Dem Candidates Agree on Abortion

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnThe two Democratic contenders for the Party’s 2016 presidential nomination fended off the possibility that states should have any leeway in limiting abortions carried out within their borders.

In a statement eerily similar to the Supreme Court’s 1857 Dred Scott decision, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton argued that “fetuses are creatures of an inferior order. They are not persons under the law or Constitution. Consequently, the imputation of their imaginary so-called right to life cannot displace the very real right of the mother to the liberty to not be encumbered with the burdens of pregnancy and child care that anti-choice fanatics would seek to impose on her.”

The right established by the Court in its historic Roe vs. Wade decision would be meaningless if state legislatures are allowed to chip away at them,” Clinton added. “Mandatory ultrasounds, 72-hour waiting periods, and prohibition of late term abortions are all infringements on a woman’s fundamental right against being forced to bear a child.”

Sen. Bernie Sanders (S-Vt) concurred with Clinton’s stance and lamented that “the resurrection of the discredited claim that powers not delegated to the federal government by the Constitution are reserved to the states would be used for such a disgraceful objective. Minority women are disproportionate beneficiaries of the right to an abortion. How are attempts to limit these rights not seen as racist?”

Sanders vowed to “appoint Supreme Court Justices that will protect and broaden the rights granted by Roe vs. Wade beyond the artificial birth threshold. Merely surviving the journey down the birth canal is no great accomplishment. It must not be used as an argument for bestowing a whole roster of rights and privileges to the entity that emerges if the mother opposes the continued existence of this entity.”

In related news, Governor Earl Ray Tomblin (D-WV) vetoed a bill banning dismemberment abortions. “The Supreme Court has determined that every woman has a Constitutional right to an abortion,” Tomblin declared. “Opposition to a procedure that fulfills this right is an attempt to impose a restriction. The contention that the pain of being torn limb from limb somehow validates such a restriction usurps this fundamental right.”

DOJ Considering Prosecuting “Climate Deniers”

The U.S. Department of Justice is exploring ways of “bringing climate change deniers to justice,” said Attorney General Loretta Lynch in Senate testimony. “Global climate change represents the most severe threat to humanity that has ever existed. It is imperative that we be united in the struggle against this menace. Yet, there are elements of society that undermine this necessary unity by casting doubt in people’s minds. We must put a stop to that.”

Sen. Sheldon Whitehouse (D-RI) urged the DOJ “to use all the tools at its disposal, including civil forfeiture and criminal sanctions, against these abettors of planetary disaster. We need to send a stern message that doubters will not have free rein to mislead and confuse the American public with their erroneous and nonconforming opinions.”

Using the government’s action against tobacco manufacturers as a model, Whitehouse demanded “a vigorous prosecution of these despoilers of Mother Earth. We are far beyond the stage where mere warning labels will suffice. The pain of financial destitution and imprisonment must be meted out to the producers, consumers, and defenders of the fossil fuel industry and its products.”

Lynch thanked the Senator for his “passionate advocacy for the planet and willingness to embrace the harsh measures that will be necessary to win this battle,” but also reminded that “there is only so much we can do in the time remaining before the next administration takes office in 2017. If we are to save the planet it is imperative that a Democrat succeed President Obama in office. The risk that a Republican president might undo the progress we’ve made by using a ‘freedom of speech’ excuse in order to shield deniers would be a setback that cannot be tolerated.”

In other DOJ news, Lynch rebuffed suggestions that a criminal referral from the FBI on Hillary Clinton’s email infractions would compel her to prosecute the former Secretary of State. “The decision on whether to take action against anyone is a matter of pure discretion,” she asserted. “Simple violation of a criminal statute is not dispositive. If, in our judgment, justice would be better served by ignoring the infraction we are fully authorized to decline to carry the case forward.”

Democratic National Committee Chairwoman Rep. Debbie Wasserman-Schultz (Fla) confirmed that “I have been assured by both President Obama and Attorney General Lynch that there will be no prosecution for any crimes Secretary Clinton may have committed in the course of her service in the Administration or on the campaign trail.”

Obama Denies Responsibility for Divisiveness

President Barack Obama denied responsibility for any role he might have had in the disagreements roiling the American population during the current election campaign.

