By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
Gov. Andrew Cuomo (D-NY) vowed he would not permit President Trump to hold any campaign rallies in New York because “it’s politically motivated. The whole purpose of these rallies is to win an election. In my opinion, that’s not a sufficient reason for people to risk getting the COVID infection. Unlike Trump, I care about the lives of his supporters. So, for their sake, I won’t allow any Trump rallies in my state.”
The Governor contrasted “Trump’s irresponsible approach to the campaign with Vice-President Biden’s more considerate and safer campaign strategy. The Vice-President is modeling exemplary behavior by sheltering at home and issuing brief messages via Zoom. These messages have inspired a legion of foot-soldiers who are carrying that message to key locations around America. Racist statues are being torn down, racist businesses are being looted, and racist structures are being destroyed—all without unnecessarily spreading the virus. As all the polls are showing, voters will see and compare these contrasting campaign strategies and cast their ballots for Democrats in November.”
Cuomo went on to pooh-pooh “Trump’s crazy idea that we have to open up the economy. The three months of lockdown in my state showed that we can survive economically without wasting resources on nonessential businesses. Having only the 80% of essential workers providing for the needs of all expands the leisure hours available to 20% of the population. Our most important task now is to improve the sources of amusement and entertainment available for this newly liberated cohort. I believe that a more consistent and widespread obedience of the shelter-at-home orders will allow us to transfer resources from law-enforcement to more fully subsidize video entertainment and usher in a previously unattainable Edenic lifestyle.”
In related news, Cuomo castigated public radio’s WAMC host Alan Chartock for asking whether he would’ve done anything differently seeing how his decision to send COVID-infected patients into nursing homes, saying “Alan, you are parroting Republican propaganda. What’s done is done. Some people died. I can’t change that at this point. I wasn’t the only governor who made a mistake. All we Democrats can do is try to focus the blame on Trump. It would be nice if you were on-board with that rather than falling for GOP disinformation.”
Hundreds of Mail-in Ballot Forms Returned
Knowing that Michigan voter rolls include many ineligible names, State Sen. Ruth Johnson’s (R-Holly) request for evidence of mail-in ballot applications sent to dead, non-resident, non-citizen, or underage “voters” by Secretary of State Jocelyn Benson (D) received hundreds of replies. One from Eric Johnson said he received an application addressed to a former occupant of the home he now lives in who has been dead more than 20 years.
Benson contends that “the return of hundreds of misdirected applications debunks Republican complaints that fraud is a serious threat to our state’s election integrity. Very few elections are decided by margins in the hundreds. This proves that chances that the wrong candidates will be declared winners are exceedingly slim.”
Johnson argued that “Benson’s ‘no harm’ theory is not supported by this evidence. First, not everyone who received applications for persons no longer living at the address, under age, or not eligible would take the effort to respond to my request. Second, people intending to cheat are apt to send in the extra applications and cast the bogus extra ballots.”
Even worse, Benson’s suggestion that application recipients could send a photo of the application attached to an email to their city clerk has further muddled the process. Westland City Clerk and former Democrat state Rep. Richard LeBlanc complained that “some are sideways, some have no barcode showing, most are legible, but all of them are taking an incredible amount of time to print and respond. On top of this, due to the risk of computer malware infection, emails with only an attachment and no message in the text section are not opened.”
Apprised of LeBlanc’s remarks, Benson suggested “we may have to send out a second wave of applications if we are to ensure maximum voter participation.”
Meanwhile, former U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry warned that “attitudes like those of Rep. Johnson are typical Republican efforts to try to suppress turnout. If people can’t change the country via ballots we can’t blame them if they choose bullets. The Founding Fathers did that and we shouldn’t begrudge Antifa and Black Lives Matter for following their example.”
Clinton Says Pandemic Is Trump’s Fault
Twice unsuccessful presidential candidate Hillary Clinton told Sky News’ Kay Burley that “the coronavirus crisis was totally Trump’s fault. If I had been elected there would not have been a pandemic.”
“One of the key differences between Trump and me in 2016 was our differing attitudes toward China,” she explained. “Trump was very unfriendly toward China. He harped on their theft of intellectual property and unfair trade practices. The hostility this engendered motivated the Chinese government’s decision to launch the coronavirus into the United States.”
“In contrast, Bill and I have built a long-term bond with the Chinese government,” she pointed out. “We gave them favorable trade terms—both during Bill’s presidency and my tenure as Secretary of State. They donated millions to the Clinton Foundation. It is inconceivable to me that they would have initiated bio-warfare in 2020 if I were president. It would’ve harmed my reelection chances and risked bringing an unfriendly Republican into office.”
