By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
Secretaries of state from Ohio and Kansas say that the documents—driver’s licenses and Social Security numbers—being provided to the illegal immigrants granted amnesty by President Obama open a “loophole” that will make it easy for these non-citizens to vote in our elections.
Presidential Press Secretary Josh Earnest questioned the characterization of potential voting by these persons as a “loophole. I would say it would be more accurately described as a ‘feature’ of the President’s executive action regarding the ‘dreamers’ he is trying to aid.”
Earnest also took issue with the premise that the “dreamers” being granted these privileges are “non-citizens. The President’s intent is to bring these people out of the shadows and into the light by normalizing their status. An important part of the normalization process is having the right to exercise all the privileges extended to other Americans—including voting.”
“Excluding these folks from voting would shut them out from enjoying the very basic human right of participating in the selection of those who rule them,” Earnest declared. “That would be tyranny. This country is indeed fortunate that a person able to break free of the prejudices and out-dated constraints that have hampered previous presidents has taken the bold step of decreeing a new reality.”
The Press Secretary expressed the hope that “these secretaries of state won’t take the same futile obstructionist road that the Alabama Supreme Court attempted to take on gay marriage. Voluntary cooperation in the issuance of key state documents like driver’s licenses and voter registration is preferred, but the President will not hesitate to enforce compliance if that cooperation is resisted or delayed.”
In related news, the Obama Administration has ordered U.S. Border Patrol agents to release illegals driving under the influence of alcohol or drugs. The directive signed by outgoing Attorney General Eric Holder warned agents “not to impose American standards of sobriety on persons raised in a different culture. Yankee imperialism must not spread its tentacles into places where it doesn’t belong.”
UN Official: Capitalism Must Be Destroyed for Sake of Planet
In remarks to an inner cadre of the U.N.’s Framework Convention on Climate Change, Executive Secretary Christiana Figueres, maintained that “economic progress since the Industrial Revolution has gone too far. The Earth is in danger of being overrun by unconstrained prosperity.”
“Capitalists like to contend that the increased life expectancies and material well-being of billions of people is some sort of proof that the system is a good thing,” Figueres said. “But they are wrong. Billions more humans living longer lives in greater luxury is a problem, not a benefit.”
“There is no objective evidence proving that people living longer is better in a collective sense for all the biota of the planet,” Figueres continued. “What about all of the other animals and plants whose lives may have been made worse off by the success of this one species?”
“Nether is there any objective proof that the freedom and opportunity the market system imposes on people is a source of happiness,” Figueres argued. “Freedom and opportunity force people to make choices. If these choices don’t turn out well, people may experience guilt or regret. Failures would then be largely an individual’s own fault. If we transition to a system where the important decisions are made for people by ruling authorities we will relieve them of their feelings of guilt and regret. Their suffering wouldn’t be their own fault.”
Figueres hailed the anti-global warming movement as “an ingenious innovation in social thought. World leaders and the media have done a masterful job of elevating normal climate fluctuations into a crisis justifying stern government measures to rein-in the excesses of human achievement. This will make the necessary culling of the human herd in order to save the planet an attainable goal within the next decade or two.”
Walker’s Lack of College Degree Called “Disqualifying”
Unsuccessful presidential candidate and former Governor Howard Dean (D-Vt) assailed Wisconsin’s Republican Governor Scott Walker’s lack of a college degree as “disqualifying. Given the complex world we live in, America needs to be led by only the most highly educated men and women. The fate of the nation can’t be entrusted to a guy who couldn’t hack it and dropped out.”
“Look, college in the 1980s, when Walker was a student, wasn’t that hard,” Dean argued. “Even the minimally competent could get a degree. A person would’ve had to be incredibly dumb or unmotivated not to have been able to finish. Why should voters want such a guy?”
