By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
In a move even the creative writers at CNN are finding hard to explain, Democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden’s campaign has taken a dark turn.
First he predicted “a dark winter of disease and discontent” and told voters that “I am the only man qualified to lead America through to the other side.” Then he aired a campaign ad featuring Hitler saluting marching Nazi troops. Then to top it off he shouted “America is dead” through a bullhorn to a paltry handful of supporters at a so-called drive-by “rally” in Iowa. Finally, he bragged that “we have put together, I think, the most extensive and inclusive voter fraud organization in the history of American politics.”
Campaign manager Greg Schultz struggled to put a positive spin on these aberrant remarks, saying that “after seven months of pandemic hysteria the voting public is searching for an appropriate characterization of what the future holds for them. To people who have been largely sheltering in place during this time things look bleak. Joe identifies with their feelings and is trying to communicate in words they will understand.”
“Just the other day Joe saw a video of some Goth youngsters and realized that their dark attitude and outlook on life, their sadness and depression was precisely the way every American should feel at this point in history,” Schultz explained. “His grasp of this concept was the inspiration for turning his campaign in this new direction as we near America’s final destination.”
In preparation for the dark days to come under a Biden Administration, Governor Phil Murphy (D-NJ) signed a bill that will release thousands of prison inmates beginning November 4th. Murphy called the prisoner release “a modest step toward achieving the new reality that a Democratic sweep of the elections will usher in. Combined with defunding the police, the decriminalization of crime that has been pioneered by Gov. Newsom in California, and can be copied by other Democrats around the nation, we will reshape America in ways few thought possible just a few years ago.”
Meanwhile, three Democratic governors—Katie Brown in Oregon, Jay Inslee in Washington, and Steve Sisolak in Nevada have joined Gov. Newsom’s plan “to boycott any COVID vaccine approved by the Trump Administration.” Brown explained that “such a vaccine will give people a false sense of confidence that they can go about their lives without abiding by the Democratic Party’s time-tested directives to lock down, stay home, and wear masks at all times. Joe Biden understands this. That’s why voters need to get on-board with his vision for America’s future.”
Whitmer Explains How She Evades Court Order
Despite the Michigan Supreme Court’s unanimous decision declaring that Democratic Governor Gretchen Whitmer’s attempt to continue a state of emergency after the April 30, 2020 expiration date set by the legislature is illegal, Whitmer has vowed to continue her autocratic rule.
“It’s a very nuanced thing,” she explained. “Technically, I’m not the one issuing the commands. It’s the Department of Health and Human Services. This is similar to the situation that former Vice-President Joe Biden is in vis a vis his son’s business activities. His son may be following Joe’s instructions, but no one can prove it. Joe may be getting a piece of the action, but he can plausibly deny that he has ever received money from a foreign government because Hunter handles the direct links with these foreign governments and generously shares a bit of it with his aging dad.”
“The fact is, President Trump has failed to seize the kind of dictatorial powers that are needed to fight COVID,” the Governor contended. “He is the one who should have ordered the whole country to shut down. He is the one who should have ordered everyone to stay indoors and wear their masks. But he’s not. He’s urging people to go back to work, to live normally, and have fun. That has left others to bear the burden of coercing people to behave the way scientists like Dr. Fauci say they must if we hope to eradicate this disease. The time for life, liberty and pursuit of happiness in this country is past. We must accept lives of pain and privation if we are to beat this deadly menace. Those of us who are willing to impose the necessary pain and privation are the real heroes in this drama. We are counting on voters to recognize this and vote a straight Democratic ticket next Tuesday.”
Higher Education’s Great Triumph
Those who have ever doubted the value of a good education will be surprised to learn that 65% of today’s college students believe that rioting and looting are justified. A poll conducted by Mclaughlin & Associates surveyed a nationally representative sample of 800 college students and found that nearly two-thirds of those responding felt that riots of the sort that have sprung up after black men have been shot by police are warranted “because racism.”
The irony and injustice of such beliefs is evidenced by the fact that those most severely harmed by rioting mobs are often black small business owners. While the idea that black lives matter is valid because all lives matter, the protests launched by the Black Lives Matter organization usually take place in black neighborhoods. Riots and looting in these neighborhoods often follow.
Northwestern University journalism professor Steven Thrasher says that “the theft and destruction of a riot is a tactically reasonable response to the crisis of policing, it is a quintessentially American response, and a predictable one. Property destruction for social change is as American as the Boston Tea Party.”
