Employment Growth Rankles Sanders

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

The latest employment report for the US economy has Democratic presidential contender Sen. Bernie Sanders (Vt) warning voters about “Trump’s insidious plan to coerce the working class into actually working for a living. The leisure gains painstakingly accumulated over decades of government’s expansion of welfare benefits are being cast aside for a reactionary return to wage-slavery.”

Among the statistics assailed by Sanders were substantial “increases in labor force participation rates to highs not seen in decades, the disproportionate shift of the burden of production toward minorities, and the pitifully small boost in wages. These are not sufficient replacements for the staggering loss of welfare benefits being received by the poorest among us. The Bureau of Labor Statistics is reporting that Black unemployment is now at its lowest point and wages at their highest point since we’ve been keeping track. Lifestyles that provided secure standards of living without forcing people to enter the rat race of the commercial marketplace are being swept away.”

The Candidate vowed to “reverse this ominous trend when I become president. Instead of pushing people into the job of feeding the golden goose, my administration will use the power of government to seize the goose and serve it to the people as reparations for the centuries of capitalistic exploitation that have enslaved the masses.”

Defections Plague Warren Campaign

This week, a half-dozen “women of color” defected from Sen. Elizabeth Warren’s effort to win Democratic presidential delegates in Nevada. Megan Lewis, a field organizer blamed “a toxic culture that marginalized me as a woman of color. None of my suggestions were ever acted upon. I felt I was only on-board to give the appearance that the Candidate cared about my issues or me as a person.”

In response, Warren cited “America’s long history of racism and sexism” for the dust-up. “As a Native American woman, I, too, had to face racism and sexism on my path to eminence at Harvard and the US Senate. My mistake was in assuming that lesser people could persevere as I had. I was wrong. For this I hold Trump and every white male who has not supported my campaign personally responsible.”

Kristen Orthman, Warren’s campaign spokesperson, lamented “the actions of these campaign staffers. In a campaign there is only one chief and many ‘Indians.’ Each of these ‘Indians’ has an assigned role. For some, just being a visible member of a desirable demographic is their key function. Decisions on strategies, tactics, and how we communicate to voters are made at a higher level. Anyway, I think we shouldn’t blow this out of proportion. We have more than a thousand people in our organization. These six malcontents represent less than one-percent of our troops fighting for the social justice the Senator will bring to this country as president.”

Buttigieg Threatens Senators

Bolstered by news that he was the choice of 26 percent of Iowa Democrats in this week’s presidential nomination caucus, former South Bend Mayor Pete Buttigieg struck a “no tolerance for congressional defiance” stance and vowed to “land Air Force One in the backyard of anyone of them who opposes my policies” during an interview with CNN’s Chris Cuomo.

Oddly, the Mayor characterized his approach as “the very essence of what democracy is all about. The President is the elected leader of all of America. Senators and Representatives are elected by much smaller constituencies. We cannot allow these smaller constituencies to block the will of the majority who elected me.”

“Couldn’t President Trump have made a similar claim?” Cuomo asked. “He was elected to represent the entire nation, yet Congress, or at least the Democrats in Congress, have worked diligently against his policies and even impeached him. Why would you expect Congress not to oppose you?”

“Well, Trump was not really the people’s choice,” Buttigieg replied. “Early on, key members of the FBI realized that and took steps to try to prevent him from being president. Sadly, this effort, so far, has failed. The same wouldn’t be true in my case. I come to restore democracy to our country, not to undermine it like Trump has.”

Senator Denounced for Naming “Whistleblower”

Obama’s CIA Director John Brennan denounced Sen. Rand Paul (R-Ken) for naming Eric Ciaramella as the person behind the Democrats impeachment case against President Trump. “This man is beneath contempt,” Brennan asserted. “The effective wielding of power by government relies upon access to secret informers who must be able to make allegations without fear of contradiction or public disclosure of their identities. The supposed right to confront one’s accuser may be affordable when the issues are not so weighty. But the state must not be boxed in by this quaint artifact from the Bill of Rights. Too much is at stake for government’s hands to be tied so tightly.”

