Jarring Info from CDC

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

This week the Center for Disease Control (CDC) announced that individuals who have been fully vaccinated against COVID need not wear masks or observe social distancing rules. Director Dr. Rochelle Walensky observed that “since the vaccinations provide the best possible defense against COVID, the essentially ineffective masks and social distancing measures are no longer necessary.” Not wanting to get crosswise with other government authorities, Walensky cautioned that “enforcing mask-wearing and social distancing rules is still up to local, state and federal dictates.”

The governors of Massachusetts, New York, New Jersey, North Carolina, and Virginia, and the mayors of New York City and Washington, D.C. promised “to assess this new information before taking any hasty actions.” Gov. Andrew Cuomo (D-NY) questioned the credibility of the CDC, saying that “they’ve been wrong before. They told us it would take 15 days of lockdowns to flatten the curve, but it took a year of business, mobility, and speech restrictions to get COVID under control. Wasting all of the suffering we’ve endured by a premature restitution of freedom would be tragic.”

A less publicized bit of CDC news was the agency’s admission that “the number of deaths following the administration of COVID vaccines over the past four months exceeds the combined number of deaths following all of the other vaccinations administered for all other diseases over the past twenty years.” Walensky hastened to point out that “while it is reasonable to presume that a person who tests positive for COVID and dies has, in fact, died of COVID, it cannot similarly be assumed that a person who dies shortly after being vaccinated for COVID has died because of the vaccination.”

Not everyone agrees with Walensky’s reasoning. Dr. Ryan Cole, owner and operator of Cole Diagnostics, called the post-vaccination toll “concerning. These so-called vaccines are experimental. They haven’t undergone the normal vetting process for safety and effectiveness before being given to tens of millions of human guinea pigs over the last four months. Individuals should make their own decision on whether to take this experimental substance. There are sound reasons to be reluctant. Government shouldn’t coerce or bribe people to take it.”

Toxicologist Dr. Janci Chunn Lindsay takes an even stronger stance against further mass inoculations for younger persons and has called on the U.S. government to halt COVID-19 vaccine distribution. “There are serious safety concerns that need to be considered,” she said. “The vaccines could hinder production of syncytin, a crucial protein for fertility and pregnancy, and negatively impact pregnancy outcomes as a result. Since the unvaccinated in this population cohort face a vanishingly small risk of serious health consequences from COVID they should not submit to being vaccinated.”

Dr. Anthony Fauci labeled these concerns “fear mongering of the worst sort” and tried to differentiate it from “the socially responsible fear mongering I and others have employed to help defeat the virus over the past year. Getting millions to hunker down in their homes, shun all unnecessary human contact, close their businesses, quit their jobs, wear masks, and tattle on nonconformists were harmless cudgels to guide individuals to adopt behaviors that protected everyone. Now is not the time to listen to dissident doctors. If we keep the faith we will emerge into a truly caring society where all march to the same tune and share the same destiny.”

Psaki: “Inflation Is Good for America”

Indications that inflation is rising is roiling markets and unnerving consumers who must pay unexpectedly higher prices for basic necessities. Gasoline prices, for example, are up nearly 50% from a year ago. Presidential Press Secretary Jen Psaki pooh-poohed concerns, calling them “unnecessary fretting. Rising prices are a positive in so many ways.”

“Take the jump in gasoline prices,” she suggested. “This is not an unplanned phenomenon. It is the President’s policy to wean the country off of fossil fuels. To accomplish this it is necessary to make gasoline unaffordable for as many drivers as we can. The Colonial Pipeline hacking attack wasn’t explicitly planned by the Biden Administration, but it helps further our goal. Remember, one of the first things the President did when he took office was to cancel the Keystone Pipeline. And just the other day we saw Michigan Gov. Gretchen Whitmer take emergency action to block fuels coming into our country from Canada. This is all a sign that we are succeeding.”

