Gore Says Bitter Cold Confirms Global Warming
Former Vice-President Al Gore confidently brushed aside the possibility that this past week’s bitter cold across much of North America might indicate that the global warming he has profitably been hyping for the last 15-plus years could be mistaken.
“The theory of global warming, or climate crisis as I now like to call it, postulates that any change in the weather merely confirms the global warming hypothesis,” Gore declared. “The most important action anyone can take at this time is to continue to buy copies of my books and movies explaining how it all fits together.”
Meanwhile, observations of solar output show a pattern of decreasing heat reaching Earth from the sun. Many climate scientists are predicting that a global cooling trend for the next several decades seems more likely than a continuation of the warming trend Gore has been warning must be addressed by massive government regulations aimed at “lowering the excessively indulgent lifestyles enjoyed by Americans.” Strangely, despite railing against the general public’s bad behavior, Gore’s own lifestyle is far more indulgent than that of average American consumers who possess neither energy-guzzling palatial estates nor their own personal jet aircraft.
Trump Named Top Enemy of Press
The Committee to Protect Journalists (CPJ) named Donald Trump the “top global press oppressor.” The award was considered an upset win. Regimes like China where journalists are jailed for criticizing the government, Turkey, which has surpassed China as the world’s biggest jailer of journalists, and Russia where reporters frequently are murdered are expected to lodge protests.
Turkish Prime Minister Tayyip Erdogan complained “we have worked very hard to be the best oppressors. We have more reporters in prison than any other country. I could understand being edged out by Russia or China with their lengthy pedigrees for dealing with nettlesome journalists, but the United States? The biggest accomplishment I’m aware of was Obama’s spying on journalists. That’s NOTHING! The Committee is showing unfair favoritism.”
CPJ Executive Director Joel Simon defended the organization’s selection of Trump, arguing that “no other tyrant has done more to undermine our credibility. In fact, it could be argued that jailing or killing reporters martyrs them and enhances the media’s credibility. But Trump’s tagging us with the ‘fake news’ label has caused more damage than any other regime has ever achieved.”
Fidel Castro Jr. Commits Suicide, Trump Blamed
This week, the 68-year-old son of the late Cuban dictator Fidel Castro committed suicide. Though communism enabled his famous father to amass a billion dollar personal fortune, “Fidelito” was said by friends to have become depressed upon realizing “that Yankee bastard is right. My country is a sh*thole.”
Long-time compadre, Vacio Cabeza professed himself “mystified. He wanted for nothing. We lived like kings. Admittedly, life is kind of tough for the average Cuban, but what does that matter to men like us? Why should we care what Trump said about Cuba?”
Chicago ID Card Will Allow Illegals to Vote
In a bid to “harness the political potential of adding hundreds of thousands of new Democratic voters,” the City of Chicago has authorized government-issued photo ID cards for all residents, including “undocumented persons” in the country illegally.
State Board of Elections spokesman Matt Dietrich said “the determination of who will be allowed to vote will be in the hands of local election authorities. There is no state law requiring proof of citizenship in order to register to vote. All you have to do is check a box on the voter registration form that says ‘yes, I am a citizen.’”
Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel called the card “an ingenious counter to the Trump Administration’s efforts to deny voting rights to immigrants, the homeless and those recently released from prison. There are 109 different local election authorities in Illinois. There’s no way his federal goons can keep track of what all of these dispersed centers of election registrations are doing. Between this ID card and our sanctuary city policy I’m hopeful that we will make it impossible for any Republican to win any elective office in the state.”
Progressives Stunned by Firearms Poll Answer
In a poll conducted for NBC and the Wall Street Journal, 58% of respondents agreed that “gun ownership does more to increase safety by allowing law-abiding citizens to protect themselves.” On the other side, 38% agreed that “gun ownership reduces safety by giving too many people access to firearms.” These results are a significant reversal of responses from 19 years ago when 52% felt that increased gun ownership reduced safety.
Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel called this shift in favor of gun ownership “dismaying. Considering the carnage taking place on our city streets on a daily basis, I think it’s clear that the gun controls we have put in place are insufficient. We need sterner measures to ensure that those with bad intent cannot get their hands on firearms.”
Putin Complains about Demonization of Stalin
Russian President Vladimir Putin denounced what he labeled “the excessive demonization of former Soviet dictator Josef Stalin. His methods may have been harsh by Western standards, but few can quibble with the results.” These “results” included the deaths of 15 million to 30 million Soviet citizens through executions, labor camps, avoidable famines and making the treaty with Nazi Germany that unleashed WW II.
“Few critics take into account the poverty and backwardness of the country Stalin inherited,” Putin contended. “Bringing the Soviet Union into the modern era required sacrifices. The millions who died in the Gulag would have died eventually, regardless. Their labors helped make the Soviet Union into a superpower. We should not discount that accomplishment.”
Schumer Opposes “Taxpayers Right to Know Act”
The “Taxpayers Right to Know Act” has been passed several times by the US House of Representatives, but has been unable to get to a vote in the Senate due to the 60-vote requirement to end filibusters against it. The Bill would require federal agencies to report on how much programs cost and how effective they have been.
While the Bill, sponsored by Sens. James Lankford (R-Okla) and Claire McCaskill, (D-Mo), has bipartisan support, Sen. Charles Schumer (D-NY) vowed to block the legislation calling it “unfeasible and unfair. Look, our government has grown too big to be accurately measured in any way. Expenditures in the billions and trillions are beyond the capacity of voters to absorb. Whether they have been effective or not is a judgment call best left to the hardworking government employees who manage these programs.”
DNC Vice-Chairman Says Prison Bible Studies “Poaching Our Voters”
Democratic National Committee Vice-Chairman Rep. Keith Ellison (D-Minn) called Republican efforts to encourage prison inmates to participate in Bible studies “an attempt to poach voters who rightly ought to be supporting Democrats.”
“While the Bible studies message is not overtly political it conveys values that implicitly support the GOP agenda,” Ellison contended. “Take the admonition ‘thou shalt not steal.’ This insinuates a personal right to property that runs counter to our Party’s belief that property ought to redistributed more fairly. I mean, a lot of guys are in jail because they tried to implement a redistribution on their own initiative. We don’t want them to be contrite for their unsanctioned redistribution efforts. We want them to know that with their votes we will legally effect the transfer of wealth to their benefit.”
DC Infested with Psychopaths
A study of psychopathy throughout the United States found that the nation’s highest concentration of these types of people was in Washington DC. California, New Jersey, and New York finished in second, third, and fourth place for percentage of the population qualifying as psychopaths. The study was conducted by Southern Methodist University Assistant Professor Ryan Murphy.
“The District of Columbia is measured to be far more psychopathic than any individual state in the country,” Murphy observed. He speculated that “psychopaths may be drawn to Washington since government offers a robust array of opportunities for individuals to exercise power over others. There are both opportunities for self-enrichment and opportunities to bend others to your will by making laws or regulations that force people to yield to you rather than freely pursue their own well-being.”
DNC Denounces Record Employment
The Bureau of Labor Statistics’ June jobs report showed that the US economy added 213,000 jobs—bringing the number of employed Americans to 155,576,000—the tenth record high of the Trump presidency. Tom Perez, Democratic National Chairman (DNC) and former Secretary of Labor under Obama, warned voters “to not be taken in by this mirage of the so-called good life.”
Wage Gains Threaten Democracy
News that American workers pay and benefits are now rising at a faster pace than any time during the Obama years has sparked fear in the Democratic Party. The proclaimed “future” of the Party Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, surprise winner of the Democratic congressional primary in Brooklyn, New York, sees this development as “a direct threat to our democracy. The GOP scheme to boost the working class into the ranks of higher income is intended to undermine their support for the Democratic Party.”
