Swalwell Files Billion-Dollar Lawsuit

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Alleging “severe psychological trauma and irreparable damage,” Rep. Eric Swalwell (D-Calif) is suing former President Donald Trump, Donald Trump Jr., former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani, and Rep. Mo Brooks (R-Ala) for “one billion dollars.”

“These men incited the January 6 insurrection at the Capitol that terrorized me and others,” Swalwell said. “My fear was so intense that I shat myself. Judging from the overwhelming odor permeating the building, I can’t have been the only one on that day to suffer trauma and humiliation. I was a rising star in the Democratic Party and a future presidential nominee. Now I am the butt of jokes. The sum of one billion dollars I am seeking is a ‘low ball’ estimate for what is required to give me justice.”

Trump’s spokesman Jason Miller called Swalwell’s claims “ridiculous. As the leader of two failed impeachments against President Trump, Swalwell has done more than sufficient damage to his future political prospects. He claimed to have irrefutable proof of Russian collusion, but never produced this so-called evidence. All he could manage to produce was a loud fart during a live interview.”

Harmeet Dhillon, a partner at a law firm with former Trump lawyer Ron Coleman, called the suit “frivolous. Swalwell sits on the House Permanent Select Committee on Intelligence, yet he allowed himself to be seduced by a Chinese spy. This sounds like a security breach and dereliction of duty. Maybe taxpayers should sue him.”

Swalwell contends that his sexual liaison with Christine Fang was “my own covert, James Bond style move to extract intelligence from her,” but admitted “that turned out to be a dry hole despite repeated drilling. Rather than being mocked I ought to be given the Medal of Freedom for going beyond the call of duty for a member of Congress and risking my life to try to ferret out vital secrets about China from this woman.”

Meanwhile, the FBI reports that none of the insurrectionists at the Capitol were carrying firearms. Director Christopher Wray admitted that “I know it seems odd that people trying to overthrow the government wouldn’t bring the necessary weapons, but the accepted narrative says that is exactly what they did. My best guess is that they weren’t very competent insurrectionists.”

Workers Blocked from Leaving Union

Newly staffed with Biden appointees, the National Labor Relations Board has blocked the request of construction workers in Indiana to hold a vote to decertify their membership in the local carpenters union.

Patrick Semmens, vice president of the National Right to Work Legal Defense Foundation, which is assisting the workers, assailed the blocking action, calling it “a direct suppression of these workers’ rights. Indiana is a ‘right-to-work’ state. That means people can’t be forced to be union members in order to work. The right to exit a union is every bit as important as the right to enter a union. The workers we are assisting feel the costs of membership aren’t matched by services of equal value.”

Peter Sung Ohr, the NLRB’s new acting general counsel, defended blocking the decertification vote, saying “the President is trying to unify the nation. Union membership is a prime tool for achieving this goal. The selfish impulse to escape from an unfair situation ignores the bigger picture of what is good for the whole. It is the President’s view that once everyone in America is a member of the appropriate union the general welfare of the whole will be guaranteed. This has to take priority over individualized perspectives of what is best.”

Meanwhile, House Democratic Majority Leader Steny Hoyer (Md) maintains that “the PRO (Protecting the Right to Organize) Act will help tilt the playing field in favor of workers who want unionization. Collective bargaining is essential. For it to have a maximum effect all workers must become union members. The notion that we must abide individuals who want to go their own way is anti-labor. There is strength in unity. The PRO Act will ensure that unity is the only option available to working men and women. Therein lies the true pursuit of happiness that this nation’s founders envisioned.”

FBI Destroys Ballots

In the midst of a forensic investigation of some questioned ballots in Georgia, the FBI seized the ballots. Patrick Byrne, the former CEO of Overstock.com, characterized this action as “obstruction of justice. Rather than let an examination of the evidence find out whether these ballots were legitimate or not, the heavy hand of federal police not only intervened, they destroyed the evidence by having it immediately and irretrievably shredded.”

FBI Director Christopher Wray rebuffed the obstruction charge, insisting that “when the FBI does it it’s not obstruction. Our agency is not solely dedicated to the pursuit of justice. We also handle matters of national security. It was our determination that any insinuation that any ballots might be illegitimate posed a clear and present danger to the government. By January 9th Joe Biden had already been declared president-elect. Any so-called evidence that could cast doubt on the legitimacy of the election would undermine his administration. Consequently, preventing this possibility was our solemn duty.”

Wray bolstered his position by pointing out “how grateful President Biden was for our quick and decisive action on this matter. He said he was especially pleased that we handled the issue expeditiously on our own standing authority—that it was good to know that he could count on us to do the right thing without him having to explicitly order it done.”

