By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
House Judiciary Committee Chairman Jerry Nadler (D-NY) rejected arguments that we should allow the upcoming 2020 election to decide who will be president. “Elections are unreliable,” Nadler said. “We all saw what happened in 2016. Despite the heroic efforts by the FBI described in the Horowitz report, Donald Trump, with the aid of the Russians, managed to dupe enough strategically positioned voters to snatch victory away from the majority’s preferred candidate: Hillary Clinton. We cannot sit idly by and allow this to happen again.”
“We need to find our way to a better method of selecting who shall govern,” Nadler suggested. “The first step in a better method is to undo the error made in 2016. Impeaching Trump will accomplish this first step. Our hearings have compiled a damning case of abuse of power and obstruction of Congress against him. The best model we have for the appropriate exercise of power by a president was demonstrated by President Obama. Trump has strayed far from this model. That alone is sufficient to constitute abuse. That Trump has fought our three year effort to oust him is prima facie proof of his obstruction of Congress.”
“I am aware that the Republican controlled Senate may ignore its duty to convict and remove Trump from office,” Nadler acknowledged. “However, it is our hope that such a dereliction of duty will cause patriotic voters to rise up and oust these feckless officeholders as well as the criminal they would shield from punishment. Then with Democrats in full control of the presidency and both houses of Congress the restoration of the idyllic era initiated by President Obama can resume its thousand year reign.”
Buttigieg Alleges Sexual Harassment by Trump
Democratic presidential contender South Bend, Indiana Mayor Pete Buttigieg leveled a charge of sexual harassment against President Trump. The basis of the allegation was Trump’s assertion at a campaign rally that “I dream about him.”
“As a gay man I find this both frightening and annoying,” Buttigieg complained. “It violates my constitutional right against cruel and unusual punishment. My wife Chasten is extremely disturbed and now refuses to sleep with me. That Trump would do this to me is the lowest of low blows and further marks him as unfit for office.”
Gore Advises Dems to Run on “Green New Deal”
Former Vice-President and self-anointed environmental expert Al Gore urged that “any Democrat who wants to be elected president in 2020 must come out strongly in favor of the ‘Green New Deal.’ With less than 12 years to go before the planet burns up due to global climate change we need a leader who will save us from catastrophe.”
“The Republican stance of freely allowing individuals to ignore the potential consequences of their climate wrecking behaviors has to be stopped,” Gore insisted. “We need a government that has the strength of character to crack down on the irresponsible uses of freedom that undermine the collective well being of humanity. Only directives from the government are powerful enough to whip everyone onto line in time to avert disaster.”
Thus far, former Vice-President Joe Biden, Sen. Bernie Sanders (Vt), Sen. Elizabeth Warren (Mass), and Mayor Pete Buttigieg (South Bend, Indiana) have endorsed a Green New Deal dictatorship aimed at preventing future climate change.
NY State Faces $6 Billion Deficit
The gap between revenues and expenditures for the New York State Government is projected to exceed $6 billion for next year. The preferred option of raising taxes to cover the shortfall has had the unpleasant effect of driving many wealthier residents to leave the state. The disdained option of cutting expenditures has resulted in the soaring welfare expenditures that comprise two-thirds of the shortfall.
Assembly Speaker Carl Heastie (D-Bronx) vows to “resist any cuts to the benefits of the voters who gave Democrats control of all branches of the government” and “to extract the wealth unfairly accumulated by the tax-dodging upper class.”
In addition to increasing income tax rates, Heastie has suggested that “we deter flight by levying an exit tax on those trying to escape their social obligation to share their money with the less fortunate. I am told that Germany successfully used such an exit tax back in the 1930s. The surge in government revenue from that tax allowed them to spend their way out of the Great Depression and become a global power.”
Clinton Slams UK Election Results
Unsuccessful presidential candidate former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton slammed the victory of Conservative Boris Johnson in this week’s elections in the United Kingdom, saying “it’s sad to see the British succumb to the same mistake we did in 2016 when Russia colluded with Trump to thwart the will of the voters and elect Trump.”
“Like he did for us in 2016, former MI6 agent Christopher Steele compiled a dossier proving that Johnson, like Trump, is a Putin stooge,” Clinton said. “I would have thought that the obviously Russian name ‘Boris’ would have been enough to persuade voters that Johnson couldn’t be trusted to govern. It’s tragic that Steele’s dossier on Johnson wasn’t released for publication prior to the vote that gave his Party a majority in the House of Commons.”
A possible explanation for not publishing the dossier is that libel laws are stricter in the UK than in the United States. In the US, any rumor, any unsubstantiated allegation, any lie can be published without penalty unless the victim can prove intentional malice on the part of the media. Publishers acting out of malice are not likely to admit it nor to leave a paper trail proving it. Consequently, we still see House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) asserting that Trump is a Putin tool even after the $35 million Mueller investigation found no proof of such an allegation. In today’s America Pelosi and the media are free to slander and libel anyone they please with no fear of having to face a consequence.
