By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
The Democratic National Committee Chairperson Donna Brazile assailed videos from Project Veritas declaring that “these stolen tapes should not be permitted to be viewed by voters prior to the election. Posing as a Democratic Party intern for the purpose of secretly gathering inside information is just a lowdown dirty trick.
In a testy exchange with Fox News’ Meagan Kelly, the DNC replacement for the previously disgraced Rep. Debbie Wasserman-Schultz, who was forced to resign after leaked emails revealed that she was leading an effort to rig the Democratic nomination process to benefit Hillary Clinton, Brazile attempted to divert attention from the content of the video expose´ by asserting that the manner in which the evidence was obtained “renders it inadmissible” and predicted that “no prosecutor will ever bring charges against the Democratic Party.”
In the videos, Democratic “black ops” officials Scott Foval and Bob Creamer boasted of “paying mentally ill ‘street crazies’” to instigate violence at Trump campaign rallies and carting around bogus voters to cast multiple ballots “in states with weak voter ID laws.” Brazile contended that “the deception and betrayal of trust by Veritas’ phony volunteers goes beyond anything that we have previously seen. Campaign practices that have enjoyed 50 years of success are now threatened with neutralization by O’Keefe’s criminal trespass.”
Brazile also argued that “the emails stolen and published by Wikileaks are, as Secretary Clinton pointed out in the debate, a conspiracy by the Russians and Trump to undermine the November election. These emails were confidential communications. Their misappropriation by a foreign government is evidence of the threat to our democracy that Trump and his co-conspirators represent. No reputable news outlet will participate in repeating these lies to the American public.” She went on to forecast that “after she’s elected, President Clinton will most likely instruct her Attorney General to root out these enemies and put them out of commission.”
Ironically, in one of the leaked emails Brazile lamented “the despair of many Americans over the state of the economy. There are new jobs, but they are low-wage and part-time jobs. The economic stagnation that has hit this country puts President Obama, his policies, and his supporters in the Democratic Party in an extremely unflattering light that does not bode well for how voters may react when casting their ballots.”
In related news, the 69-year-old Sharon Teeter who claimed that Trump supporter 73-year-old Richard Campbell punched her in the face at a rally earlier this year now “remembers” that “he might have brushed me accidentally.” It seems that her memory was enhanced by her identification as a Democratic Party operative on the Veritas video of Foval calling her “one of our trained political activists.”
Administration Promises Saudis it Will “Fix” 9/11 Victims Law
Still smarting from a Congressional override of his veto of the Justice Against Sponsors of Terrorism Act, a law that allows victims of the 9/11 jihadi attack on the World Trade Center and Pentagon the right to sue foreign governments that aided the terrorists, President Obama has ordered Secretary of State John Kerry to work out a scheme with the government of Saudi Arabia to nullify the law.
In a meeting held this week, Kerry assured Saudi Foreign Minister Adel al-Jubeir that “we will figure out how we can adjust the law in a way that is mutually satisfactory to both our governments.”
Al-Jubeir warned that “numerous countries are looking at reciprocal measures to retaliate against this affront to Islam. If the Americans think that the alleged puny assistance my country may or may not have provided to the 9/11 attackers warrants this disproportionate response just let me remind them that there is much much more we could’ve done or might do in the future to make their lives miserable.”
The implied threat that Saudi Arabia might join the ranks of those Islamic nations openly financing terrorists moved Kerry to contend that “a compromise is essential if we are to avert a blood bath we are not prepared to rebuff. The wiser course is to accept the lesser evil of the ‘pin-prick’ attacks that we have seen since 9/11 than to provoke the enmity of our long-time Saudi allies.”
Madonna Makes an Offer
Included in her introduction of comedian Amy Schumer at a New York City performance, pop star Madonna told the audience that “if you vote for Hillary Clinton, I will give you a blow job.” It was not clear whether this was an inducement or a threat.
Audience member Richard Long of Queens found the prospect appealing. “Madonna said she’s not a douche and that she swallows,” Long pointed out. “That’s classy. Hillary’s got my vote.”
