By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
In a bid to further curry favor with a prospective Biden Administration, a group of Never-Trump Republicans and left-wing Democrats calling itself the “Lincoln Project” has published the names and addresses of two lawyers assisting President Trump’s effort to mount legal challenges against the state of Pennsylvania alleging voting irregularities, infractions of state law, and fraudulent ballots.
George Conway, co-founder of the Lincoln Project and merciless heckler of Trump and Kellyanne Conway–counselor to the president from 2017-2020 and George Conway’s wife—averred that “while it may be Trump’s legal right to contest the election in the courts, others may not want to aid and abet him. Trump is a social pariah. Those who associate with him should consider their own best interests. The information we published will enable those concerned with these lawyers’ future the opportunity to save them before it is too late.”
Socialist firebrand Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) is taking a similar approach with her “Trump Accountability Project.” The Congresswoman warned that “all of the people who supported Trump, whether it be helping him to get elected in 2016 or carrying out his fascist policies for the last four years must answer for their crimes.”
In response to criticism that her project “resembles the kind of purges more commonly associated with tyrannical regimes,” she brushed them off, saying that “revolutionary justice isn’t constrained by the out-dated ideas of the bourgeois legal system that has hamstrung progressive policies in this country for far too long. We all know that these people are guilty of crimes against humanity. These crimes may not appear in the statutes, but they are known in the hearts and minds of every decent person. I hope that our courts will show that they are in sync with decency and proceed with a Nuremberg style trial. If they aren’t, the crimes will be punished directly by the people in the streets and neighborhoods wherever these anti-social villains can be found.”
CNN’s Jake Tapper observed that “it would be wise for those who have supported Trump to consider the possible consequences of their past actions. Once Trump is no longer in office there will be no one with the power to protect them from the pent-up rage of the last four years. Honest confessions of wrongdoing and sincere expressions of willingness to atone for what they’ve done is their only hope for reconciliation and mercy under a Biden Administration.”
Dead Voting for Democrats a “Vested Right”
A Public Interest Legal Foundation (PILF) study found that 21,000 deceased voters were illegally kept on Pennsylvania voter-registration lists and may have received vote-by-mail ballots. PILF President and General Counsel J. Christian Adams said “for nearly a year, we’ve been offering specific data on deceased registrants to Pennsylvania officials for proper handling ahead of what was expected to be a tight outcome on Election Day. Voter list maintenance mistakes open the door to fraudulent votes being cast.”
Secretary of State Kathryn Boockvar (D) dismissed the PILF complaint, asserting that “for one, the margin of victory for Joe Biden was more than the possibly illegal 21,000 votes alleged. Second, let me point out that ballots from deceased voters have been a part of the process in our state for many decades. There is a concept under the law known as ‘vested.’ This refers to situations where the mere repetition of a practice over an extended period of time establishes a right to continue the practice. As an example, one-time heavy-weight boxing champion Joe Frazier died in 2011, yet a ballot was cast in his name as recently as the 2018 election. For us to overturn this long-established vested right merely because it seems illegal to our Republican friends would disturb expectations and result in a grave injustice to those who have become accustomed to exercising this right.”
Karl Rove, chief of staff during the George W. Bush administration, echoed Boockvar’s observations, saying that “every election has some hanky-panky going on. We Republicans have learned that we have to live with a bit of Democrat cheating. Dead people casting ballots, boxes of bogus votes being found in the wee morning hours, Republican poll watchers being blocked from viewing poll workers run selected ballots through the counters multiple times, programming the counting machines to switch a percentage of Republican votes to Democrats—these are all part of the normal election process now. If Trump weren’t such an amateur at politics he wouldn’t be making such a fuss over it. He fails to realize that even if we lose we can still get a slice of the pork if we concede and cooperate. The sharing of the loot is what has kept the two Parties so convivial since the days of FDR.”
On the other hand, Trey Trainor, Chief Electoral Officer of the Federal Election Commission (FEC), disagreed with both Rove and Boockvar. “Cheating is never acceptable,” he said. “Decades of unchallenged fraud do not establish a vested right to continue doing it. Blocking poll watchers from having meaningful opportunities to observe the votes being counted is, by itself, sufficient reason to declare the process illegitimate and that’s what I expect the Supreme Court will declare if they hear the case.”
Biden Gets Pope’s Blessing
This week, devout Catholic Joe Biden spoke with Pope Francis and says “I received both his blessing and congratulations on my landslide victory in the election.” Biden described the Pope as “a cool guy. He totally understands the difference between matters of faith and matters of politics.”
“For instance, we both know that government promotion of abortion and suppression of religious activities is wrong from the perspective of the Catholic faith. But we both understand that in a democracy the majority’s will prevails. Though I personally shed a tear for each child killed by abortion, as a leader of a democracy it is my obligation to ensure that every woman who doesn’t want her unborn child should have a legal right to terminate that child’s life. And if she can’t afford to pay for it, as president I have the duty to ensure that public funds will cover the cost. Likewise, if my medical experts tell me we have to shut down churches to fight the coronavirus it is my obligation to use the powers vested in me as president to shut them down.”
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif), also a devout Catholic, contrasted “Joe Biden’s nuanced grasp of the divergent spheres of moral beliefs and political necessity” with Trump’s “bull-headed attempt to merge the two. Just a few days ago his emissaries told the United Nations that abortion is not a human right, that all lives born and unborn should be protected. I suppose he thinks he is a champion for the children who are sacrificed at the request of their mothers. But as we have seen, Joe has spoken directly with the Pope and gotten his blessing for the efforts he has undertaken to ensure that these requests can be fulfilled without interference or shame.”
