By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
Jackson Diehl, deputy editorial page editor of the Washington Post, issued a stern warning to voters that “the election of Donald Trump would risk undermining our opportunity to blunt Russian imperialism in Syria. The United States is far stronger than Putin’s Russia. We must not let them succeed.”
“In contrast,” the Diehl pointed out, “Secretary Clinton understands the importance of maintaining a balance of power between the Assad regime and the Islamic State in the region and can be counted on to reject Putin’s plea that the United States and Russia forge a common front against Islamic terrorism.”
Trump campaign manager Kellyanne Conway called the Post editorial “as clear a proof of the need for change in this country’s leadership as we could have hoped to see. Mr. Diehl and Hillary Clinton are mired in the last generation’s cold war ideology. Russia is no longer the Soviet Union. While we may have our differences with Putin it should be obvious that the main threat to peace and civilization in our current era is Islamic terrorism.”
Conway’s remarks on behalf of Trump were labeled “ignorant” by Clinton campaign manager Robby Mook. “They illustrate why the steady hand of a person like Secretary Clinton is needed at the helm. Her experience in government as First Lady, Senator, and Secretary of State have prepared her for making the hard choices regarding international affairs. She has participated in decisions to kill our enemies—experience Trump can only imagine. She has worked side-by-side with President Obama to craft the nuanced policy that has served this nation so well during the current Administration. Voters would be daft to throw that away.”
In related news, Presidential Press Secretary Josh Earnest complained that “Trump’s repeated use of the term ‘Islamic terrorism’ undermines our battle to win the narrative. It’s the Islamic State that is touting the conflict as a jihad inspired by the Quran. Our goal has to be to short-circuit their bid to define what is happening. Use of neutral terms like ‘man caused disaster’ are essential if we are to control the narrative.”
Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton seconded Earnest’s interpretation and went one step further by contending that “Trump’s words give aid and comfort to this nation’s enemies. That’s treason. He must be held accountable for that and he will have to face the consequences of his actions after I’m elected president.”
IRS to Warn Uninsured
Irked by the decision of 20 million Americans who have declined to sign up for Obamacare, the IRS is crafting a letter to advise them of the “antisocial implications” of non-participation.
Commissioner John Koskinen explained that “failure to enroll evinces a lack of cooperation with a policy that the government has determined is necessary. Non-compliers may feel that enrollment is optional. It is not. That’s why there is a fine. Paying the fine doesn’t get them off the hook.”
Koskinen pointed out that “not only does the amount of the fine ratchet up each year, our Agency has other tools at its disposal to try to encourage obedience. We can conduct audits, freeze bank accounts, and seize assets as a means of compelling the recalcitrant to yield to the government’s wishes. We regard advising people of their peril by letter to be a most considerate measure to help them avoid unwanted complications from continued noncompliance.”
In related news, Koskinen told the House Judiciary Committee that he doesn’t deserve to be impeached for lying to Congress because “I was not fully informed that Agency subordinates had illegally destroyed documents under House subpoena. I, like so many others, at the highest levels of government, have been betrayed by feckless or malicious subordinates.” Koskinen blamed “civil service regulations that tie the hands of those appointed by the President to carry out his policies. We don’t have a free hand to replace disloyal employees with others committed to his cause.”
Rep. Jason Chaffetz (R-Utah) characterized Koskinen’s stance as “ludicrous. First, the IRS engaged in illegal discriminatory treatment against conservative groups. Then they covered up the evidence. Now the Commission wants us to believe that non-political civil service employees are the real problem? It looks like the rot at the IRS seeps down from the uppermost level.”
Treasury Says Billions Paid to Iran Not Used to Fund Terrorists
Treasury Secretary Jack Lew told the House Financial Services Committee that “we have no evidence that the billions of dollars we have released to Iran in the past year have been used to fund terrorism. In fact, the government of Iran has assured us, in no uncertain terms, that not one dollar has been used to directly finance any terrorist group.”
Lew admitted that “we have no real way of knowing. We didn’t record the serial numbers of any of the bills we handed over” as “this would not have shown good faith. Friendship is built upon a certain measure of trust. If we don’t trust, if we’re always demanding proof, I don’t see how our two nations can ever hope to be friends.”
Committee Chair Rep. Jeb Hensarling (R-Texas) called Lew’s position “stunningly naive. Iran has been a major funder of terrorist groups throughout the Middle East. The Obama Administration has been funneling cash to the regime by the bucket load, apparently ‘no questions asked.’ They are either insane or stupid beyond belief.”
In related news, members of Libya’s parliament have christened former US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton “the butcher of Libya.” MP Jaballah Al-Shibani complained that “this evil witch took credit for killing Gadhafi, but we are worse off than we ever were under his government. Thousands of families have been destroyed by the radicals, with the women now living under Shariah law with no education, no good health, no schools, no good food, because of Hillary Clinton’s policies. Allah forbid she should gain even more power as America’s president.”
Is the Clinton Foundation a “Phony Charity”
Hillary Clinton’s run for the presidency has sparked greater interest in the activities of her family’s famous charitable foundation. The interest has uncovered some disquieting information.
