By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
Democratic presidential contender and former New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg lamented that “the $400 million I’ve had to spend on my campaign shows how inefficient the process is. Not only am I out a huge chunk of change, but TV viewers across America are having their homes flooded with my ads. There has to be a better way.”
What a better way might look like, according to Bloomberg, is “like we do it in the business world. When a man with resources sees a company being run ineffectively he buys the owners out. Both sides benefit. The incompetent owners get paid and a better management is installed. Look, the other candidates running for the Democratic presidential nomination have no realistic hope of winning. The sensible option for them would be to agree to drop out in exchange for a generous payment from me. Today, I’m announcing that whoever drops out first will be gifted—so it’s tax-free–$20 million in cash. Whoever drops out second will get $19 million and so on until the field is cleared of dead wood.”
The already-dropped-out Andrew Yang was the first to accept Bloomberg’s offer, saying “think of how many families I can give $1,000 a month to with this gift.” However, Bloomberg quickly pointed out “you already dropped out for free. Only those still in the race, like that fat broad from Minnesota, the preachy Pete, and malarkey Joe are eligible.”
The former Mayor acknowledged “there may be a lot of caterwauling from the attention hounds and their media running dogs, but I think the common people will appreciate my approach. Rather than being tasked with a decision they aren’t qualified to make, they will enjoy the kind of improved product or service that occurs in the corporate world when bad leadership is replaced by superior leadership via the buy-out method.”
In related news, Marquette University political science professor Julia Azari called for “allowing elites to have a bigger say in how we choose who governs us. If the 2016 election proved anything it was that letting people’s votes decide who becomes president is too risky. That’s what gave us Trump. The better model was the ‘super delegate’ system used by the Democrats to ensure that the most qualified person got their Party’s nomination. I think what we should do now is replicate that approach for the general election. Let people cast votes to generate a list of potential presidents. Then have those with the most relevant experience—government employees—have the final say on who becomes their next boss.”
Cal Gov Proposes “Prescriptions for Houses”
Gov. Gavin Newsom (D-Calif) is proposing to solve the homeless problem in his state by authorizing doctors to prescribe housing. “Having a comfortable and safe place to live is just as important to a person’s health as insulin or antibiotics,” he asserted. “Armed with a prescription from a doctor, a homeless person could then draw upon Medicaid resources to either buy a home or pay rent.”
Newsom called his idea “pure genius. Right now, there is no legal mandate for guaranteeing housing for the homeless. Ten million Californians, one in four, suffer from some type of behavioral health condition. This includes virtually all of the homeless. By authorizing doctors to prescribe housing for these unfortunates, we turn it into a human right. This will sweep aside all legitimate objections to spending whatever it takes to see that everyone has a home by simply saying ‘doctors’ orders’ to all those who oppose this desperately needed action.”
In other California news, Assembly members Lorena Gonzalez (D–San Diego) and Christina Garcia (D–Bell Gardens) introduced a bill that would require adult entertainers to obtain a business license and complete a state-mandated training course before being allowed to ply their trade. Gonzalez explained that “pornography is the fastest growing form of entertainment in America. It is time for the government to step in to ensure that the quality of this entertainment doesn’t get diluted by poorly trained performers. The regulations implemented by our bill will prevent this from happening.”
Sanders Defends His “Better off 45 Years Ago” Claim
Though a record high 90 percent of Americans say they are satisfied with their lives, Democratic presidential candidate Sen. Bernie Sanders (Vt) claimed during the Nevada debate that “workers are not.” When all compensation is considered—including wages and benefits—the returns on work are about 45% higher than they were in the 1970s. Back then, more than 40% of a family’s income was spent on food and clothing. Today, less than 20% is spent on these items. Life-expectancy has also increased by 6 years, occupational fatalities declined from 14,000 per year to 5,000, and child mortality rates have declined by 70%–all pretty good measures of improved well-being.
Sanders himself seems to be much better off than he was 45 years ago. Despite never having held a serious job, he is a millionaire, owns a $1.2 million home in Vermont, a $575,000 house on the shore of Lake Champlain, and a townhouse in Washington, DC worth an estimated $560,000. Considering he was kicked out of a commune in 1971 for being lazy, he’s done remarkably well for himself since then.
The Senator challenged the assumption that mere financial gains or longer life-expectancy “is an adequate measure. Forty-five years ago there was still a Soviet Union. The existence of this workers’ paradise served as a beacon of hope for humanity. Its collapse in the 1990s extinguished that beacon. Not only am I the only presidential candidate to publicly recognize that, I am the only one who can credibly promise to transform this country into a new beacon of hope for the grand vision of a communist future for the world.”
Elsewhere on the Sanders campaign trail, the Senator exploded with rage at NBC and MSNBC executives for their “unfairly negative coverage” and warned that “when I’m president, news casts will tell the truth or face the consequences. The people have the right not to be told lies. I will enforce that right by prosecuting the liars and shutting down dishonest TV stations like yours.”
