By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
Sen. Mitt Romney (R-Utah) chastised President Trump for “recklessly inflaming destructive and dangerous passions. Even if his claim of a stolen election is true, raising that issue at this late date threatens our democracy. Democratic cheating is, as former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich (D) points out, ‘a time-honored tradition.’ Saner Republicans have long realized that this is something we must learn to live with lest we fatality undermine the unity necessary for Democrats to govern.”
“Back in the 1960 election, Richard Nixon was aware that the election was marred by fraudulent votes in Illinois, but decided that for the good of the nation not to contest the election of his opponent,” Romney recalled. “This saved the nation a lot of turmoil and strife. The silver lining was that John Kennedy turned out to be a great president. In the 2000 election George Bush balked at the time-honored tradition. He fought against the Democrats’ attempt to selectively recount ballots in Florida, took the case to the Supreme Court and won. This unleashed eight years of highly contentious relationships between the two Parties.”
“Contentious relationships is an apt description of the four years that Trump has been president,” Romney said. “Haven’t we had our fill of this? Haven’t the America people suffered enough? Once fraudulent votes have been counted it’s too late. There’s no way to extract the wrongly counted from the legitimate votes. I don’t see how Trump’s efforts to try to exclude illegal votes from valid votes can succeed. Asking the Supreme Court to untangle this mess will just drag out the uncertainty and further inflame political animosity.”
Most Extensive Voter Fraud Organization in History
The massive “irregularities” that have cropped up in how Democrats have handled the counting of votes in several crucial “swing states” have cast a cloud of doubt over the outcome of the presidential election. Trump built up massive leads in Michigan, Pennsylvania, and Wisconsin as election day came to an end. After most people went to bed, Democrats got busy implementing what their presidential candidate Joe Biden described as “the most extensive and inclusive voter fraud organization in the history of American politics.”
In Detroit, a fleet of vans delivered 200,000 votes that unanimously went for Biden. Lest anyone become suspicious, the vote counters papered over the windows “to avert people getting an erroneous impression of what is going on inside.” City police abetted the fraud by keeping GOP poll watchers out of the mailed-in ballot processing center.
In Shiawassee County, an extra zero was attached to Biden’s vote total—giving him ten-times the actual number of votes he received. In Antrim County, a “computer glitch” subtracted 6,000 votes from Trump. Sixty-one other Michigan counties use the same computer program. Dominion Voting Systems, the software company responsible for these “glitches” also has contracts to handle ballot counting in Pennsylvania, Georgia, Arizona, and Nevada.
And, as usual, a 14,000-strong cohort of deceased voters in Detroit went 100% for Biden. Gov. Whitmer (D) hailed “the patriotism of these voters whose concern for their country persists even after death.”
In defiance of a state law requiring mailed-in ballots be received before the close of the polls, Pennsylvania Secretary of State Kathy Boockvar unilaterally extended the deadline to three days after the polls closed, waived the requirement that these mailed ballots be postmarked, and instructed poll workers to ignore discrepancies between the named voters’ signatures on file and the signatures on the ballot envelopes. She explained that “these measures were essential. For one, we needed the extra time to find out how many additional votes would be needed to avert an undesirable outcome and for our volunteers to be able to fill in the Biden-Harris bubbles on hundreds of thousands of ballots. And dispensing with the postmark and signature requirements made it impossible to distinguish the post-election ballots from legitimate ballots.”
Poll workers in many districts illegally barred Republican poll watchers from getting near enough to see what was going on despite an explicit court order affirming the Republicans’ right to a “meaningful observation opportunity,” which was defined as “no more than six feet from where the vote counters are doing the counting.” Democratic poll watcher Brian Mchafferty blamed the illegal barring of poll watchers on “corruption at the highest levels in the city of Philadelphia.”
On NBC News, Chuck Todd and Lester Holt agreed that “votes are being manufactured for Biden,” but suggested that “it probably doesn’t amount to more than 20,000 or so,” and expressed “doubt that it would reverse the end result since in Philadelphia Biden appears to be getting the votes of 100% of registered Democrats, 100% of registered independents, 100% of those registered to a third party and 25% of registered Republicans. That math alone tells us that there is no way Trump could win Pennsylvania’s electoral votes.”
