Dem Says Abortion Clinic Regs ‘Too Stringent’

John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Virginia’s Democratic gubernatorial candidate Terry McAuliffe issued a campaign promise to exempt existing abortion clinics from state health and safety standards. The promise came amid concerns that inability to meet minimum health and safety standards could lead to the closure of all the state’s abortion providers.

“The notion that these clinics need to be as pristine as a hospital is flawed thinking,” McAuliffe said. “Given the objective being served I think the standards applicable to a waste disposal facility would be more appropriate.”

McAuliffe dismissed contentions that any unilateral actions he might take to absolve clinics from observing the law would be beyond his power as Governor. “As the state’s chief executive I could, like President Obama has done, use discretion in determining which laws would be enforced,” McAuliffe asserted. “And should there be any slip-ups at a lower level I could always use my authority to pardon any lawbreakers.”

Senator Pushes Journalist Licensing Scheme

Senator Diane Feinstein (D-Calif) is worried that “the American public is being confused by the writings of unqualified scribblers who at little or no cost can post whatever fictions they want on the Internet. The more considered efforts of legitimate journalists are being drowned out by a flood of ignorant ranting.”

“We need to distinguish between true representatives of the media who are deserving of Constitutional protection from the amateurs who lack the proper credentials and don’t,” the Senator explained. A key distinction in her mind is “whether a person has an employment relationship with a recognized media outlet. Someone who is being paid by MSNBC or the New York Times is worthy of our regard for ‘freedom of the press.’ ‘Do-it-yourself’ bloggers, tweeters, and pamphleteers do not qualify for this protection.”

Feinstein seemed especially irked that “someone like Edward Snowden is allowed to blab all he wants about government secrets without facing some sort of consequence. Neither should journalists feel that they can ‘simply’ repeat what he says without fear of repercussions. The potential excommunication from a paying job with an authorized purveyor of news is what injects a modicum of responsibility into how the news is reported. People outside this milieu are unconstrained and dangerous. We’ve got to rein them in somehow.”

Reid Gloats over Budget Brinksmanship Strategy

Despite opining that “a government shutdown would be the worst possible outcome in our negotiations over the budget,” Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) vowed he will “make no compromises to avoid it.”

“We’ve got control of the narrative,” Reid boasted. “Why should we give Republicans a break? Almost half of Americans depend on the government to put money in their pockets. The other half are afraid of riots in the streets if the flow of subsidies to client populations is halted. The media are ‘all in’ for blaming the GOP if anything bad happens. When you have the winning hand you don’t need to be nice.”

The Senate Majority Leader’s perspective was echoed by House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio). “We’re past the point of no return in this country,” Boehner argued. “Too many people are on the government teat. The slide into the abyss can’t be avoided. All we can do is try to get our fair share of the loot before it all goes to Hell.”

Reid acknowledged that he wasn’t entirely unsympathetic to Boehner’s plight. “We’ve offered to help him fend off the Tea Partiers in his Party,” Reid said. “If he can bring enough Republicans over to our side on the budget we’ll see to it that those who cooperate get a bigger piece of the pie when it’s carved up.”

White House Elated by Syrian Turn of Events

While many are convinced that President Obama’s bumbling over Syria has put America in a bad spot, this is not the case in the White House. Obama may have made a threat he shouldn’t have and can’t get Congress or the general public to support, but this hasn’t dampened the Administration’s morale.

Press Secretary Jay Carney was openly elated by developments. “Look, right now the expectations of the American people for what the president can do are extremely low,” Carney observed. “In essence, he’s off the hook. The ball is in Putin’s court. He’s the one who has to make something happen. If he fails, well, it’ll be on him. If he succeeds we’ll point out that it was our threat to start bombing that inspired him to act. The President’s so-called ill-advised threat then becomes a brilliant bluff.”

