By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
Despite polling data indicating that over 60 percent of those surveyed see GOP presidential nominee Mitt Romney’s concern about Americans becoming too dependent on government as valid, most still say they will vote to reelect Obama.
“As a general proposition, it might be a bad thing for people to become too dependent on the government,” said one poll respondent. “But this whole freedom thing is kind of abstract compared to actually getting stuff for free. I mean, take the 10 million free phones the government has given out. A phone is something I can hold in my hand. I can use it to call my friends, play video games, download tunes—you know, have fun.”
“Freedom might have been important to people when they were fighting taxation without representation in 1776, but what’s that to me here and now?” asked another poll respondent. “I don’t have to pay taxes, but I still get to vote. My vote counts just as much as the sap who has to work. Shouldn’t I use it to keep the free stuff coming?”
In related news, Stephanie Cutter, deputy campaign manager for President Barack Obama’s 2012 reelection effort bragged that “Democrats have locked up the women’s vote. We’re giving them free birth control and free cell phones—two items of critical importance to the modern woman. The Republicans offer what—lower taxes, fewer regulations? Even if we were to concede that these are desirable—which we don’t—they’d provide equal benefits for men. Why should any woman vote for that?”
President Says His Economic Performance No Worse than FDR’s
Buoyed by polls showing him pulling away from his opponent, President Barack Obama says “it’s time for all patriotic Americans to rally for the common good by giving me four more years.”
The President acknowledged that “things may be tough for many of you, but whatever setbacks you may have experienced are just bumps in the road compared to the existential threat to this country that is posed by the risk that I might not prevail on election day.”
The President declared that the latest report showing extraordinary weakness in the nation’s economy “reemphasizes the importance of continuing the work I’ve done since January 2009. Just as voters reelected FDR in the midst of worse economic news in 1936 than we face today, I’m asking for the same vote of confidence.”
MSNBC pundit Chris Matthews said he found President Obama’s position persuasive and asserted that “failure to reelect him could only be due to racism, inasmuch as Roosevelt was reelected with an unemployment rate double the 8% we have today. How could we justify holding our first African-American President to a higher standard than a rich white man? We can’t unless we truly are racists.”
In the 1936 presidential election, Franklin Roosevelt crushed his Republican opponent Alf Landon, winning over 60% of the popular vote and the electoral votes of every state but Maine and Vermont. Obama Campaign adviser David Axelrod said he doubted that Obama would be able to duplicate the feat due to “GOP slander, vote fraud and the barely concealed racism of so many Republican voters.”
Michelle Obama Unfazed by Student Lunch Boycott
Students at ParsippanyHillsHigh School in New Jersey say they are planning a boycott to protest new lunch guidelines stemming from First Lady Michelle Obama’s “Let’s Move” campaign. Under the guidelines portions are smaller, there is less meat and bread and more vegetables. Students say the meals are too skimpy and leave them feeling hungry.
“The problem is too many of our nation’s children are obese,” the First Lady said. “Left to their own devices too many teens are over-eating. Parents aren’t doing their jobs. So, we are using our leverage to take up the slack.”
The “leverage” is federal aid that subsidizes the school lunches. “If the government is going to pay for these meals it has the responsibility and the right to control the menu,” Michelle insisted. “Those who want to eat more than we have determined is healthy can pay for their additional food with their own money.”
The possibility of a boycott was rated “no big deal” by the First Lady. “Refusing to eat also helps fight obesity. Studies have shown that calorie restriction helps prolong lives. Much as we may make fun of places like North Korea, the fact is that the starvation being imposed on the population by the government probably benefits everyone over the long term.”
In related news, Barack Obama is touting the presidential prospects for his wife. “She’s an incredible person and an incredible talent,” Barack bragged. “It would be a great sacrifice for her, but I’m confident she would put the nation’s welfare ahead of her own preferences if circumstances required it. Besides, seeing how slowly things have moved since I got here it might well take another eight years to get the job done. So, those who trusted in me may want to ensure that my policies are carried on by such means.”
Administration Unimpressed by Netanyahu’s UN Speech
Israeli Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu’s speech to the United Nations about the danger posed by Iran’s acquisition of nuclear weapons was called unimpressive by Obama Administration spokesman Tommy Vietor.
“Netanyahu’s voice is merely one among many,” Vietor pointed out. “On top of that he speaks for a tiny minority of the region’s population, most of which hold diametrically opposite views. His self-serving brief for the interests of this minority need to be juxtaposed against the conflicting interests of the majority. I think the President was on target when he characterized Netanyahu’s fears as ‘noise’ he tries to ignore.”
Vietor questioned “whether it might be the time for us to consider how best to serve the greater good of the greater number. The persistence of this Jewish minority in the region is a major irritant. Others have advanced the idea that peace would be more likely to reign if this irritant were eliminated. Seventy years ago there was no Jewish state in the region. Maybe that was a good thing.”