Neanderthals in Texas & Mississippi

This week the governors of Texas and Mississippi relaxed restrictions that have been harming commerce in their states. Statewide mask mandates were cancelled and capacity restraints on businesses were removed. President Biden called these governors “Neanderthals for daring to break the nation’s unified front against this disease.”

Dr Rochelle Walensky, director of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) echoed Biden’s anger. “Right now we are at a critical nexus in the pandemic,” she warned. “Granted, this is the 83rd critical nexus we have faced since the pandemic started. Each time we urged that we all hold the line against a premature return of freedom. Governor after governor has bravely suppressed the people of their states one more time for the common good. Why are these two governors ignorantly rejecting the science?”

Gov. Greg Abbott (R-Tex) rejected the President’s characterization of him, saying “the whole repeated hysteria that has attended the so-called science on COVID has worn thin. Meanwhile, the damage done by the lockdowns has had consequences at least as severe as the disease itself. At the same time he was criticizing me, the Administration has been releasing COVID-positive illegal border-crossers into our communities.”

Press Secretary Jen Psaki argued that “it seems to me that the release of COVID-positive visitors into Texas communities is all the more reason for folks to wear masks and businesses to either stay shut or dramatically reduce their capacity. Anyone who can’t see that can’t object to being called a Neanderthal.”

Dem Touts Wealth Tax

The Democrat bill to levy a 2% wealth tax on rich Americans was stoutly defended by Rep. Pramila Jayapal (D-WA). “The private pursuit and accumulation of wealth has been a serious problem for this country since the very beginning,” she asserted. “The bill to gradually phase out this blight is a modest endeavor with great ultimate impact.”

“At 2% per year it would take 50 years to eliminate the entire upper class in America,” Jayapal pointed out. “By pushing these elites down into the middle and lower classes we will achieve a greater equality than any other nation has achieved. As New York Times economist Paul Krugman points out, too much freedom burdens and confuses people. The result is that much of the wealth that is in private hands is frittered away on selfish indulgence. The wealth tax will transfer this wasted wealth to the government where it can be used in all manner of important causes.”

“The utopia envisioned by Marx will become a reality only two generations hence,” she boasted. “Instead of everyone having to struggle to earn a living, the government will be in a position to provide each person with what he or she needs. The money-grubbing capitalist system will be replaced by a regime where everyone does the tasks assigned to them by government planners. Greed will be replaced by selfless sacrifice as the motivation for all good people. I think once people realize what they have to gain, the support for the wealth tax will be overwhelming.”

An example of the more beneficial outcome of transferring wealth to the government was demonstrated by the COVID relief bill (American Rescue Plan Act of 2021) provision granting each federal employee 15 times as many $1400 “stimulus checks” than every other recipient. Rep. Carolyn Maloney (D-NY) justified the skewed payouts, contending that “federal employees have been declared essential. The others have not.”

Cuomo: “I Never Touched Anyone Inappropriately”

The nursing home murderer may get a pass for his decree that caused thousands of deaths, but he may not survive accusations of sexual harassment and unwanted physical contact. In his own defense, Gov. Andrew Cuomo (D-NY) claims “I never touched anyone inappropriately. I never knew at the time I was making anyone feel uncomfortable.”

Cuomo admitted that “it might be inappropriate for any ordinary man to do the things that I have done, but I’m not an ordinary man. First, as governor I have something called ‘droit du seigneur.’ Roughly translated, this means that a person who governs has certain rights that those who are governed do not have. This right is conveyed in recognition of the burdens of ruling and the obligation of the ruled to express their gratitude.”

“Second, I have been hailed by Dr. Anthony Fauci as the ‘gold standard’ in COVID leadership,” Cuomo pointed out. “I was even awarded an Emmy for my performance. No other governor has received such an honor. So, as one who stands head-and-shoulders above every other governor in America I think I’m entitled to a few extra perks. Look, Joe Biden was given a pass for fingering Tara Reid in a Congressional office building in 1993, and he was just a senator, and not a very impressive one, at that.”

Still, the Governor went on to issue a sort of apology saying “I have learned from what has been an incredible, difficult situation for me as well as other people, and I’ve learned an important lesson—inform women of my rights before taking the liberties to which my station entitles me. I’m sorry for whatever pain I caused anyone, I never intended it. I thought they would be honored to be propositioned or kissed by their governor. I will be the better for this experience.”

In related news, Michigan’s Democrat Gov. Gretchen Whitmer, who issued a similar nursing home decree that resulted in excess deaths, worked out a non-disclosure agreement with former state health department director, Robert Gordon—a key witness to her blunder. Under the terms of the agreement, Gordon received a taxpayer-funded “buy out” of $155,506 and both parties agreed not to testify against the other—terms that Whitmer called “a win-win resolution of a sticky situation that could have embarrassed a lot of people.”

Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program. Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

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