By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
Apprised of incidents in which children have been playing inside the homes of friends in their neighborhood, Michigan Gov. Gretchen Whitmer (D) has issued an immediate cease and desist decree. “Stay-at-home means stay at your home,” she explained. “A neighbor’s home is not your home. Neither you nor your children may enter any home other than your own. Violators are subject to fine or imprisonment. For those who imply that I’ve gone too far, let me remind them that Dr. Michael Ryan, epidemiologist and executive director of the World Health Organization’s Health Emergencies Program has recommended forcibly removing family members who represent a health threat to the household. I still have that option in my back pocket.”
In Massachusetts, police ticketed people participating in a church service while seated in their cars for violating the State’s “shelter in place order.” While this was happening Superior Court Judge Heidi Brieger ordered that convicted child rapist Glenn Christie be released from jail “so he won’t die of the coronavirus. Mr. Christie didn’t kill the child he repeatedly raped. He wasn’t sentenced to death. His continued incarceration during this pandemic violates the Constitution’s prohibition of cruel and unusual punishment.”
In Virginia, the Lighthouse Fellowship on Chincoteague Island was fined $2500 for holding a church service for 16 parishioners. Though the 16 were each kept more than ten feet apart in the 293-seat church, a spokesman for Gov. Ralph Northam (D) justified the penalty on the grounds that “the Governor has banned all gatherings of more than ten people, no matter how far apart they may be. The issue is whether people do or don’t obey the rules laid down for them by the State. If they don’t they should expect to be punished.”
In Pennsylvania, Gov. Tom Wolf (D) ordered police to confiscate ventilators from hospitals that had the foresight to be prepared for a medical emergency so they can be transferred to hospitals that did not prepare. Since there is an existing Statewide Mutual Aid Agreement that already provides for assistance among health care organizations to support each other in times of supply, equipment, and/or staffing shortages, many questioned the need for Wolf’s intervention. Wolf explained that “I need to be seen as a decisive leader during this crisis. Ordering people to do something that they’re already doing is a non-obtrusive way for me to get the visibility I need to bolster the voters’ confidence in my role.”
In Vermont, Gov. Phil Scott (R) has ordered stores to stop selling vegetable seeds because “they are nonessential.” He discounted claims that customers needed the seeds to grow their own food, calling them “unqualified. They don’t have ag degrees or any prior experience. Growing food should be left to professional farmers. All others can buy food at the supermarket like normal people do.”
In Los Angeles, Mayor Eric Garcetti is implementing a “snitches get riches” program “to incentivize neighbors to rat each other out for violating my stay-at-home order.” Garcetti contrasted his “more humane approach to the type of intimidation that was so successfully deployed in the former Soviet Union. We will get similar results—widespread obedience—with less bloodshed. Many residents hate their neighbors. This will give them an opportunity to turn that hatred into cash while making the community a better place.”
Biden Shows Trump How to Be Presidential
Invigorated by rival Sen. Bernie Sanders exit from the race for the Democratic presidential nomination, former Vice-President Joe Biden turned his attention to the general election with a flurry of health policy initiatives that he says “will differentiate me from the failed incumbent.”
“Statistics show that more men than women are dying from the coronavirus,” he observed. “Yet, at the same time sex-change surgery has been classified as ‘elective’ rather than ‘essential’ medical care. One of the first actions I will take as president will be to reclassify these surgeries as ‘essential.’ Men should have the option to increase their chances of surviving the pandemic by becoming women. I will ensure that they have this option.”
In place of what he called “the ineffectual measures Trump has taken toward this virus. I have recruited Dr. Ezekiel Emanuel, the genius behind Obamacare, to head up my administration’s medical task force. He has some refreshing and innovative ideas that will totally transform the way we deliver health care in this country.”
One of Emanuel’s “refreshing ideas” is that “no one should want to live past the age of 75. Very few have much to offer society past this age. Most are a net drain on resources. Inasmuch as the coronavirus pretty selectively kills off those older than 75, letting the disease take its course will reduce the burden of having to care for so many individuals of low social value.”
