NJ Dem Says “Still Time to Turn Election Around”

By: John Semmens

Long-time New Jersey Senate President Steve Sweeney brushed off his election day defeat at the hands of a political novice, insisting that “this ain’t over yet. I just heard that another 12,000 ballots have been found in the trunk of a car in Newark. That’s more than enough to change the outcome. Just last year they were still counting votes in the 2020 presidential election long after election day. So, there’s still time to turn this election around if we keep working on it.”

“Besides, the notion that a truck driver who spent a total of $153 on his campaign could defeat one of this state’s most beloved public servants defies all logic,” Sweeney argued. “Money is what decides election outcomes these days. Every professional knows that. Big donors determine which candidates are best to govern and injects sufficient funds into the campaigns to make sure they are the winners. We just need a little more time for this well-tested model to work and restore me to my rightful place in the State Senate.”

Sweeney went on to deride his opponent Edward Durr’s assertion that “he won because voters believe he will fight for their rights. C’mon man, no one with any sense believes that a state can be governed by people with such naive ideas. Trying to use such out-dated concepts in modern America will lead to disaster. I’m confident that our search for more ballots will prove that voters are too smart to have elected a rube like Durr.”

Democratic National Committee chairman Jaime Harrison called the election of Durr “proof that the Republican Party has become a party of fascism and fear. Replacing a man with elite political skills with an ignorant bumpkin who delivers furniture for a living is a mistake we cannot allow to happen.”

In related news, the success of the GOP at the polls this week spurred the Whitmer Administration in Michigan to order the destruction of all official correspondence related to COVID. A Whitmer spokesperson called this “standard procedure for when an enemy army seems likely to overrun your position. There’s no sense in leaving anything behind that could be used against you.”

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