“The lesson to be learned here is that it doesn’t pay to anger China,” she said. “Voters in America will have an opportunity to avoid repeating their 2016 mistake. Vice-President Joe Biden has worked assiduously to ingratiate himself with the Chinese government. They will see him as a true friend and refrain from further attacks on this country if he is elected in November. I pray that voters will make the right choice.”
Meanwhile, Biden has offered free marital advice, urging men “to marry into a family of 5 or more sisters, that way, if the one you chose doesn’t work out you’ll have at least four others to choose from. The odds are that one of them always loves you. You just have to sniff that one out from the others.”
Whitmer Says “Limiting Government Power Is Irresponsible”
Still in the midst of the most wretched tyranny ever imposed on an American state, attorney Katherine Henry has authored the Restore Freedom Initiative, which would amend the Michigan State Constitution in order to avoid a repeat performance by any of the state’s future governors.
Gov. Gretchen Whitmer (D) called the effort to clarify the separation of powers, foundations and functions of government to enhance government accessibility, transparency and accountability, “irresponsible. In times of crisis there isn’t time to debate. A strong leader needs to take action immediately. Fussing over whether laws are passed by the legislature or decreed by the governor wastes precious time. Quibbling over whether a few people are unnecessarily hurt by the emergency decrees I enacted puts the liberty of the few ahead of the welfare of the many.”
Whitmer said she doubted “whether such a foolish amendment could ever be passed” and vowed that “it will never be recognized as law as long as I am governor.”
Pelosi and Bolton Butt Heads
The upcoming publication of former presidential adviser John Bolton’s 600-page novel detailing his year and a half in the Trump Administration has mightily irked House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif). “This is too little, too late,” she complained. “We gave him the chance to testify in our impeachment inquiry six months ago, but he refused. He could have saved the nation from the continued depredations of President Trump. Instead, he let this tyrant escape justice while he hoarded all the juicy bits for his book.”
In his defense, Bolton lambasted “the Speaker’s myopia. Look, we both have the same objective: get rid of Trump, but we must be practical. Testimony under oath would’ve been subject to cross examination and the laws against perjury. This would have severely constrained what I could have said. On the other hand, in my book I’m free to say whatever I want without fear of contradiction or prosecution. Since there were no recordings of the conversations I recount in the book no one can prove they aren’t true. In the four months between now and November 3 the accusations I make will permeate the news cycle and wreak damage regardless of whether they are true or not. I just wish Speaker Pelosi were smart enough to grasp this point.”
The Speaker scoffed at Bolton’s fear of perjury, calling it “excessively pusillanimous. Comey, Brennan, and Clapper all lied to Congress. None of them were prosecuted for it. However, I am not averse to giving Mr. Bolton a second chance to testify before Congress. As a Christian, I believe in redemption. He can still do the right thing.” Bolton, though, urged her not to do that, saying “if she does I’ll have to take the Fifth.”
Supreme Court Overrules Trump on DACA
In a 5-4 decision, the US Supreme Court ruled that President Trump cannot undo President Obama’s executive order awarding privileges to individuals illegally brought into this country by their parents. Writing for the majority, Chief Justice John Roberts explained that “while President Obama had no legal authority to issue the original DACA decree, it can’t be undone without doing immeasurable harm to those who came to rely upon it. It is kind of like ‘squatters’ rights’ where a person illegally takes possession of someone else’s land, but evades detection and eviction for a period of time sufficient to earn a defacto right to keep it.”
“In a perfect world, former President Obama would have followed the law and asked Congress to pass legislation awarding the desired privileges to these illegal residents,” Roberts mused. “However, we don’t live in a perfect world. In our imperfect world, it is this Court’s judgment that the two wrongs of illegal entry and usurpation of the legislature’s power combined make a new right.”
Dissenting Justice Clarence Thomas called the majority decision “mystifying and improper. The purported failure of the Trump Administration to follow administrative law is a ruse. Since President Obama’s original order was unlawful simply canceling it does not require jumping through any bureaucratic hoops.”
Dems Oppose Trump’s “Back-to-Work Bonus” Idea
Some “nonessential” businesses that are trying to reopen are experiencing difficulty in persuading furloughed workers to come back to work. The problem is that the unemployment compensation benefit granted in the Coronavirus Aid, Relief, and Economic Security (CARES) Act is more than the wages that many can earn from working. President Trump has proposed to remedy this by converting the unemployment benefit into a bonus for those who go back to work.