In related news, the US State Department issued a belated apology to passengers of the MS St. Louis, a German steamer carrying nearly 1,000 Jewish refugees that were denied entry into the US in 1939. “We realize that this may seem ‘too little, too late,’” admitted Deputy Secretary of State Bill Burns, who asked critics to try to understand FDR’s predicament. “President Roosevelt was headed for a tough reelection in 1940. He was going for an unprecedented third term. He couldn’t afford to lose the anti-Semitic vote. And, in the final analysis, the 1,000, or so Jews that died as a result was minuscule compared to the six million total.”
Feds Restrict Sales of Nobama Beer
The Huebert Brewing Company’s novelty brew “Nobama Beer” has been a roaring success in Oklahoma. Company owner, Rick Huebert would like to sell nationwide, but has been denied permission to do so by the federal Alcohol and Tobacco Tax and Trade Bureau (TTB).
Huebert says his original written application requesting nationwide distribution rights was altered by TTB official Kent Martin’s penciled-in “this product is only for sale in the state of Oklahoma.” “The demand is there,” Huebert maintained. “Inventory is flying off our shelves. I’m hiring people. Isn’t this the kind of growth the economy needs?”
“The decision to ban nationwide sales was deemed necessary in order to prevent an unacceptable in-kind benefit to the Romney campaign against the President,” Martin explained. “The President isn’t going to carry Oklahoma, so it’s okay to sell the beer there. But there’s no telling what damage might be done to the President’s campaign if a broader distribution is permitted.”
“You know, I didn’t have to approve it at all,” said Martin. “Letting Huebert sell it in his home state is, I think, pretty generous, considering. I mean, he’s profiteering off the name of the President. The President should get a cut of the profits. There will be time to negotiate the appropriate reallocation of these profits after the election.”
Racism to Blame for Muslim Terrorism
Tammy Duckworth, a Democratic candidate for Congress in Illinois, warns that racism is to blame for Muslim acts of terror around the world.
“Muslims wouldn’t have to riot, blow up buildings or behead anyone if we’d follow a few simple steps to allay their fears,” a hijab-wearing Duckworth contended. “For example, if women would just cover their hair they wouldn’t be seen as whores by Muslim men. The men wouldn’t be enticed and the women wouldn’t be raped.”
“It’s also a matter of respect to show sensitivity for others’ religious beliefs,” Duckworth added. “According to the Quran, Muslims are required to convert unbelievers. They can’t be good Muslims if they don’t make that effort. Graciously, Islam has given non-Muslims an alternative to conversion. They can pay the jizya—a nominal tax—and be free from having to convert.”
Duckworth says that refusal to follow the prescribed simple steps increases friction between Muslim and non-Muslim. “If we can’t bend a little we have only ourselves to blame for the consequences,” she said.
White House Takes Credit for Resolution of NFL Refs Stand-off
Football fans have President Obama to thank for the settlement of differences between the National Football League and the referees’ union says Press Secretary Jay Carney.
“This thing had been lingering on for months, but within days of the President expressing his displeasure with the quality of the replacement refs the disagreements were settled,” Carney boasted. “This is the epitome of the type of leadership we’ve come to expect from the President.”
Carney contrasted President Obama’s decisive role with that of GOP presidential nominee Mitt Romney. “While millions of football fans were suffering from substandard officiating what was Romney doing?” he asked. “There was no sign that he even cared about football. He didn’t condemn any bad calls. He didn’t even profess to have watched any games. Is this the kind of man voters want occupying the White House?”
Aside from his pitch to voters to reelect the football-loving President Obama, Carney expressed the hope that the returning unionized refs would “remember that the President is a Bears fan and would really like to see them win the Super Bowl this year.”
Pelosi Says GOP Campaign Too Negative
House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) contends that Republicans are “poisoning the debate” and “suffocating the issues under a barrage of facts and statistics.”
“All we are hearing from them is negativity,” Pelosi complained. “They say the economy is faltering, too many people are unemployed, taxes are too high, foreign policy is a shambles—just one unpleasant fact after another. This doesn’t lift up the country. It doesn’t boost morale.”
The Congresswoman contrasted the GOP’s negativity with the Democrats’ message of “hope and change.” “Everyday, the President is out there trying to take people’s minds off their troubles,” she said. “He is offering them a promise of a better tomorrow. He’s not wallowing in the failures of the past.”
Pelosi also faulted Romney for “fostering class warfare. He’s drawing distinctions based on whether you are a maker or a taker. President Obama, on the other hand, loves us all. He doesn’t draw lines between those who give and those who receive because he knows we’re all part of the same human family. And like a family, those who are able must work to support those who are in need. This is simple social justice.”
In related news, Census data reveals that median household income has declined by more than 8% since Obama took office. Alan Krueger, Chairman of the President’s Council of Economic Advisers dismissed this as “statistical noise that obscures the very real progress the Administration has made transforming America.”
City of Detroit Defies State Voter Law
The city of Detroit plans to remove a citizenship question from ballot applications. Under state law anyone requesting a ballot is required to check a box on a form answering the question of whether he is a citizen.
Detroit Elections Director Daniel Baxter says he doesn’t see the utility of the requirement. “It doesn’t really verify eligibility,” Baxter pointed out. “An ineligible person could simply lie and say he is a citizen.”
