By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
On-Board a JetBlue plane at JFK Airport in New York City for a planned family vacation in Hawaii, Donald Trump’s eldest daughter Ivanka was accosted by another passenger Dan Goldstein, a Brooklyn lawyer. Goldstein’s harangue charged Donald Trump with “ruining the country” and Ivanka with “ruining our flight.” The “our” referred to his husband Matthew Lasner and their son.
Goldstein contended that “people like Trump and his ‘spawn’ have no business inserting themselves among those who don’t want them anywhere near us. She and her kids are a terrifying reminder that the Trump pall could plague the country for generations. They could have flown on their father’s private jet and spared the rest of us the trauma.”
Goldstein and his family were escorted off the flight by JetBlue security officials. “Given Mr. Goldstein’s insistence that Ms. Trump’s mere presence on the same aircraft would ruin his flight we had to save him from what he characterized as ‘trauma,’” said company spokesperson Sandra Sober. “At JetBlue we strive to meet our customers’ needs. Obviously, we couldn’t eject Ms. Trump just to mollify an agitated fellow passenger. She was peacefully minding her own business and even asked that we not make this into a ‘thing.’ However, the fact that Mr. Goldstein was visibly shaking we felt his mental health would be best served if we got him another flight.”
Goldstein took his removal in stride, asserting that “I accomplished my mission to show the Trumps that we average Americans will not submit to their tyranny. If my example inspires others to stand up to them perhaps the Trumps won’t be so eager to show their faces in public.”
In related news, a group of New York artists calling themselves the “Halt Action Group” demanded that Ivanka Trump take down the paintings she purchased from them to adorn her apartment. The demand followed her failure to separate herself from “the racism, anti-Semitism, misogyny, and homophobia your father has inflicted on this country.” HAG has been conducting demonstrations outside Ivanka’s family residence since late November. Philadelphia artist Alex Da Corte rejected the fact that Ms. Trump paid for the art, saying that “a mere exchange of money does not transfer ownership. Art always belongs to its creator. Others merely rent it subject to the approval of the creator.”
France to Prosecute Historian for “Hate Speech”
Morocco-born French-Jewish scholar Georges Bensoussan has been ordered to appear before a Paris court to answer criminal charges levied against him by the Collective Against Islamophobia in France. The allegation is that Bensoussan’s writings on the history of anti-Semitism in lands governed by Muslims “incites racial hatred.”
CAIF spokesman Massakir Heebes declared that “the attempt to promulgate anti-Muslim hatred under the guise of scholarship must not be permitted. The contention that the mistreatment of Jews depicted by Bensoussan is a historical fact is irrelevant. The Quran commands the oppression of unbelievers who pay the jizya and the slaying of those who refuse. Criticism of these religious obligations by those who are not Muslim are unacceptable. If the French courts won’t punish these offenders Muslims will be compelled to do so.”
Three prominent French writers and historians—Jacques Tarnero, Yves Ternon and Michel Zaoui—called the complaint against Bensoussan “scandalous. It is just more Islamist intimidation that confirms the essential truth of Professor Bensoussan’s work. Our nation is at a crucial crossroad. we must either defend liberal freedom of expression or be swallowed up in the barbaric prejudice of an intolerant cult.”
Berlin Terror Attack Inspires Action
Last Monday’s assault by semi-truck that killed a dozen Christmas shoppers at an outdoor market in Berlin has inspired European governments to swoop into action.
In Germany, the Merkel regime is desperately denying that the country’s open-borders policy toward Islamic immigration, including a conscious policy of converting many refugees into truck drivers by easing licensing requirements, might be an enabling factor in the spate of social outrages, rising crime rate, and now mass murder by lone wolf jihadi Anus Amri at the Berlin market.
Chancellor Angela Merkel attributed the offenses committed by Muslim refugees to “widespread Islamophobia among Germans unused to the different customs of our new residents. German women who neglect to cover their faces and go out in public unescorted are viewed as whores by the Quran. Muslim men who innocently try to solicit their services may elicit a negative response that stimulates their libidos. Also, our refusal to pay an adequate amount of jizya taxes to support the umma is an affront to their faith. The accumulation of our insults and disrespect is the root cause of the tragedy that has befallen our country. This is what we have to fix if we are to have any peace going forward.”
