By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
Irked that Californians are starting to flout his demand that they stay at home, Gov. Gavin Newsom (D) announced the release of seven prisoners into the Orange County area. Orange County District Attorney Toff Spitzer objected to the action saying “these kinds of high-risk sex offenders are the most dangerous kind of criminal and the most likely to re-offend.”
“That’s precisely the reason why these inmates were selected for release,” Newsom said. “Look, fear of COVID has diminished to the point that thousands of people in Orange County have defied my ban on going to the beach. Let’s see if fear of being assaulted or raped by one of these newly released sexual predators will be so easily ignored by beach-goers.”
Spitzer called the Governor’s view “insane. Protecting law-abiding people from being harmed by criminals is the fundamental duty of government.”
Newsom countered by asserting “well, these are crazy times we live in. The unprecedented threat posed by the virus has forced us to go outside the fundamental bounds of government and pioneer a new social order. Who’s to say that injecting a social pathogen into the community isn’t the right remedy? Besides, it’s only temporary. I’m pretty confident that all of these released prisoners will be rearrested within a few weeks. I’m hoping that by then the need for terror will have subsided.”
Obama Violates “Stay-at-Home” Order
Former President Barack Obama violated Virginia Gov. Ralph Northam’s stay-at-home order by sneaking out to play golf. He also embarrassed his wife whose broadcast message urged folks to “remember, we urge you to stay home except if you need essential health care, essential food or supplies, or to go to your essential job.”
Barack defended his golf outing contending “it was essential health care. Michelle’s great and I love her, but being cooped up at home day after day is very stressful. Besides, what activity could be more socially distancing than golf. I can’t understand why Gov. Northam banned it. In any case, as one who has served his country at the highest level, I think I deserve a few perks to help me through these extraordinary times. If my Secret Service detachment didn’t agree, I’m sure they wouldn’t have let me out of the house, much less accompany me for the full 18 holes.”
Northam announced that “I have already issued a pardon for President Obama. A hero of his stature must not be held to the same standards as the frightened cowards who are meekly obeying my dictates.”
FBI Documents Exonerate Flynn
Previously withheld FBI documents related to the Agency’s case against Gen. Michael Flynn were uncovered this week. On the one hand, exculpatory evidence that had been denied to Flynn’s attorneys was revealed. On the other hand, an illegal plot designed to entrap the General was documented.
James Comey, FBI Director at the time these illegal actions were taken, maintains that “these were standard procedures. When the Agency has an opportunity to take down a bad guy, every option to accomplish the job is in play. We brainstormed a few ideas, got the okay on a course of action from President Obama, and proceeded to carry it out. We got within inches from the goal line—we pressured Flynn into entering a guilty plea and would have had him behind bars—but the late substitution of Sidney Powell for his original defense team stopped us short. Still, I believe it was a worthy effort in a good cause.”
Meanwhile, former Director of National Intelligence James Clapper reiterated his “just following orders defense” by reminding everyone that “we were only doing what President Obama told us to do. We had no choice. He was the Commander-in-Chief. We had a legal obligation to obey.”
Biden Denies Sexual Assault Allegation
This week, former Vice-President Joe Biden went on MSNBC to answer questions about Tara Reade’s accusation that he sexually assaulted her in 1993 when she worked for him in his senate office.
Biden insisted that “it never happened. I think I have a good feel for where the boundaries are when it comes to touching women. I know I have been filmed sniffing, stroking, and nuzzling women and girls thousands of times, but I can say unequivocally, that I’ve never been filmed groping, fondling, or raping any of them. I’d say that the weight of this evidence proves I’m not guilty.”
The presidential candidate rejected the idea that he make his personal Senate papers archived at the University of Delaware available to be searched, saying “my staff has already searched these papers and assures me that no meaningful documents can be found there.” Instead, he maintained that “the National Archives is where the records of all the crimes committed by every government official are deposited. If anything is to be found, it will be there.”
