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By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
The Biden Administration’s dispersal of illegal immigrant children around the country, dumping them in cities in the middle of the night without food and places to stay faced stern criticisms from Republicans.
Sen. Marsha Blackburn (R-Tenn) called the midnight unloading of hundreds of immigrants in Chattanooga “absolutely unacceptable. This is not a coherent plan for dealing with this issue. It’s an abuse of power and a human tragedy. What are these immigrants supposed to do in a city where they don’t speak the language, don’t have anyone to help them find a place to stay and get food?”
Sen. Bill Hagerty (R-Tenn) warned that this practice “unfairly burdens the community and presents added risks of crime and disease. None of these immigrants have been screened for COVID or other diseases. The absence of a plan to meet basic needs virtually forces them to steal or beg just to survive.”
Customs and Border Patrol Acting Commissioner Troy Miller called GOP complaints “ignorant carping. First, we had to sneak these children in because Gov. Lee had already announced his opposition to receiving these immigrants. Second, the living conditions in the border holding cells are horribly overcrowded, filthy, and ripe for the spread of disease and sexual abuse. Setting these children free in a city seems the more humane option.”
Miller also characterized the waiving of the legal requirement for these illegal immigrants to appear in court as “a logical response to the reality that only a tiny number will actually show up for their court date. Why bear the expense and paperwork of continuing the charade of a legal procedure? The best we can hope for is that they somehow adapt and find a way to live without turning to crime.”
In related news, Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) and 34 other members of Congress signed a letter calling the selective deportation of illegal immigrants who are criminals “racist. Just because a person has a criminal record in his country of origin doesn’t prove he is a danger to Americans. Using felony convictions in their native land as grounds for denying them entry to the United States is discriminatory. The fact that they may face immediate reincarceration on their return makes them ideal candidates for asylum. Giving them a fresh start here is the least we can do.”
Pelosi Calls Colleagues Untrustworthy
Though the COVID pandemic is clearly waning, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) refuses to relinquish dictatorial control over members of Congress. While the Center for Disease Control (CDC) has advised that wearing masks is no longer necessary for those who have been vaccinated, the Speaker maintains that “masks must still be worn. A person may say he has been vaccinated when he hasn’t been. I’d like to believe we are all persons of honor here, but realistically, we’re members of a profession where honesty is not an asset.”
Of particular concern are the Republicans. “These people have lied about the election,” Pelosi said. “They called for their supporters to attack the Capitol. They conspired with Russia to help Trump steal the 2016 election from Hillary. How could any sane person trust them to tell the truth about their vaccination status? A more rational option would be to bar all Republicans from the House floor until each one of them can prove to my satisfaction that they’ve gotten the jab.”
The COVID vaccines have not gone through the standard Food & Drug Administration testing for safety and effectiveness. They are “experimental drugs” and only approved for use in an emergency. Coercing individuals to submit to medical experiments without their freely given consent was one of the crimes committed by the Nazis.
Pelosi insists that her demands “are nothing like what the Nazis did. Barring a person from participating in government if he doesn’t follow the requirements set by me isn’t coercion. Being a member of Congress is not a right guaranteed by the Constitution. It is a privilege granted if certain conditions are met. One of those, of course, is that voters must elect that person. Another is that I, as Speaker, must guard the safety and health of every member. This includes keeping anyone who could threaten the health and safety of others from entering the safe zone perimeter. Those I block from entry are not coerced. They are still free to live their lives as ordinary citizens outside of government.”
Pelosi went on to point out that “I am not an outlier on this matter. For one, the Oregon Health Authority is requiring all businesses, workplaces and houses of worship to verify the vaccination status of every person attempting to enter the premises. And the British Army is requiring all military personnel to be vaccinated or be punished. So, I’m right in the mainstream of thought on this subject.”
In related news, Gov. Tom Wolf (D-PA) has heroically defied the will of voters by extending his emergency powers. This is despite the passage of two state contitution amendments in Tuesday’s primary ballot. One of them ends a governor’s emergency disaster declaration after 21 days unless the legislature votes to extend it. This replaces the 90-day emergency that a governor could unilaterally declare and extend. The other amendment eliminated the governor’s power to veto a legislatively enacted end to an emergency. Wolf observed “they can pass whatever they want, but who is going to enforce it? The State Police report to me. They will carry out my orders. The legislature has no one to counter the control I have.”