In 2019 the Wisconsin Elections Commission (WEC) decided it would ignore a state law requiring the removal of the names of 234,000 people who had died or moved from the state’s voter rolls. WEC Chairwoman Ann Jacobs explained that “just because a person has died or moved out of state doesn’t mean they have no further interest in participating in our elections.”
Like in Michigan, there was a 4 am arrival of over 100,000 votes for the Democratic ticket. In Milwaukee seven wards recorded more votes cast than there are registered voters and in two there were twice as many votes as there are registered voters—a phenomenon that Jacobs attributed to “historically high voter enthusiasm.”
“During most of the campaign Trump mocked my mental capacity, saying I’m not competent to run the country,” former Vice-President Joe Biden recalled. “Now he is reaping the consequences of underestimating me. I told him what we were going to do, but I guess he didn’t take me seriously. I wonder how he feels now having been beaten by the man he called ‘the worst presidential candidate in America’s history.’”
In related news, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) has called for “election reform legislation that will shield the kind of activities that ensured that Joe Biden will be our next president from future criticism.” Specifically, she is advocating nationwide election rules that would require every state to allow all convicted felons to vote, allow voters to register on election day, bar purging people who have moved from voter rolls, mandate unlimited early voting, ban imposing any restrictions or limits on vote-by-mail, block state legislatures from participating in redistricting, and criminalize political speech that might discourage anyone from voting Democrat. “Once these new federal rules are in place the kind of criticisms and challenges we are now seeing from Trump and the Republicans will forever be both futile and illegal,” Pelosi boasted.
GOP Gets Highest Percentage of Nonwhite Votes Since 1960
According to an NBC News exit poll, Trump got 57% of the white vote, 12% of the black vote, 32% of the Hispanic vote, 31% of the Asian vote, and 41% of the other nonwhite votes. The last time a Republican did so well was when Vice-President Richard Nixon ran and lost to Senator John Kennedy (D-Mass).
Rep. Maxine Waters (D-Calif) said “minorities voting for Trump is a reprehensible betrayal by young black voters who put their personal well-being ahead of racial solidarity. Allowing the increased business opportunities, increased employment, and increased wage gains achieved under Trump’s policies to sway how they vote is acting white. This is a terrible way to behave when the majority of blacks depend so heavily on the welfare benefits first secured for them by former President Lyndon Johnson’s Great Society program and repeatedly increased by Democrats in Congress. I will never, ever forgive them for not sacrificing themselves to help their own people and their own communities.”
Pelosi Denounces New Supreme Court Justice
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) tore into Justice Amy Coney Barrett for refusing to answer key political questions during her confirmation hearing. “When Sen. Feinstein (D-Calif) asked her whether she thought Medicare was constitutional she refused to say.”
Barrett’s reply was that “it would be improper for a judge to respond to a hypothetical issue. The role of the courts is to deal with actual cases brought before it. The facts and circumstances of each case are what a court rules on. Without a specific case to adjudicate the courts are not empowered to make pronouncements on the legality of any specific law or policy matter.”
“We need to be able to trust the courts to defend the values that all Americans should hold,” the Speaker insisted. “We shouldn’t have to wait until they adjudicate a case before we find out how they would rule on important issues like abortion, immigration, the environment, or the Green New Deal. I find the kind of reticence expressed by Justice Barrett to be unnerving. How can we transform the nation without knowing in advance how our courts are going to rule? This makes impeaching the ideologically unacceptable judges and replacing them with reliably progressive judges one of the most urgent actions to be undertaken during the first year of the new Biden Administration.”
AOC Calls for Domestic Enemies List
Rep. Andrea Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) is asking for fellow democratic socialists to help her “compile a list of Republicans and other persons who have consorted with Republicans to try to thwart the country’s peaceful transition to socialism. This includes anyone who dares to question the recent election results.”
“The contention that some of the voting counting procedures contradict statutory laws attempts to impose a rigidity that is out-of-step with progressive thinking,” she asserted. “In the midst of the COVID pandemic many state governors awarded themselves special emergency powers to override the authority granted to the legislatures by state constitutions and the US Constitution. This new dictatorship of the proletariat form of governance repudiates the racist Constitution and expedites the pace of our march toward the total equality collectivism envisioned by Karl Marx. No one has the right to resist this march. So it is imperative that we identify our enemies in order to control, punish, and eliminate them for the good of society.”
Satirical Look at Recent News
John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program. Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.