By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
In recent elections less than 5% of the ballots cast by active duty military personnel serving overseas arrived in time to be counted. Nevertheless, the Obama for America Campaign, the Democratic National Committee (DNC), and the Ohio Democratic Party have jointly filed suit in Ohio to strike down a law that gives deployed troops more time to cast absentee ballots.
The suit alleges that the provision allowing more time for deployed troops is “contrary to the policy of the current Administration” and “would improperly embroil military personnel in partisan politics.”
DNC Chairperson Representative Debbie Wasserman-Schultz (D-Fla) declared that “it is a long standing tradition in America that our armed forces do not engage in partisan politics while on duty. States should not be permitted to undermine this tradition.”
“Not only would the Ohio law undermine this tradition, it also would undermine national security,” she added. “Soldiers deployed overseas should not be distracted from their primary duty of carrying out the orders of their Commander-in-Chief. The idea that we should be accommodating the opportunity for them to vote to depose their Commander-in-Chief is about as wrongheaded as could be.”
Wasserman-Schultz assured that she isn’t advocating taking away their right to vote because “a move that overt could incite a negative reaction from too many people. Letting them cast ballots that arrive too late to be counted is a good compromise. It’s kind of a ‘pressure release valve.’ We allow them to vent without subjecting the nation to an unwarranted influence on election outcomes.”
Surveys of military personnel indicate that they tend to favor Republicans by about a three to one ratio.
In related news, U.S. District Judge Gregg Costa blocked a Texas voter registration law on the grounds that “requiring ID will tend to discourage those without documents from voting. This disproportionately affects those of Mexican descent.” Costa ruled that “until everyone has documents no one can be required to show them in order to cast a ballot.”
Senator Takes 5th
In an effort to rebuff demands that he cite his source for making the claim that GOP presidential candidate Mitt Romney hasn’t paid taxes in ten years, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) says he is invoking his Fifth Amendment right against self-incrimination.
“We all know that Mr. Romney’s request that I name my source is a trap,” Reid complained. “Unauthorized disclosure of a person’s filings with the IRS is a felony. I’m not going to further blacken the name of my extremely credible source just to assuage someone’s out-dated notions of integrity.”
Speculation is that Reid’s “extremely credible” unnamed source might be Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner. While Geithner didn’t deny that he has had discussions with Reid “on various tax matters,” he insisted that “I would never give out actual information about anyone’s filings with the IRS.” Geithner suggested that “perhaps Senator Reid has mistaken some of the ‘what ifs’ I was discussing as factual.”
Although adamant that Romney must release all of his IRS filings for the last ten years, Reid steadfastly refuses to release any of his own, calling it “a private matter that I am well within my rights to keep confidential.” Reid characterized suggestions that his stance is hypocritical as “the worst sort of smear tactic” and vowed “I will not allow myself to be intimidated by anonymous accusers.”
Unemployment Uptick Proof President’s Plan Is Working
The slight uptick in the official unemployment rate to 8.3% for July is, strange as it might seem to the average person, proof that the President’s plan for the economy is working says Alen Krueger, chair of the White House Council of Economic Advisers.
“All this focus on on the unemployment numbers is narrow and misplaced,” Krueger maintained. “The President’s vision is much broader than most people can comprehend. He is one of the few who understands that work is not the objective, but merely a means of obtaining the money needed to enjoy life. If we look at some different statistics there is no question that his long-term transformational agenda is progressing as planned.”
One of the “different” statistics Krueger held to be more indicative of progress is the all time high in the number of families receiving food stamps. “Normally, a person would have to work many hours to earn enough to put food on the table,” Krueger pointed out. “With food stamps, though, the work requirement has been disposed of. A family can eat without having to toil for its bread.”
Krueger also hailed President Obama’s easing of the requirement that welfare recipients must seek work as “a modern day equivalent of Lincoln’s Emancipation Proclamation. With just the stroke of a pen, President Obama has freed millions from wage-slavery. This achievement is not reflected in the official unemployment data.”
“In an ideal world the unemployment rate would be 99%,” Krueger argued. “Only the richest 1% would need to work. The vast majority would be free to use their time for more fulfilling activities.”
In related news, the Government Accountability Office (GAO) released a report saying that the Administration’s expansion of eligibility for food stamps has increased the opportunity for abuse. The incidence of food stamps being used to purchase liquor, lottery tickets, and tattoos is up. Representative Gwen Moore (D-Mich) denied that such uses of food stamps is an abuse of the program and called efforts to curtail it “racist” since it would make food stamp recipients “second class citizens.” “Food stamps are the poor people’s money,” Moore asserted. “They should be free to spend it however they please.”
Olympic Medal Winners Hear from President Obama
President Obama has been calling Olympic medal winners to congratulate them on their victories. However, some have found the calls “somewhat disconcerting.”
A gold medal-winning athlete who asked that his name be withheld for fear of retribution said he has “mixed feelings about it. On the one hand, it’s flattering to be called by the President. I mean, with all he’s got on his plate, the idea that he’s got time to talk to me is something special.”
“On the other hand, I found his insistence that ‘you didn’t win that’ a bit unnerving,” the athlete admitted. “I know I’ve had a lot of help along the way. I never thought I was in it all by myself. But everyone competing has had help—even the ones that lose. I relish the opportunity I’ve had, but in the end I still had to outrace my competitors. Surely, I merit some credit for rising above that competition.”
Press Secretary Jay Carney defended the President’s message saying “if he had his way everyone would get medals. The victory really belongs to all of humanity. Every champion is the product of every influence that exists or ever existed. His own contribution is vanishingly small in the grand scheme of things. So, basically, the President is right. The ones getting the medals didn’t really win them. Somebody else made that happen.”
In related news, in a campaign speech in Ohio, President Obama hammered Mitt Romney’s tax plan saying that it unfairly “leaves too large a share of the nation’s wealth in the hands of those who created it” and contrasted it with his plan that “carves up the ‘pie’ more fairly because it’s based on need, not greed.”
Senate Candidate Wishes US Were More Like China
Elizabeth Warren, the Massachusetts Democratic candidate for the US Senate seat currently held by Republican Scott Brown unleashed a new campaign ad pledging to make America more like China if she’s elected.
“In America, the economy is chaotic,” the ad read. “The authority for the government to plan and manage the economy is limited. Practically anyone can do pretty much as he or she wants. There is no requirement for obtaining government approval before scarce resources are put at risk.”
“In China, the government synchronizes investments,” the ad continued. “No one can risk the nation’s precious resources without first securing government permission. Losses and bankruptcy have been outlawed.”
“Your choice this November is between Republican anarchy and Democratic order,” the ad concluded. “Please choose wisely. The future depends upon it.”
While some have called the ad “creepy” and “ominous,” Warren sees it as “a stark and honest portrayal of what’s at stake in this year’s election. Look at the progress China has made. Their economy is growing three times faster than ours. They’ve got a government that isn’t afraid to make tough decisions. We, on the other hand, are bogged down in loud, contentious, and continuous debates with our reactionary opponents.”
As an example of China’s superior decision making, Warren cited the “one-child-per-family” rule. “Can you imagine our government taking such a bold stroke?” Warren asked. “Telling people how many kids they can have takes balls. Once you get over that hump there’s nothing you can’t do. Telling people to pay more taxes would be a snap. Banning privately owned cars, outlawing fossil fuels, moving everyone into high-density housing—all the things we know about how people should live could be implemented with minimal hassle.”
A Satirical Look at Recent News
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