By – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
In response to an audience member’s concern that Democrats want to take guns away from law-abiding people, President Obama sought to reassure the man that his fears were exaggerated.
“The notion that I, or Hillary or Democrats or whoever want to personally grab everyone’s guns is just not true,” he said. “I would never grab anyone’s gun, but I think we can all agree that there are some dangerous elements in our society who ought not to have them.”
“What we need are sensible controls over who can and can’t have guns,” the president continued. “Who can better make this determination than law enforcement authorities? Police have to deal with the criminal population on a daily basis. Surely we can trust their judgment. I don’t see anything wrong with individuals having to prove to police their need to be personally armed before they are granted permission to have a firearm.”
The president rebuffed the argument that the high homicide rate in Chicago—a city with extremely strict control over gun ownership—undermines the “gun control” model he holds out as the solution. “Clearly, too many people are getting shot in my hometown,” Obama admitted. “What that tells me is that the controls that exist are insufficient. Obviously, stronger measures are called for. At a minimum we need to know where all the guns are. A universal registration database would enable us to move quickly to disarm those we deem a threat.”
“There have been more guns sold since I’ve been president than just about any time in U.S. History,” Obama observed. “This is the exact opposite of what I would have liked to see happen. I regret not taking the actions necessary to have prevented this arms race.”
Thugs Attack Trump Supporters, Mayor Blames Candidate
Attendees of a Donald Trump presidential rally in San Jose, California were set upon and beaten by anti-Trump “protesters” this past week. Mayor Sam Liccardo blamed the candidate.
“I personally would never physically attack a political opponent,” Liccardo reassured. “But neither am I ready to absolve Trump for his role in provoking the violence. California was once part of Mexico before it was illegally seized by the United States in 1848. Donald Trump hasn’t denounced this thievery. To the contrary, he has stridently threatened to eject Mexicans who are trying to repatriate this territory.”
“San Jose is a sanctuary city,” Liccardo pointed out. “We have promised immigrants that they are safe here. By coming here and flaunting his anti-Mexican views Trump has threatened their safety. It should not be surprising that some of them would try to fight back. The injuries suffered by Trump’s supporters could’ve been avoided if he had stayed in his own country.”
Liccardo said he was thankful that “this whole Trump thing will be just a short-lived phenomenon. Hillary Clinton will put an end to it in the November election. She will bestow voting rights on Mexican immigrants and they will peacefully reestablish Mexican sovereignty over the stolen land.”
In related news, George Mason University professor David Alpher warned that “Trump supporters are worse than ISIS and al-Qaeda. These Islamic terrorists pose no significant threat to our government. Trump, on the other hand, could, with the support of a sufficient number of voters, seize control of our government. This is what we progressives must unite against and do everything in our power to prevent.”
Administration “Not Disappointed” with Job Numbers
Though the Bureau of Labor Statistics report for May showed an anemic 38,000 new jobs were created during the month and a record 94,708,000 Americans were not in the labor force, Obama Administration Press Secretary Josh Earnest insisted that “we are not disappointed with these numbers.”
“Those who can’t grasp the president’s goals for the transformation of this country harp on the point that 38,000 new jobs are far too few to accommodate this country’s monthly 200,000 population increase,” Earnest complained. “Likewise, they see the expansion of the contingent not in the workforce as a negative. They’ve got it exactly backwards. The President sees these figures as proof of progress.”
“Work is a disutility,” Earnest explained. “People only do it because they have to. If they could get everything they want without having to work that would be ideal. Well, the president’s program has made this possible for more people than ever before in our history. A better way of looking at the numbers is to see that fewer than 20 percent of the additional 200,000 persons in the population will be forced to take jobs. More than 80 percent are spared this fate. Nearly 95 million Americans are now freed from the rat race. The president is proud of this achievement.”
“Proud as the president may be, he realizes there is still much work to be done,” Earnest added. “Sadly, more than 62 percent of the adult population are still employed. This is an improvement over the nearly 66 percent in this predicament at the start of the president’s first term. But the gains have been painfully slow and could easily be reversed if current policies aren’t continued in the next administration, as seems likely if the GOP retakes the White House.”