In contrast, audience member Anne Chester of Manhattan wondered “whether this is the kind of thing a Clinton supporter ought to be saying. Look at all the trouble Trump got himself into for his lewd talk. I mean, blow jobs from Monica are what got President Clinton impeached. It makes you wonder which side is more tawdry.”
For her part, Schumer saw the offer as “f*cking fantastic” and predicted that “there’ll be a stampede of guys who were going to vote for Trump racing to get in line for their turn to be serviced by a true artist.”
Obamacare in “Transition Phase”
Health insurance premium hikes and dwindling service alternatives under the Affordable Care Act were described by President Obama as “a transition phase of the program.”
“Right now a lot of people are whining about having to pay more or having no choice of doctors or plans where they live,” Obama remarked. “All of these complaints originate from a selfish individual perspective. Sure, some isolated individuals may have to pay more and get less, but in the more crucial issue of our progress toward collective social justice we are on track.”
Before Obamacare, annual family premiums for employer-provided coverage cost an average of $13,000. This year those premiums are $18,000. For next year the already over-priced health plans mandated by the ACA have been authorized to jack up payments the insured must bear by 20% to 90% in various locations around the country. On top of these boosted prices, typical $5,000 annual deductibles result in most basically healthy individuals essentially getting zero benefits.
Meanwhile, the President’s unilateral and unauthorized multi-billion dollar bailouts of selected health insurance companies have not been sufficient to prevent a continued cascade of exits from the market by these companies. The resulting decline of options has been characterized as “a simplification that has spared many the difficult task of evaluating medical services that are really beyond their competence to evaluate,” said Secretary of Health and Human Services Sylvia Burwell. “Few are qualified to to assess what they need and how to get it. By pealing off the excess suppliers the ACA has lightened the burden of choosing for millions.”
Despite the unfavorable trends overtaking the ACA, presidential candidate Hillary Clinton has vowed “to make it better.” One of her proposed improvements is to make illegal aliens eligible for enrollment in the program. “Right now there are 30 million individuals living in the shadows because of their undefined immigration status,” she declared. “Making them eligible for health care is the humane thing to do.” The financial problems will be overcome “by the injection of money” obtained from “increased taxes on those who can afford it.”
In other health news, a Democratic National Committee tour bus was caught illegally dumping human waste from its on-board toilet onto a Lawrenceville, Georgia street this week. The DNC issued an apology for what it claimed was “an honest mistake. We had no idea that dumping hazardous waste onto a street could be illegal.”
Libertarian Bewails “Double Standard”
Libertarian presidential candidate and former New Mexico Governor Gary Johnson complained about the media’s “double standard” after they ignored Hillary Clinton’s geographic inaccuracy regarding Mosul while lampooning him as “an ignorant dope” when he failed to recognize “Aleppo.”
“I wasn’t Secretary of State for four years like Hillary was,” he pointed out. “I was peacefully minding my own business. Why should I be expected to know such minutia? But she is the one who supposed to be the world’s smartest woman. She is the one who never ceases to remind us that she’s got 30 years of experience in government. If she’s so smart and experienced why doesn’t she know where Mosul is?”
MCNBC interviewer Mike Barnicle, who ambushed Johnson with the Aleppo question back in September defended the double standard saying that “Hillary Clinton’s bona fidesare not in dispute. She has already been thoroughly vetted by every major news outlet. We are confident that she knows what she is talking about even if she messes up. Johnson or Trump, on the other hand are the outsiders whose suitability for governing is questioned by every reputable source. Consequently, every misstep by these guys warrants our skepticism.”
In related news, President Obama forgave Hillary for revealing classified information on nuclear response times during her debate with Donald Trump Wednesday night. “These ‘senior moments’ are something that anyone of her age might experience,” he said. “I’m confident there was no intent to illegally divulge this information. Besides, even if our adversaries are aware that it takes four minutes to initiate a retaliatory nuclear strike I don’t see what advantage they’d gain by having that knowledge. So I forgive her and urge voters to make her our next president.”
Hillary “Horrified” by Trump’s Abortion Comments
At this week’s debate, Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton professed herself “horrified” by GOP rival Donald Trump’s denunciation of partial-birth abortions as “ripping babies out of the womb” and criticizing the practice as “terrible” and “unacceptable.”