Paul responded saying “I categorically reject Mr. Brennan’s concept of how a government ought to be run. It was in response to tyrannical government practices entailing secret trials, anonymous witnesses, torture, and punishment without trials that led our Founding Fathers to include restrictions on such abuses in our Bill of Rights. Accusations can’t be fairly adjudicated if accusers are kept anonymous and testimony kept secret like Rep. Schiff did in the House’s impeachment hearings. No witnesses for the accused were permitted. And the primary accuser—the so-called whistleblower—was never allowed to be cross-examined.”

Brennan was not impressed by Paul’s critcism and suggested that “he is the kind of person that would have been a candidate for a drone strike when President Obama ruled. In fact, I think if we had been able to isolate him outside the country somewhere in the Middle East we’d have probably taken the opportunity to dispose of him and neutralize his threat to national security.”

“Green Light” Law Costs New Yorkers Travel Privileges

New York’s so-called “Green Light” law authorizing persons in the US illegally to obtain drivers’ licenses has led the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) to revoke expedited travel privileges for anyone using these licenses as identification for air travel.

Ken Cuccinelli, acting deputy secretary of DHS explained that “the state’s efforts to grant sanctuary to illegal immigrants by blocking us from verifying the license holder’s identity prevents us from protecting air travelers from potential terrorist attacks carried out by persons having this document. Our only safe option is to deny all New York licensees access to sped up security screening at ports of entry.”

Gov. Andrew Cuomo called the DHS action “unfair and discriminatory. Under the Tenth Amendment to the US Constitution it is our state’s right to license anyone we choose. We choose to extend the right to drive to everyone living in our state without regard to whether they may have broken some federal law to get into the United States. DHS is retaliating against our state for political reasons. I will be contacting House Judiciary Chairman Jerry Nadler (D-NY) to see about conducting an investigation of this latest abuse of power by Trump.”

Cuccinelli called the Governor’s complaint “unreasonable” and his argument “insane. New York has also banished requiring bail be posted for suspects accused of violent crimes. Instead, they are released back onto the streets, where they are free to commit additional crimes or escape the jurisdiction. Public safety is the most vital obligation of government. Cuomo may be willing to sacrifice this obligation in order to curry political favor from certain constituencies, but we are not. We wish New York would vet seekers of its driving licenses. However, until they do we will not be permitting the unvetted holders of these licenses to endanger properly vetted air travelers.”

Pelosi Throws Tantrum Over SOTU Speech

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) characterized President Trump’s State-of-the-Union speech as “a manifesto of lies and misrepresentations” and tore it to shreds as most of the audience loudly applauded his remarks.

Her first complaint alleged that “he refused to shake my hand. That’s how demeaning he is to those he disagrees with.” As it so happens, Trump didn’t shake hands with Vice-President Mike Pence either before he stood at the podium to speak.

Pelosi also found fault with Trump’s invited guests. “Who is he to presume to honor the last surviving Tuskegee airman?” she demanded to know. “The Tuskegee airmen were all black men. Black votes are the property of the Democratic Party and have been since the Roosevelt Administration. Trump only invited this old black man to try to steal black votes away from us.”

“And the insufferable surviving family members a couple of individuals—one killed by a terrorist and another by an undocumented immigrant—these aren’t important people,” she insisted. “They just served as props for Trump’s animus toward foreigners. Only a tiny percentage of Americans are killed by foreigners. Even if every one of these victims had been spared by a more vigorous effort against these types of crimes it would not be statistically significant.”

“Neither can I see the point in celebrating the survival of a baby born prematurely,” Pelosi observed. “She is one person who lived. Far more of a similar age in the womb are aborted each year. To use this now healthy and happy young child as evidence for why restricting abortions would be a good policy is hitting below the belt.”

