By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton’s daughter went on ABC’s The View talk show to express her dismay at polls showing that a huge majority of Americans consider her mother untrustworthy.
“I realize that some of the things coming out from the emails she tried to conceal are raising questions, but I know my mother and I’m certain that if anything thing she did was wrong in some technical sense that she did it for a good reason,” Chelsea explained. “What a lot of people don’t understand is that her job as the nation’s top diplomat often required her to deliberately lie in order to protect the country. It should be understandable that it might be hard to turn this skill off and on from one situation to another.”
She contrasted “the patriotic motives behind the untruths my mother has spoken with the greed-based dissembling that businessmen like Donald Trump habitually deploy to market their wares. The billions that Trump made via this tactic were deliberate and dwarf the hundreds of millions my parents have incidentally acquired in the course of their careers in public service.”
“There is no one I trust more than my mom,” Chelsea continued. “Her efforts combined with those of my father have built up a hefty inheritance that will ensure that my material needs and those of my children will be met for the foreseeable future. I am proud of the entrepreneurship they’ve shown in extracting such generous fees for speeches. I doubt the self-proclaimed ‘deal maker’ could come close to matching their profit margin.”
The former First Daughter said she has “no qualms about entrusting the care of my children to my mother in the event anything happens to me. They are safely out of the womb and fully protected as persons under our laws—a distinction my mother has had occasion to point out during the past year.”
In related news, Chelsea herself showed she has learned from her parents’ example. In an appearance at an event hosted by College Progressives at Penn State University, students were offered an opportunity to see and hear Chelsea speak for a $500 per head admission. Photos with the former First Daughter were available for $1,000 a pop. And for an additional $2,700, attendees would be granted access to a special reception with her afterwards.
Mentioning Hacked DNC Emails Called “Unfair”
House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) called GOP mention of the content of the Democratic National Committee’s emails hacked and published by Wikileaks “unfair. It’s like a football team purloining a copy of the other team’s playbook and using that to win a game. It’s cheating. It’s dishonest.”
Pelosi brushed aside email content revealing that the DNC cheated by rigging their primaries against Hillary Clinton’s main rival for the nomination Sen. Bernie Sanders (D-Vt), saying “since when do two wrongs make a right? We are calling on the GOP to turn aside from a tit-for-tat. Attempting to get even by mimicking disreputable tactics escalates the conflict. This is a chance for the GOP to take the high road.”
The former House Speaker’s plea addressed to the current House Speaker Paul Ryan (R-Wisc) urged that “Democrats and Republicans must present a united front in the face of the threat posed by Donald Trump. This outsider does not understand the unwritten rules and long standing traditional ways the two Parties interact. He will mercilessly batter us with evidence that was never meant for anyone to see.”
Ryan’s responded that “I have no authority to issue the cease-and-desist order that Rep. Pelosi is requesting. For one, the RNC is an independent body outside the span of the Speaker’s reach. For two, I can’t see that there could be any justification for suspending freedom of speech on the grounds that it makes Democrats uncomfortable.”
Pelosi characterized Ryan’s response as “misogynistic and callous. Here we have the first woman with a realistic chance to become president and all he can do is prattle on about freedom of speech. Where are his priorities. When we add in the toll the stress of the campaign is taking on Hillary’s heath it’s like he’s kicking her when she’s down. Is there no chivalrous bone in his body?”
In related news, Clinton ended her long press conference drought this week as she was mercilessly grilled for 89 seconds by media hounds demanding to know “how was your Labor Day weekend?” and “are you ready to be president?”
Bill Clinton Calls “Make America Great Again” a Racist Message
Former President Bill Clinton made an effort to stir opposition to Donald Trump’s promise to “make America great again” by claiming its intent is “racist. These are code words understood by all white people as a pledge to put blacks down.”
