Senator Desperate to Pass ‘Lame Duck’ Bills

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnSen. Lindsay Graham (R-SC) has joined with Sen. John McCain (R-Az) to modify the recently passed Justice Against Sponsors of Terror Act (JASTA). This law allows victims of terrorist attacks to sue the governments that provide funding and sanctuary to terrorists.

Graham is concerned that “the existing law can come back to bite us. When Congress overrode President Obama’s veto they were thinking ‘let’s make these Muslim governments pay for the damages done by the groups they harbor.’ What was overlooked was the possibility that our own government would be made liable for damage done by terrorists armed by the Obama Administration. Ambassador Stevens, for example, was killed by weapons our country supplied to Libyan terror groups. If the families of those killed in the Benghazi attack sued our own government the embarrassment and damage to our prestige would be incalculable.”

“Haste in amending JASTA is essential,” Graham urged. “If we don’t get this passed before President Obama leaves office we’ll have no chance to achieve the needed reform. A President Trump would surely veto such a change. A President Obama, who didn’t want JASTA to begin with, will readily sign an amendment limiting its scope.”

In a second legislative endeavor, Graham joined with Sen. Dick Durbin (D-Ill) to draft a bill that would bar Trump from deporting some of those in the country illegally. “This bill is necessary because all that currently protects these people from being deported is an Executive Order issued by President Obama,” Graham pointed out. “That Executive Order can be countermanded by Trump on his own initiative without the consent of Congress. Rule by a unilateral Executive Order from a President Trump without Congressional consent would be dictatorial. This is something we must not allow to happen.”

Obama to Admit Refugees Barred from Entering Australia

The Obama Administration has agreed to admit nearly 2500 refugees that the Australian government has refused to allow into their country for “security reasons.” The refugees are from terrorism “hot spots” and have been excluded for failing to clear the country’s vetting process.

Sen. Chuck Grassley (R-Iowa) and Rep. Bob Goodlatte (R-Va) have complained about the lack of transparency in the President’s actions. “In a matter having obvious security implications the President is obliged to consult Congress before agreeing to bring potentially dangerous individuals into the United States,” Grassley contended. “The fact that these men were not deemed a good risk by Australia raises a red flag we ought to heed.”

“What Senator Grassley and Congressman Goodlatte are overlooking is that, almost to a man, these refugees are Muslim,” President Obama observed. “For us not to admit them would essentially be a decision wrought with implications of religious discrimination. Their rejection by Australia makes it even more imperative that we offer them the refuge promised on our Statue of Liberty. The chance that a few of these men may go on to wage jihad against our citizens is the price we have to pay as a free nation.”

President-Elect Donald Trump challenged Obama’s contention and insisted “these are the type of people who must not be allowed into our country. The pledge on the Statue of Liberty is meant to allow people who believe in freedom to come to America. Islamic terrorists are enemies of freedom who kill and destroy for the purpose of replacing freedom with religious tyranny.”

Obama brushed aside the President-Elect’s objections, saying that “by the time he is in a position to influence immigration policy these men will be secretly distributed to undisclosed locations inside the country. He won’t be able to find them, much less have any hope of getting them out of America.”

In related news, the government was forced to suspend citizenship naturalization ceremonies after it became public that the FBI background check system hasn’t been working for an undisclosed period of time. Governor Jerry Brown (D-Calif) invited those seeking naturalization to “come to California. We will give you documents that will enable you to exercise all of the privileges of citizenship, including voting, in our state.”

EEOC Announces New Workplace Regs

The Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC) announced new workplace regulations requiring employers to accommodate the languages spoken by prospective hires and current employees or “face sanctions including fines and/or revocation of permission to operate.” Oddly, the EEOC cited “the growing diversity of the nation’s workforce as the justification for the new rule.”

Under the new regulations requiring employees to speak or understand English is now deemed unlawful discrimination. “Employees have the right to communicate in a language of their own choosing,” EEOC Chairperson Jenny Yang argued. “It is the employer’s responsibility to learn the language of his employees or hire an interpreter if he can’t.”

The “Tower of Babel” implications of the new regulation didn’t faze Yang. “A polyglot environment is a vibrant environment,” she contended. “The opportunity for employers and employees to be exposed the cultural enrichment from such an environment is too good to pass up.”

Yang disputed critics fears that a “polyglot environment” might not contribute to business efficiency or success, saying that “immersion is a good way to learn a new language. Employers will find their horizons broadened in ways they didn’t think was possible. If they aren’t adept with languages their need to hire translators will stimulate employment by creating jobs.”

In addition to barring employers from requiring employees to understand English, the EEOC also barred requiring Social Security numbers as this “would present an insurmountable obstacle to those in the country illegally. The Administration has determined that immigration status cannot be used as a factor to exclude those without documentation from being hired.” Yang declared employers’ need for SSNs in order to comply with IRS tax collection regulations “not our problem.”

