Press Secretary Parries Questions on ‘Fast & Furious’ Scandal

By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Press Secretary Jay Carney denied that President Obama’s grant of “Executive Privilege” status to the Department of Justice correspondence on the scheme to get guns into the hands of Mexican gangsters is an effort to cover up wrong doing. Despite the widespread laughter from members of the media that greeted his assertion that “it’s a matter of principle,” Carney attempted to expound upon the concept.

“The principle is that under our Constitution, the President is the country’s supreme ruler,” Carney maintained. “That status cannot be infringed by Congressional interference in how he chooses to run the country. The sole purpose of the GOP demand to see the DOJ memos is to obtain information they can use to denigrate the policies and decisions made by the Administration.”

“The Constitution says nothing about Congress having the right to read the Executive’s mail,” Carney continued. “In fact, first on the list of Congress’ responsibilities is the power to enact taxes. Yet, it is the GOP contingent that steadfastly refuses to take up this responsibility. So, I’d say that instead of trying to poke their noses into what is none of their business maybe Congress ought to stop neglecting its own duties.”

Carney also rejected comparison’s to former President Nixon’s invocation of Executive Privilege in his attempt to block scrutiny of his Administration’s efforts to cover up the Watergate scandal. “First of all, the two issues are not even in the same ballpark,” Carney argued. “The Watergate break-in was a GOP operation aimed at influencing the outcome of the 1972 presidential election. It was a dagger to the heart of our democracy.”

“Fast and Furious was a minor affair carried out far from the centers of power,” Carney said. “Ninety-nine percent of the impact occurred in another country. None of the victims were essential players in the governance of the country. The fact that we can’t remember any of their names is a testament to the relative unimportance of  this whole issue compared to the machinations that cheated Senator McGovern out of the presidency.”

In related news, NBC News’ Thomas Roberts ruled that the Congressional Committee on Oversight and Government Reform was not entitled to the DOJ documents that Attorney General Eric Holder refused to supply. “You’re not the government,” Roberts told Committee member Representative John Mica (R-Fla). “President Obama is the government. If he says you can’t have something, you can’t have it.”

Congresswoman Says State a Better Mate for Women

In a speech at a conference organized by the National Council for Research and Women Representative Gwen Moore (D-Wis) urged women to “shake off the shackles of male hegemony” and use their superior numbers to effect a “social-sexual realignment of power.”

“Women are the major beneficiaries of the government’s social welfare programs,” Moore pointed out. “Women receive the majority of the payments made for food, clothing, and shelter. Women use health care benefits to a much greater extent. Considering that women live longer they take down two-thirds to 85% of the benefits distributed via Social Security, Medicare, and Medicaid.”

In light of these statistics, Moore argued that “Republican resistance to expanded government is a sexist ploy to deny women the full fruits of our electoral superiority. We have the votes to take what we want. There is no longer any need for us to put up with a repugnant spouse in order to survive. The government can take care of us and we won’t have to cook for them, pick up after them, or sleep with them.”

“The key will be to get women to vote as a block,” Moore said. “If we can do that we can’t be stopped.”

Obama Biographer Says Book Is Being Misused by the Right

Barack Obama biographer David Maraniss says right-wing political opportunists are misusing his book. The book in question is Barack Obama: The Story. In this book, Maraniss cited dozens of instances in which Obama’s autobiography—Dreams from My Father—presented a false picture of the President’s early life.

“First of all, the idea that these people would bother to read my book is a bit of a stunner for me,” Maraniss admitted. “I mean, I’m for Obama all the way. I can’t fathom why anybody on the right would read me.”

“Second, they’re being completely unfair to the President,” Maraniss complained. “He wrote Dreams from My Father long before he decided to run for president. He had no way of knowing that he would become so famous that people might want to look more closely at his life story. He was just trying to spice up an otherwise dull narrative by adding a few tall tales—all of which would’ve been forgotten if he hadn’t been elected president.”

Maraniss contended that those harping on Obama’s propensity for lying were “missing the bigger picture. What some are calling lies could just as easily be seen as evidence of a fertile, creative mind. Take those bits about his grandfather being tortured by the British. That was pure dramatic genius. What other American politician could credibly claim to have had a relative that was tortured? This and other fictitious incidents added zest to a book that desperately needed it. Who’s to say that this kind of creativity isn’t what this country needs?”

Chicago Mayor Undeterred by Court Ruling on Guns

Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel says a federal court’s overturning of a city firearms ordinance “won’t stop us from carrying out our over all crime strategy.”

“The problem from our perspective is that too many people have access to guns,” Emanuel asserted. “We won’t have law and order until everyone except the police is disarmed. The City must have a monopoly on the use of deadly force. Only then will the balance of terror be sufficiently one-sided to ensure peace.”

As for the court’s ruling, Emanuel suggested that “the court may take whatever position it likes in the courtroom. But we control the streets. We will take guns away from those we don’t want to have them.”

Pelosi Urges President to Raise Debt Ceiling

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) urged President Obama to follow up his unilateral grant of amnesty to illegal aliens with a unilateral increase in the nation’s debt ceiling.

“Failing to enact immigration reform isn’t the only thing Congress has failed at,” Pelosi observed. “The Senate has failed to pass a budget since 2009. And while Congress was barely able to scrape together the votes to increase the debt ceiling last year I wouldn’t want to bet we can do it again.”

“Enacting legislation when Congress fails to do so is a power reserved to the President under the ‘necessary and proper’ clause of the Constitution,” Pelosi maintained. “If it is necessary and proper to grant amnesty to those in this country through no fault of their own, it is certainly necessary and proper for the debt ceiling to be raised. We can’t afford to put the nation’s financial situation at risk by waiting for Congress to move on this. It’s an election year and I just don’t see how Congress can pull it off. The President must take action.”

President Demands Romney Stop Criticizing Him

President Obama demanded that his presumptive Republican challenger, Governor Mitt Romney, “put aside his criticisms of me until the issue of who is to be the next president is decided by the voters.”

“I would point out that we have one president at a time and one administration at a time, and I think that for the sake of the country Mr. Romney should forebear making any statements that might be construed in a negative fashion by this country’s enemies,” the President said. “The implication that there might not be 100% support for the Administration’s policies gives those who wish us ill an opening they could use to undermine the people’s confidence in their government.”

President Obama pointed out that “there are many secrets of which Mr. Romney is unaware. Consequently, a lot of what he has to say can only be ignorant twaddle. By persisting in his efforts to assail my record he risks not only making himself look foolish, but endangers the well-being of every man, woman, and child in America.”

“The important thing is that voters should remember that I’m on the job 24 hours a day, everyday, working for their benefit,” Obama argued. “It was my decision to kill Osama bin-Laden. I meet weekly with my advisers to determine whether anyone else needs to be killed to protect this country. Mr. Romney has never had to make such weighty decisions. Whether he even could make them is something voters may want to ponder.”

Woman’s Garden Destroyed by City

Tulsa, Oklahoma City officials destroyed resident Denise Morrison’s “survival garden” because “this abnormal use of her property was causing anxiety in the neighborhood.”

Morrison started the garden after she lost her job. The garden consisted of food and medicinal plants. Before embarking on her agricultural venture, Morrison researched City ordinances to ensure she complied.

“Lack of compliance was not the issue,” said City Zoning Director, Leroy Fiat. “The fact that there are no official rules against what she did doesn’t matter. No one else in the city does this.”

As for her nutritional and medical needs, Fiat advised that “there are government programs—food stamps and Medicaid. No one needs to try to make it all on their own.”

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