Was COVID a Bio-Weapon?
The suspicion that COVID was a designed as a biological weapon is mounting. Despite pooh-poohing from Dr. Anthony Fauci over the last year or so, Republicans insist that there is considerable circumstantial evidence to support this suspicion.
House Intelligence Committee ranking member Rep. Devin Nunes (R-Calif) said “there are serious questions that need answers. There were warnings from U.S. diplomats in China that the Wuhan lab was working on dangerous biological experiments for the Chinese military. There was also a circuitous routing of federal dollars from the National Institute for Health—the agency for which Dr. Fauci works—to the Wuhan lab for ‘gain-of-function’ research, which essentially is how to make a virus more deadly. In contrast, there is no evidence to support the claim that COVID originated naturally.”
Under questioning from Sen. John Kennedy (R-LA), Center for Disease Control Director Rochelle Walensky admitted that “the bat-eating origin story seems a bit lame at this point.” Two factors that may have contributed to Walensky’s changing perspective were a University of Hamburg study concluding that a leak from the Wuhan lab was the most likely cause of the COVID pandemic and a boast by Chen Ping, a Senior Researcher at the China Institute of Fudan University, that “China’s superior bio-warfare research has dealt the United States a severe blow.”
Meanwhile, Ivermectin—one of the medications explicitly disapproved by the CDC for treating COVID—has been having a significant positive impact on those receiving it in India. Further, a study published by the Front Line COVID-19 Critical Care Alliance (FLCCC) found that in 18 randomized controlled treatment trials there were large, statistically significant reductions in mortality and time to recovery using Ivermectin therapy. Another FLCCC report criticized public health agencies’ widespread disinformation campaign against Ivermectin. Finally, a World Health Organization meta-analysis of Ivermectin found a highly significant 75% reduction in COVID mortality, based on randomized controlled trials.
Nevertheless, Dr. Fauci said “I stand by my original objection to using Ivermectin for treating COVID patients. If we had allowed this inexpensive therapy to be widely deployed we would never have gotten President Trump to expedite the development and emergency use approval for the COVID vaccines, nor been able to frighten so many millions to unquestioningly accept being vaccinated. Not only have these vaccines proven immensely profitable for the companies that sell them, but the vaccine campaign has helped unify the country behind President Biden and his program to rebuild America into a progressive social democracy.”
Dems Condemn Israeli War Crimes
Rep. Ilhan Omar (D-Minn) warned that “the cease-fire agreed to by Israel must not be permitted to obscure its responsibility for the war crimes it committed against the Palestinians. Their practice of urging civilians to evacuate the target zones for Israeli air strikes doesn’t excuse the fact that these bombings are acts of aggression against the righteous efforts of freedom fighters to dislodge the illegal occupiers of Muslim lands.”
Rep. Rashida Tlaib (D-Mich) expressed a similar message, calling Israel’s retaliation for the thousands of Hamas rockets into heavily populated areas within Israel “totally unwarranted. The attempt to exterminate the Jewish invaders of Muslim property is a just cause. Opposing a just cause is a war crime. Israel’s complaint that the Hamas missiles are indiscriminately killing innocent non-combatants is false. Since Jews are the source of problems all over the world none of them are innocent.”
Press Secretary Jen Psaki praised President Biden’s foresight in the matter, saying “if he hadn’t restored the $200 million in aid to Palestine that Trump had previously cut off Hamas wouldn’t have been able to afford the rockets they needed to bombard Israel. Unfortunately, the aid that the United States has given to Israel has enabled them to deploy superior weaponry that can more accurately pinpoint military targets. This imbalance created an unlevel playing field and enabled a disproportionate Israeli retaliation for the indiscriminate Hamas rocket attacks. The equalization of firepower is one of the issues that must be addressed and remedied going forward.”
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) hailed Biden’s leadership, saying “without his steady hand who knows what might have happened. We need a long-term solution. I understand that many years ago there was a plan to move all the world’s Jews to Madagascar. We should dig that up, modernize it, and implement it. Only by putting miles of ocean between the Jews and everyone else can there be any hope for lasting peace.”
Satirical Look at Recent News
John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program. Please do us a favor. If you use material created by Mr. Semmens, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.