Bristol, England has increased police patrols in order to crack down on Islamophobia. Area commander for Bristol, Chief Superintendent Jon Reilly, said “the potential for retaliatory hate crimes against Muslims is our main concern. The momentary pain caused by being run over by a truck pales in comparison with the lingering dread suffered by Muslims fearing a counterattack from unbelievers. The psychological torment of never knowing when someone may look askance or mutter an inaudible derogatory comment has to be terrifying.”
“The fact that many so-called anti-Muslim hate crimes turn out to be hoaxes is, I think, further proof of how our intolerant society is driving these immigrants to imagine threats that could be real if they were carried out,” Reilly asserted. “Maybe the increased visibility of our anti-Islamophobia effort will reassure these immigrants that the government is on their side and channel them into prosecuting those who offend them in our courts.”
In Sweden, Anna Carlstedt, coordinator against violent extremism at the Civil Contingencies Agency went on Swedish Radio and blamed “white power” for the atrocities committed by Muslim refugees. “Everywhere these refugees look they see white people in charge,” Carlstedt observed. “If our power structure were more diverse perhaps they wouldn’t feel as threatened and wouldn’t lash out as much.”
In related news, less than 3 percent of the million Muslim refugees admitted into Germany have jobs, dashing the Merkel government’s expectations that “the more fecund newcomers would support the pensions of our aging native population.” The possibility that the final solution to the fiscal abyss posed by the government owing more to pensioners than can be paid might be through the massacre of non-Muslims as prescribed in the Quran is said to be discomfiting government planners.
40 Percent of Young Adults Living with Parents/Grandparents
The number of millennials who have not moved out of their parents or grandparents homes has climbed to a 75-year high of 40 percent. The high-water mark for young people “failing to launch” was set during the Great Depression. Its duplication after eight years of Obama Administration policies is seen by some as a poor legacy for the outgoing chief executive.
One who doesn’t see it that way is President Obama. “The Republicans do a lot of talking about family values, but it has been my policies that have brought succeeding generations under the same roof,” he boasted. “The whole notion that children should go out on their own is an American deviation from our species’ early roots. In the less developed parts of the world it is common for multiple generations to live in the same one-room dwelling. This seems more natural to me and is a goal we need to work toward both for the sake of the family and the ecosystem.”
“A key contributor to this salutary development has been our conversion of the workforce from 40-hour-a-week wage-slavery to part-time temporary ‘gig’ style jobs,” Obama added. “Nearly 95 percent of the new jobs created over the last eight years have fit this new model. It’s been a mutually reinforcing transformation. The income from a part-time job is usually insufficient to support an independent lifestyle. The lower demands on these employees’ time allows them to engage in more leisure activities if they can live with their parents. It’s a win-win scenario.”
The president expressed hope that his last-minute binge of regulatory actions imposing more costly regulations on businesses would “thwart Trump from imposing his workaholic vision on America. In my view, the new generation of Americans doesn’t want or need full-time jobs in order to live in harmony with the Earth. If Trump succeeds in forcing more people to live independently by giving up the leisure I’ve built into the system I believe voters will turn against him and return Democrats to power in the next election.”
Meanwhile, the First Family is in Hawaii enjoying what will likely be their last jaunt on the taxpayers’ dime. The current 16-day trip is estimated to cost more than four million dollars. This brings their eight-year total to a record-setting $85 million. Of course, millennials forced to live with their parents because they can only get part-time jobs are spared the ecologically harmful impacts of even a modest Hawaii vacation.
Actress Recants Abortion Wish
After expressing regrets that she had never had the opportunity to get an abortion, Lena Dunham, actress and producer of the pornographic HBO show “Girls,” recanted, saying that “while the experience of getting an abortion seemed magical, it dawned on me that a prerequisite would have to be having sex with a man or having some guy’s icky ‘juice’ squirted into me at a clinic. In retrospect, I realized that this would be too high of a price to pay for me to join the ranks of the brave women who have undergone this life-defining procedure.
A Satirical Look at Recent News
John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.
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