Biden Promises to Fight for the Presidency

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Smarting from assessments that he lost the first debate of the 2020 presidential campaign, former Vice-President Joe Biden offered to “roll up my sleeves and fight for the right to lead this country. You know, there are many tribes whose traditional culture calls for contenders to physically fight for the right to lead. I think that approach has a lot to recommend it compared to the pander-fest I was forced to participate in last week.”

“My suggestion is that President Trump be required to defend his office by meeting each challenger, in turn and at suitable intervals between now and November 2020, in a no-hold-barred match to decide who will lead America for the next four years,” Biden said. “During the 2016 campaign, Trump promised to fight for the American people. I’m calling on him to honor this promise to prove he’s worthy of the office.”

Biden’s proposal received mixed reactions from some of the other contenders. Confident that his youth and ferocity would give him a decisive edge, Sen. Corey Booker (D-NJ) accepted the challenge, saying “we need a fighter now more than at any point in our nation’s history. I think I have shown throughout my career that I am the fighter America needs.”

Sen. Kamala Harris (D-Calif), the reputed winner of the Democrat presidential candidates’ debate, was more lukewarm. “Unless there is some way to level the playing field I don’t think a purely physical contest would be fair to the women,” she objected. “Perhaps if all the men had to fight the women with one hand tied behind their backs it might be an acceptable option.”

A spokesman for the Biden camp averred that “such a handicap wouldn’t be necessary. “Since Joe’s proposal would use a ‘highest office held’ protocol to determine who gets the first shot at Trump, we expect the former Vice-President to have the first and only needed shot at knocking Trump out of the race and taking his place in the White House. There would be no need for any of the women to worry about their pugilistic deficiencies.”

Congresswoman Demands End to Mockery

Rep. Frederica Wilson (D-Fla) is demanding that persons who mock members of Congress be prosecuted. “The Constitution says that members of Congress shall not be questioned in any other place,” Wilson asserted. “Yet, even the shallowest dive into the internet bumps into numerous criticisms, insults and threats. Not a day goes by when someone isn’t calling for voters to oust me from office. This has got to stop.”

“We’re going to shut them down and work with whoever it is to shut them down and they should be prosecuted,” the Congresswoman promised. “Freedom of speech does not protect ‘hate speech.’ The mockery exhibited online is an unacceptable threat to our constitutional right to rule.”

Wilson was undaunted by the difficulty of getting the Trump Administration Department of Justice to carry out the desired prosecutions, saying that “Congress has the right to impeach anyone, including the President himself, who fails to obey the will of Congress.”

In related news, Border Patrol agents are now under investigation for laughing at Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) when she staged a “crying photo op” next to a vacant parking lot, falsely characterized a common combo toilet and sink configuration as forcing detainees to drink out of a toilet, and demanded that guards “stop looking at me” during her visit to the El Paso, Texas border facility.

Dems Envision “Smart Guns”

In their continuing quest to disarm the law-abiding segment of the US population, some key Democrats are envisioning a technological path toward this objective.

At the state level, Gov. Phil Murphy (NJ) pledges to sign legislation requiring every firearms dealer in the state to sell smart guns as soon as they become available from manufacturers. At the national level, former Vice-President Joe Biden is calling for “smart guns” to be made mandatory.

Biden claimed that “if James Bond is willing to use a smart gun, then lesser skilled law-enforcement officers and private individuals should be required to use them. Right now, millions of people rely on Alexa or Siri for a wide array of decisions. If people are willing to trust artificial intelligence for mundane choices there’s no good reason why these technologies shouldn’t be employed to make the final decision on whether or not to allow a user to discharge a firearm for so-called self-defense. Why let human emotions drive a life or death decision when the dispassionate intervention of an artificial intelligence can make a more logical choice for the collective welfare of society?”

Booker: “Free Health Care for Illegals Is Just Common Sense”

Long-shot presidential contender Sen. Cory Booker (D-NJ) defended the field’s unanimous endorsement of free health care for those entering the US illegally. “Many of those crossing our southern border bring deadly diseases with them,” he pointed out. “Treating them strikes me as pretty much a ‘no brainer.’ In fact, the more I think about it, I believe that to get out in front of this potential pandemic we need to extend free health care to every potential immigrant. If we can cure them in their home countries they’ll be in better shape for the long journey, less likely to die along the way, and healthier when they do arrive.”