Secretary of State Ruth Johnson acknowledged that the check-box can’t verify eligibility, but argued that it still serves a useful purpose. “First, it informs the would-be voter that citizenship is a condition for casting a ballot,” Johnson explained. “It is by no means clear that everyone the Democratic Party buses to the polls is aware of that requirement. Second, in the event that a person files a false ballot application he is liable to prosecution. So, requiring the check-box may have the effect of deterring some illegal voting.”
Baxter wasn’t persuaded by Johnson’s argument and contended that “the emotional harm done by questioning a voter’s eligibility far outweighs the hypothetical benefits she envisions.”
President’s Pledge to Export More Jobs Hailed by China
The Chinese Government hailed President Obama’s pledge to export more jobs as “precisely the kind of conciliatory move that will help improve relations between our two countries.”
China’s Minister of Trade, Diup Yu praised the President’s “forward looking and progressive views” calling them “a breath of fresh air, especially when contrasted to Romney’s hostile attitudes.”
Administration’s Belated Admission that Libyan Attack Was Terrorism “No Biggie”
Though evidence has emerged showing that the White House knew the murder of the US Ambassador to Libya, Chris Stevens, was a terrorist attack within 24 hours of the event, it persisted in advancing a “riot over an insulting video” meme for more than two weeks. This failure to be straight with the American people is, according to Press Secretary Jay Carney “no biggie.”
“The terrorist thing has been around for a long time, what good would announcing one more episode of the lengthy story have done?” Carney wanted to know. “On the other hand, the course the Administration did take gave the President the opportunity apologize for the insulting video. This helped build bridges to our Muslim friends. The President showed himself as sympathetic to Islamic religious sensitivities in his speech to the UN. We think this will pay big dividends in the future.”
A second factor influencing the Administration’s stance was the matter of security. “Look, if the Ambassador’s death is the result of video-inspired mob violence it’s not the Administration’s fault,” Carney continued. “We didn’t even know about the video, so there was no opportunity for us to try to interdict it. But embassy and consulate security—those are the direct responsibility of the State Department. If these facilities are vulnerable to terrorist attack who do you think will get the blame? It was the President’s desire to shield Secretary Clinton from this blame as long as he could.”
Carney suggested that “the Administration’s actions were largely successful. No one was exposed during the vulnerable period. Now that interest has died down the damage to the Administration has been minimized.”
In related news, former Green Party presidential candidate Ralph Nader labeled Obama a “war criminal” and “worse than Bush.” “His claim to have the authority to assassinate anyone he declares an enemy of the state is a fateful stride toward tyranny that I think every person who cherishes freedom ought to oppose,” Nader said.
Judge May Block Pennsylvania Voter ID
Commonwealth Court Judge Robert Simpson says he is leaning toward blocking the use of voter ID for casting ballots in the upcoming election.
“It’s a difficult issue,” Simpson observed. “On the one hand, we have a natural desire to ensure that only eligible voters cast ballots. On the other hand, no law is perfect and there is a chance that a legitimate voter could be disenfranchised.”
Simpson said he will likely bar the ID requirement because, “I think it is better to let a thousand ineligible voters cast a ballot than to deny one legitimate voter his right to vote.” He says he reached this conclusion after he remembered that “even ineligible voters are people. And should real people be denied the right to participate in the selection of their rulers based on something as flimsy as their lacking the appropriate paperwork?”
In related news, in a test of potential identity fraud, federal investigators working for the Government Accountability Office (GAO) were able to get fraudulent driver’s licenses in all three states where they tried. “Apparently, if you’ve got a moderately plausible counterfeit ID you can dupe state licensing clerks into issuing you a driver’s license,” the report said. The US Department of Homeland Security was also chided by investigators for failing to tell states how to carry out key parts of the 2005 Real ID law. Attorney General Eric Holder argued that the report “shows the futility of trying to enforce voter ID laws. What’s the sense of having a law that’s do easy to get around?”
NAACP Seeks UN Investigation of US Election Laws
The National Association for the Advancement of Colored People (NAACP) demanded that the United Nations launch an investigation into the United States “racially discriminatory election laws.” At issue is the loss of voting rights for convicted felons.
“This is unfair because minorities are disproportionately affected,” Lorraine Miller, Chairperson of the NAACP national board’s advocacy and policy committee complained. “Just because a person is a criminal doesn’t mean he doesn’t deserve a voice in government.”
“A democracy must reflect the views of all the people—honest and dishonest alike—if it is to be truly representative,” Miller argued. “Disenfranchising a segment of the population because it lives by a different code of ethics undermines basic democratic principles.”
While the notion that a profoundly undemocratic United Nations ought to intervene in the election procedures of one of the world’s leading democratic states might seem dubious, Miller asserted that her efforts had the support of US Attorney General Eric Holder.
In related news, a study recently completed by NorthwesternUniversity professor Aldon Morris found that “social conditions for poor and working-class Blacks have actually worsened since Obama took office. The hypothesis that merely electing a Black president would somehow automatically redound to the benefit of this racial cohort has been refuted.”
A Satirical Look at Recent News
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