California’s Brave New World

While the most of the country has voted to veer away from the transformation of America spearheaded by President Obama, California has vowed to stay the course, at least on the environmental front.

In terms of air quality, the state has enacted new regulations to limit how much methane gas cows are allowed to emit while farting. California Air Resources Board science adviser Ryan McCarthy called the attempt “truly ambitious. No one really knows how we’re going to get this done. The State Assembly deserves credit for taking on a task that may well be impossible.”

“The obvious first response would be to change the cows’ diet to something less gassy,” McCarthy said. “But cows are evolved and have been bred to eat a high-fiber diet that may be inextricably linked to gassy emissions. Whether it is feasible in an economic or biological sense to shift them to different foods is unknown. Yogurt is a food that may help reduce gas, but trying to feed cows yogurt would create a circular conundrum. Clearly, we face a mountain of challenges if we are to achieve our objective.”

“A second response would be to design a system of capturing the emissions before they enter the air,” McCarthy added. “Attaining an effective seal strikes me as a major difficulty, as would separating out the solids from the gases. If we can recover the methane it could be used to power electric generators. This could offset some of the cost of the program.”

Meanwhile, judicial authorities in San Francisco have voided the City’s law against excreting in the streets. Judge John Stewart declared that “the ordinance against this is basically unenforceable. The penalty is a fine that the indigents living on the streets can’t afford to pay. It is also discriminatory against the homeless. Just because a person can’t afford rent doesn’t mean his bodily needs are negated. Until such a time that the City provides free housing with toilets for every resident it must endure public evacuation of the bladders and bowels of the less fortunate.”

DOJ Declines to Investigate Intimidation Against Trump Electors

Despite numerous reports of harassment and death threats against electors pledged to vote for Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump when the Electoral College meets on December 19, the US Department of Justice, thus far, has declined to take any action. DOJ deputy press secretary David Jacobs cast the issue as “not yet ripe enough.”

“From what we have heard these electors have been called names and warned they could be harmed if they don’t switch their vote to Secretary Clinton,” Jacobs recounted. “Name calling is protected freedom of speech. Just weeks ago the two leading candidates were calling each other ‘racist’ and ‘crooked.’ Given such vituperation at the top it shouldn’t surprise anyone that the backers of the loser would vent in the way they have. In our view, bad-mouthing a few electors is better than rioting in the streets.”

“As for the death threats, without actual casualties it is difficult to determine their seriousness,” Jacobs continued. “Historically, it has been minorities that have been lynched for voting the wrong way—that is, against the white racists that controlled Jim Crow governments across the South. So far, none of the Trump electors have been lynched and none of the Trump supporters that have been beaten in the streets has been seriously injured. Unless this changes, the Attorney General sees no reason to get the Department involved.”

Ironically, the Jim Crow Era crimes cited by Jacobs were carried out by Democrats in support of racist governments run by Democrats. Given the widespread insanity emanating from the supporters of the defeated Hillary Clinton, it is impossible to rule out the possibility that the lack of casualties can be taken as a lamentation for a loss of passion among the Party faithful compared to times past.

Left Mourns Passing of Castro

This week, long-time Cuban dictator Fidel Castro died at the age of 90. He violently took over the government of Cuba in 1959 and ruled it with an iron fist for 50 years until his retirement in 2011. His 85-year-old brother Raul has governed the island the last five years.

Fidel’s rule began with mass executions of opponents by firing squad for the entertainment of cheering crowds at the Havana soccer stadium. Enemies who weren’t murdered were thrown into filthy prisons where they were tortured and abused. The vast majority of Cubans lived lives of abject poverty and oppression. Over a million of them escaped by floating to the United States, many on make-shift rafts.

President Obama called Castro “a man who has had an enormous impact on the people around him.”

Pope Francis called Castro’s death “sad news.”

Former President Jimmy Carter said he and his wife “remember fondly our visits with him in Cuba. He called me a friend.”

Green Party presidential candidate Jill Stein praised him as “a symbol of the struggle for justice.”

Black Lives Matter issued a statement hailing Castro as “an inspiration for people seeking freedom and peace.”

In contrast, thousands of surviving escapees and their descendants living in the “Little Havana” section of Miami danced in the streets.

On the right, President-Elect Donald Trump excoriated “Fidel Castro’s legacy of firing squads, theft, unimaginable suffering, poverty and the denial of fundamental human rights” and pledged to roll back the Obama administration’s opening to Cuba unless his successors “move away from the horrors endured for too long, and toward a future in which the wonderful Cuban people finally live in the freedom they so richly deserve.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

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