By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
Donald Trump’s bid to become president received a boost from an unexpected source when racist loon Al Sharpton promised to leave the country should Trump be elected.
According to Sharpton, his pledge to leave the country “is a desperate plea to the people who love me to spare my having to move out” and “would save the government the expense of having to deport me along with all the other so-called undesirables Trump has threatened to oust.”
Trump’s campaign manager Corey Lewandowski predicted that Sharpton’s vow “will help Donald’s efforts to win votes. Getting endorsements from friends is nice, but having the right enemies can also be a big help. Of course, as an American citizen, Mr. Sharpton would be in no danger of being deported by a Trump Administration. However, as a tax-cheat he could face prosecution. So it’s not really a surprise that he might be planning to escape with his ill-gotten loot before that happens.”
In related news, Trump says he will open up the libel laws once he becomes president. “Opponents who tell lies about me, the media who repeat those lies, and editors who smear me as untrustworthy won’t be able to get off scot free,” Trump declared. “They will be held accountable for purposely negative remarks and sued until they are broken of this horrible habit.”
Clinton Contrasts Immigration Stance with Rivals
Eyeing the Latino vote, Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton sought to distinguish herself from both fellow Democratic candidate Sen. Bernie Sanders and GOP front-runner Donald Trump by taking a pro-illegal immigrant stance.
“To those swayed by Trump’s plan to build a wall to keep Mexicans from coming to America I would like to know ‘who will clean our homes and mow our lawns?’” she asked. “These are the jobs that Trump and Sanders want to reserve for Americans. But do Americans really want these jobs, even at $15 an hour?”
Clinton professed to “understand the GOP’s racist desire to block these future Democratic voters, but what can Sanders be thinking? Is the short-run preservation of menial jobs for Americans who don’t want them worth delaying the day when Democrats, bolstered by the votes of millions more Latinos, can monopolize political power at the local, state, and national levels? Those of us who believe in progressive values need to take the long view, as President Obama has, and do everything we can to ensure the Party’s permanent ascendancy”
“As president, not only will I bar the construction of any more walls, but until those that exist are torn down I will build ladders and ship them to Mexico so migrants can more easily and safely enter the United States,” she announced. “This will enable us to complete the transformation of America that President Obama has initiated.”
In related news, Sanders brushed aside fears that socialism in America could lead down the same destructive path it has in Venezuela, where shortages of toilet paper now plague that nation. “Look, for most of human history people have gotten along without toilet paper, clean clothes, and adequate food,” he pointed out. “We are tough enough to survive without luxuries like toilet paper. Its absence from the sewage system will clear the pipes and lessen the burden on the environment. I’d call shortages of such unneeded luxuries more of a feature, than a flaw, of socialism.”
Kerry Complains Released Terrorist “Broke His Word”
News reports that former Gitmo detainee Ibrahim al Qosi has rejoined al Qaeda has Secretary of State John Kerry in a snit. “We had an agreement with him that he was not supposed to do that,” Kerry complained.
Kerry’s remarks in testimony before the State, Foreign Operations, and Related Programs Subcommittee of the Senate Appropriations Committee left no doubt that he was mightily peeved. “We go to great care in drafting the papers detainees must sign before we let them out of prison,” Kerry said. “Contractually, I think these signed agreements are airtight. I believe we will have a strong case for a breach-of-contract lawsuit against this man.”
“You know, part of the problem may have been that he was released to Somalia,” Kerry observed. “If it weren’t for Congressional opposition we could have released him in the United States as President Obama wanted to do. So, in a way, Congress is just as much at fault for al Qosi’s return to terrorist activities as anyone.”
The Secretary used this incident as an opening argument for the President’s proposal to close the Gitmo facility and bring any remaining detainees to the United States. “This US military prison on the Island of Cuba is an impediment to improving relations with the Castro Government,” Kerry lamented. “Shutting it down and ceding the land back to Cuba would be a major step for our country in atonement for the damage we have done to the Cuban Government over the last 50 years. The President has graciously given Congress the opportunity to participate in this historic rapprochement. I urge them to grasp this opportunity or risk missing the boat if he has to go it alone.”
