John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
This week the Michigan legislature passed a “right-to-work” law making the state the 24th to allow workers to abstain from joining a union without losing their jobs. Opponents of the new law are incensed.
Jimmy Hoffa, Jr., president of the International Brotherhood of Teamsters, predicted “civil war.” “What we have here is a betrayal of democracy,” Hoffa claimed. “This law will allow workers to decline becoming members of a union even if the majority of their fellow employees vote that they should join the union. It puts individual rights ahead of the collective right to compel everyone to participate.”
Hoffa denied that the democratically elected legislature and governor might be carrying out the will of the people. “I don’t think those that voted for these Republicans knew that they could be forfeiting their freedom to force others to join a company union,” Hoffa argued.
Michigan state Representative Douglas Geiss (D-Taylor) agreed with Hoffa’s assessment saying “there will be blood. There will be repercussions! The right of unions to take action to protect their interests is sanctioned by our laws.” Geiss is believed to have been referring to the 1973 Supreme Court finding in United States v. Enmons that violent acts in pursuit of a legitimate union objective are immune from federal prosecution.
President Obama did his best to stoke the fires of resentment by miscasting the legislation as “taking away the right to bargain for better wages.” Press Secretary Jay Carney explained that “right-to-work laws undermine the united front image that gives unions extra muscle when it comes to negotiating with management. Granting individual workers the freedom to not join a union negates the freedom of the majority of workers to coerce the minority into joining. The President feels that when there are disagreements the freedom of the majority trumps the freedom of the minority. That’s what democracy is all about.”
Intoxicated Auto Workers Reinstated
Chrysler was forced to reinstate 13 assembly line workers fired two years ago when a TV news crew caught them drinking and smoking pot on the job at the company’s Jefferson North Assembly Plant in Detroit.
“First of all, the filming was an invasion of these employees’ privacy,” arbitrator Justin Moran ruled. “Second, since the film showed no evidence that the accused were actually working on assembling vehicles at the time, the company’s prohibition against ‘drinking on the job’ could not be proved to have been violated. Consequently, the company’s argument that the firing was justified because intoxicated employees could compromise the quality of the product and the safety of the work environment must be rejected.”
Reinstated 20-year veteran employee William Leech was especially appreciative of the ruling. “My lawyer tells me that we can now go forward with my disability claim for the injury I suffered at the plant that day,” Leech bragged. “I’m hoping that I will finally be relieved of the drudgery of punching a time clock five days a week. Some of the other guys are jealous. They call me lucky. But I like to think of myself as smart.”
Leech is reported to be under consideration for a Presidential Medal of Freedom Award. White House Chief of Staff Jack Lew explained that “Leech is an exemplar of the type of transformation President Obama is striving to bring to this country. His story is one that can inspire others who are also trapped in wage slavery to believe that they too, by dint of their own ingenuity, can achieve true freedom.”
Bureaucrats Disdain Hard Work Because They Are “Unselfish”
A report written by Andrew Biggs of the American Enterprise Institute and Jason Richwine of the Heritage Foundation revealed that public sector employees work less yet get paid more than their private sector counterparts. The study found that during a typical workweek, private-sector employees worked 41.4 hours, while federal workers put in 38.7 hours and state and local government employees 38.1 hours. Critics of government are apt to view the study as a confirmation of the relative inefficiency of government.
“Any suggestion that this demonstrates there is government waste is totally off base,” insisted Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev). “Those that suggest this think every person on the job ought to go all out. What they overlook is the egregious selfishness that would represent. If one person does more than the average output that means there is less opportunity for another person to be hired. By constraining their individual effort government workers are saving work for others to do, in effect, they are creating more jobs. All this study has proven is that government workers have a greater social conscience.”
Reid didn’t dispute that federal bureaucrats took home more pay per hour than similarly employed private sector workers, but declared that “its only logical that those employed by the biggest organization would get bigger paychecks. Let’s not forget that the federal government has over 300 million people who depend on it. The tasks associated with ruling them and tending to their needs are inherently more important than the tasks performed by any private company in the world. Those doing these tasks deserve to be paid more.”
The Senator contended that “high salaries also act as a deterrent to theft. The temptations that government employees face are enormous. Billions of dollars are at risk. If employees feel they are under compensated they’ll be more likely to help themselves to some of this money. I mean, heaven knows there’s no way we can properly oversee all this spending. Adequately compensating them is our best bet for keeping them honest.”
Congresswoman Hopeful that Connecticut School Massacre Will Lead to Gun Control
Friday’s murder spree at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, Connecticut took the lives of 28 people and has already sparked calls for tighter gun control.
Representative Carolyn McCarthy (D-NY) characterized the slayings as “a very fortuitous event for those of us determined to disarm the general public. The fact that so many of the victims were young children should go a long way toward softening up the opposition of the right wing gun nuts who have blocked constructive measures against this much needed action.”
The ineffectiveness of current laws banning weapons in public schools failed to stem McCarthy’s hopes. “Just because existing laws haven’t proved sufficient doesn’t mean we don’t need more of them,” McCarthy argued. “At the very least adding another illegal weapons possession charge to the indictment of the perpetrators of these heinous crimes has got to have some deterrent effect.”
“It’s long past the time that we recognize that the ancient rationale for private gun ownership is no longer relevant,” the Representative said. “People don’t need to personally hunt for food. There are no Indians on the rampage in our towns. The skills our ancestors had with firearms have atrophied in our modern world.”
“America would be a much safer place if only government personnel were allowed to carry guns,” McCarthy maintained. “As history has shown in other countries, concentrating the firepower in the hands of well trained police and military personnel is more conducive to securing a peaceful environment for everyone to enjoy.”
NBC News Anchor Wishes Obama Were Dictator
During an interview with Apple CEO Tim Cook, NBC News anchorman Brian Williams opined that “the country might be better off if President Obama could simply order businesses to carry out his economic vision.”
“The market system is so chaotic and uncoordinated,” Williams complained. “Every firm, every decision-maker is left free to do as he deems best. Wouldn’t it make more sense to have one person issue the marching orders for all? That way they’d all be working on the same plan rather than wasting resources clashing with each other.”
Citing the Affordable Health Care Act as an example of what he has in mind, Williams asked “If the government can force everyone to purchase health insurance why can’t it force every business to manufacture all of its products in America? Think of the money that could be saved on transportation from not having to import anything, the time saved from not having to make decisions, and the jobs created.”
Williams assured that he personally wouldn’t have any trouble following dictates from Obama because “I can’t imagine that he would ever lead us astray. In the four years he’s been President I don’t think he’s made a single misstep. I am supremely confident of his leadership.”
Senator Questions Homeland Security Spending
Senator Tom Coburn (R-Okla) charged that the Department of Homeland Security has squandered huge sums in its Urban Area Security Initiative grant program. Included in his list of dubious outlays were funds used to buy sno-cone machines in Michigan, a video produced by the City of Jacksonville, Florida warning residents to be wary of people with above average intelligence, and travel to posh resorts for “security training” conferences.
Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano defended her agency and maintained that “the Senator’s understanding of security matters is deficient. We carefully consider each grant request. We wouldn’t approve any spending that wasn’t warranted.”
“Considering the specific items he cited, it is our opinion that the sno-cone machines contributed to boosting morale among the state’s law enforcement officials,” she contended. “Jacksonville’s warning was apt since highly intelligent criminals can plan large and complex terror operations. And holding training sessions at five-star resorts encourages higher attendance.”
A Satirical Look at Recent News
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