John Valceanu, director of communications for the archives, said he is “confident that no such documents are in our possession. All complaints lodged against senators are kept by the Senate.” Secretary of the Senate Julie Adams declined to confirm or deny Valceanu’s claim, insisting “we have paid good money to keep accusations private. Unless there is a court order, any information we have will remain private.”
In related news, former Senator Chris Dodd (D-Conn) has been fingered by Biden to head up the search for his vice-presidential running mate. “Chris has the kind of experience that will be critical in selecting the woman who will best fit the role I have in mind for my vice-president,” Biden said. It wasn’t clear whether Biden was referring to the 1985 incident at the Washington, D.C. restaurant, La Brassiere where Dodd was the bottom slice of the “waitress sandwich” he and Senator Ted Kennedy (D-Mass) formed with a restaurant employee.
Clinton Plan to Boost Employment Partially Leaked
Citing the “unprecedented opportunity presented by the COVID crisis,” the Clinton Foundation is working on a plan to employ the 30 million who have lost their jobs due to the shutdown as government spies. Participants in developing this plan include former President Bill Clinton (retired sexual predator), Governor Andrew Cuomo (nursing home murderer), Chelsea Clinton (beneficiary of nepotism), and Governor Gavin Newsom (Chinese dupe).
“Obviously, we can’t sustain an economy where tens of millions are permanently unemployed,” Cuomo said. “But we can’t go back to the way it was before the COVID pandemic. In New York City Mayor de Blasio has already started paying $57,000 a year to hire spies. It seems to me that there might be a large pool of individuals ready and willing to do this on a long term basis. I think if we could expand this to a nationwide program we could sop up employees who’ve been discharged from nonessential businesses and fulfill the continuing need for surveillance to enforce the new normal.”
“I can confirm Andy’s perspective,” Newsom added. “Snitches have been very effective in my state. If even a single individual sets foot in a closed area like a beach or hiking trail, informers will alert the police and an arrest can be made. The fines imposed on violators will be used to help make up for revenue shortfalls due to all the closed businesses.”
“So you’re saying that all the jobs lost in the nonessential sector can be offset by creating these new jobs spying on neighbors?” Bill asked. “That doesn’t seem possible.”
“I don’t think we’re saying that domestic spies will be the only newly created jobs,” Cuomo answered. “There’ll have to be records clerks, supervisors, regional managers, etc. And since we’re creating a permanent class of new crimes we’ll need that infrastructure to be built and manned—police, judges, prison guards, wardens. We’ll probably also have to invest more in a media campaign to ensure that the hysteria level is maintained. This will create even more new jobs.”
Movie Pans Green Energy
Filmmaker and Bernie Sanders supporter Michael Moore’s new movie “Planet of the Humans” characterizes so-called green energy as just another crony capitalist scam. “We went into this project hoping to prove the superiority of green energy,” Moore said. “We found out otherwise.”
“Consider, the solar panels needed to generate electricity are made with metallurgical coal and require 16 times more materials in the form of cement, glass, and steel than do nuclear plants, and create 300 times more waste,” Moore observed. “Then there are the renewable bio-fuels that are produced using tractors that run on diesel, use water pumped by electricity, most often from fossil fuel power plants, and are delivered to distilleries powered by electricity with trucks fueled by diesel. The crops used to make bio-fuels use millions of gallons of water annually and require 400 to 750 times more land to produce the fuel than an equivalent amount of petroleum. The bottom line is: green energy can’t prevent climate change, and those saying it can are profiting handsomely from government green energy subsidies and mandates.”
Climate change guru Al Gore called the film “short-sighted. The issue isn’t whether green energy is more or less polluting than fossil fuels. The crucial objective is to transform society, dethrone the fossil fuel corporate barons, and put a new more socially acceptable elite in charge. The hundreds of millions of dollars I personally have reaped along the way are irrelevant. Moore’s film has seriously undermined the attainment of this objective. I urge all who believe in me to shun this movie and its maker.”
Biden Reveals His Coronavirus Plan
After weeks of negative comments on how President Trump is handling the coronavirus crisis, presumptive Democratic presidential nominee former Vice-President Joe Biden has finally said what he would have done if he had been in office when the pandemic arose.
