By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
Saying he is tired of waiting for the legislature to take action, Gov. Terry McAuliffe (D-Va) issued an executive order restoring voting rights to convicted felons. The move is expected to add more than 200,000 Democrats to the state’s voter rolls.
“Ours is a government of, by, and for the people,” McAuliffe said. “This means all the people. For better or for worse, criminals are part of society. As members of society they are entitled to the human right to vote, to choose who will represent their interests in the halls of government.”
The Governor brushed aside Republican objections, calling them “politically motivated. Granted, attorneys for former Gov. Kaine (D) advised that the type of action I’m taking would constitute a ‘troubling rewrite of state law and the constitution.’ But I got my own attorneys and they assure me that there is no limit to my authority to correct what I perceive as injustices.”
“On top of the issue of justice is the very practical concern that the votes of these felons could very well make the difference between whether a Democrat or a Republican takes the state’s electoral votes in this November’s election for president,” McAuliffe pointed out. “I cannot sit idly by when there is so much at stake.”
McAuliffe professed himself unfazed by GOP gubernatorial hopeful Ed Gillespie’s charge that “this sweeping action benefiting convicted rapists, murderers and child molesters is a reckless abuse of executive power.” “Sweeping action is what the voters of this state elected me to do. If the enfranchisement of 200,000 more Democratic voters also makes it tougher on Mr. Gillespie’s political aspirations so much the better.”
In related news, McAuliffe mentor Hillary Clinton told Connecticut Democrats that she would “spend every single minute of every day to change the gun culture in America” and promised “to take executive action to amend the Second Amendment to keep guns out of the hands of those who oppose progressive values.”
Dem Operative Says “Hillary Will Be Elected Even If She’s in Jail”
Long-time Democratic insider, and current CNN political correspondent, Bob Beckel predicted that “Hillary will be elected president even if she’s in jail on election day. The American people don’t care about emails or computer security. Their expectations are that those they elect to lead them will rise above a literal compliance with the law in order to more effectively wield the power that is necessary to govern the nation.”
Beckel discounted the possibility that Clinton’s legal troubles would pose any impediments to her assumption of the presidency. “I’d say that by winning in November she will have been effectively ‘pardoned’ for any and all crimes by the voters,” he contended. “In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if, at that point, President Obama were to officially pardon her. Failing that, she could always pardon herself as she would be entitled to do as president under Article II of the US Constitution.”
Hillary for President campaign manager Robbie Mook confirmed Beckel’s take, saying “this election will be all about trust. Who will voters trust to govern them? A billionaire businessman with no government experience? Or a woman who has occupied high positions within government over the past two decades, where she has demonstrated a nimbleness and agility to outfox every attack against her from her political foes? We see that as a ‘no brainer’ of a decision and are confident of victory in November.”
Illegal Aliens Have “Lawful Presence” Says Solicitor General
The lawless Obama Administration’s Solicitor General Donald Verrilli told the Supreme Court that “persons in the United States illegally may be granted a ‘lawful presence’ at the discretion of the President. As the nation’s legal sovereign his word is law and supersedes the legal constraints imposed by statute or the Constitution” and urged the Justices to reject the lawsuit being pressed by 26 states “because they are relying on an out-dated conception of the powers of government.”
“Rather than inventing a new executive power not contemplated by the framers of the Constitution, why doesn’t the President just utilize the power to pardon lawbreakers given to him under Article II?” Chief Justice John Roberts asked.
“A simple pardon would attenuate the President’s control over the affected group,” Verrilli replied. “The ‘lawful presence’ concept allows the President to tolerate or not tolerate the presence of this group at his option. It’s a way of ensuring that the affected individuals will conduct themselves in the manner that the President finds acceptable. It gives the President leverage over them. A pardoned individual is free to behave in any manner he chooses. The President’s ability to influence such individuals would be significantly impeded.”