Senator Introduces “Accountable Capitalism Act”
Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass) is sponsoring legislation that would negate the control of corporate shareholders and transfer authority to government. Her bill—the “Accountable Capitalism Act”–is, in her words, “intended to replace greedy profiteering with the more socially beneficial guidance of government oversight.”
The prime motive for the bill was her discovery that employees’ share of the income generated by businesses has fallen from 85% 20 years ago to “only” 75% today. “As Karl Marx conclusively proved more than 150 years ago, all the value created by businesses comes from labor,” Warren contended. “It is shameful that any of this value is expropriated by the capitalistic overlords. My bill would correct this travesty and bring about an era of social justice the likes of which the world has never seen.”
Abortion the Great Equalizer
Former president of Planned Parenthood Gloria Feldt told a Cornell University audience that “abortion gives women an equal seat at life’s table. Putting all of the burden of child-bearing and birthing on women violates the Constitution’s equal protection clause. Abortion is the remedy. Freeing ourselves of the obligations imposed on us by a patriarchal society is the only way we can enjoy the same power that men have monopolized through a discriminatory reproductive system.”
Feldt’s remarks mirrored those of former First Daughter Chelsea Clinton who also advocated an economic rationale for preserving the court-granted right of reluctant would-be mothers to abort their unborn children. Clinton’s argument pointed out that “women who were freed by the 1973 Roe v. Wade Supreme Court decision from the encumbrance of an unwanted child were able to join the workforce and add half a trillion dollars to the GDP between the years 1973 to 2009.”
Broward County Official Defends Violating Law
In the wake of Florida’s closely contested races for Senator and Governor, Broward County Elections Supervisor Brenda Snipes sought to defend violating state election laws. Under state law each county is required to report the number of ballots to be counted in a timely fashion. Broward was one of the two out of 67 counties not to do so.
Snipes contended that her lack of compliance with the law “was guided by a higher loyalty. It seems like every election new boxes of ballots keep being found in the darnedest places. In order to ensure that these voters are not disenfranchised it’s necessary to keep the process open.”
Liberals Talk Down to Blacks, Conservatives Don’t
A study by Cydney Dupree, assistant professor of organizational behavior at the Yale School of Management, found that liberals talk down to blacks. The research found that Democratic candidates used fewer competence-related words in speeches to audiences consisting mostly of minorities than they did in speeches to mostly white audiences. “It was kind of an unpleasant surprise to see this subtle, but persistent effect,” Dupree lamented. “Even if it’s ultimately well-intentioned, it could be seen as patronizing.”
Democratic National Committee Chairman Tom Perez defended the practice of talking down to minorities and cited his Party’s recent success in taking back the majority in the House of Representatives as “proof that this strategy works.”
DNC Chair Blames Religion for Obstructing Socialism
Democratic National Committee (DNC) Chair Tom Perez blamed religion for “poisoning peoples’ minds against the promise of socialism. No matter what we do through the media to try to advertise the benefits of socialism 24/7, the one hour a week people spend in church every Sunday is undermining our efforts.”
“The priest or pastor who is telling the congregation that being good and being charitable is a matter of personal responsibility directly contradicts the message of the Democratic Party,” Perez complained. “The notion of doing something because it is what God wants you to do dilutes the authority we have been assiduously trying to vest in government. It leaves it up to each individual to decide what he or she will do.”
“This reinforcement of individualism negates the collective solidarity our Party has been preaching,” Perez continued. “Experts should be the ones to decide what each person must do to support the collective well being of society. Individuals should accept and implement the decisions made for them by the experts.”
“While the cultural transformation that our Party has wrought over the decades by dominating public schools, universities, media, television and movies has made dramatic progress, the continued interference by religious institutions free to broadcast nonconforming messages may be something we need to seriously consider dealing with,” the DNC Chair suggested. “In China, the government reserves the right to approve the appointment of priests and pastors to churches. Maybe it’s time we do the same thing here in this country.”
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