“In sum, it was a totally shameful performance designed to convince the American people that things are going well,” she concluded. “Clearly, they are not going well. An obviously guilty abuser of power was acquitted by the Senate. This miscarriage of justice will have repercussions that will haunt our nation for generations to come.”

Bloomberg Defends Misleading Campaign Ad

An ad containing film footage showing children in cages and blaming President Trump’s border enforcement policies was actually recorded during the Obama Administration. Aspiring Democratic presidential contender former New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg defended the ad, calling it “a white lie in service to a greater cause.”

“While the images are from the previous administration, they support the widely held belief among Democrats that Trump is the real villain of the immigration crisis,” Bloomberg argued. “I believe efforts to restrict entry into the United States are wrong. We need low-wage workers to do the menial jobs Americans don’t want to do and to cast the votes needed to elect Democrats to office. These vital objectives outweigh any obligation to tell the absolute truth. History has shown that even the baldest lie, if repeated often enough, will eventual become the accepted reality. I’m glad that I have the financial resources to implement this historically proven political strategy.”

Romney Explains Impeachment Vote

As the sole Republican vote for convicting President Trump in his impeachment trial in the Senate, Mitt Romney (R-Ut) cited his “conscience” as the basis for siding with Democrats who have been eager to oust Trump since the day he was elected.

“Many in my own Party tried to convince me that there had to be evidence of a crime before a president should be removed from office,” the Senator said. “But my belief in God tells me that, if in my heart I’m convinced he is guilty, I must vote to take him out.”

“The parade of government officials that Rep. Schiff presented, who sincerely believed that Trump’s policies toward Ukraine were wrong was very persuasive,” Romney maintained. “Who, after all, is better positioned to determine our policy toward Ukraine? The career professionals who have been running this policy from long before Trump ever imagined he might become president? Or an outsider who spent his life owning and operating hotels until he unexpectedly was elected president? Based on the plaudits I’ve received from so many since my courageous vote, my conscience tells me I made the right choice.”

Sen. Richard Blumenthal (D-Conn) said “Senator Romney’s historic vote brought tears of joy to my eyes. Given the lackluster roster of candidates for the 2020 Democratic presidential nomination, I think our Party could do a lot worse than to try to snag this man of valor to run on our ticket. I think if we were to look closely at his political history we’d see that his views on government aren’t so different from ours. He did champion an Obamacare-style of health insurance in Massachusetts when he was governor there. Paired with a reliable Democrat like Secretary Clinton, I think he could bring a lot of Republicans over to our side in November.”

Romney thanked Blumenthal for “your kind words” and expressed interest in being on a fusion ticket with Clinton, “but only as the vice-president nominee. I fear that being elected president with Mrs. Clinton as my VP might endanger my life.”

Biden Denounces Limbaugh Medal of Freedom Award

Democratic presidential candidate, former Vice-President Joe Biden denounced President Trump for awarding the Medal of Freedom to talk radio legend Rush Limbaugh, calling it “a travesty and stain on American history. I don’t think he understands the American code of decency and honor.”

“President Obama awarded me with this medal in 2017,” Biden remembered. “Compared to me, what has Limbaugh done to advance the cause of freedom? For more than 30 years he has been loudly on the wrong side of every social, political, and economic issue. He believes that people ought to work to support themselves, that babies shouldn’t be aborted, that the right to bear arms shouldn’t be infringed, that freedom of speech shouldn’t be limited. I mean, every stand he has taken has been debunked by fact-checkers across the media. Why does he deserve a medal?”

“In contrast, I have made my fortune in service to the public sector,” the former Veep boasted. “I started with nothing and after more than 40 years in government I was not only able to enrich myself, but I gave a hand up to everyone in my family—my brothers, my children. Limbaugh doesn’t even have any children. He’s not a hard-body like me. He’s doughy and unattractive. I could easily best him at push-ups or beat the snot out of him in a fist fight. He and I aren’t in the same league. Awarding him the Medal of Freedom taints those of us who truly earned ours.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

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