By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
In a desperate bid to atone for his previous words and deeds that many are now criticizing as racist, Democratic presidential nominee Joe Biden asserted that “the murder of George Floyd has had a bigger impact on the world than the murder of Dr. Martin Luther King. King ignored the importance of race. He preached that character was more important than skin color. As events subsequent to his death have shown, he was wrong. Putting character ahead of color is white thinking. Nothing is more important than skin color. Fortunately, the murder of Floyd has brought this truth to light.”
“The murder of Floyd has inspired an uprising far bigger than what happened after King was killed,” Biden pointed out. “You know why? King was a follower of Ghandi’s insistence on peaceful protest. That had to have made many of his followers refrain from violence. Floyd also had the good luck to be killed by a cop in full view of a crowd that videoed the event. King was shot from ambush by a nobody that cops later tracked down and arrested. As we can see from the events of the last two weeks, vastly more property has been redistributed or destroyed than in 1968. This year, mayors all over the country have ordered police not to interfere with this. In 1968, mayors were calling for law and order. So, while Floyd was not as learned or eloquent as King, his role will turn out to be much more important. I think he will be the Horst Wessel of the new America we progressives are building.”
In related news, former President Barack Obama praised the George Floyd protests, saying “the talent, and the voice, the sophistication that these young people are displaying makes me feel optimistic about the future. Critics point to property damage to try to discredit the protesters—a bunch of statues were torn down, billions of dollars worth of merchandise was taken, and some buildings were burned. But isn’t this a small price to pay if the destination is social justice? All the statues were of dead white men. All the merchandise was redistributed. And the burned buildings were all cogs in the capitalist machine. From all the favorable reactions we see around the country from political leaders, the media, celebrities, and corporate executives, I’d say the transformation I promised has been boosted into hyperdrive.”
Dems Praise Seattle’s Autonomous Zone
The Capitol Hill Autonomous Zone (CHAZ) in downtown Seattle may become a permanent feature of the community going forward. City council member Kshama Sawant (Socialist Alternative Party) is drafting legislation that would establish the six-block enclave as a “self-governing, police-free micro-community.”
“This ground was conquered by a multi-racial junta of woke youths despite opposition from Mayor Durkan’s horrifically violent police,” Sawant claimed. “This small victory against the forces of racist capitalism must not be thrown away. Forging a new socialist utopia in our midst won’t be easy. Mistakes will be made and atrocities committed. Still, we cannot allow white squeamishness to divert us from our revolutionary goal. All the great revolutionaries—Lenin, Mao, Castro—have had to crush bourgeois objections to the steps needed to consolidate their power. We must now do the same here in Seattle.”
Police Chief Carmen Best is less optimistic about CHAZ’s future, saying “since they’ve walled off their territory our calls for service have more than tripled. Rapes, robberies, and all sorts of violent acts that have been occurring in the area that we’re not able to get to. There are also reports of food shortages. I don’t see how this autonomous zone can go on.”
Sawant called Best’s view “typical white blindness. Every disagreement about sex becomes ‘rape.’ Every disagreement about ownership becomes ‘robbery.’ As for food shortages, they’ve already planted gardens and the ruling junta has issued its list of demands—one of which calls for free food to be sent in from the City. So far they haven’t had to kill anyone. I recommend we give them what they want so that won’t be necessary.”
The Mayor bristled at Sawant’s characterization of her and insisted “I am a big supporter of CHAZ. The looting reminded me of the Boston Tea Party that helped spark the American Revolution. I regard these young people as patriots and will do everything in my power to help them succeed. I am just so jazzed that the Second American Revolution has begun in my City. I hope that my contribution will be worthy enough to merit a statue of me being erected to commemorate it.”
Dems Say Trump Rallies “Too Risky”
President Trump’s plan to resume campaign rallies has been called “too risky” by Democrats. The gist of their criticism is that the packed arena and sports stadiums that have characterized past Trump rallies would spread the COVID-19 virus. This criticism contrasts with the fulsome praise Democrats have heaped upon the George Floyd protests over the past two weeks.
Rep. Val Demings (D-Fla), a rumored contender for the VP slot on the Democratic presidential ticket explained the apparent hypocrisy as “the conflation of two distinctly different activities. At Trump rallies you have thousands of deplorables crammed together in a confined space for hours. Masks are optional. Attendees enter at their own risk. There’s lots of cheering and shouting. This, obviously, is a prime infection environment.”