The big problem with Thrasher’s facile analogy is that the Boston Tea Party was in response to an onerous and oppressive tax on the American people. No one was killed. No stores were looted. No builds burned. The riots that have spouted up across the country this year have been in response to police actions aimed at arresting criminal behavior. The latest riot occurred in Philadelphia after police shot a knife-wielding man named Walter Wallace. As it turns out, Wallace had a 2017 conviction for robbery and assault. He also had a history of mental health issues.
Maybe the police were too hasty in their actions. CNN’s Wolf Blitzer wondered “since there were two officers present, why didn’t one of them take Wallace on in hand-to-hand combat? I’ve seen this scene in many movies. The good guy always wins. In any case, if the officer loses that fight the other officer then could have shot Wallace for murdering his partner. That would be a stronger case for self defense than what actually happened.”
Biden Proclaims Son “Smartest Guy I Know”
Irked by the slightest suggestion that his son Hunter and he have engaged in inappropriate abuses of government authority, Democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden proclaimed his son “the smartest guy I know.”
“Look, here’s the deal,” Biden said. “While all the so-called experts were sitting on their hands, Hunter correctly foresaw that a Biden Administration would take action to phase out the US oil, gas, and coal industries and jail their executives. He took appropriate action. He nailed down foreign sources of these essential resources in Ukraine and China. So, when US supplies dry up because of the heavy taxes and regulations I will enact as president he will be able to swoop in and offer these commodities at much higher prices. Even Russian President Vladimir Putin has called Hunter’s business plan ‘inspired’ and ‘fully legal under Russian law.’ It’s no wonder that the Moscow Mayor’s wife entrusted $3.5 million to Hunter’s care.”
Joe also clarified that “the porn found on Hunter’s computer was a key asset in persuading his Chinese business contacts to become his partners. The Chinese are a highly sexed people. You don’t think their population grew to over a billion without a lusty sex drive, do you? The evidence has been out there in plain sight for centuries, but no one else saw it. Hunter did and he used this insight to gain access to some of the most powerful and wealthy individuals in the Chinese government.”
Biden attributed Republican criticism of his relationship with his son to “jealousy, pure and simple. They wish they had thought of these things before he did. They wish their own sons were as smart and as generous as Hunter is. How many other sons have given their dads millions of dollars they didn’t have to work for? Now they’re trying to twist this wonderful story of genius and affection into a sordid scandal in order to try to turn voters against me.”
CNN’s Don Lemon professed himself “satisfied with this explanation,” but wondered “why did it take so long for Joe to go public with this heartwarming tale of familial love and financial genius?” His CNN colleague Chris Cuomo suggested that “Biden is such a shy and modest man. He probably didn’t want to boast about how lucky he is to have such a great relationship with his son. But the Republicans pushed him into a corner where he had to come out swinging no matter whose feelings were hurt.” “Yeah, that sounds about right,” Lemon replied. “He was trying to spare Trump from realizing that his sons are duds in comparison.”
In related news, Former Arizona Senator Jeff Flake crossed Party lines to endorse Biden for president. “I’ve been a Republican my entire life,” Flake said. “I’ve never voted for a Democrat for president. But this year conscience requires me to do just that. I’m voting for Joe Biden because character matters.”
Twitter, Facebook Blame Russians
In testimony before a Senate hearing this week Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey and Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg both admitted that they had no evidence that the New York Post story about Hunter Biden’s laptop computer was Russian disinformation.
“Why then did you censor the story and block the Post‘s account?” Sen. Ron Johnson (R-Wisc) wanted to know.
“I think we were hacked by a Russian agent,” Dorsey replied. “Let me remind everyone that the Post hasn’t been the only account that has been censored by our platform. Numerous conservative voices have been silenced or muted on Twitter for many years now. I didn’t order any of this. None of my employees would have abused our customers in such a way. Only the Russians would stoop so low. Their history is rife with censorship. There is your ‘smoking gun.’”
“Same here,” Zuckerberg chimed in. “Facebook is a happy and tolerant place for people of all stripes to share thoughts and opinions on any topic they choose. I would never abide it becoming some sort of gatekeeper to exclude anyone’s opinions. Logically, then, it had to be the Russians that hacked and took control of our algorithms multiple times since Trump started running for president. Considering how hard Trump has been on the Russians we shouldn’t be surprised that they would seize whatever means they could to silence the President and his supporters. Frankly, I am amazed by the ease with which they have been able to accomplish taking control over my company.”