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) called Trump’s proposal “a thinly disguised attempt to reinstitute slavery. He is trying to trick people we have liberated from work. As I have said many times before, unemployment benefits are the key to prosperity. By ensuring people a comfortable living without having to endure unwanted toil, these benefits are a blessing. We were poised to enable nearly 20% of the workforce to permanently live off the weekly CARES stipends. Now is not the time for us to turn back. I will not let a bill that makes work a condition for receiving an income become law.”
New Rules in Seattle
Seattle police Chief Carmen Best did her best to explain the nuances of the law-enforcement responsibilities regarding the Capitol Hill Organized Protest (CHOP) autonomous zone inside the City. Homes and businesses inside the zone have been unable to call in police to respond to crimes taking place.
This, according to Best, “is all according to plan. Under the direction of the Mayor, our officers are required to stay outside the zone and look to see if any crimes are being committed. Officers are not permitted to intervene unless a crime is deemed likely to result in a fatality. But they must persuade the armed border guards of CHOP to let them in.”
John McDermott, who owns an auto shop just outside of the CHOP zone, reports that “police refused to come and arrest a guy who stole money from my cash register and tried to set fire to the building. My son tackled the guy and held him. I called the police 19 times, but they repeatedly refused to send an officer to arrest him. I guess we’re now living in a police-free zone.”
Best denied McDermott’s claim and pointed out that “he still has to pay taxes to fund the police. So, it’s not free. Furthermore, his business is outside of CHOP. So, he’s not in the zone. The crimes committed against his business were not serious and since the perp is a citizen of CHOP we didn’t want to create an international incident over such a minor disagreement over property rights.”
In related news, the CHOP junta is said to be considering rounding up all the white people inside the zone into labor brigades. As one junta member observed “we are going to reverse the slavery the white man imposed on the Black man by taking a payment in-kind.” The proposed payment in-kind follows an earlier decree that white residents of the zone must give $10 in cash to any Black person who demands it.
Liberal Mayor Mugged by BLM Reality
In Washington, Olympia Mayor Cheryl Selby was all for Black Lives Matter until BLM protesters vandalized her home. Her admission that Olympia was “not without sin in this country’s systemic racism. We have not been as welcoming and nurturing to communities of color as we’d like to think.” This statement inspired the vandals to seek out her house and spray paint “BLM,” “racist,” and “abolish” on the walls. Now she’s convinced that BLM is engaged in “domestic terrorism.”
“I realize now that it was easy for me to excuse the damage done in another city to someone else’s home or business,” she contritely admitted. “But when it happened in my neighborhood and my home I saw how frightening it could be for others assailed by large mobs breaking windows, stealing, and setting fires. I was totally duped by CNN’s assurances that the demonstrations were mostly peaceful even though I saw hordes of masked demonstrators on TV throwing bricks, looting stores, and beating up cops. Now I’m convinced we need law and order.”
New York Politicians Vie for “Worst Person” Title
A trio of New York Democrats tried to outdo each other for the state’s “worst person of the week” title.
Rep. Sean Patrick Maloney, co-chair of the Congressional LGBTQ+ Equality Caucus, praised the Supreme Court ruling that the 1964 Civil Rights Act protects lesbian, gay, and transgender workers from being fired. Justice Neil Gorsuch wrote the majority opinion. While Maloney was pleased by the ruling, he said he was “shocked that Gorsuch took a position that was at odds with his prior support for so-called religious liberty, which we all know is a bogus term people use as a pretext for discrimination.”
Rep. Jerry Nadler’s senior adviser Robert Atterbury surreptitiously altered a Democratic Party database to mark Nadler’s two primary opponents—Jonathan Herzog and Lindsey Boylan—as “deceased.” Boylan called the move “a dirty trick aimed at suppressing voter turnout for both Herzog and myself.” Nadler blamed Trump for “creating the negative atmosphere that divides us rather than unites us all behind a common cause.”
New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio welded shut all the playgrounds in the Jewish sector of Brooklyn, calling it “necessary to protect the health of everyone.” New York State Senator Simcha Felder, characterized the Mayor’s action as “discriminatory. Given the fact that children are the least susceptible to the coronavirus and the Mayor’s approval of the mobs of demonstrators marching arm-in-arm to protest the George Floyd murder, there is no logic to shutting down the playgrounds.” After de Blasio refused to reconsider, Simcha Eichenstein, Kalman Yeger, and Felder cut the locks open themselves. De Blasio was livid. “We’re not going to allow people to take the law into their own hands. It just doesn’t work. We will come down hard on these enemies of the people and restore law and order to this rebellious band of outlaws.”
Satirical Look at Recent News
John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.
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