Look, the voters elected me as their president,” he pointed out. “I was the one with the mandate to lead. It is those who have resisted acquiescence in my leadership who are the source of the divisiveness afflicting the country. Is it the parent who lays down the law that is at fault? Or is is the unruly child who defies the parent that should be held responsible for the disruption and disobedience?”

The President blamed “talk radio for inciting the opposition and rebellion that have encouraged too many Americans to actively criticize and resist the progressive changes the majority of Americans want. Access to the public airways is something that the Federal Communications Commission could’ve done a better job at controlling. Clearly, the daily castigation of my policies and person by the likes of Rush Limbaugh and others is an abuse of a privilege that would be better exercised by seeking ways to help the government carry out the actions needed to advance the collective welfare of all Americans.”

Obama cited the GOP presidential candidates’ rhetoric as “proof of how dissident elements are wrecking our community. We repeatedly hear the phrase ‘repeal and replace’ when we should be hearing ‘extend and expand’ when the GOP candidates are talking about the advances made under my administration. They are the ones dividing the country. Perhaps I should’ve been less lenient and taken stronger steps to dampen overt expressions of discontent, disagreement, and disobedience. Maybe that’s a lesson the next president can learn from.”

Signs that the next president may have learned this lesson were exhibited when Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton labeled criticism of the Obama Administration’s achievements “un-American trafficking in prejudice and paranoia. At this point in our history it is important that all those who would seek to lead this great nation be on the same page with the progress already made over the last seven years. Will voters endorse a candidate who will continue on this path or will they be duped into electing a GOP wrecker? That is the big question this year’s election must answer.”

Sanders Says Castro “More Good than Bad”

In this week’s Democratic presidential debate Sen. Bernie Sanders (S-Vt) defended his past praise of Castro’s Cuban dictatorship.

A lot of critics, especially those on the right, overlook the positive things Fidel Castro did for the Cuban people,” Sanders said. “Under Castro’s leadership the Cuban people got education and universal health care. I think this compares very favorably with what the American people got over the same time period.”

Sanders acknowledged that “the Castro regime may not have been democratic as we normally use that term, but for most people the material gains achieved by the regime were probably worth more than the theoretical benefits of free speech that they didn’t have. The number of people imprisoned or executed for opposing the government was tiny compared to the number who benefited from the free education and free health care.”

An example of the health care advantages in Cuba, according to Sanders, are the ubiquitous bread lines. “Apologists for capitalistic excesses frequently use the prevalence of bread lines to mock socialistic economies,” Sanders recounted. “What they want everyone to ignore is the fact that bread is loaded with gluten. Restricting people’s access to bread improves their health.”

The Senator pointed to the enthusiasm generated by his campaign as evidence that “the American people would gladly exchange the intangible rights protected by the Bill of Rights for the tangible benefits of free college and free health care. Freedom of speech doesn’t guarantee you a good job. Freedom of religion doesn’t put food on your table. Why should mindless adoration of these 200-year-old artifacts take precedence over the more meaningful rights a Sanders Administration will bestow upon every man, woman, and child?”

In related news, the Cuban regime advised President Obama “to bring his checkbook with him when he comes to our country next week. We are gratified that he has renounced the 50 years of oppression the United States has imposed on Cuba. Now it is time to make reparations for the deprivation these imperialistic policies imposed upon our nation.”

Hillary Proposes DOE SWAT Team

As a counter to poor performance by America’s public schools, Democratic presidential contender Hillary Clinton proposed to set up a Department of Education “SWAT” Team that would be dispatched to crackdown on errant educators.

The problem with our system of public schools is that false doctrines and anti-government attitudes are allowed to exist without consequence,” Clinton complained. “An ill-advised autonomy for teachers and local schools has served to shield purveyors of anti-social doctrines from the discipline needed to ensure proper inculcation of collective values. Under my plan the Secretary of Education will be empowered to send a special weapons and tactics team to suppress any deviant excursions from the accepted common core curriculum.”

According to the candidate, the special weapons and tactics will include “the power to terminate any offending teacher regardless of any contractual impediments. Tenure should not protect a teacher who contradicts the progressive agenda. Likewise, local control will be overridden whenever it conflicts with the objectives set by the DOE.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

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