Pelosi Compares Clinton and Trump Impeachments

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) contrasted “the unwarranted impeachment of President Clinton” with “the need to remove the most dangerous man to ever hold the office. Granted, Clinton behaved stupidly, but many presidents have been stupid without posing the kind of existential threat to democracy that Trump does. A smart man is far more dangerous to democracy than a dumb one.”

“Going back to the very beginning of his campaign Trump demonstrated a cleverness beyond the norms of modern politics,” Pelosi explained. “His winning against every recognized expert’s prediction raised a red warning to all correct thinkers. His policies spurring a roaring economy that has especially benefited minorities by increasing their access to jobs and earned income have overthrown a consensus that has stood since LBJ’s Great Society broadened the welfare state first begun by FDR. Clearly, Trump is outside the bounds of what is acceptable in a chief executive officer of the federal government. It is imperative that we bring him down not only to stop him from committing further objectionable acts, but as an example to any future imitators.”

In a tweet, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton hailed Pelosi’s determination to press ahead with Trump’s impeachment “because in the United States no one is above the law.” Clinton dismissed responding tweets pointing out that she had violated the law by destroying subpoenaed evidence of her misuse of classified government documents, claiming that “since I was the nation’s last line of defense trying to prevent a Trump presidency my actions were motivated by a patriotism that many regard as heroic.”

Though the odds of removing Trump from office via the current impeachment effort seem slim, Rep. Al Green (D-Tex) pointed out that “there is no limit to the number of times the House can impeach a president. If we can increase the number of Democrats in the House and Senate in the upcoming election I think the odds for success will improve. Whether we do actually reach a point where he is removed from office or not, there are political benefits from continuing to focus on impeachment. At the very least we can prevent any legislation that would enable his policies to gain ground or increase their effectiveness.”

In related news, three psychiatrists—Yale Medical School Professor Dr Bandy Lee, George Washington University Professor Dr John Zinner, and former CIA profiler Dr Jerrold Post—volunteered to testify at the House Judicial Committee impeachment hearing “because we are concerned that the imminent prospect of Trump’s removal from office is making him more unstable than normal. This, in our opinion means that Trump must be ousted before his mental disturbance leads to action that might thwart those working to save the world from his depredations against humanity.” The trio claim to have a petition with more than 350 signatures from mental health professionals endorsing their conclusions.

Harming Canada May Be Added to List of Charges Against Trump

The latest jobs reports for the United States showing that unemployment is at a 50-year low were cited by House Judiciary Committee Chairman Jerry Nadler (D-NY) in his contention that “not only has President Trump cruelly mistreated Ukraine. His economic policies have stolen jobs that might otherwise have gone to Canada. The two million new jobs added in 2019 under Trump’s ‘America first’ obsession are making it hard on Canada—so much so that during this period only 26,000 new jobs have been created there. And the trend is getting worse. In November the US added 266,000 jobs, but Canada actually lost 71,000 jobs. This is so unfair as to warrant an additional charge in our impeachment indictment.”

A series of Trump tweets labeled Nadler’s reasoning “addled” and called the charge “a further demonstration of the Democrats’ insanity. I have no monopoly on sound economic policy. Any country can learn from my example of unleashing a flood of investment from the private sector. If Trudeau had put as much energy into improving the business climate in Canada as he has into mocking me or dressing up in black face his country’s economy would be doing much better.”

Yovanovitch Says Giuliani’s Investigation Validates Her Testimony

According to former Ambassador of the United States to Ukraine Marie Yovanovitch, Rudy Giuliani’s investigative effort that discovered more than five billion dollars of US aid to Ukraine had been misused “backs up what I testified to in the Schiff impeachment hearing. The public disclosure of this corruption deviates from longstanding US policy toward Ukraine.”

“It’s not as if the Obama Administration was unaware of where the money was going,” Yovanovitch said. “It was our explicit policy to keep that under wraps. That’s why we discouraged the Ukraine police and prosecutor from investigating it. And that’s why Vice-President Biden had to give the former Ukraine President Viktor Yanukovych instructions to fire the prosecutor who refused to drop his inquiries.”

“Inasmuch as Trump—an illegitimate president—was endeavoring to undermine the policy put in place by his Nobel Prize winning predecessor, it was the unanimous opinion of all of us professionals that he was abusing power and had to be stopped. It is gratifying to see that the House will be going ahead with the plan to remove the dangerously disruptive Trump from office.”

Sanders Says Abortion “a Constitutional Right”

Contender for the 2020 Democratic presidential nomination Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-Vt) raised the ante against his rival extremist contenders by asserting “abortion is a constitutional right. It’s right there in the Eighth Amendment clear as day—no cruel punishments may be inflicted. Laws barring women from getting an abortion at any stage of pregnancy are compelling them to provide nearly 20 years of child care. This violates the Thirteenth Amendment’s prohibition of involuntary servitude.”

“On top of this individual right of every woman there is also the collective obligation to reduce the surplus population that is so devastating to the environment,” Sanders added. “Let’s not kid ourselves or mince words. Every abortion extinguishes an unwanted augmentation to the surplus population. It is a more efficient and less messy method than having to cull undesirable individuals from the herd when the environmental damages have become so acute that it’s our only option.”