“The Floyd protests are largely outdoors with only sporadic incursions into stores to grab free stuff,” Demings said. “Windows are quickly smashed. A portion of protesters take their turn to rush in and grab whatever they can and run out to place appropriated items into waiting cars and trucks. Because of the security cameras, everyone is wearing a mask. So, from a COVID standpoint, I’d say the protests are basically safe.”
Former Democratic presidential candidate Sen. Bernie Sanders (Vt) contrasted the two activities as “fundamentally different. Trump’s rallies are irresponsible. There’s no social distancing. People will be allowed to decide for themselves whether to wear masks. This is not the kind of anarchism we want for our future. The Floyd protests against police brutality are progressive action at its finest. People are striking back against oppression, seizing and redistributing property selfishly hoarded by capitalists, and almost all are wearing masks. I will grant that there may be some who risk getting infected when they could’ve stayed safe at home, but revolutions have casualties. Remember, not everyone who fought for Castro’s Cuban Revolution survived. I am proud that our young people are willing to put their lives on the line for the new American revolution.”
Gov. Andrew Cuomo (D-NY) argued that “the key distinction is whether the activity is essential or nonessential. Not only are Trump’s rallies dangerous, they are also nonessential. If Vice-President Biden can campaign from his basement, so can Trump. On the other hand, as I see it, the need to publicly protest the murder of George Floyd is essential. It is also not dangerous. There are more than ten people participating, but it’s not a coherent group. Since it’s a spontaneous gathering the virus has no foreknowledge of where to strike. So, I think that the protesters are unlikely to come down with COVID-19. They are far more likely to get hit by breaking glass, bricks, bottles, or stray bullets—none of which are apt to be as deadly as the virus.”
Dems Sue Over Mail-in Ballot Rule
The Democratic National Committee (DNC) is suing the Arizona secretary of state for tossing unsigned mail-in ballots. Under state law, the envelope containing a mail-in ballot must be signed by the voter. Joshua Boehm of Perkins Coie (the law firm that paid for the bogus Steele dossier used to smear Trump during the 2016 election), is taking the lead in the suit.
Boehm contrasted the unequal treatment of mail-in ballots as grounds for the court to void the Arizona law requiring signatures. “If a signature is suspected of being forged the voter is given an opportunity to come in to offer proof that he is the actual person who signed the envelope,” Boehm pointed out. “Voters who merely forgot to sign the envelope aren’t given the same opportunity. We think this discrepancy needs to be fixed.”
“A process that would be more friendly toward the idea of maximizing voter participation would set the default to automatically counting all votes—signed or not,” Boehm said. “If the Secretary of State feels that any unsigned or seemingly forged ballots have been cast she should be required to conduct a post-election investigation and recommend a fine be imposed for any proven illegally cast ballots. If the State Attorney General agrees he can pursue a conviction in court for any alleged offenders.”
Meanwhile in Michigan, Tony Daunt filed a lawsuit against Michigan Secretary of State Jocelyn Benson alleging that voter rolls have not been properly maintained—in 16 counties there are more registered voters than there are residents of voting age. “Retaining voter rolls bloated with ineligible voters harms the electoral process, heightens the risk of electoral fraud, and undermines public confidence in elections,” Daunt said. Benson dismissed the risk of fraud, saying that “at worst maybe 40,000 illegal ballots might be cast. Making the effort to prevent such a small impact on election outcomes is not a good investment of my time.”
Biden Says Trump “Will Try to Steal this Election”
Democratic presidential nominee Joe Biden told Comedy Central’s Trevor Noah that “there’s not a doubt about it, Trump will try to steal this year’s election. Look, we all know he did it in 2016. October polls showed him behind by double digits and the Billy Bush tape should’ve been the knock out blow. But a few weeks later to everyone’s surprise, he was declared the winner.”
“Since he got away with conspiring with the Russians I expect him to do it again,” Biden alleged. “Rep. Schiff had hard evidence, but the Republicans in the Senate refused to convict Trump after he was impeached. On top of this, Trump is pushing to disqualify as many votes as he can by insisting on voter IDs and injecting unwanted scrutiny of ballot harvesting into the equation. Voting is a human right and shouldn’t be limited to only citizens and a single ballot per person. Non-citizens should have a say in who governs them. And many Democrats are too decrepit or lazy to go to the polls. They should be allowed to sell their proxy to others so their votes won’t be lost.”
