Fauci Invests in Humanized Mice

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

At a Pennsylvania House hearing this week, witnesses testified about experimental research involving scalping aborted babies and grafting those scalps onto mice. The National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases (NIAID) funded this research with more than $400,000 in taxpayer dollars given to the University of Pittsburgh to conduct the experiment.

Dr. Anthony Fauci, head of NIAID, defended the expenditure, maintaining that “millions of lives are ruined by premature baldness. The social stigma of being hairless at a young age can devastate the delicate psyches of the men affected. Some even become suicidal. Research to see if viable human scalps could be nurtured by host rodents could help mitigate this malady.”

Fauci brushed off objections to this use of tax funds, saying that “every little bit we can do to help folks get through life is a legitimate use of public money. The aborted individuals obviously have no further need for their scalps. Why let them go to waste in the incinerator when they might save another person’s life down the road? Why use mice? Well, there could be negative outcomes that we wouldn’t want to inflict on volunteer human hosts. Mice are an expendable life form that has a long tradition of participating in medical experiments.”

DeSantis’ Remarks Called Racist

Gov. Ron DeSantis (R-Fla) issued a warning to leaders of Black Lives Matter and Antifa that “rioting will not be tolerated in our state. You may get away with this kind of destructive action in Portland, but not here.” The Governor added that “truly peaceful protests are protected by the First Amendment, but the minute you harm somebody else, or you harm somebody’s property, the way we’re going to stop it is to have very swift penalties for it.”

Vice-President Kamala Harris, called DeSantis’ stance “inherently racist. His notion that a peaceful demonstration is the only legitimate way to protest is ‘white thinking.’ After 400 years of oppression by white folks, people of color have earned the right to lash out at any and all members of the race that has oppressed them. This includes looting and burning of their property. Whites who attempt to violate this right do so at their own risk.”

Harris said “coming on the heels of the Jim Crow voting law that he just signed, it appears that DeSantis is trying to goad civil rights champions like Black Lives Matter and Antifa into confrontation with Florida police. Let me issue a warning to him. Any use of force to impede the actions of these groups will trigger the dispatch of federal troops to ensure the safety of the protesters. The choice the Governor has to face is whether he will respect a woke mode of protest and the modicum of damage done or whether he prefers to be displaced by marshal law. Portland Mayor Ted Wheeler has already faced this type of situation and has chosen wisely. He’s still Mayor and is not under arrest.”

Poor Jobs Report Sparks Debate

The Labor Department’s April employment report showed unemployment ticking up. This contradicted expert expectations that the Biden stimulus spending would generate a million more jobs. Only 266,000 jobs were created during the month.

President Biden blamed former President Trump, saying that “the attack on the Capitol that he ordered his followers to carry out has made a lot of people too scared to take a job. They fear that a right-wing mob may swarm their place of employment and expose them to the same dangers that faced members of Congress on January 6th.”

Chamber of Commerce executive vice president and chief policy officer Neil Bradley disagreed, calling the President’s logic “unpersuasive. A more tangible factor is the fact that the government’s unemployment compensation package exceeds the wages available for many jobs. Given the choice of having to endure a pay cut if they take a job, many are opting to remain unemployed.”

Biden dismissed the Chamber’s view as “malarkey. My Dad always told me, ‘Joey, it’s not just about the paycheck. It’s also about the dignity of having a useful place in the community.’ No self-respecting adult would give up that place just to live off the federal teat.”

Rep. Ilhan Omar (D-Minn), backer of a $2,000 per month federal payment to every person, labeled Biden’s perspective “discredited ‘white thinking.’ Work is for suckers. The government has the power to create as much money as is needed to let everyone enjoy a decent standard of living without having to submit to wage-slavery to get it. What we need is for policymakers to have the courage to boost America up into a totally different way of living.” Fifty-seven fellow Congresspersons have co-sponsored Omar’s bill to award these monthly payments.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) rejected the idea that increased unemployment is a bad thing. “As I have been saying for years, unemployment compensation is a greater stimulator of the economy than anything else,” she asserted. “We shouldn’t bemoan an uptick in unemployment. The more people who are unemployed, the faster our economy will grow. What we need to do right now is pass more spending bills. If we can break the link between work and income we will finally achieve liberty from wage-slavery.”

Press Secretary Jen Psaki hastened to clarify the President’s statement, saying “he was just reminiscing about stuff his Dad told him seventy years ago. In no way did he mean to imply that people living on welfare are not self-respecting just because they have adapted to a lifestyle pioneered in America by President Johnson’s War on Poverty. This money isn’t just handed out randomly. Recipients have to do some things to qualify. One of the most important of these things is giving birth to the next generation of Democrat voters. Those who pay the taxes should be grateful that the price for keeping the fascist Republicans from destroying our democracy is so low.”

AOC Wants Civilian Climate Change Corps

Inspired by FDR’s Civilian Conservation Corps, Rep. Alexandria Ocasio Cortez (D-NY) wants to establish a Civilian Climate Change Corps (CCCC).

“This Corps will achieve two major objectives,” she said. “First, it will battle the scourge of carbon dioxide that is the chief culprit in global warming. Second, it will provide jobs for healthy young people and help extricate our economy from the depression inflicted on it by Trump.”

“The main method the Corps will employ is to practice slow breathing,” the Congresswoman explained. “Normally, young people are very active. In this active state heavy breathing takes place. This means increased volumes of carbon dioxide are exhaled. This aggravates the greenhouse effect. By organizing these youths to spend full workdays consisting of repose the amount of CO2 emitted will be substantially reduced.”

Co-sponsor of the proposed legislation Sen. Edward Markey (D-Mass) said “ideally, a starting cadre would be trained in carbon dioxide reduction techniques such as sofa surfing, lolling around, and catnaps extending to 20 hours a day. Once trained they would go back among their peers as apostles of these techniques as multilevel marketing envoys acquiring converts who would expand the operation at an exponential rate. The only thing I can think of that might have a greater impact would be mass suicide.”

President Biden is said to be onboard with the CCCC idea. Deputy press secretary Karine Jean-Pierre claimed that “the President was modeling the slow breathing technique all throughout the 2020 campaign. Instead of wasting his breath crisscrossing the country holding rallies like Trump did, he was spending most of each day napping and chilling at home. He believes that if more people could do this more of the time we could substantially slow the emission of CO2 and perhaps prevent climate change from destroying the planet. And for God’s sake, wear a mask. Inhaling your own CO2 saves someone else from having to inhale it.”

Spying on Americans to Be Privatized

Technically, it is illegal for the government to spy on American citizens without a court supervised “probable cause” being established first. This has the Biden Administration considering “partnering” with private corporations to get the job done.

Secretary of Homeland Security Alejandro Mayorkas pointed out that “the First Amendment prohibits the government from abridging freedom of speech. As we have seen though, privately owned corporations are free to abridge anyone’s freedom of speech for any reason or no reason. We see Facebook and Twitter silencing people on a regular basis for expressing opinions they don’t like.”

“So, we got to thinking that privately owned corporations might also be exempt from the Fourth Amendment’s ban on unreasonable searches,” Mayorkas said. “What if we were to contract with these private corporations to do the searching that the federal government is prohibited from doing? Businesses like Facebook and Twitter have access to the content of every message sent, received, or posted on their systems. They could do the dirty work for us. The information they could provide would greatly increase the number of disloyal citizens we could apprehend and convict. With the safety and security of the nation at stake how can we not make use of this loophole in the law?”

Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative for 16 years. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program. Please do us a favor. If you use material created by Mr. Semmens, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

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