John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
Concerned over evidence that some of the weapons the US has been supplying to enemies of the Syrian government have fallen into the hands of jihadists inimical to US interests, both the House and Senate Intelligence Committee members of both Parties voted to restrict funding.
While Congress would appear to be acting within its powers according to the Constitution, the Obama Administration denounced the move as “unwarranted interference.” National Security Advisor Susan Rice declared that “the President’s latitude in conducting foreign policy cannot be infringed by fetters concocted in the halls of Congress. As long as he holds the office he will continue to arm those he deems deserving of our aid regardless of what anyone else thinks.”
The President’s usurpation of Congressional authority ruffled feathers in the legislative branch, but is not expected to result in any significant action against the President. House Intelligence Committee Chair, Representative Mike Rogers (R-Mich) appeared resigned to impotence. “Is it an impeachable offense?” he asked. “Yes, but the President could grab a child out of a crowd and strangle it on TV and the Democrats in the Senate would still vote against convicting him. He’s their guy and they will back him no matter what he does. The Framers’ notion that the legislature would jealously guard against executive tyranny has been proven false.”
Senate Intelligence Committee Chair Diane Feinstein (D-Calif) effectively concurred in Rogers’ assessment of the situation. “As the revelations of Edward Snowden have shown, the President has access to information that could humiliate anyone who opposes him in any serious way,” Feinstein admitted. “With that sword hanging over your head, why destroy your career if it’s clear that resistance is futile?”
In related news, the Obama Administration warned the Egyptian government to cease arresting members of the Muslim Brotherhood or face a curtailment of US foreign aid. “The contention that the Brotherhood is undermining the peace does not trump the fact that this organization is the legitimate government of Egypt and has the full confidence of President Obama,” said Secretary of State John Kerry.
Dallas School District Opts Out of Deputized Marshal Program
Dallas Independent School District Police Chief Craig Miller announced that his district will not be participating in a new program permitting school employees to be deputized and trained to assist in providing security.
“If schools are concerned about deterring armed assailants they should be hiring more police, not arming the teachers,” Miller asserted. “The notion that part-time amateurs could substitute for full-time professionals disrespects our profession. The use of deadly force ought to be restricted to fully qualified police officers.”
The new law is predicated on the belief that attackers would be dissuaded by the fear that a widespread possession of concealed firearms among the staff could thwart their efforts to maximize the body-count in any assault on the school. “The cost of hiring enough additional police to provide the coverage that could be achieved by deputizing a trained cadre of in-school personnel is beyond the budgetary grasp of most school districts,” said State Representative Jason Villalba (R-Dallas), author of the law. “Training and arming the school staff is a cost-effective means for warding off criminals bent on murdering our children.”
“I call your attention to Representative Villalba’s use of the phrase ‘cost-effective,’” Miller countered. “He is putting the hypothetical benefit of his program ahead of the plain fact that he isn’t willing to spend money to ensure that sufficient police are funded.”
“Saving these kids’ lives is at least as important as teaching them the three ‘Rs,’” Miller argued. “If we’re going to fund a teacher in every room we ought to be willing to fund a police officer in every room. Surely that would be the ultimate deterrent to any criminal.”
Pelosi Denies that Obamacare Employer Mandate Was Illegally Delayed
House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) rejected accusations that the Obama Administration’s postponement of the implementation of the Affordable Care Act’s “employer mandate” is an illegal delay.
“First of all, a ‘postponement’ is not a ‘delay,’” Pelosi insisted as she attempted to make her point using a football analogy. “In football, a team can be assessed a penalty for ‘illegal delay of game’ if they don’t get a play underway within the allotted time limit. However, a football game can simply be rescheduled to an entirely different day without penalty. What the President did was reschedule the employer mandate to an entirely different day. That is not illegal and no penalty should be assessed.”
“And on the matter of whether President Obama is entitled to reschedule the implementation—isn’t he, in effect, the quarterback of ‘Team America?’ Pelosi asked. “The voters elected him to be their leader. Congress may have sent in a play by enacting the Affordable Care Act, but shouldn’t he be able to call an ‘audible’ if, in his judgment, the provisions of that Act need revision to be most effective?”
Pelosi rebutted GOP arguments that if the employer mandate is delayed, so too should the individual mandate. “It’s an entirely different situation,” she maintained. “If the President thinks the individual mandate should go ahead as originally planned who are we to second guess him? So far, he’s been right far more often than he’s been wrong. After all, he was reelected. I say we trust him and follow his lead wherever it takes us.”
Majority of Muslims in UK on Welfare
Statistics indicate that a majority of Muslims residing in the United Kingdom receive government welfare benefits. This includes 53% of working age Muslim adult males.
Anjem Choudary, spokesman for the Islamist group Islam4UK, justified the behavior saying that “labor is the lot of the kafir. Muslim men have a higher obligation than working for mere material sustenance. The Quran bids them to wage jihad until all the world obeys the word of Allah.”
“Taking the payments freely offered to us by the government enables us to devote our full energy to the struggle to make Islam dominant,” Choudary said. “It also initiates the unbelievers in their proper role under sharia law, while helping to divert resources that might otherwise be used to resist our march toward the global caliphate.”
In related news, lunches packed from home may be banned at school. Education Secretary Michael Gove explained that “parents aren’t the best qualified persons for selecting what their child eats. Widespread obesity is proof of that. When you add in the fact that some of the foods brought from home are offensive to our Muslim students, the policy of barring home-made lunches is a ‘no brainer.’”
Californians Sign Petition to Repeal Bill of Rights
A petition to repeal the Bill of Rights because it is blocking the full implementation of President Obama’s plan for America easily gained endorsements in California this past week. The petition idea was instigated by activist Mark Dice and he found few beach goers who refused to sign his petition.
“Obama’s my man,” said one signer. “I’d do anything to help him out.”
“The Bill of Rights is really old,” said another. “There’s no way that the scribblings of some long dead white guys should be allowed to stop the President from doing what needs to be done today.”
“Too many people abuse the Bill of Rights to make statements against the President,” said another. “This just makes his job of unifying everyone behind a common goal so much harder.”
“Isn’t the Bill of Rights the excuse some people are using to stop the government from disarming all the ‘gun nuts’ out there?” asked yet another. “These people pose a threat to the government that needs to be controlled.”
Administration Disavows Any Knowledge of Break-in
A burglary at the offices of a Dallas law firm representing a State Department whistle blower bore an eerie resemblance to the break-in at Democratic National Committee in the Watergate office building in 1972. Computers and files were stolen, but silver bars, video equipment and other valuables were untouched.
The law firm represents Aurelia Fedenisn, a former investigator at the State Department’s Office of the Inspector General. Fedenisn alleged that a US ambassador and big Obama donor was soliciting underage prostitutes and that high-level officials of the State Department, then run by Hillary Clinton, interfered with eight investigations and doctored her report.
Press Secretary Jay Carney called suspicions that the Administration might be behind the burglary “absurd. Do I have to remind everyone that the files kept at the National Security Agency contain comprehensive records of every email and phone call made by everyone in the country? Should the President or Secretary of State want to know what’s in the files and on the computers of this law firm they could simply access the NSA database. There would be no need to break into these offices.”
Carney speculated that “some well-meaning friends of the Administration may have gone a little too far in their efforts to defend the president and his policies from the sniping of self-styled whistle blowers like Fedenisn. While we can’t completely condone what they did, we shouldn’t be too quick to condemn them.”
A Satirical Look at Recent News
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