Pelosi Vows to Keep Leadership Post

By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News  House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) vowed that she would keep her post as Speaker despite huge Republican gains that now make Democrats the minority party in the House of Representatives.“The American people want and need me to lead the House of Representatives,” Pelosi insisted. “I have the experience and the ‘name recognition.’ I’ve lost count of how many times I was mentioned in the campaign ads for Republicans who won. Many owe their seats to me. They should acknowledge this and pay back the favor.”Pelosi promised she would “take a bipartisan approach to naming committee chairs,” and said “it is conceivable that one or more of these posts could go to Republicans. It’s important that we don’t lose momentum. Over the last two years Democrats had to do most of the heavy lifting on the president’s agenda for reform. Now it’s time for the GOP to bear a fairer share of this burden. Retaining me as Speaker will ensure that we stay on track.”The Speaker contrasted her “proven leadership” with the “negative ramblings” of Minority Leader John Boehner. “Rather than building upon what we’ve accomplished so far, Mr. Boehner says he wants to cut government spending and block implementation of health care reform. President Obama won’t stand for that. Having Mr. Boehner as Speaker would only lead to a series of vetoes and lack of progress on the President’s important initiatives. When members of Mr. Boehner’s Party realize this I think they’ll turn to me to lead them.”President Obama characterized Pelosi’s pitch as “unusual, but not unreasonable. Look, I can still rule by Executive Order if I have to. That would render Congress largely superfluous. But by retaining Nancy as Speaker they’d still be in the game and get a few ‘bones’ tossed their way every now and then.”Journal Defends Anonymous SnipingPOLITICO executive editor Jim VandeHei defended his publication’s use of anonymous attacks on Sarah Palin as “essential to the way we do business.”“Granted, an anonymous source is unverifiable,” VandeHei confessed. “But sometimes it’s all you’ve got. Does this create suspicion that the entire thing is fabricated? You bet. Still, as long as people keep reading our mission is accomplished.”To try to dampen suspicions that the anti-Palin quotes might have been fake, VandeHei posited the very plausible alternative that “it is entirely credible that these GOP ‘pussies’ who’re anonymously complaining about Palin don’t have the balls to take her on face-to-face. I mean she’s dynamic, assertive and politically astute. Who wouldn’t be afraid of her?”President Explains “Enemies” ReferencePresident Barack Obama defended his reference to Republicans as “enemies,” calling it “one of those self-evident truths to anyone who’s been paying attention.”“I am on a great crusade to transform America into a better country,” Obama boasted. “Who would oppose making America a better country? Enemies of all that is good and right, that’s who.”The President admitted that “It may have been impolitic of me to come right out and say it, but it kind of proves my point when I get hammered for my honesty. I mean, do they prefer dishonesty? Perhaps they do, but using my own words against me is the type of ‘low blow’ we should expect from the minions of evil that I’ve been facing on a daily basis these last two years.”Muslim Demands Court Overrule Oklahoma Voters on Sharia LawMuneer Awad, executive director of the Council on American-Islamic Relations in Oklahoma, has filed suit asking that the court overturn the voters’ choice on “Question 755.” Question 755—a measure restricting Oklahoma judges to base rulings on state and federal law—was approved by 70 percent of voters on November 2.Awad argued that “voters do not have the authority to negate the holy law of Islam. The law of God must take precedence over any civil concoction. For courts to impede my practice of my religion by ignoring the commands of sharia violates my human rights.”“Nothing illustrates this more clearly than the anti-family bent of American civil law,” Awad continued. “Under a false banner of ‘women’s rights,’ civil law interferes with my ability to protect my wife’s and daughters’ virtue. It is bad enough that they have to observe the shameless unbelievers wantonly exposing their faces in public, but for the law to say that they have the right to imitate them or to travel about unescorted lures them into depravity—something that I have the obligation to prevent. I must resist this oppression by getting this vote thrown out.”In related news, a Swedish Marxist explained his “conversion” to Islam. “Both Communism and Islam provide a structure that relieves the individual from the anxieties forced upon him by freedom,” he said. “Yet, both also support total freedom of action against enemies. There are no moral dilemmas. If you need to kill someone to advance the cause you can do it without having to dither over the cost. This is very liberating.”Health Care Repeal a “Non-Starter” Says GibbsDespite indications that opposition to the President’s health care reform fueled the large GOP gain in Congress, Presidential Press Secretary Robert Gibbs declared possible repeal a “non-starter.”“We don’t know for sure why people voted for Republicans,” Gibbs argued. “It could’ve been as Maureen Dowd said—people are just dumb. To leap from this assumption to the idea that voters want the health care law repealed isn’t warranted.”“Besides, even it is what voters want now who’s to say they won’t change their minds next week?” Gibbs added. “No, the President is determined that America needs this law and will fight any attempt to undo it.”Gibbs downplayed a potential GOP strategy of simply refusing to appropriate the funds needed to implement the law. “We will find the necessary funds, of that I can assure you,” Gibbs said. “One idea that is under review is for the Federal Reserve to create the funds to buy a special health care debt issue. This way we could bypass the whole congressional appropriations process.”Election Debacle Emanuel’s Fault White House SaysA White House Spokesman insisting on anonymity laid the blame for the drubbing Democrats took November 2 on recently departed Chief-of-Staff Rahm Emanuel. “He had us put too much emphasis on ‘creative balloting’ then bailed before we could fully implement it,” the spokesman contended. “Deceased voters can’t fill out their own ballots. And if we don’t provide adequate transportation many will be limited to casting only one or two votes. I don’t think he’ll be so lackadaisical in his race for mayor in Chicago next year.”China Worried about GOP Ascendancy in CongressKau Pi, Minister of Commerce for the Chinese Government expressed dismay over the transfer of power from Democrats to Republicans in the recent House of Representatives’ elections. “We were confident of the destruction of the US Dollar and economy as long as Congress was there to rubber stamp President Obama’s initiatives,” Kau said. “His high taxes and wasteful spending are tying a millstone around the necks of the capitalists. Perhaps the rising power of the opposition party will slow this process.”Democrats’ Political Fortunes Hurt by Lack of TragedyLongtime Democratic pollster Mark Penn attributed the Democrats’ dismal showing at the polls on November 2 to “the lack of a sympathy-generating tragedy. Clinton had the Oklahoma City bombing and Bush had the 911 attacks. True, Obama had the Fort Hood shootings, but the body-count wasn’t of critical mass. If a few hundred had been killed by some McVeigh-type kook I think we’d have been looking at an entirely different outcome.”President’s Pre-Election Disappearance ExplainedThe absence from public view of President Obama on the Monday before election day was explained by Press Secretary Robert Gibbs as “an episode of tremendous heroism in the face of great danger. You may have heard the story of rescue of Elyse Frankcom in Australia by an ‘unidentified man. Well I am pleased to be able to tell you that the man was none other than President Obama.”Nineteen-year-old Frankcom was leading a “swimming with dolphins” encounter in waters off western Australia when she was grabbed by a 10 foot long great white shark. An unidentified man described as a fairly large male, pulled on the shark’s tail causing the animal to release the girl. She is expected to fully recover. The man declined publicity and refused to give his name.“Clearly, the president fits the description,” Gibbs declared. “So, while his political enemies were busy tending to their own interests, President Obama was halfway around the world saving a life and declining to take credit for it,” Gibbs bragged. “It’s just the kind of guy he is.”John Semmens’ ArchivesMore Semmens Archives