Meanwhile, rival contender Sen. Elizabeth Warren (Mass) dismissed objections to late term abortions as “overblown. The number of late term pregnancies ended by abortion is only about 1.3% per year. That’s fewer than 12,000 surplus lives extinguished. More adults are murdered each year. Sadly, a lot of these murders are committed by children who should have been aborted.”

Biden Predicts Recession If He’s Elected

Former Vice-President Joe Biden predicted that governing the country once he is elected president “may be difficult. The runaway prosperity that Trump has embroiled the country in will be hard to undo. Business investment plans predicated on low taxes and looser regulations will see the handwriting on the wall after the votes are counted and I’ve won. They’ll rush to move money outside our borders and start laying off workers before I can be inaugurated and stop them with an Executive Order.”

“Thankfully, there is a bright side to an economic recession,” Biden argued. “There’ll be less pollution, not only from closing smoke-belching factories, but also from lower traffic as unemployed workers won’t have to drive to jobs. The cleaner air will have widespread health benefits. Newly unemployed persons can devote more time to getting fit like I have since early 2017. In fact, once voters grasp that I can do more push-ups than Trump they’ll chuck that bloated blimp aside and put a real man in the White House.”

In related news, Biden blew his top at a stop on his “no malarkey” tour of Iowa when a prospective supporter raised the issue of Biden bragging about firing a Ukraine prosecutor who just happened to be investigating a company that was paying his son one million dollars a year for a “no show” job. Joe deftly rebutted the questioner’s concerns by pointing out that he was “a damn liar,” “fat,” and “too old to vote.” The would-be next president concluded his effort at winning the 83-year-old man’s vote by challenging him to an IQ test and asking him to “feel my muscles.”

Oddly enough, this episode was the decisive factor inspiring former Secretary of State John Kerry’s endorsement of Biden for president. “I believe Joe Biden is the President our country desperately needs right now,” Kerry alleged. “The way he was able to help his beleaguered son make millions after he was dishonorably discharged from the Navy was impressive. With the broader power of a president there’s no telling how many more sons of important people he could help.” Kerry says he “will be reporting for duty on the next leg of Joe’s ‘no malarkey tour.’”

Senator Objects to Making Able-Bodied Work for Food Stamps

The Trump Administration plan to put 700,000 able-bodied recipients between the ages of 18 and 49 enrolled in the government’s Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program (SNAP) to work drew strenuous objections from Sen. Patty Murray (D-WA). The planned work requirement is projected to save taxpayers $5 billion over 10 years.

“It’s hard to see this as anything but the President being cruel for cruelty’s sake,” Murray complained. “The people targeted may be able-bodied, but why should they be forced to sacrifice the leisure they became accustomed to when they got the food with no strings attached? Eating is a human right. To strip this right away in order to save taxpayers a few bucks is an abuse of power that has won my vote for his impeachment if it ever gets to the Senate.”

The “few bucks” disparaged by Murray add up to more than $45,000 per year in government benefits for every household in the bottom 20% of income in the United States. Secretary of Agriculture Sonny Perdue defended the requirement, saying “I strongly disagree with the Senator’s reasoning. The greatest cost of government welfare is its destruction of the kind of self-respect that comes from making a positive contribution to one’s own well-being. The abilities of millions of human beings have been allowed to atrophy in lives of idleness that too often lead to crime and depravity. The modest work requirement we are instituting offers an opportunity to escape the destructive cycle of welfare dependency.”

Buttigieg Has Plan to Curb Illegal Immigration

In a bid for Latino votes, Democratic presidential candidate South Bend Mayor Pete Buttigieg proposed that “we end the artificial immigration crisis by returning the land stolen from Mexico by US aggression during the mid 1800s. It’s unconscionable that the Trump Administration is persecuting Mexicans who are only trying to recover their own stolen property.”

“If California, Nevada, Arizona, New Mexico, and Texas were to be ceded back to Mexico there would be no incentive for Latinos to try to illegally enter the United States,” Buttigieg claimed. “And all of the buildings Americans erected on the stolen lands could be expropriated by the Mexican government for the benefit of the Mexican people.”

Acting Secretary of Homeland Security Chad Wolf called the Buttigieg proposal “ill-conceived. First, the land in question was not stolen from Mexico. Texas successfully fought for independence from Mexico in 1836 and later petitioned to become a state. In 1848 after the Mexican-American War the US Government paid Mexico for the rest of the remaining states mentioned by the Mayor.”

“Second, the main accomplishment of the redrawing of the border north of where it is now wouldn’t be a solution for illegal immigration into the United States,” Wolf said. “It would just move the invaders closer to the heartland of the United States. The current residents of the ceded land would be subjected to the whims of a corrupt Mexican government. Those living near the new border on the US side would be on the new front lines of the invasion from the south. I don’t think American voters would approve of Buttigieg’s plan if he said it in English to a more ethnically diversified audience.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.


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