“Granted, the elimination of these near term fetuses is a gruesome procedure,” she admitted. “But what’s more gruesome is Trump’s attempt to use these tragic medical interventions as a scare tactic to overturn the rights established by Roe v. Wade. For too long state legislatures across the country unfairly prohibited or restricted a woman’s right to an abortion. Fortunately, in 1973 the Supreme Court courageously stepped in to overrule these states. They didn’t let rigid adherence to out-dated notions of separation of powers deter them from voiding clearly unjust legislation.”
Trump found fault with Clinton’s position and averred that “the role of the Court is to enforce the Constitution and laws made legislatures. It is not authorized to make new laws if it is dissatisfied with what the people’s elected representatives have done.” Trump pledged that he would appoint judges who “will be pro-life,” “have a conservative bent,” and “interpret the constitution the way the founders wanted it interpreted.”
Clinton rebutted Trump’s position by pointing out that “the number of individuals harmed by partial-birth abortions is tiny compared to the millions of women who have benefited from the Court’s reinterpretation. Rather than try to rehash this issue it is time that we all adjust to the fact that the right to an abortion is now settled law and move forward instead of backward.”
In related debate news, Hillary defended using her role as Secretary of State to enrich herself, her husband, and the Clinton Foundation, insisting that “everything I did as secretary of state was in furtherance of our country’s interests and our values. That I and my family have prospered while I was doing that is what I would call ‘collateral benefits.’ I see no harm that it was a ‘win-win’ outcome.”
Media Assails Trump’s “Wait and See” Stance on Election
The broadcast news “talking heads” went into hysterics following Republican presidential contender Donald Trump’s refusal to automatically concede on election night if it looks like the votes go against him. On CNN, the commentators proclaimed Trump’s stance “a threat to our democracy.” All professed to have never heard such a statement at any previous presidential debate. Which is true because no other candidate was ever asked this question.
Whether Trump might have good reason to wait until he sees the election results for himself seems to be supported by several facts. On the one hand, there have been a number of pieces of evidence suggesting that fraud may play a significant role in deciding the outcome. The Wikileaks’ publication of DNC emails that detailed how the Democratic Party leadership rigged the primaries against Bernie Sanders is a veritable “smoking gun” from the current election cycle. The Veritas videos exposing DNC-financed efforts to commit fraud also make a compelling case for scrutinizing the returns.
On the other hand, there seems to be an ample opportunity to perpetrate fraud given the large number of invalid names on voter rolls. Nearly two million deceased persons are still registered to vote. Nearly three million persons are registered to vote in more than one state. Then there’s Clinton campaign chairman John Podesta’s suggestion that non-citizens could use state-issued driver’s licenses to register and vote. And leftist judges have voided state efforts to adopt voter ID requirements virtually everywhere except Indiana, where Democratic dirty tricks expert Scott Foval says “it’s easy to cheat.”
The same media that castigates Trump’s reluctance to simply accept the November media-reported outcome as final hypocritically defended 2000 Democratic presidential candidate Vice-President Al Gore’s refusal to accept the reported outcome on election day. Instead, he embarked on a legal challenge that took over a month to resolve.
President Obama tried to put it all into perspective by characterizing Trump’s objections as “whining. Nothing different is going on now. Every other Republican has accepted the verdict on election day, even though GOP complaints about election shenanigans have always been part of the rhetoric. His inability to take it like a man is further proof of his unfitness. I’m not surprised that genuine Republicans have universally condemned Trump’s caterwauling and sought to distance themselves from him.”
Whether Obama should have any credibility on this issue is in serious doubt. Bob Creamer, one of the architects of the long-running election fraud scheme uncovered by Project Veritas, visited the Obama White House more than 300 times and met with the President more than 40 times. However, Press Secretary Josh Earnest discounted the significance of these meetings because “the President is not the kind of person who would condone the kind of ‘dirty tricks’ of which Mr. Creamer is accused.”
In related news, Ohio Governor John Kasich (R) called Trump’s fear that the election could be rigged “ridiculous. My good friend George Soros’ company owns about half of the voting machines that will be used and he assures me that the election will be fair.”
A Satirical Look at Recent News
John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.
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