Emanuel also urged that “we should relish the opportunity that the economic shutdown currently in place has given us to test out a radical restructuring of the way we live. By eliminating all nonessential production we have reduced the number of persons who have to work for a living. Only a small minority is required to operate the essential functions. The needs of the many can be met by the toil of the most able and energetic few. Labor-free leisure as a lifestyle for the vast majority is now within our grasp. That vast majority will provide the votes that make the Democratic Party the permanent ruling Party in this country.”
Planned Parenthood Launches Tele-Health Service
While some governors have declared that abortions are an “essential” service that must remain open during the shutdown, others have declared that abortion is a “nonessential” elective surgery. In an effort to overcome the ban on abortions in some states, Planned Parenthood is providing a “do-it-yourself” instructional video service.
“In this time of pandemic it should be clear that getting an abortion is more necessary than ever,” said PP spokesperson Adora Slaughter. “Elective surgeries are procedures that can be postponed without harm. A postponed abortion, though, leads to irreversible harm. An unwanted baby will inevitably be born within a matter of months in every case and have negative ripple effects for decades.”
“In states where we are not permitted to continue this vital health service at our abattoir facilities, patients will be able to view our video tutorial and, with the aid of a don’t-want-to-be-father, perform the procedure at home,” Slaughter advised. “In some important ways, the procedure is simpler than a lot of the recipes that cooking shows lead viewers through as they recreate the tasty dishes of master chefs. For one, the finished product doesn’t have to come out whole. A piece-by-piece extraction can satisfactorily do the job. It may be messier than hiring professionals to do the work, but it allows a woman to accomplish her objective on her own.”
Fauci Defends Exaggerated Death Forecasts
A recent study conducted in an early “hot spot” of COVID-19 in the Gangelt district of Heinsberg concluded that the actual death rate was 0.37%–one-fifth of Germany’s officially reported numbers. In Minnesota, Dr. Scott Jensen says he received a 7-page Center for Disease Control document coaching him to fill out death certificates in a way that overstates the number of COVID-19 deaths. He also suggested that the payment rules giving a hospital a “bonus” for attributing a death to this virus might also skew the official data.
White House adviser Dr. Anthony Fauci brushed aside the above reports, calling them “anecdotal and unreliable. Whether they might be true isn’t as important as the fact that they do not convey the message we were trying to communicate that the population needed to be sequestered in order to slow the spread of the disease. Do you think people would’ve willingly yielded their freedom of movement if they knew that the chance of dying from this virus was less than half of one-percent and that most of that was comprised of elderly persons with prior severe health issues?”
“It was imperative that we shock people into obedience to directives that under normal circumstances would’ve been considered extreme and even tyrannical,” Fauci explained. “It was for their own good and for the good of society. We flattened the curve and have spread the inevitable death toll over many months rather than have had it compacted into a shorter time frame. This extended many eventual victims’ lives by a few months. Isn’t that a valuable achievement?”
“We are also able to enjoy the benefits of lower traffic and less automobile pollution during the shutdown,” the Doctor pointed out. “Maybe people will come to realize that being shut in their homes isn’t all bad if it means we can have cleaner air and a cleaner environment. Maybe they will realize that having to work so hard just so they can buy more useless stuff isn’t as appealing as enjoying more leisure and a more modest lifestyle living on a government stipend. This pandemic gave us the chance to experience a new way of life that we may find is better than the old rut everyone was forced into under capitalism.”
Pelosi Refuses to Condemn Looting
Many of the “nonessential” businesses in House Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s hometown of San Francisco have been looted. Others are boarding up all their windows in a desperate attempt to discourage looters.
Pelosi averred that “we shouldn’t be too quick to condemn people who are only trying to survive in tough times. Unemployment is at heights we haven’t seen in decades. Many have no incomes. On top of this, when times were better many of these businesses were price-gouging. So, I can see where there might be pent up anger driving some of the expropriations taking place.”