Biden went on to warn that “our military may have to remove Trump from office in order to protect democracy. All of us have seen the many retired generals who are expressing concern speak out against Trump. They may have to intervene to forestall another incorrect outcome at the polls.”
In related news, Biden has reportedly shortened his list of prospective running mates, but former Georgia gubernatorial candidate Stacey Abrams is not on it. “I have been waiting by the phone for weeks to hear from Joe,” she lamented. “I wondered, could he have forgotten my number?” A spokesman for the Biden campaigned assured that “we have Gov. Abrams’ phone number, but when her state prematurely broke ranks with all the other Democratic governors by easing the lockdown early it made the rest of them look bad. She had to have realized that this disloyalty to the Party would hurt her VP chances.”
Congressional Candidate Endorses Looting, Arson
Retired Air Force Col. Kim Olson, a Democratic candidate in Texas’s 24th Congressional District near Dallas, came out in favor of the looting and arson that has accompanied many of the George Floyd protests around the country. “In my mind, the ‘pursuit of happiness’ clause in our Constitution, if properly interpreted, allows for looting and arson as a form of political expression,” she argued.
“The police upped the ante by putting snipers on the roofs during the peaceful protests,” Olson said. “The looting and arson were natural responses to that provocation. If people loot, so what? Burn it to the ground, you know, if that’s what it’s going to take to fix our nation. In a just society the President would’ve called for an air strike on the Minneapolis police precinct that nurtured the cop who murdered an innocent man in broad daylight. Hell, I would’ve been the first to volunteer to lead the attack.”
Rachel Perry, Olson’s campaign manager, tried to clean up the candidate’s mess, saying “As a combat vet, Colonel Olson knows first hand the human heartbreak of violence. She knows we cannot use force to fix a systemic problem of undue violence and discrimination perpetrated by those who are sworn to protect and serve. It’s just that sometimes she goes a little crazy when she talks politics.”
Clinton Says Females Are Superior Leaders
Using the COVID pandemic as an illustration, unsuccessful presidential candidate Hillary Clinton boasted that “women are superior leaders. Out of all the governors called upon to deal with the virus the one who stands head-and-shoulders above the rest is Gretchen Whitmer of Michigan. She is my hero.”
“Gov. Whitmer was quicker than anyone else to recognize that ordinary people are incapable of making wise decisions on their own,” Clinton asserted. “She was the first to neutralize individual self-reliance and the most thorough in establishing the widest authoritarian control ever seen in America. Her ruthless enforcement of her executive directives is a model for the rest of us to emulate.”
“Those of us who understand how the world works know that freedom is not a natural way to live,” she added. “Nowhere in the animal kingdom is freedom the natural state. The rule is for the strong to dominate and the weak to submit. Unfortunately for America, the Founding Fathers took a wrong turn in 1776 and established an alien system of individual liberty. Today we have the opportunity to undo that horrible mistake. The experiment with lockdowns during the pandemic showed that the masses will submit if the leaders have the will to dominate. The door to a collectivist utopia is open. All we need is a leader to command us to enter.”
Dems Inadvertently Pay Homage to Slave Traders
What was meant as a gesture of solidarity with the Black Lives Matter claim to represent the interests of African-Americans turned into an ironic joke. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif), Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer (D-NY) and twenty other Democrats wore scarves made of Kente cloth as they knelt for eight minutes and 46 seconds in the Capitol as a tribute to George Floyd. Kente scarves were traditionally worn by the wealthy leaders of the Ashanti tribes of what is now known as Ghana. The ugly truth is that these leaders were major players in the slave trade.
Nevertheless, Pelosi insisted that “the Kente cloth comes from Africa. It was produced by African people. There was no way we could’ve known that it had any role with slavery unless we had checked beforehand. The nit-picking historians are spoiling our intended political coup by raising awareness that didn’t need to be raised and at a very inopportune moment.”
Schumer was even more blunt in his observation that “Henry Ford told us that history is bunk. I’m with him 100 percent on that. The meaning of our demonstration is for us to decide. Whatever association the cloth may have had with slavery in the past is no longer relevant today.”
Satirical Look at Recent News
John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.
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