By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
Special Counsel Robert Mueller is now probing what he called “a suspicious pattern of donations flowing in to fund President Trump’s inaugural celebration. Donors from Russia, Saudi Arabia, the United Arab Emirates and Qatar raises serious ‘red flags’ from our point of view. Under normal circumstances this is money that would more typically find its way to the Clinton Foundation or Obama for America.”
“What we need to know is why these formerly reliable donors to elements of the Democratic Party and its affiliates would suddenly switch to sharing the cost of the inauguration of a Republican president,” Mueller said. “Was there some sort of covert agreement for granting access or favors? At the very least it fails to pass the FBI’s ‘smell test.’”
“On top of this, there is negative impact of diverting funds that are needed to support Democratic causes,” Mueller added. “With less coming in from these traditional sources there will be less money to support the extensive workforce of the progressive side of our political system. Combined with their lessened access to public monies than when President Obama controlled who got federal aid, the very viability of these organizations is imperiled. Clearly we have a prima facie case of political bias and malevolence on the part of the Trump Administration. We don’t yet know if this will be the ‘smoking gun’ that brings down the most unqualified man to hold the presidency, but we’re duty-bound to follow this trail to wherever it leads.”
Rep. Maxine Waters (D-Calif) urged Mueller “to sniff out this ‘highway robbery’ of money that rightfully belongs to Democrats like the ‘bulldog’ his career record says he is. He’s got Trump on the run and I can’t wait to see him sink his teeth into his pasty white flesh. It will give Trump a taste of what slaves had to endure when they tried to escape from the plantation.”
In a related case of diverting money from progressives to their right-wing oppressors, the Washington Post slammed FOX News’ Sean Hannity for evicting tenants who fail to pay rent. “Mr. Hannity is a millionaire several times over,” the Post observed. “His need for the rent isn’t as great as his tenants need for a roof over their heads. His insistence on being paid illustrates the inherent cruelty of the private property system he exploits. Thankfully, many leading Democrats are coming around to the idea that the government should control all economic resources so this kind of social injustice can be averted in the future.”
FBI “Mole” Inside Trump Campaign Justified
With Congress on the verge of holding the US Department of Justice and the FBI in contempt for repeated refusals to provide unredacted documents related to the Agency’s efforts to spy on the Republican presidential campaign and Administration, Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein ardently defended the action.
“Unredacting these documents would permit members of Congress to discover the methods and the identities of Agency personnel and outside parties who participated in this vital operation,” Rosenstein alleged. “This would have a ‘chilling’ effect on future operations of a similar nature and, as such, would pose a severe limitation on our power to protect this country from being taken over by hostile forces.”
“Since the executive branch is currently controlled by what most experienced government personnel regard as a hostile force, it essential that the information requested by Congress remain secret,” the Deputy asserted. “Let me remind everyone that the danger to our government is so severe that a Special Counsel was expressly appointed by me as a last gasp effort to undo the error made by voters in 2016. It would make no sense for me to uncloak the documents requested by Congress just when the Special Counsel is closing in on the usurper-in-chief. I am only carrying out the responsibilities handed to me by Attorney General Sessions when he so judiciously recused himself from the investigation more than a year ago.”
In related news, former FBI Director James Comey claims that he is immune from prosecution for lying under oath to Congress because “Special Prosecutor Mueller granted me immunity. The lies I told were part of a ‘sting’ operation and, as such, are protected under normal FBI protocols. I know some members of Congress are all huffy about it, but a higher loyalty required it and I would do it again to protect the Agency and America.”
Leading Dems Take Aim at Right-to-Work Laws
Aiming to bolster their credentials among the leftist lunatics that now control the Democratic Party, projected 2020 presidential candidates Sens. Bernie Sanders (Vt), Kirsten Gillibrand (NY), Elizabeth Warren (Mass) and Cory Booker (NJ) have jointly drafted legislation that would prohibit states from enacting right-to-work laws.
“Allowing states to pass so-called right-to-work laws tramples the right of unions to fulfill their role as representatives of the working class,” Sanders maintained. “This stifles their ability to lead workers toward the overthrow of the capitalist system as Marx predicted in the Communist Manifesto and as the Russian Revolution of 1917 proved could be done. The 1947 Taft-Hartley Act granting states the option to decide for themselves whether to allow workers to hold jobs without being compelled to join a union dramatically interfered with America’s progress toward Marx’s vision of a worker’s paradise. Our Bill—the Workplace Democracy Act—will put this country back on the track of ensuring social justice for the proletariat.”
A key provision of the Bill is the elimination of votes by employees on whether they want union representation. Booker explained that “these elections merely grant employers an unwarranted opportunity to campaign against unionization. The question is whether the workers want to be unionized. In place of elections, union organizers will be free to persuade employees to sign a petition in favor of unionization without fear of contradiction by management’s self-serving propaganda.”
Warren touted the Bill’s repeal of rules that bar unions from using compulsory dues to back political candidates, saying that “this infringement on unions’ freedom of speech has hampered them from attaining the kind of political power needed to truly reform our system of government. The current rules restricting the use of these dues to support collective bargaining with the employer for higher wages and better working conditions basically neuters unions as advocates and agitators for social revolution and social justice. Dissenters from the union’s political goals should not be permitted to withhold their dues from these progressive activities.”