Trump Appeals to “Debased People”
Political, legal and ethics expert, former CIA Director John Brennan declared that “President Trump has the backing of a very debased group of people.” His evidence, such as it is, was Trump’s public criticism of the dual legal standards being applied to liars.
“For Trump to imply that the same laws should apply to sainted public servants like James Comey and low-lifes like Roger Stone is outrageous,” Brennan said. “What people forget is that law enforcers like Comey are explicitly granted the right to lie if, in their opinion, it is necessary to entrap bad actors. The universal consensus of those of us serving President Obama was that Trump is definitely a bad actor. Consequently, anything Comey, McCabe, Strzok, and others chose to do to protect the nation from him was, and still is, permissible.”
”Stone, on the other hand, is just a private citizen and has no right to obstruct law enforcement officers by lying to them,” Brennan asserted. “He needs to go to prison for as long a term as possible to serve as an example to others who might be tempted to interfere with what we in government are trying to do to impose order on society. Trump’s objection to this is further proof of his guilt in the so far successful effort to seize power by defeating the far more deserving and competent Hillary Clinton in 2016.”
In related news, Obama’s Attorney General Eric Holder castigated investigative reporter Paul Sperry for exposing the possible biases of Molly Gaston, the DOJ attorney who declined to prosecute Andrew McCabe for leaking and lying. “Criticizing government for reaching different decisions about which lawbreakers to prosecute and which to let go as Sperry has done is an abuse of freedom of the press,” Holder contended. “In such instances, reporters have the right to remain silent and should exercise this right by shutting the Hell up.”
Dem Not Impressed by Record Low Black Unemployment
House Majority Whip James Clyburn (D-SC) dismissed the record-low black unemployment under President Donald Trump, calling it “unimpressive. Since when is forcing an increasing percentage of African-Americans to support themselves by taking jobs an improvement in their condition? The whole point of President Johnson’s Great Society initiative was to spare as many as could be spared from the drudgery of working. Let’s not forget that under slavery African-Americans were fully employed. I just can’t see Trump’s move toward recreating that situation as a good thing.”
Bill Will Force Home-Schoolers to Use State Lessons
Mississippi state Rep. John Hines Sr. (D-Greenville) has introduced legislation that would compel parents who home-school their children to use the same state-approved lessons that public schools use to teach History and American Government.
Hines claims that “home-schoolers have too much freedom to teach their own children. The result is that these children are being denied their appropriate place among the collective body of students. They will have non-conforming opinions and beliefs that will increase the chance they will become social and political misfits. My bill will save these unfortunate children from that fate by either forcing their parents to replicate the teaching done in the public schools or convincing them that they may as well send their children to the public school where they will be properly instructed on what to think.”
Mississippi Center for Public Policy (MCPP) communications director Brett Kittredge opposes the bill, calling it “an infringement on parental rights. It is our position that parents have the strongest motives for wanting to do what’s best for their own children. Those that choose to home-school take on the considerable burden of educating their children. Their reasons for doing this stem from dissatisfaction with how the public schools will educate their children. Forcing them to replicate what goes on in the public schools does nothing to overcome the deficiencies that led to the decision to home-school. Considering the widely known failures of public schools there is no mandate for the coercion this bill envisions.”
“The very fact that there is opposition to my bill shows why it is needed,” Hines argued. “We need to cultivate a common set of values and beliefs among our children. The easiest way to achieve this is for all to be taught the same material in the same way. This will lessen disagreements and produce more harmony. Allowing home-schooling was a mistake. Ideally, all children should go to the same schools where they can learn the same lessons. We can at least mitigate the damage done by home-schooling if we control what parents are allowed to teach.”
Meanwhile in neighboring Alabama, Rep. Rolanda Hollis (D) has introduced legislation that mandates involuntary sterilization of men who have either reached the age of 50 or have already fathered three or more children. Hollis calls her bill “a sensible step toward reducing the need to abort so many children. Personally, I’d favor castration as the best way for ensuring that a man could not cause an unwanted pregnancy, but my bill mercifully allows the targeted men to opt for vasectomies.”
Biden May Rule Out Second Term
Former Vice-President Joe Biden promised not to run for a second term “if I’m demented when the time comes to begin campaigning.” His statement meant to reassure voters reminded many of his seeming dementia on current campaign stops. Rival presidential contender former South Bend Mayor Pete Buttigieg pointed out that “forgetting where you are and angry outbursts are classic signs of dementia. If he wants to keep his promise not to inflict the country with a mentally challenged president he should drop out of the 2020 race.”
Meanwhile, in a bid to shore up his appeal to black voters, Biden told a small gathering at a South Carolina “Five-and-Diner” that he and America’s UN Ambassador Andrew Young were arrested and tortured by South African police when they tried to visit Nelson Mandela in the late 1970s. “I knew the risks going in, but I was determined to pay tribute to this great African leader,” Biden recalled. Ambassador Young acknowledged going to South Africa with Biden around that time, but denied that either of them was arrested or tortured.
A Satirical Look at Recent News
John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.
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