Albright: “No Proof Clinton Emails Hurt Anyone”
Former Clinton Administration Secretary of State Madeleine Albright suggested that the inquiry into Hillary Clinton’s email practices during her tenure as Obama’s Secretary of State “has gone far enough.”
“Okay, she made a mistake and some laws may have been broken, but there’s no proof that the way she handled her email has hurt anyone,” Albright contended. “It’s time for the persecution of this great American to end.”
The possibility that Hillary’s unsecured emails containing classified material might have been hacked and, thereby, exposed covert operatives to potentially fatal risk was brushed aside. “There’s no definitive proof that her emails were hacked,” Albright argued. “Even if there were there would be no way to tell if the deaths of any US assets were the result of such a breach or due to other causes. Who knows for sure whether it was Hillary’s careless handling of his communications regarding the gun-running operation or a video insulting Islam that caused the attack that led to Ambassador Stevens’ death?”
While Albright remains confident that no harm was done, federal records reveal that Hillary Clinton posted and shared the names of concealed U.S. intelligence officials on her unprotected email system. State Department spokeswoman Nicole Thompson said the Department “has no comment on this matter. Some of those in a position to know say they do not recall. Others have asserted their Fifth Amendment right against self-incrimination.”
Albright said she was much more concerned about the danger of Donald Trump becoming president. “He’s completely outside the mainstream of foreign policy thinking,” she asserted. “He doesn’t see the need to confront Russia. He criticized President Obama’s deal with Iran. He demands that other countries pay the United States for the cost of defending them. No one else shares these views. If he is elected the last 20 years of US foreign policy could be completely undone. That would be dangerous.”
In related news, the State Department professed itself to be at a dead-end regarding who authorized lying to the media about the Iran nuclear deal. Spokesman Mark Toner admitted that “obviously, someone told the video technician to delete that information from the briefing, but no one will own up to doing it.” State Department Press Secretary Jen Psaki may have come closest to an admission by suggesting “there are times when diplomacy needs privacy in order to progress.”
Convicted Felon Backed by Obama AG
President Obama and Attorney General Loretta Lynch have joined former director of the Phoenix VA Medical Center Sharon Helman’s suit against wrongful termination. Helman was fired in 2014 following the nationwide VA scandal that erupted after it came to light that veterans were dying while waiting for care at the facilities she oversaw. She was also subsequently convicted of a felony after pleading guilty to accepting bribes.
Despite this blemished performance in her job, Helman is now contending that her firing was too hasty. Lynch agreed, saying that “the 21-day limit for filing an appeal of the firing was too short a time. Typically, the whole process of reviewing a government employee’s status takes months or even years. This is the standard that employees like Ms. Helman had come to expect. The legislation passed in 2014 expediting the process overturned these expectations and is, therefore, unconstitutional.”
Sen. Johnny Isakson (R-Ga), chairman of the Senate Committee on Veterans’ Affairs, characterized Lynch’s claim as “creative fiction. There is nothing in the Constitution that says a government employee’s job status is immune to changes in legislation. Just because these bureaucrats have imagined themselves to be entitled to perpetual employment doesn’t make it a right. For the Administration to side with this miscreant is an outrage.”
Bill Would Criminalize Undercover Filming at Abortion Facilities
California State Assemblyman Jimmy Gomez (D-Los Angeles) is sponsoring legislation that would criminalize undercover reporting of misdeeds occurring at abortion facilities. The bill A.B. 1671, imposes penalties of up to a year behind bars and/or a $2,500 fine for a first offense.
“Abortion is an endorsed practice in this state,” Gomez said. “We need to protect its providers from harassment by those who oppose it.”
Gomez cited “the horrendous invasion of privacy perpetrated by the Center for Medical Progress’ undercover videos of Planned Parenthood’s negotiations for the sale of baby parts as the primary inspiration for this legislation. The contention that these sales were illegal doesn’t justify the despicable methods used to expose this great organization to unwanted publicity and potential prosecution.”
“The actions of the Center for Medical Progress have already had a ‘chilling effect’ on the industry,” the Assemblyman warned. “If we do not act an incalculable number of unwanted children could be born to who knows what cumulative destructive consequence.”