“Well, what are you going to do to stop this claimed Russian invasion of your businesses?” Johnson asked.
“What can we do?” Dorsey lamented. “They are so insidious and persistent that it has been impossible for us to stop them. And we aren’t the only ones. We all saw how the Russians completely buffaloed the FBI with that Steele dossier. The Agency spent four years spying on and trying to take down the Trump Administration. To this day Director Wray is still suspicious of Trump and would like to see him ousted from office.”
“I’m with Jack on this,” Zuckerberg agreed. “We have the power to crush any individual who displeases us, but we’re no match for the Russians. In fact, it was the FBI who warned us about a Russian hack before the Post story was published and recommended we revise our algorithms to censor anything negative about the Bidens. We shouldn’t be blamed for the misdeeds of these two powerful governmental entities.”
“Generations Yet Unborn Will Suffer”
Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer (D) warned that if the Senate confirmed Amy Coney Barrett’s appointment to the US Supreme Court “generations yet unborn will suffer. Judge Barrett is inflexibly pro-life in her beliefs. I can’t help fearing that somewhere down the road she will find some way to restrict a woman’s God-given right to terminate the existence of her unborn child’s life. Without access to the merciful option of preventing the live birth of her unwanted child, too many mothers will be forced into a life of servitude to a person who should never have existed. It doesn’t take a great leap of faith to forecast the mental and physical abuse these ‘rescued’ children will face. How much suffering should we, as a nation, be compelled to endure because of the survival of people who were better off dead?”
Schumer went on to point out “the erosion of a woman’s right to abort her unwanted children that we’ve seen in Republican-controlled states across the nation. Some states insist that if a baby targeted to die somehow survives the effort to kill her doctors must then render life-saving care. In other states, there are laws that require persons carrying out abortions to provide pain-killing drugs for the infant before they dismember her body. And perhaps the most diabolical of all, in some states expectant mothers must be given ultrasound images of their baby and wait 48 hours before having it killed. This hodge-podge of encroachments on the sacred act of abortion in state-after-state is anarchy. We must have a nationwide unified policy that secures abortion from any state infringements, limitations, or delays. Today we have a chance to move toward a unified policy if we only have the courage to reject this nomination. Let the incoming Biden Administration appoint a justice who can replicate the late Justice Ginsburg’s unwavering support for abortion. In the dark years and decades ahead abortion may be a vital safety-valve for averting the ills of climate change. Let’s preserve this option for the sake of our children by rejecting this unacceptable nominee.”
Former congressman, Obama adviser, and Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel called Schumer’s speech “eloquent and irrefutable. The Republicans will regret putting Barrett on the Supreme Court. Voters will be so enraged by their refusal to wait and let Biden fill the Ginsburg vacancy that a massive ‘blue wave’ will give Democrats a super-majority in both Houses. Then their worst nightmare will come true. The mandate for socialism will be unstoppable. Businesses will be expropriated. Wealth will be redistributed. Immigrants will be given voting rights. Behaviors will be controlled. Political controversies will be eradicated. Dissenters will be sent to camps to be reeducated. It will be, as Biden says, a dark era, but it will be glorious for Democrats.”
Kanye West disagreed with both Schumer and Emanuel. “Abortion has killed more black people than COVID has,” he pointed out. “Democrats have been hyping up a panic over the pandemic that purportedly has cost over 200,000 lives, but are totally cool with the more than 20 million black babies killed by abortion since 1973’s infamous Roe v. Wade Supreme Court decision. Planned Parenthood was started by Margaret Sanger as a program to reduce the black population. Abortion is the worst tool of racism this country has ever seen. It has taken far more black lives than lynching ever did. President Trump understands this and wants to stop it. Democrats understand this, but want to keep doing it. If Barrett can help slow or stop the carnage, more power to her. Appointing her is a big plus for the President.”
Hillary Attempts to Energize Trump’s Base
In a late bid to encourage as many voters as possible to cast their ballots for Trump, 2016’s losing presidential candidate Hillary Clinton announced that “the mere thought of Trump being in the White House for another four years turns my stomach. I was born to be president. That I’m not is the greatest tragedy the human race has ever experienced. If enough people realize how much I have suffered and write my name in on their ballots they can finally elect the person they should have elected in 2016.
Satirical Look at Recent News
John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program. Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.