“In addition to doing everything Trump has done, only faster and harder, I would have lowered the flag to half mast in honor of all those who died,” Biden boasted. “I would have banned travel from China before anyone in the US got the virus. Then I would have immediately canceled all mass gatherings at sporting events, churches, concerts, and anywhere else. Unlike Trump, I would have stopped all nonessential activities and ordered everyone to shelter at home rather than leaving it up to governors to do this dirty work. Most importantly, I would have reunified the nation like President Johnson did after the Civil War.”
Biden’s plan got an “across the aisle” endorsement from Sen. Mitt Romney (R-Utah). “I was greatly encouraged to see that the former Vice-President and I are on the same page regarding the proper COVID response plan. I guess great minds really do think alike.”
Michigan Gov Shuts Down Improvised Drive-in Theater
Canterbury Village’s plans to set up an improvised drive-in movie theater with 20′ by 20′ spaces for each car and the audio broadcast over a local FM radio station were halted by megalomaniac Gov. Gretchen Whitmer (D).
Whitmer explained that “the legislature granted me absolute power to handle the COVID crisis as I see fit. One of the things that I have shutdown across the state is movie theaters. Just because the folks at Canterbury Village were able to ensure the required minimum social distancing at their improvised outdoor theater doesn’t mean they get a pass from me. In my view, a few cannot be permitted to evade the suffering imposed on the many just because they are more inventive or clever. As long as I am in charge, until all can see movies, none shall see movies.”
The Governor neglected to mention that the power granted to her by the legislature expired at midnight on April 30. She claims that “once given the power it is mine until I decide to relinquish it. Polls show that 70% of the voters favor my strict controls over them. Given this level of popular support the legislature is powerless against me. I am seen as the only one who is capable of safeguarding the health of every person in the state. For this to work I must have immediate and unquestioning obedience from every resident to every order I issue for as long this virus is with us.”
Docs Say Hydroxychloroquine 91 Percent Successful
A solid refutation of the media meme contending that President Trump is an idiot for suggesting that a malaria drug could be a “game changer” in the battle against the coronavirus was delivered by a report from the Association of American Physicians and Surgeons (AAPS) showing that 91% of 2,333 patients treated with hydroxychloroquine benefited from the drug.
Dr. Anthony Fauci, head of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases, funder of the Wuhan lab experimenting with the coronavirus, and the chief medical adviser to the White House Coronavirus Task Force, downplayed these findings saying that “in my mind this was not a valid test of the therapy. We need to have a test where half of the patients are given this drug and half are given a placebo before I could recommend a widespread reliance on this therapy. If we do this and most of those in the placebo group die, then we will have proof that the therapy is safe and effective compared to no treatment. That’s the scientific ‘gold standard’ comparison that the FDA demands before it will approve a drug for a specific illness.”
AAPS president Dr. Albert Fisher rejected Fauci’s view calling it “a deadly error in the face of a pandemic. Doctors who treat patients must put their patients’ interest ahead of any other concern. The objective is to save the life and restore the health of every patient by using whatever methods seem best. The experience in the field that Dr. Fauci casually dismisses as ‘anecdotal’ shows which therapies are working and which are not. Doctors should quickly adopt what is working. Demanding that lives be intentionally endangered as Dr. Fauci recommends just to satisfy an FDA bureaucratic ‘gold standard’ is medical malpractice.”
After being apprised of the AAPS study, President Trump tweeted “maybe I picked to the wrong guy to advise the task force.”
House Will Not Return to DC
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) has decided “against returning to Washington for the foreseeable future. With so many of our members being in the decrepit geezers cohort of the population, it’s just too dangerous. We’re going to follow Dr. Fauci’s advice and shelter at home until a COVID vaccine is developed.”
The Speaker hastened to reassure concerned citizens “not to worry about us. We’ll be okay. As essential government workers our full salaries continue to be paid. So even the poorest among us will be able to survive for the duration. On top of this, we’ll be saving taxpayers the cost of paying for our travel back-and-forth from our districts to the capital.”
Satirical Look at Recent News
John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.
Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.