A decidedly unelated Senator John McCain (R-Ariz) fears that “our opportunity to attack Syria may be slipping away,” and urged President Obama to launch a military strike “before Putin or Congress has the chance to derail it. Making your decision contingent on diplomacy or a legislative endorsement undermines the perception that the United States President is the most powerful person in the world. This would undo the work of a succession of presidents going all the way back to Lincoln. It’s not what our Founding Fathers envisioned or what so many patriotic soldiers have died fighting to protect.”

The Senator did get a chuckle out of the idea that a president launching a war without Congressional approval might be  impeached. “First of all, the President is the Commander-in-Chief,” McCain pointed out. “If the Commander says attack it is everyone’s duty to follow orders.”

As for the Constitution’s grant of the power to declare war to Congress, McCain maintained that “this is an anachronism, like the parts of the Constitution that upheld slavery. It has no force under our modern conception of government.”

McCain didn’t find it at all ironic that the President’s proposed attack on Syria would align the United States with Assad’s al-Qaeda opponents—the same international terrorist organization that attacked the World Trade Center and Pentagon in 2011. “Changing sides during wartime happens all the time,” McCain said. “If you’ll recall, Italy changed sides during World War II. So, I don’t think it’s a big deal if both al-Qaeda and the United States join forces against the Assad Regime in Syria.”

Gun Control Pols Ousted in Recall Election

Last Tuesday, voters in Colorado ousted Colorado Senate President John Morse (D-Colorado Springs) and state Senator Angela Giron (D-Pueblo) from their seats in the State Legislature. Both were prominent gun control advocates. While Morse took his defeat with some degree of grace, Giron cried “foul.”

As Giron sees it, her 56-44 percent trouncing was the result of “voter suppression.” “Thanks to the generosity of New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg we outspent the other side by a seven-to-one ratio,” Giron recounted. “How could this not have been a decisive edge? The only logical conclusion is they cheated.”

“The need to control guns is a national issue, not a state issue,” Giron said. “Yet, non-Coloradans were routinely denied the right to cast ballots on my behalf. On top of this, people who felt strongly on this issue were prevented from voting more than once. This negates the impact of enthusiasm and commitment that has become a vital component of modern voting procedure in venues as widespread as professional sports and reality TV.”

Democratic National Committee Chairperson, Representative Debbie Wasserman-Schultz, seconded Giron’s assessment calling it “voter suppression, pure and simple. It’s part of a disturbing trend we’re seeing rear its ugly head around the nation—demands that voters show ID, excessive scrutiny of voter registration rolls, and undo suspicion of boxes of mail-in ballots delivered by political action committees. These heinous tactics constitute a severe threat to progressive values succeeding in elections at all levels.”

Transformation of US Making Headway

Recent statistics indicating that 48  percent of births in the United States now occur below the poverty line were hailed by Secretary of Health and Human Services Kathleen Sebelius as “evidence we are making the strides in the transformation of this country that President Obama promised.”

“Throughout human history the enjoyment of sex and parenthood has been inhibited by the reluctance to take on the responsibility of rearing children,” Sebelius announced. “These data show we are alleviating some of these inhibitions. Hopefully, there will come a day when the freedom to procreate will be totally unconstrained by any financial apprehensions.”

The possibility that a growing proportion of dependency might become an unwieldy burden didn’t faze the Secretary. “I am confident that those who are able will pick up as heavy a load as society may require of them,” she declared. “Are we not all bidden to be our brother’s keeper?”

Police Severely Beat Truck Driver

Truck driver Olegs Kozacenko was nearly beaten to death by officers of the California Highway Patrol. Kozacenko’s offense was refusing to sign a citation written by one of the officers. His injuries included a crushed left orbital eye socket, multiple facial fractures, a broken left arm, broken ribs, a concussion, loss of consciousness, and possible neurological damage.

“If he had simply signed the citation as he was asked he wouldn’t have gotten hurt,” Acting Chief Ken Hill explained. “Members of the general public need to understand that they have nothing to fear as long as they comply with the orders they are given by our officers.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

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