DOJ Tries to Nix State Requirement of Proof of Citizenship to Vote
The US Department of Justice joined with plaintiffs suing to prohibit the U.S. Elections Assistance Commission (EAC) from allowing states to include proof of citizenship on voter registration forms. Further, the DOJ barred the EAC from hiring lawyers to defend the agency in the lawsuit.
Bowing to provisions in Article I, Section 2 of the Constitution, the Tenth Amendment, and the Seventeenth Amendment, the EAC consented to permit states to regulate voter eligibility in their jurisdiction. The League of Women Voters objected and filed suit demanding a preliminary injunction and temporary restraining order, arguing that “requiring proof of citizenship presents an unacceptable legal barrier to voting by non-citizens. The right to vote is an essential human right that must be extended to all humans regardless of their status under arcane eligibility requirements. Non-citizens are subject to the same laws as citizens are. They must be permitted to participate in the selection of those who govern them.”
U.S. District Judge Richard Leon called the DOJ’s actions “unprecedented” and “extraordinary. It is the Department’s legal responsibility to defend a federal agency against a suit launched against it. The Department has neglected this responsibility. Further, the Department’s prohibition against the agency’s access to outside legal representation compounds its dereliction of duty.” The Judge lifted the DOJ’s ban on outside counsel, denied the League’s request for an injunction, and promised to rule on the restraining order within a few days.
Unchastened by the Judge’s ruling, Attorney General Loretta Lynch challenged “the authority of a mere district judge to countermand the policy set by the President of the United States. President Obama was elected by the people of America to transform the way our government operates. Judge Leon’s mandate is not broad enough to outweigh the President’s sacred obligation to fulfill his promise to the voters who elected him. So, I doubt anything will come of the Judge’s efforts to block or undo whatever the President wants done.”
In related news, the New York City Council is considering an ordinance that would explicitly allow non-citizens to vote. Bertha Lewis, head of the Black Institute, heartily endorsed the idea saying “it’s about time that the 1.3 million residents of this city who aren’t citizens to get a say in electing those who govern them. They should have just as much right to protect their interests in welfare and public housing as those who are citizens.”
Pelosi Appalled by GOP’s Disrespect for Obama
House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) pronounced herself appalled by the GOP’s stated refusal to confirm anyone President Obama nominates to fill the Supreme Court vacancy caused by the recent death of Justice Antonin Scalia. “The blatant disrespect goes beyond anything I have witnessed in all my years in government,” she claimed.
Pelosi said she was unaware of any comparable behavior on the part of Democrats toward Republican presidents despite public statements by prominent Democratic senators during the two Bush Administrations. “Statements made by then Senator Biden (D-Del) in 1992 or Senator Chuck Schumer (D-NY) in 2007 had no taint of racism since these were white men contesting the actions of other white men,” she asserted. “All were beneficiaries of white privilege, so no injustice was committed.”
The Minority Leader also dismissed then Senator Obama’s (D-Ill) attempt to filibuster President Bush’s Supreme Court nominee Samuel Alito in 2006, calling it “an indiscretion of a youthful first term senator. The President readily admits it was a mistake. It would be spiteful to use that against him now.”
Those on the campaign trail for the Democratic presidential nomination were equally ardent in their reactions to the GOP stance against approving an Obama selection. Hillary Clinton urged that “the President should immediately name a solid progressive to the post in order to keep the transformational momentum going. As we have seen over the last seven years, Congress has obstructed the legislation the President has offered to advance this goal. Getting a solid Court majority in place could bypass this blockage.” Sen. Bernie Sanders (S-Vt) labeled the Republic attitude “simple racism. I don’t recall white senators taking such an implacable stand against the nominees of white presidents.”
A Satirical Look at Recent News
John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.
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