Capitol Police Officers Suspended

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Acting Capitol Police Chief Yogananda Pittman announced the investigation of 35 members of the Capitol Police force and the suspension—with pay—for six of them for “their inappropriate actions during the January 6th insurrection attack on Congress.”

As an example, Pittman referenced a video showing Capitol Police Lt. Tarik Khalid Johnson wearing a red “Make America Great Again” hat while talking to several supporters of former President Trump. “Though Lt. Johnson contends he was just trying to maintain calm by seeming to be friendly and civil towards these domestic terrorists, I do not view his methods as being in accord with proper police tactics,” she said. “Our force was adequately armed during the incursion, but only one officer shot one intruder. If Lt. Johnson and others had followed his example dozens, maybe hundreds of enemies of the Party could have been eliminated on that day.”

Pittman explained the light penalty of suspension with pay was “appropriate. Since the main instigator of the attack was acquitted by his Republican co-conspirators in the US Senate, we can’t levy a sterner punishment for lesser criminals. I think the contrast between President Biden giving the Medal of Freedom to the officer who killed Ashli Babbit and the slap-on-the-wrist for these six deviant officers will be sufficient to guide the rest of the force toward acceptable behavior in the future.”

Despite the leniency toward some of its members the Capitol Police Labor Union cast a vote of no confidence in their leadership, including Pittman, who was elevated to acting chief on January 8th.

Senator Whines About Censure

Though he wasn’t one of the seven Republican senators who voted to convict former President Trump at his unconstitutional impeachment trial last week, Sen. John Thune (S. Dak) called the censure of some of those who did “one of the worst examples of ‘cancel culture’ I have ever seen.”

None of the censured senators was banned by Twitter or Facebook. None were doxxed. None were banned from appearing on media. All a motion of censure does is express disapproval of the actions of the person censured. It’s conceivable that this disapproval could cost the senators some votes at their next election, but each senator is still free to argue his or her case before the voters. They were not “unpersoned” as many conservative advocates have been in the real incidents of cancel-culture we have seen in recent years.

While he reluctantly acknowledged that these senators have not actually been “canceled.” Thune contended that “such open criticism by members of our own Party is unseemly. Senators are important members of society. It is not really the place of persons of lesser standing to besmirch highly placed members of the government that rules them, especially on the petty grounds that they disagree with these senators. We are serving the country and we deserve respect no matter what we do.”

Green New Deal Would Have Prevented Texas Power Failures

Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) says that “the power failures in Texas wouldn’t have occurred if we already had the Green New Deal in place. Over the past century an increasingly industrialized and consumer-oriented society has become more and more dependent upon the comfort and convenience provided by capitalistic exploitation of natural resources. The aim of the Green New Deal is to unchain the people from their reliance upon these comforts and conveniences.”

“If we were already living under the rules of the New Green Deal the cold and shivering that has shocked the residents of Texas would be the normal way of life,” the Congresswoman contended. “Before the industrial revolution raped nature in order to make things easier for humans life was hard. Discomfort was an everyday event. Hunger was always a looming threat. Under such conditions people lived simpler lives. Because many had essentially nothing but each other there was greater harmony among them. Because there was nothing to steal crime was basically nonexistent.”

“If people were rational they’d see the disaster that has befallen Texas as a warning to turn back from the selfish comforts of modern life,” she said. “Unfortunately, they have been deluded by four years of ‘make America great’ propaganda. This is why the government needs to compel everyone to take the rational course. Humans may suffer, but the planet will be saved.”

Gov Vows to Destroy Critic

As the horror of New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo’s mismanagement of the COVID pandemic in his state sinks in, fellow Democrats are demanding an investigation. State Assemblyman Ron Kim (D-Queens) vocally condemned Cuomo for mingling infected elders among nursing home residents throughout the state. Cuomo responded to this criticism by warning Kim “I will destroy you.”

Kim called the Governor’s threat “chilling. He reminded me that he won an Emmy for his role in fighting the COVID pandemic and that it was his word against mine—a giant vs. a pygmy. He professed himself undecided about whether to ‘disappear’ me or to trash my reputation. He claimed ‘the media love me. They see me as presidential material. If you don’t write a letter of apology and retract what you said about me what happens to you will be your own fault.’”