In related news, former President Bill Clinton praised “the House’s heroic impeachment effort to correct the 2016 election results. If the Senate does its job and convicts Trump, Hillary is ready to assume the job the majority of voters awarded her on November 8, 2016.”
Gov Warns 2nd Amendment Sanctuary Cities
Now that the Virginia State Legislature and the Governorship are under solid Democrat control, steps are underway to infringe on citizens’ rights to bear arms. More than 80 local governments—cities and counties—have declared themselves “Second Amendment sanctuaries.” Democrats are calling for punitive action against “these outlaws.”
Rep. Donald McEachin (D-Richmond) suggested “cutting off state aid to sanctuary jurisdictions” or “maybe calling out National Guard troops to suppress those rebelling against State authority. Gov. Ralph Northam took what he termed “a more nuanced approach. If these scofflaws won’t comply with gun control regulations I’ll sit down with legislative leaders and have a discussion. If there is a consensus that a right to bear arms should be resuscitated, we’ll leave them be. However, if it is decided that this right should be terminated we can send in troops to seize the rebels’ firearms.”
Following the Governor’s remarks the number of local jurisdictions declaring themselves Second Amendment sanctuaries rose to more than 90.
Media Pundit Unlooses Ignorant Rant
Following the release of the Department of Justice Inspector General’s report detailing the FBI’s covert efforts to conspire with the media to prevent the election of Donald Trump as president and to undermine his Administration, Fox News’ Chris Wallace asserted that “I believe that President Trump is engaged in the most direct, sustained assault on freedom of the press in our history. He has done everything he can to undercut the media to try and delegitimize us. He has been more hostile to freedom of the press than any other president.”
The fact that Wallace’s contention is contradicted by history bolster’s Trump’s argument that the media can’t be trusted to objectively report the news. Back in the 1790s, President John Adams supported a Sedition Act that led to shutting down newspapers and jailing critics of his Administration. During the 1860s President Abraham Lincoln shut down more than 300 newspapers and jailed numerous critics. More recently, President Barack Obama authorized spying on reporters who wrote stories he didn’t like.
In contrast, Trump hasn’t shut down any media outlets, spied on any reporters, or jailed any of his critics. All he has done is speak out against what he deems unfair news reporting. He, unlike some of his predecessors, has acted within the bounds of the First Amendment—exercising his freedom of speech to disagree with the media without interfering with their freedom to vilify him.
Bizarrely, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) contends that “the media are Trump’s accomplices because all they do is enable him. Time after time they let him speak on camera. This allows viewers to see and hear him for themselves without the needed editing that could so easily be provided to filter out his lies. The media have the power to completely control how voters perceive him. Not using that power as they should will be something we’ll have to fix once our Party controls all the branches of government.”
Warren Chides Biden and Buttigieg
Now that she has fallen behind in the polls, Democratic presidential hopeful Sen. Elizabeth Warren (Mass) is denouncing “the bourgeois counterrevolutionaries who say they will work with Republicans to craft compromise solutions to the nation’s problems.” The two she mentioned by name are former Vice-President Joe Biden and South Bend, Indiana Mayor Pete Buttigieg.
“There can be no ‘common ground’ with reactionaries,” Warren contends. “We cannot unite the country by diluting our socialist program for America’s future. Those who are not fully on-board with the transformation begun by President Obama cannot be part of the governing coalition following the November elections. They must be isolated, neutralized, and, if necessary trampled into the ground lest they impede our push for collectivization.”
Warren contended that “both Biden and Buttigieg are capitalists in disguise. Buttigieg actually worked in the private sector for management consulting firm McKinsey & Co. That is not the behavior of a true social justice warrior. And while Biden has never stooped as low, he has used his position in government to extract money from corporations for himself and members of his family. While I have received some money from practicing law, I view that income as my share of the reparations this country owes to us Native Americans for centuries of mistreatment.”
Dem Says Trump Must Be Impeached “Because of Slavery”
Though neither President Trump nor any of his ancestors has ever been shown to have owned a slave, Rep. Al Green (D-Texas) demands that he be impeached “to heal the wounds slavery inflicted on blacks. I know a lot of whites like to point out that some of their kind—President Lincoln and Union troops, for example—fought and died to end slavery. But that doesn’t absolve them of guilt for the suffering that blacks still endure to this day.”
“Recently, President Trump has personally contributed to black suffering by requiring able-bodied recipients of welfare to do some work in exchange for their benefits,” Green complained. “This work requirement infringes on the freedom to live without having to toil that my people are owed for the hundreds of years of servitude imposed on our ancestors. After whites have endured hundreds of years of working to support the payment of these earned benefits, then we can talk about equality.”