The Senator congratulated himself for “thinking outside the box” and “demonstrating the kind of vision that the next person to be our nation’s president needs.” He also took credit for “personally escorting five undocumented individuals past border guards and into the United States,” an accomplishment he gleefully contrasted with rival candidate former Rep. Beto O’Rourke’s (D-Texas) unsuccessful attempt to help a migrant break out of a Mexican detention center.

Harris Promises to Revive School Busing

Still pumped after forcing rival Democratic presidential candidate former Vice-President Joe Biden to admit that he opposed forced busing back in the 1970s, Sen. Kamala Harris (Calif) sought to build on her momentum by vowing to revive this school integration technique.

“It was racists who opposed busing their children to ghetto schools,” Harris maintained. “It’s a disgrace to see that the Vice-President refuses to admit his guilt and apologize. I urge all Democrat voters to reject racism and elect me to represent our Party in the 2020 presidential election. I will restore busing to its rightful place as a tool for shaping our youth into the social progressives that will inherit the reins after us.”

Whether Harris’ vow to revive school busing is a winning issue remains doubtful. In its heyday busing was opposed by a vast majority of voters. Even Black voters opposed it by 48% to 44%. More recently, it has been minorities that have demanded separation from whites at the college level—as in segregated dorms and segregated fraternities.

AOC Says US Headed Toward Fascism

Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) warned that “the US is headed toward becoming a fascist country. On the one hand, we see continued attempts to prevent foreigners from entering the United States just because it is illegal. Then when the Border Patrol fails to prevent entry they’re holding these people in concentration camps. In what way is this significantly different from what Hitler did?”

“Then, just this past week we saw antifascists forced to go out into the streets of Portland and beat up enemies of progressive policies,” the Congresswoman said. “Even though they had the backing of Portland Mayor Ted Wheeler, they still had to wear masks to protect themselves from wrongful prosecution by the anti-socialist fascists who still control the Department of Justice. This street violence is the same kind of thing that preceded the Nazis coming to power in Germany in 1933. We are at a crucial point in this country’s history. If we don’t move forward with the impeachment of Donald Trump, the socialist vision of America’s future first glimpsed by President Obama and echoed by every one of the Democratic Party’s potential 2020 nominees maybe be lost for a generation or more.”

The victims that the masked, self-styled antifascists were forced to club with tire irons and crowbars included John Blum, Adam Kelly, and homosexual reporter Andy Ngo. According to the batterers, the victims “had it coming” and pointed out “they’re lucky to still be alive.”

Hillary Drops Out of Cybersecurity Event

Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton abruptly canceled her scheduled appearance at the FireEye Cyber Defense Summit set for this coming October.

Clinton spokesman Nick Merrill explained that “this conference is for the world’s leading security experts. It was decided that an appearance by the Secretary would undermine her claim that she used an unsecured email server and destroyed a dozen communications devices that were under subpoena out of ignorance and unfamiliarity with using computers and cell phones. We felt it would be better for her to adopt a position that as an aging person who grew up before such equipment was in common use she inadvertently committed these crimes.”

Buttigieg Says Asking Blacks to Stop Committing Crimes Is Racist

During a Q & A session at the Carroll County Democratic Party BBQ in Iowa this week, 2020 Democratic presidential candidate Mayor Pete Buttigieg (South Bend, Indiana) deftly dodged a suggestion that he could help ease tensions between Blacks and the police by asking Blacks “to stop committing crimes and doing drugs.”

The candidate contends that “committing crimes and doing drugs are lifestyle choices” and that “failure to tolerate these choices is racism, pure and simple. It is easy for white people who have every advantage to disparage a culture they do not understand. Our prisons have a disproportionate quantity of Blacks compared to their share of the population. The excuse that this is the result of disproportion in the commissions of crime doesn’t cut it. We need to either release more Blacks from prison or put more whites behind bars to correct the imbalance.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program. This post is also available on Facebook.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

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