“The main targets of Donald Trump’s vow to bring law and order to our inner cities are black youths,” Clinton asserted. “Look at what he’s saying about black gangs killing each other in Chicago. Clearly, these are the people who will be suppressed by Trump’s knee-jerk support for law enforcement.”
“What is his promise to bring jobs back to the inner cities other than a subtle effort to re-institute black servitude?” Clinton asked. “It would undo the liberation of millions from dreary lives of daily toil just to put food on the table and a roof over their heads. I urge every voter to seriously weigh whether they really want to go backward or whether they are willing to trust Hillary to further the progress made during the Obama Administration.”
President Obama also weighed in on the topic and predicted that “voters will reject Trump’s ‘wacky’ idea. America is as great as its ever been right now. I can’t conceive of a way to make it any better than to continue the progress we have achieved over the last eight years.”
Ironically, a promise to make America great again isn’t a new one. Bill Clinton made this same promise when he ran for president in 1992.
New ISIS Commander Was Trained by US
It turns out that Gulmurod Khalimov, the new ISIS military commander, was one of the “moderate” terrorists who received training from the US State Department. From 2003-2014 Khalimov participated in five counter-terrorism training courses in the United States and in Tajikistan, through the Department of State’s Diplomatic Security/Anti-Terrorism Assistance program.
Department spokeswoman Pooja Jhunjhunwala insisted that Khalimov had “been properly vetted.” The thoroughness of this so-called vetting was called into question by the revelation that he had appeared in a video in which he called Americans pigs and boasted “we will find your towns, we will come to your homes, and we will kill you.”
Jhunjhunwala maintained that “the Administration was fully aware of Khalimov’s threat, but went ahead with the training as a show of sportsmanship. One of the things President Obama is trying to overcome is the perception that the United States is just a big bully. We outgun these jihadis by a considerable margin. Training a few of their leaders is meant to restore a measure of gallantry on the battlefield. It’s sort of like handing your opponent his dropped sword so the duel can continue.”
Secretary of Defense Ash Carter added that “Khalimov only rose to power because Russia’s attacks on ISIS are killing people we trained at great expense. The Administration considers this a hostile act of interference with its aims for the Middle East region. Russia must mend its ways or face retaliation.”
GOP presidential candidate Donald Trump labeled the Obama foreign policy “a disaster” and the Department’s various arguments in defense of it “stupid. It’s just one more illustration of the kind of failed leadership provided by Obama and how horrible it will be for our country if Hillary Clinton is allowed to continue it.”
Clinton called Trump’s open criticism of President Obama “disgraceful and unpatriotic. Our country is at war with these terrorists. It is every American’s duty to stand behind our President and show their support. To do less is to invite our enemies to divide and conquer us.” Averring that “President Obama has been far too lenient with his critics,” Clinton assured voters that she “will take sterner measures to crack down on disloyalty.”
In related news, Clinton declined an invitation to meet with Mexican President Enrique Peña Nieto on the grounds that his prior meeting with Trump “marks him as a man of such astoundingly poor judgment that he cannot discern the difference between an unfit poseur and a legitimate claimant to the office of president.”
Meanwhile, Mexican Senator Armando Ríos Piter is pushing an initiative that “would disavow the Treaty of Guadalupe and resume the state of war that existed between the United States and Mexico prior to its signing in 1848. The gringos stole half of our country. We will call upon the tens of millions of our compatriots residing in the United States to carry out ‘lone wolf’ attacks until the Norte Americano occupiers vacate our land.”
Dem Adviser Minimizes Risk of Vote Fraud
Democratic operative James Carville sought to reassure Americans that the scope of any potential election fraud is too small to be concerned about.
“It has been my experience that the maximum number of fraudulent votes from any one voting machine is around 100,” Carville said. “I know of no presidential election that has ever been decided by 100 votes one way or the other. It would take an army of hackers to rig enough machines to reach a decisive impact on the outcome. And I just can’t imagine that anyone would be willing to go to such lengths to steal an election.”