The fact is Cuomo ordered COVID-19 patients into elderly care facilities and barred staff from even testing them before entry. He barred nursing homes from sending COVID patients to the nearly empty naval hospital ship anchored outside Manhattan and the sprawling Javits Center field hospital that was given to New York by the Trump Administration—because, as Cuomo said, “sending patients there would’ve made Trump the hero of the story. That’s something both the media and I determined must not be allowed to happen, especially in an election year.”

Pelosi Conceals Evidence on Jan 6th Capitol Security Failures

Representatives Jim Jordan (R-OH), Devin Nunes (R-CA), Rodney Davis (R-IL) and James Comer (R-KY) sent a letter to House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) asking a series of questions including “When then-Chief Sund made a request for National Guard support on Jan. 4, why was that request denied?”

Pelosi is refusing to answer any questions or share any information “with the traitors who enabled the insurrection. This is the time for the nation to be unified behind one shared narrative. Attempts to cast doubt about the decisions made by members of the Party are disunifying. I, for one, will not aid and abet our enemies.”

Though Pelosi couldn’t bring herself to approve National Guard help that might have prevented the January 6th riot, she now insists that troops in and barricades around the Capitol must stay in place until Fall. Rep. Lisa McClain (R-Mich) wants to know why. “It seems to me that continued deployment of troops at the Capitol is unnecessary and expensive,” McClain said. “Shouldn’t Congress be asked to approve an appropriation for the hundreds of millions it costs? The Speaker does not have the authority to approve such an expense all on her own.”

Pelosi rejected McClain’s questions as “impertinent and disloyal. Obedience is what is required at this time of grave national peril. Those who won’t abide by this requirement are being scrutinized and will be dealt with as I deem necessary.”

Dems Want to Kill Right-to-Work & Gig economy

Democrats in Congress are advancing the Protecting the Right to Organize (PRO) Act of 2021. If enacted, this bill would ban state right-to-work laws and severely curtail the “gig” economy. In right-to-work states workers are not required to be union members in order to be employed. The “gig” economy consists of individuals working as independent contractors.

Co-sponsor of the bill, House Committee on Education and Labor Chairman Robert Scott (D-VA) pointed out that “both the right-to-work and the ‘gig’ economy impede a union’s efforts to organize an employer’s workforce. Allowing people to work without belonging to a union undermines socialist solidarity by muddling the identities of the workforce. Our bill would simplify roles by clearly putting people into their proper class—either proletariat or bourgeoisie.”

Isabel Soto of the American Action Forum argued that “the so-called ‘right to organize’ is, in reality, a bid to make union membership compulsory and destroy an estimated 59 million independent contractors. It will reduce gross domestic output by as much as $30 billion per year.”

Scott was unmoved by Soto’s criticism, saying “just as I expected, the right-wing opponents of collectivism appeal to personal greed in their futile effort to thwart the transformation of this country from capitalism to socialism.”

Biden Ends Trump Industry Apprenticeship Program

The latest batch of Executive Orders signed by President Biden included one revoking the Industry-Recognized Apprenticeship Program (IRAP) established by President Trump in 2017. According to the Biden Administration “the problem with the Trump program is that it allowed trade and industry groups, companies, non-profit organizations, unions, and joint labor-management organizations to create their own apprenticeship programs that would help workers obtain the skills that the economy needed.”

Press Secretary Jen Psaki explained that “the narrow focus on developing job skills that enable the apprentices to proficiently perform the necessary tasks of their work is out-of-step with our vision of building back better. We think a larger role for the government is needed in order to ensure that social justice goals like racial diversity are vigorously pursued.”

Rep. Virginia Foxx (R-NC), the Ranking Member on the House Committee on Education and Labor, called Biden’s move “a step backward. Ending IRAPs will kill jobs. The notion that a grossly inefficient government bureaucracy can improve on a program that has been working successfully for nearly four years is ludicrous and irresponsible. Reintroducing the added layers of red-tape that stifled job training during the Obama Administration will hurt working people, businesses, consumers, and the economy.”

Psaki rebutted Foxx’s criticism, saying that “the mania for efficiency and prosperity that drove the policies of the Trump Administration is over. The new theme is ‘unity.’ Not everyone can be efficient. Prosperity is an excessively materialistic yardstick. The President believes that the inept, indolent, and stupid must be allowed an appropriate place in our newly unified America. Government regulation is the perfect tool for accomplishing this.”

Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program. Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Leave a Reply