California Bill Would Effectively Ban All Gun Dealers
Assembly Bill 2459, sponsored by Assembly Member Kevin McCarty (D-Sacramento) would institute such draconian regulations on firearms vendors that most, perhaps all, would be driven out of business. This is okay by McCarty, though, because “it would draw a distinct line between the duly authorized and armed police and the outlaws who possess guns.”
“Let’s say that all legitimate gun dealers shutdown,” McCarty speculated. “There would be no legal way for a law-abiding citizen to obtain a firearm. The only available source would be an illegal street purchase. In one fell swoop, my bill would convert everyone with a gun into a criminal. The job of law enforcement would be simple and straight forward—everyone else with a gun would be a criminal.”
“The ambiguities of guns fired in so-called self-defense would be eliminated,” the Assemblyman argued. “The law-abiding and innocent would be disarmed. Police could enter any fray with the confidence of knowing that anyone firing a weapon is a criminal. The hesitations created by uncertainty regarding whether a person is legally engaged in self-defense would be cast aside. Anyone with a gun would be a legitimate target for officers. Fewer police would get shot while trying to figure out who the bad guys are—it would be everyone with a gun.”
McCarty admitted that his bill “will not immediately remove firearms from those who already own them,” but hoped that “by explaining the new rules of engagement to our law-abiding members of society they will voluntarily give up their weapons so as not to be targeted by police in any incidents going forward.”
In related news, both Democratic contenders for president voiced support for a policy of suing gun manufacturers for crimes committed by persons wielding their firearms. “If every shooting victim or his surviving heirs can win millions from gun-manufacturers it would become financially ruinous for them to stay in business,” Hillary Clinton boasted. “We could render the Second Amendment defunct just like the parts of the original Constitution dealing with slavery were rendered defunct by the Civil War.”
Obama Threats to Veto 9/11 Bill
Legislation that would declassify a portion of the 9/11 Commission report on the attacks on the World Trade Center and Pentagon in 2001 “will be vetoed by the President” said Press Secretary Josh Earnest “because it would disclose that government officers in Saudi Arabia provided the ‘seed money’ for al-Qaeda and, thus, do irreparable damage to the relationship between our two countries.”
“While there is no evidence that aiding al-Qaeda was the official policy of the Saudi government there is evidence that lower ranking government officials may have been involved,” Earnest admitted. “Should the Saudi government have done a better job of controlling its own employees? Perhaps, but that’s all water under the bridge at this point. What’s done is done. Exposing such a sensitive matter now would be a gross invasion into Saudi Arabia’s internal affairs.”
Deputy national security adviser Ben Rhodes acknowledged that “there was, certainly, at least kind of an insufficient attention to where all this money was going over many years from the government apparatus. But should we really be the ones casting stones? All kinds of money flows from our government to dubious, sinister and wasteful purposes. So, we are not without sin on such matters. The President feels that ‘forgive and forget’ may be our best option going forward.”
Obama Inadvertently Boosts Brexit Movement
President Obama’s pledge “to never set foot in the UK again if that country’s voters decide to leave the European Union” appears to have bolstered the movement pushing for that objective.
Independence Party leader Nigel Farage said “this threat from the odious Mr. Obama is a shot-in-the-arm to our efforts to extricate our country from the bureaucratic tyranny that the EU has become. It’s like a ‘buy one, get one free’ offer. Not only will the people of the United Kingdom get to disentangle ourselves from the EU’s continental fops, we will also, apparently, see the last of America’s premier self-righteous prig.”
Obama’s National Security Adviser Susan Rice called Farage’s remarks “daring and dangerous. He’s overlooking the fact that President Obama controls the world strongest military force—a force that could easily crush the United Kingdom in a matter of weeks if he gave the order.”
British Prime Minister David Cameron, a proponent of the UK’s continued membership in the EU, thanked Ambassador Rice “for helping to clarify the stakes in this important referendum.”
A Satirical Look at Recent News
John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.
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