AOC Proposes Family Leave Reform
Irked that there is a wide variation among the “family leave” policies practiced by different employers, Rep, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) recommended “we take a lesson from how we treat puppies. Typically, puppies stay with their mother for eight weeks before being put up for adoption. I think we should treat humans as well as we treat dogs.”
AOC is reported to be working on a bill that mandates employers to provide a minimum of eight weeks paid family leave, spaying, neutering, or euthanizing the offspring—whichever best promotes the general welfare promise of our Constitution, and determining whether each child would be returned to the family of origin or offered for adoption.
“The system we have now is so random,” she pointed out. “My bill addresses some of the glaring defects that need fixing. The family of origin will have eight weeks of uninterrupted time with each newborn. Unless government authorities decide otherwise, each child will be sterilized to help reduce the future human impact on the environment. And if the family of origin is deemed unfit to raise a child it will be placed for adoption by more suitable parents.”
In related news, AOC announced her support for decriminalizing the use of psychedelic drugs. “I have found them to be very helpful stimulants for generating progressive ideas on social justice,” she boasted. “I think if more people used them we’d speed up the pace toward a socialist America.”
Former FBI Lawyer Sues for Invasion of Privacy
Lisa Page, former FBI lawyer and paramour of FBI agent Peter Strzok, has filed suit against the Department of Justice for invasion of privacy. The “invasion” was the public release of texts and emails between her and Strzok, including those that discussed their participation in the plot against Trump that was carried out by the FBI.
“There were dozens of FBI employees plotting against Trump,” Page said. “Extramarital affairs were perks widely accepted at the Agency. Singling out my affair and evidence of my participation in the conspiracy was discriminatory. I will not stand for being made the lone scapegoat in the operation.”
Former FBI Director James Comey chastized Page for “using her government-issued cell phone to conduct what should have been confidential communications. That was stupid. The Agency policy has always been to use ‘burner phones’ for all illegal operations and illicit sexual liaisons.”
Strzok says he may join Page’s suit “because the publication of my conversations has harmed both my marriage and career by giving the impression that I am unusually untrustworthy. In truth, I am no worse than most of my former superiors at the Agency.”
In related news, current FBI Director Christopher Wray vowed to prevent future scandals by “increasing our employees’ pay so they can afford the added expense of buying burner phones to aid in the concealment of any future illicit covert operations.”
Kentucky Gov Restores Voting Rights to 100,000 Felons
Newly elected Governor Andy Beshear (D-Ky) has signed an executive order restoring the voting rights of over 100,000 of the state’s convicted felons. “A truly representative government must include the votes of everyone, that includes criminals,” Beshear said. “That’s why one of my first acts as governor must be to welcome these people into the voting booths.”
The governor also cited the discriminatory impact that barring felons from voting has had. “A quarter of the African-American adults in our state are convicted felons,” Beshear observed. “A policy that bars former prisoners from voting has racist impacts. A person’s preferred lifestyle or career choice should not be used as an excuse to exclude him from the franchise, especially when it has a disparate impact on a racial minority.”
In related news, Democrats in the House of Representatives overwhelmingly rejected a GOP proposal to include a clause in HR-1 stating that “allowing illegal immigrants the right to vote devalues the franchise and diminishes the voting power of United States citizens.” House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) explained that “voting is a human right. Illegal immigrants are humans. Therefore, they should have the right to vote.”
Comey Says Horowitz Report “Vindicates Me”
Former FBI Director James Comey enthusiastically greeted the release of DOJ Inspector General Michael Horowitz’s report on the FBI’s plot against Trump, saying “it vindicates me. A close reading of the document shows that everything we did was with the full blessing of President Obama. He was the Commander-in-Chief. We at the FBI were merely following his orders.”
“I’m hoping that President Obama will now come forward and admit his guiding role in our operation,” Comey said. “That would save a lot of his loyal followers from potential prosecution and punishment. It would be the noble thing to do and wouldn’t cost him anything because as former President Nixon pointed out, ‘when the president does something, that means that it is not illegal.’ On top of that, no prosecutor would dare file charges against him for fear of being called a racist.”
Biden Blames Staff for Extortion
Former Vice-President, and current front runner for the Democratic 2020 presidential nomination, Joe Biden now blames his staff for his threat to withhold aid from Ukraine if they didn’t fire the prosecutor investigating the company paying his son more than $80,000 a month for a “no show” job.
“I’m no legal eagle,” Biden admitted. “I’m more of a ‘hands-on’ type of guy with sexy, blond leg hair. How was I to know that threatening the president of Ukraine was actually a crime? I mean, c’mon man. Ukraine is a place where everybody is corrupt. How can I be blamed for ‘going native’ there?’
In a bid to reassure American voters he can be trusted not to do it again, Biden promised that if he’s elected president “I will prohibit members of my family from getting involved in any foreign business dealings unless they absolutely need the money to pay child support or something equally important.”
A Satirical Look at Recent News
John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.
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