While the potential Democratic presidential candidates are promising to give unions more power over employees, aspiring House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) is promising to repeal the tax cut passed by Congress in December. “We’re particularly concerned that the Trump tax cut only benefits those who work or invest,” she complained. “It provides nothing for those dependent on government for their daily bread. Even worse, with taxpayers paying less the government’s ability to pay for this bread is endangered. That’s one of the reasons why we’re seeing record low unemployment rates. More people are being forced into the workplace just to support themselves. This is devastating our economy and destroying a traditional way of life for millions of Americans and immigrants.”
Meanwhile, the California State Assembly is currently debating whether to drop Presidents’ Day as a state holiday and replace it with International Socialist Workers Day.
Euroweenies Complain About Trump’s Iran Deal Pullout
German Chancellor Angela Merkel and French President Emmanuel Macron decried President Trump’s decision to cancel the United States’ participation in the Iran deal negotiated by former Secretary of State John Kerry during the Obama Administration.
“For more than 70 years we’ve counted on the United States to protect us from hostile powers,” Merkel said. “President Obama gave us his word that the US would protect us from Iran. Now Trump has ripped up the piece of paper that ensured Iran won’t develop nuclear weapons until it suits them. All the money the US paid Iran to get this agreement is now down the drain.”
Macron says he sees “a parallel with FDR’s refusal to participate in the Munich accord with Germany in 1938. If Hitler had known that America was part of a solid front he never would’ve dared start World War II. Now that the solid front we had facing Iran is gone I shudder to think of the horrors to come.”
Macron also derided Trump’s expectation that Europe should provide for its own defense “as unrealistic. Unlike Americans, we are not violent by nature. We couldn’t defend ourselves in 1940. And that was before we became accustomed to the security provided by American troops on our continent and American nuclear missiles aimed at the Soviet Union.”
The two leaders are reportedly exploring a possible accommodation with Iran. “I think if we can work out a deal that preserves a Frenchman’s right to drink wine and a German’s right to drink beer we can grow beards and pray five times a day,” Macron speculated. “At least the praying will give our citizens more time off from working while we kneel and bow our heads to Allah.”
Merkel suggested that “our substantial and growing refugee population may also serve as a sort of human shield against attack. I can’t really believe that Iran would be willing to kill so many fellow Muslims just to have a shot at killing more Europeans. That may be our ultimate trump card.”
In related news, Sen. Charles Schumer (D-NY) bemoaned the recent release of three Americans held hostage by North Korea. “Having American hostages was a key bargaining chip for Kim Jong-un,” Schumer lamented. “Surrendering these chips without compensation gives aid and comfort to our country’s most dangerous enemy—Donald Trump. I can’t believe that Kim would betray the progressive cause so casually. I think it’s a mistake that could have massive repercussions down the road.”
McCain’s Proudest Accomplishments
Nearing the end of his life, Sen. John McCain wants Americans to know that he deems his proudest accomplishment was “my loss to Barrack Obama in the 2008 election. At the time I didn’t appreciate it, but in hindsight my role stands out as a key turning point in US history.”
“Had I won that election it would’ve been an unremarkable repeat of something that had already happened several times in previous presidential elections—a white war hero wins,” the Senator observed. “But by bungling my campaign—suspending it in late September so I could focus on the economic crisis and muzzling my charismatic running mate—I effectively handed the job to a man who will go down as the greatest person to ever hold the office.”
“My second proudest moment was when I cast the decisive vote in preventing the Senate from repealing Obamacare,” he added. “My hope is that preserving government’s role in mandating the type and quantity of medical insurance everyone must buy we keep the country on the road toward the kind of comprehensive system only available to veterans in this country and in the more enlightened European countries—like the enveloping and tireless care the United Kingdom’s National Health Service provided Alfie Evans right up to the day he died.”
In related news, The View co-host Whoopi Goldberg contends that “I don’t think anybody in their right mind can point to anything that Trump supposedly has done to benefit African-Americans. To say that he has is what I call ‘The Big Lie.’” Goldberg brushed off statistics indicating that Black unemployment hit a record low last month, saying “Blacks had full employment during slavery. Making Black folks work is a step backward. Now, if Trump had put more white people to work to pay reparations to Black folks like Obama did, then we could respect him.”
CNN to Limit Live Coverage of Trump in 2020
In the event that President Trump runs for reelection in 2020, CNN has vowed to severely limit any live coverage. CNN anchor Don Lemon explained that “the Network feels that our viewers need to be protected from prolonged and unfiltered exposure to Trump’s lies and insults. We recognized that the type of coverage we gave him during 2016 allowed him unfettered access to suggestible voters and may have made the margin of difference needed for him to win over Secretary Clinton.”
“By using taped and delayed excerpts instead of live coverage we feel more confident that we can better project the image that Trump is a racist and fascist,” Lemon said. “The abbreviated snippets of Trump’s words we air followed by lengthy analyses by our CNN panel of experts will portray him as he truly is far better than listening to his disjointed ramblings. This is what the American people demand and need.”
In related news, the editors of New York magazine announced that it will no longer be publishing any articles with a conservative viewpoint. “Socialism is the only legitimate ideology,” they wrote. “It makes no sense to try to deny it and foist off the discredited views of the right as somehow entitled to play a role in shaping the nation’s future.”
A Satirical Look at Recent News
John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.
Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.