“I would advise people to take the time to consider whether what they call looting isn’t justifiable redistribution of property,” she recommended. “Who should own the goods hidden behind the boarded-up windows? Those who have legal title under our antiquated laws? Or those who need them? The only problem I see is that the do-it-yourself redistribution is inefficient. A lot of the merchandise gets damaged. Some who lack the skill to take what they need are left out of the redistribution attained by the looters. The Democratic Party has been aware of the inequities and inefficiencies inherent in our current economic arrangements for decades. If voters give our Party a majority in Congress and control of the presidency this November we can fix these problems.”
Schiff Demands FEC Fine Trump Campaign
While front line health professionals are waging a 24/7 battle to care for COVID-19 patients, the Trump campaign has been using donated funds to buy meals to feed some of these workers. Rep. Adam Schiff (D-Calif), leader of the recent attempt to impeach and remove President Trump from office, is demanding that the Federal Election Commission penalize the campaign for “this misappropriation of campaign funds.”
“Campaign funds are supposed to be used for campaign activities, not acts of benevolence,” Schiff complained. “Donors give campaign contributions expecting that it will be used to win elections or purchase favorable laws or policies. The sort of deviation that the Trump organization is engaged in is unfair to those of us who follow the rules.”
Schiff expressed the hope that “the FEC will come down hard on these guys. Maybe fines triple the amount they spent on the donated meals, ankle-bracelets for the campaign staff guilty of this infringement, and phone-taps to help deter future repetition of any similar illegal uses of funds. Meanwhile, I will be adding this charge to the next impeachment motion the House files against President Trump.”
Brad Parscale, manager for Trump’s 2020 reelection campaign, dismissed Schiff’s accusation as “pure nonsense. We are not only campaigners for Trump. We are also human beings. We are confident that the people who have donated to the President’s reelection approve of our effort to show appreciation for those busy saving lives during this health crisis. Our donors are also normal human beings. I shudder to imagine what kind of people donate to the campaign of someone as vile and reprehensible as Mr. Schiff.”
Democrat Denounced for Praising Trump
Michigan Democratic state Rep. Karen Whitsett praised President Trump for mentioning hydroxychloroquine. “It saved my life,” she said. “If he hadn’t talked about it on TV I never would have known to ask my doctor to prescribe it for me.”
Michigan’s Democratic Gov. Gretchen Whitmer expressed extreme displeasure “with Ms. Whitsett’s selfish behavior. The Democratic Party is battling to save the country from this monster getting reelected. The last thing we need is for one of our own to break ranks and praise him for anything.”
“First of all, there is no proof that this drug saved Ms. Whitsett’s life,” Whitmer argued. “Dr. Fauci, the nation’s foremost expert on coronavirus, says that the drug is unproven and dangerous. But even if it did, Ms. Whitsett putting her own survival ahead of the Party’s needs is unforgivably disloyal. She should have died before she said anything to undermine our Party’s primary objective. I just hope her words are forgotten by election day.”
Did China Burn Virus Victims Alive?
Residents of Wuhan, China claim to have heard the screams of coronavirus victims being burned alive in the local funeral home crematorium. While there is no official confirmation of this happening, it would account for the gap between the government’s admitted 3,000+ deaths and the seeming disappearance of more than 20,000 individuals from the town since the epidemic began.
On the other hand, Tedros Adhanom, head of the World Health Organization credited “the Chinese Government’s extreme intervention for crushing the epidemic. They didn’t hesitate to confine people in their homes, even going so far as to weld them inside if necessary. Did they burn anybody alive? Possibly, but sometimes harsh methods are warranted by dire circumstances. So I wouldn’t be so hasty to condemn them if they did.”
“I ask that critics compare China’s firm approach with the weak actions of Trump,” Adhanon urged. “Trump merely asked people to wash their hands and socially distance themselves. He didn’t order them to do anything. He even suggested that patients and doctors should have the freedom to try unproven therapies. What he should have done is made everyone wait until a vaccine is ready and mandate that everyone take it, like his adviser Dr. Fauci wants to do.”
The earliest a vaccine is expected to be available for combating the COVID-19 virus is twelve to eighteen months. Based on past experience with flu vaccines, it is unlikely that a vaccine for COVID-19 would be effective for most recipients.
Satirical Look at Recent News
John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.
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