Rules Aren’t for Rulers
Now that the COVID hysteria has seemingly done its job of scaring enough voters to vote against President Trump, a glimpse of its potential for reshaping America is coming into better focus. Although the severity of the virus appears to have diminished since the deadly days of Spring, the number of cases has soared with the dramatic expansion of testing that is now available. More cases are inspiring mayors and governors to impose more infringements on personal liberty.
Citing the rise in COVID cases, Washington DC Mayor Muriel Bowser (D) has announced new restrictions on travel “to help fight the spread of this disease.” The restrictions include an admonition against unnecessary travel and a requirement for anyone who arrives in DC to self-quarantine for 14 days. Ignoring her own rules, the Mayor traveled to Delaware to participate in a “super-spreader” Biden victory celebration. She later claimed that this travel was exempt from her rules because “as Mayor, all of my travel is essential travel.”
To combat the spread of COVID, Chicago Mayor Lori Lightfoot (D) issued a 30-day long stay-at-home advisory urging residents to avoid traveling, hosting house guests, or leaving their residence for any non-essential purpose. She also called for residents to cancel their Thanksgiving plans. Yet, she had no qualms about attending a “super-spreader” Biden victory celebration without wearing a mask and mingling shoulder-to-shoulder with others in the crowd. The Mayor insisted that “it was essential that I demonstrate proper respect for our new president even at grave risk to my own safety. This is what great leaders do.”
In California Gov. Gavin Newsom (D) instituted new restrictions limiting the size of family gatherings for Thanksgiving to a maximum of ten people, banning indoor activities, requiring masks be worn between bites of turkey, and that social-distancing be maintained at all times. Neighbors were urged to tattle on neighbors so police would know where to go to break up nonconforming celebrations. This week, the Governor attended a dinner for 12 at the French Laundry restaurant in Napa County. Nathan Click, communications director for Newsom, pointed out that “it may have seemed to violate the spirit of the Governor’s rules for gatherings, but in his defense let me point out that it wasn’t a Thanksgiving Day gathering. Besides, he is the governor and has the authority to exempt himself or anyone else from any rules he has prescribed for the state.”
COVID Hysteria’s “Second Wind”
Tesla entrepreneur Elon Musk expressed skepticism that the claimed resurgence of COVID is real. “I had myself tested four times in one day,” Musk said. “Twice I was told I was positive for COVID. Twice I was told I was negative for COVID. The BD Veritor™ System for Rapid Detection of SARS-CoV-2 was used for each test. Each test was administered by the same nurse at the same facility. The national COVID database now shows two new cases of the disease—both of them me. But I have no symptoms. I think the claim that rising numbers of cases justify a new round of oppressive decrees by the government is bogus.”
Even the New York Times thinks that only 10% of the reported positive tests for COVID are worthy of concern. “Ninety percent of those testing positive carry barely any trace of the virus,” the Times reported. “Most of these people are not likely to be contagious. We live in a world full of germs, but we are not at risk of an immanent lapse into severe illness and death because our immune systems successfully fight off the pathogens. The notion that we must lock down the economy and order everyone to stay at home is not supported by the scientific evidence.”
MSNBC producer Kyle Griffin criticized both Musk and the Times “for undermining the narrative that has kept America safe from COVID these past eight months. Fear has been the motivating factor persuading people to obey the government decrees that have helped save lives. Once fear is no longer potent obedience will wane. Too many people will resume normal lives and the window of opportunity for transforming the governance of this country into a more progressive mold will have closed.”
Self-proclaimed COVID expert Dr. Anthony Fauci seconded Griffin’s perspective, saying that “I know that Americans value their independence, but now is not the time for them reclaim their liberty. It is the time for them to do as they are told.”
Despite waning severity of COVID, another round of lockdowns is being contemplated. Dr. Michael Osterholm, a COVID adviser to Joe Biden, is prescribing “a four to six week nationwide lockdown to control the pandemic and revive the economy.” So far this year many states were in lockdown status for periods much longer than six weeks. Nevertheless, the virus is still here and the economy took a beating. How a repeat of that experiment on an even larger scale is expected to turn out differently is a mystery.
Biden adviser Dr. Ezekiel Emanuel expressed even more extreme views on the subject. Based on his assertion that no one should want to live past the age of 75, Emanuel recommends against allowing those over this age to be vaccinated. “It is precisely because this age cohort has been shown to be the most vulnerable to COVID that we should allow nature to harvest them,” Emanuel said. “It makes no sense to prolong the lives of these useless eaters. Any vaccines we develop should go toward saving the lives of younger and more useful people, particularly those in the Third World who have been oppressed by America’s prosperity for generations.”
In New York, Gov. Andrew Cuomo (D), the mastermind behind the state’s nursing home massacre, is desperate to stop the Trump Administration from distributing any COVID vaccine. “If Trump is allowed to start a vaccination program he will get the credit that should go to President Biden,” Cuomo complained. “There are only two more months to his term. There has to be a way for our Party to delay the availability of a vaccine until he is out of office. Perhaps President-Elect Biden could issue an executive order blocking distribution of the vaccine until after January 21st. After that he can claim credit for conquering COVID. He may even get a Nobel Prize for medicine if he succeeds in taking credit.”
“We’re also going to have to take a look at Pfizer and BioNTech for prematurely announcing the success of their vaccine trials,” Cuomo said. “They were smart enough to hold off making this announcement until after election day. They should have been smarter. We need to come to an agreement on how they can best make amends for what they’ve done. Maybe they should make a major donation to the Democratic National Committee. Maybe they should make Hunter Biden their business partner. Anyway, we all should be thinking about how we can get a piece of their action.”
Satirical Look at Recent News
John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program. Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.