As “proof of his dumbness,” Dean cited Walker’s unwillingness to comment on evolution. “Do we really want a president who dodges such an important issue?” Dean asked. Dean characterized Walker’s stance that the topic of evolution was not within the bounds of the legitimate authority of any government position, as “a smoke screen. The nation’s president is a moral as well as a political leader. The people have a right to know whether he accepts the common core of beliefs agreed upon by our best and brightest minds.”
Friends say Dean’s rancor toward Walker shows he is still bitter about 2004, “when the best educated person to ever seek the presidency was edged out of the Democratic nomination by a pompous ass who then turned around and lost to an ignorant Texas yokel—a sequence of events that forever shamed America.”
In related news, veteran Democratic strategist Pat Caddell castigated his Party as “dictator to the common man. They must be using Orwell’s Big Brother as their role model.”
Islamic State Files Slander Suit against Obama, Kerry
Incensed that the President Barack Obama and Secretary of State John Kerry have damaged their reputation by falsely claiming that Islam is a religion of peace, attorneys for the Islamic State have filed a defamation of character suit in the District of Columbia Federal Court.
“The unrelenting attempt to portray our righteous slaughter of unbelievers and apostates as contrary to the will of Allah and the tenets of Islam is a slander of the worst kind,” insisted attorney Muhammad Baddman. “Islam is the religion of the sword. The Quran commands the faithful to make war on all who resist the Prophet’s message. We are the true adherents of his message, not the kafirs occupying the Obama Administration.”
“One of the biggest lies propagated by Kerry and Obama regards the linguistic root for the word Islam,” Baddman asserted. “They claim it comes from the word salām (peace), when in actuality it comes from words meaning submission. We follow the sharia. We pray five times daily as prescribed. We strike the necks of the infidels and unbelievers. Our right to define Islam is fully supported by our obedience to scripture.”
The suit asks that the Court order Kerry and Obama to “cease and desist their campaign to misrepresent Islam and to award monetary damages in an amount sufficient to compensate the Islamic State for expenses incurred in its efforts to correct the misrepresentation—including, but not limited to the costs of acquiring, housing, and executing hostages, as well as the costs of both subjugating unbelievers and fending off interference from US Armed Forces.”
In related news, Former Clinton Administration Secretary of State Madeleine Albright denounced Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s planned speech to Congress next month as “the worse invasion of US sovereignty since the British burned the White House in 1814.” Albright expressed her approval of President Obama’s efforts to deal with the threat by sending help to Netanyahu’s political opponents. “It’s a peaceful and restrained response. The President could’ve just sent a drone to take him out. That he didn’t is further validation of the Nobel Peace Prize he won in 2009.”
FEC Mulling Plan to Limit Political Blogging
Concerned that “the low cost of Internet communications could adversely impact candidates who communicate by legitimate regulated paid media,” the Federal Elections Commission is considering regulations that would place a cap on blogs and tweets that conforms with campaign finance rules.
Under the proposed scheme, the FEC would estimate the monetary value of every political comment made on these media. Once the accumulated value of comments reached the ceiling for contributions to a candidate or ballot measure, the blogger or tweeter would be ordered to stop making any additional comments prior to election day. Failure to do so would subject the offender to triple damages.
FEC Chairwoman Ann Ravel characterized the move as “one of simple fairness. The hard work of candidates like Hillary Clinton and Jeb Bush raising money for media buys shouldn’t be diluted by the cheap shots taken by unregulated bloggers and tweeters. We can’t let our election process devolve into some sort of free-for-all where anyone can say whatever he wants without limitation. It just wouldn’t be right.”
In related news, the United States dropped to 49th in the annual World Press Freedom Ranking just published by Reporters Without Borders. This is lower than countries like Malta, Niger, Burkino Faso, El Salvador, Tonga, Chile and Botswana, none of which are covered by the First Amendment to the US Constitution. Press Secretary Josh Earnest sought to downplay the news by reminding that “at least we’re still in the top 50.”
A Satirical Look at Recent News
John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire column for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties that our nation’s Founding Fathers tried to protect.
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