“On a broader front, let’s not forget that inflation helps erode the value of money,” Psaki pointed out. “As the largest debtor in the country the federal government comes out ahead when it can pay back debt in cheaper dollars. Other big debtors like state governments and corporations similarly benefit. Who doesn’t benefit? The misers who buy bonds. The biggest purchasers of bonds are pension funds who see the interest extracted from borrowers as a way to divert money to the unproductive retired segment of the population. These retirees don’t need this money. Social Security and Medicare will take care of their legitimate needs. What I’m saying is that basically, inflation redirects money from the sterile purpose of sustaining an idle segment of society to the dynamic purpose of ensuring that government has a bigger share of the country’s resources so it can do more good for the whole population.”

In related news, Secretary of the Department of Energy Jennifer Granholm asserted that “those suffering from rising gasoline costs have only themselves to blame. If you drive an electric car you are immune to the problems of rising gas costs or limited supply when a pipeline fails or is shut down by government order. Once everyone takes the President’s intent to outlaw fossil fuel in this country seriously the disruptions of the past and present will just be old memories.”

Vatican Letter Pleases Pelosi

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi expressed gratitude for the Pope’s letter chastising bishops who questioned whether politicians who support abortion should receive communion. “Basically, he’s washed his hands on this issue,” she boasted. “It’s not for priests or bishops or anyone else to decide whether to give communion to whoever presents himself or herself for the rite. It’s for each Catholic to make the choice.”

Pelosi characterized the Pope’s stance as “realistic. The Pope knows we are battling for the soul of America with the most evil adversaries that we have ever encountered. To win this battle we need every vote we can get. When the majority of the population, the media, academia, the unions, the immigrants all want abortion to be legal and free we must honor their wishes. For us to be punished for doing this plays into the hands of those who hate America.”

“After all, we aren’t approving and funding the termination of babies out of malicious intent,” she added. “It’s only politics. Of all people, we are most in need of the forgiveness that communion transmits to us. I mean, why should I have to go to Hell for doing bad deeds for a good cause? The US military did some despicable things to defeat the Nazis and the Japanese during World War II—incinerating whole cities, indiscriminately killing civilians, women, and children. Should the pilots who dropped those bombs have been denied communion? I don’t think anyone would have agreed to that. Why then should a more discriminating elimination of the surplus of unwanted children merit denial of communion?”

Rep Greene Rankles Dems

This week, Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-GA) publicly confronted Rep. Alexandria Ocasio Cortez (D-NY) and asked her questions about the Green New Deal she is pushing for America. Greene says she “chose this venue because in the House any inconvenient questions I raise are routinely gavelled ‘out of order’ by the Democrat committee chair. When I learned that AOC was holding a press conference I thought I’d ask my questions there, but she ran away.”

AOC professed herself “severely frightened by the encounter. There was no one to intervene on my behalf. It was just her and me in front of the media and their cameras. I lost my train of thought. I shouldn’t have to answer uninvited questions. As a member of Congress it is my constitutional right not to be questioned in any other place. I need a security detail like the President has to protect me from lunatics like Greene.”

This isn’t the first complaint about Rep. Greene. Earlier this year, Rep. Cori Bush (D-Mo) could not abide having her office in the same corridor as Greene’s. “I couldn’t enter or exit my office without risking running into her,” Bush said. “How could I be expected to do my work with the dread of an unwanted meeting looming over my every movement. Since Greene doesn’t regularly wear a mask I decided I had had to move for my team’s safety and my own sanity.”

Rep. Jimmy Gomez (D-Calif) has introduced a resolution to expel Greene from Congress. “She just doesn’t fit in,” Gomez complained. “None of the Republicans do. Rather than work with us to get legislation passed they are busy figuring out ways to block what we’re trying to do. I’d like to expel them all, except maybe Liz Cheney, but that’s probably a ‘bridge too far’ right now. Getting rid of Greene would be a great first step toward that goal or at least put the fear of God into the rest of them.”