For starters, a remarkably tiny share of all the donations to the Clinton Foundation end up financing aid to the needy. A recent accounting indicates that less than 6% goes out as charity. Over 90% funds the lavish travel expenses of the Clintons themselves and a bloated bureaucracy of Clinton family followers and political sycophants. In a well-run reputable charity the normal split is 75% to the needy, 25% to overhead and expenses.
Even the 6% flowing to needy recipients is not an unmixed blessing. The CHAI program to help AIDS victims appears to have distributed adulterated and diluted AIDS drugs to Third World victims. The Foundation has had a long-term relationship with Indian drug manufacturer Ranbaxy despite mounting evidence of persistently poor quality control. Although Ranbaxy’s drugs are now barred from being sold in the US, former President Clinton continues to praise and the foundation to distribute the company’s HIV/AID drugs to patients abroad.
Then there’s the case of Haiti, where the Foundation used 2010’s devastating earthquake to boost its donations. After Hillary promised to “make Haiti better than it was before the quake,” the Foundation’s efforts mostly netted lush construction contracts for a few (including Roger Clinton and Tony Rodham—Hillary’s brother) and amazingly minuscule benefits for Haitians. After promising to create 60,000 “good paying jobs” an estimated 9,000 jobs with an average wage of less than $4 per day have been generated. After promising to build 15,000 homes, fewer than 3,000 have been constructed.
Clinton rebuffed the criticisms as “nitpicking” founded on a “bean counting mentality. I don’t know much about the numbers, so I’m not concerned with how much goes where. In my mind, providing jobs for all the good people who work at the Foundation is a valid use of the funds. In the end it’s what’s in people’s hearts that really matters.”
Obama Says Americans Have to Give Up Freedoms
In his speech at the United Nations President Obama said that “in order to realize the promise of the UN, the US must give up freedoms. As we work toward the dream of a world government we have to realize that compromise is necessary. Much of the world is less free than America. We could stubbornly refuse to budge and try to hold onto our special status. Or we could be more adult and recognize we have to meet the unfree segment halfway.”
“For example, freedom of speech and religion are not as common elsewhere,” Obama pointed out. “We can’t expect to cram our values down the throats of the rest of the world. Likewise, Americans are far wealthier than they have the right to be. The world and its resources are the common inheritance of all humanity. We cannot justify our having more when others have less. A more equitable redistribution is the price we must pay for a unified world.”
Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton echoed Obama’s sentiment, but counseled that “getting there from here won’t be easy. There will be a lot of resistance by Americans grown fat by hogging a disproportionate share of the world’s resources. That’s why I have proposed a universal right to emigrate from anywhere to anywhere. This is something that can be accomplished by executive action once I am president. As the population around the world becomes more homogenized in its values political institutions will be reformed to speed the implementation of social justice everywhere. We will abolish distinctions between rich and poor and empower common people everywhere to attain the equality that our progressive agenda has promised.”
Dems Assail Skittles Analogy
Donald Trump Jr.’s analogy employing a bowl of Skittles sparked outrage among defenders of increased Muslim immigration to the United States. In the analogy, the son of the presidential candidate took on the argument that only a few terrorists would be able to sneak into the country by hiding among the throng of refugees from Syria. Trump asked “suppose I offered you the opportunity to grab a handful of Skittles from a bowl in which just a few were poisoned, would you take them?”
The astoundingly dense Rep. Adam Schiff (D-Calif) called Trump Jr. “a rotten apple that hasn’t fallen very far from the tree. Junior would have everyone believe that children fleeing the war in Syria are like poison candy. We know that the vast majority are not. And even if there are a few dozen terrorists hiding in the mix, well, the number of Americans that might be killed by them is tiny. The chances of being killed in an automobile crash are far higher. If we continue to allow Americans to be exposed to this risk surely the lesser risk of being murdered by a terrorist can be tolerated.”
New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio agreed, saying “instances of genuine Islamic terror are vanishingly rare. As we have seen again this past week, the bigger threat is cops shooting unarmed black men. Until we can find a way of putting a stop to this menace I can’t see the purported urgency of stemming Muslim immigration just to placate xenophobes like Trump. As my good friend Sadiq Khan has urged, we need to adapt and realize that terror attacks are part and parcel of modern urban life.”
Meanwhile, London’s Muslim Mayor Sadiq Khan continued his campaign tour on behalf of Hillary Clinton, telling American voters that “immigrants into the West shouldn’t have to assimilate. The Quran commands the faithful to go forth and claim the world for Allah. Insisting that these immigrants must give up this holy quest and accept western values violates their freedom of religion.”
In related news, the U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services admitted that it mistakenly granted citizenship to more than 800 Muslims slated for deportation as “security risks.” An additional 953 were naturalized despite outstanding deportation orders. Director Leon Rodriguez maintained that “these were honest mistakes that could’ve happened to anyone. On the one hand, we have the statutory law. On the other, we have the President’s ‘special action’ mandate. Charting a proper course between this Scylla and Charybdis is no easy task. Frankly, I’m surprised the errors didn’t amount to thousands or tens of thousands.”
A Satirical Look at Recent News
John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.
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