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) called Greene’s behavior “intolerable. She is oblivious to how much she has dishonored Congress. The voters need to be confident that their government is working together for the people. Exposing disagreements like Greene did is unacceptable. We’ve already banned her from committee membership as an incentive for her to shape up. We need to investigate her more recent transgressions and determine the appropriate punishment.”

Whitmer Receives “Profile in Courage” Award

Gov. Gretchen Whitmer (D-Mich) was one of seven to receive a “Profile in Courage” Award from the John F. Kennedy Library Foundation. Caroline Kennedy, the president’s daughter and honorary president of the foundation praised Whitmer’s “iron-fisted rule in dealing with the COVID pandemic in her state. Critics called her edicts excessive, unnecessary, and oppressive, but she held to her course. The decision to impose unpopular constraints on the people’s liberty represents the highest ideals of paternalistic governance. She is probably the bravest person in America.”

Whitmer says she hopes “this award will help me in my reelection campaign.” Although her popularity has declined over the past year, 49% of those polled say they approve of her handling of the pandemic. One poll respondent explained his support for Whitmer, saying that “at least she didn’t move COVID-infected patients into nursing homes like that moron Cuomo did in New York. For that she earns my respect and my vote in 2022.”

In a bid to live up to the Award, the Governor ordered a Canadian pipeline, owned by the Enbridge company to shut down. “I know the popular thing would be to allow this pipeline to continue operating, what with the Colonial Pipeline problems and the President’s cancellation of the Keystone Pipeline in January,” she said. “But you don’t win awards by doing what’s popular. True leadership means giving the people what they should have, not what they want. The more pain there is now, the quicker the country will give up its dependence on fossil fuels.”

Thus far, Enbridge has refused to shut down, saying that only the federal government has the authority to order such an action. Whitmer scoffed at Enbridge’s defiance, saying that “I have emergency powers that trump any other authority. Michigan is my property. Enbridge is trespassing on it. This pipeline will be shut down one way or another. If I have to order State Police to blow up the pipeline I won’t shrink from making that unpopular decision.”

Brain Implants for Unity

Scientists at Northwestern University have developed wireless brain implants that have been inserted into mice to see if their behavior can be controlled remotely. An experiment found that it can. To be more explicit, the experiment tried to use the devices to get the mice to become friends with other mice having the same implants. It worked.

Secretary of Health and Human Services Xavier Becerra called this experiment “a potential game-changer for the President’s drive to unify the country. The main impediment to total unity is independent thought. The aspiration of trying to achieve unity via volitional means is likely never going to be realized if each person has the option to join or not. If we can somehow get these wireless implants into everybody we can bypass the volitional barrier. Government scientists could remotely manipulate each and every one of us to become friends whether we wanted to or not.”

“The first step for us is to figure out how to get the implants into everyone,” Becerra pointed out. “As we have seen with the COVID vaccines, even after a year long fear campaign there are still people who say they won’t take the shots. The vaccine passport idea is a good one, but it has many logistical difficulties. The main one is how to differentiate between those who have been vaccinated from those who haven’t. Here is where the wireless aspect of the brain implants can come to the rescue. Each person who has an implant can be remotely detected and controlled. The many ways this can be used to overcome the reluctance of others gives me confidence universal unity can be achieved.”

“We could start by paying bounties to people who agree to be implanted,” Becerra explained. “The next step could be to offer those with implants a bonus for every other person they persuade to be implanted. Once this phase is practically completed we can start offering even bigger bonuses for forcibly bringing other individuals in to be implanted. Eventually the proportion of implanted will be many times larger than the remaining cohort without the implant. As the implanted are manipulated to shun the few who are not, loneliness should drive the last independent individuals to join the herd resulting in total unity of the entire population.”

Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative for 16 years. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program. Please do us a favor. If you use material created by Mr. Semmens, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

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