FBI Admits Suspected Brain Damage Was Factor in 'No Indictment' Decision

 John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent NewsIt was revealed this week that suspected brain damage was a key factor in FBI Director James Comey's decision to recommend against indicting former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton for her serial lawbreaking and security breaches regarding her emails.“In the interview with our agents the former Secretary came across as a person of seriously diminished mental capacity,” FBI spokesman William Dodge explained. “She couldn't recall ever having been briefed on security matters—despite being shown her signature on a document affirming she had. She professed not to know that the letter 'C' on emails meant 'confidential. She couldn't remember who she asked to set up her private off site server. She 'misplaced' a dozen mobile devices that had classified communications on them. She couldn't even remember the name of the ambassador killed in Benghazi. It was clear to us that Secretary Clinton would likely plead 'not guilty by reason of diminished mental capacity.'”“When you add in testimony from her chief aides describing her as 'often confused' and 'frequently disoriented' it appeared that taking the matter to trial would have been a highly risky undertaking,” Dodge said. “Win or lose, a trial would have shown that from 2009 to 2013 the US State Department was being headed by a person who was either cavalierly indifferent to the law or too impaired to have been entrusted with such a demanding position of responsibility. When we include the rather substantial indications that Secretary Clinton may have inappropriately used her government position to solicit monetary rewards it was clear that the Administration's reputation could have sustained significant negative impact. Rather than invite this trauma, Director Comey opted for saving the nation from it, much in the same way that former President Ford did by pardoning Nixon.”In related news, attorneys for Hillary Clinton are said to be preparing a lawsuit challenging a potential loss at the polls, citing the Americans with Disabilities Act as the basis. “Based on the resumes of the candidates, Secretary Clinton is clearly the most qualified of the job applicants,” claimed lead attorney Susan Moore. “If voters pass over her to put a less qualified person in the White House it would be a clear violation of the law barring employers from discriminating against the disabled. We hope it won't have to come to this. Voters could spare the nation the disruption and substantial monetary penalties they would be liable for by simply electing her president on November 8^th.”Democrat VP Candidate Lashes Out at Trump & MediaHillary Clinton’s running mate Sen. Tim Kaine (D-Va) took offense at GOP presidential candidate Donald Trump's “exploitation of tragedy” in his argument against sanctuary cities. In sanctuary cities, government officials have ordered police to ignore federal law against illegal immigration. Some of the illegal immigrants protected by sanctuary cities have gone on the kill Americans. In remarks given at a rally in Arizona this week Trump invited parents of children killed by illegal immigrants to speak to the crowd.Kaine labeled Trump's inclusion of these grieving parents “political pandering at its worst. Using surviving family members to argue against the policy decisions of any level of government strikes me as disloyal and disruptive. I'm not saying these parents didn't suffer a real loss, but we need to keep a balanced perspective. The number of people killed by undocumented residents is very small compared to the number killed by home-grown urban gangs or racist cops.”Trump campaign CEO Steve Bannon called Kaine's complaint “ironic, considering that the Democrats have sided with the Black Lives Matter propaganda that seeks to elevate dangerous confrontations between police and armed criminals as evidence of racism. All of the victims whose parents participated in the Trump rally in Arizona were innocent, unarmed individuals going about their own business. None of them would have been killed if this country's immigration laws had been enforced. Allowing the parents to speak out against the injustice and ineptitude of the Democratic Party's policies is a step toward righting the wrongs of those policies so that other families won't have to suffer from continued injustice and ineptitude at the hands of a Clinton Administration.”Kaine also told an audience in Pennsylvania that “it is every voter's right to know whether a candidate is honest enough and fit enough to take on the demanding tasks of the presidency. One of the ways of examining these questions is by reviewing the communications, financial records, and health reports of each candidate.” Kaine contrasted Trump with Clinton, saying that “Secretary Clinton's communications have been thoroughly vetted by the FBI and pronounced free of indictable offenses. She has released her tax returns. And she has demonstrated her physical fitness on TV. Meanwhile, Trump is being given a free pass on any scrutiny by a corrupt and curiously uninquisitive media.”Hillary Vows Tough Stance Against CyberattacksCalling cyberattacks (hacking into computers) “just as bad and just as much of a threat to this nation as the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor,” Democratic presidential candidate former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton promised that she “would respond just as forcefully as President Roosevelt did 75 years ago.”Clinton told the largely VFW audience in Ohio that “I can attest from personal experience that having your email hacked can be devastating. The recent hacks of my emails published by Wikileaks have aided forces hostile to the continuation of the policies put in place by President Obama. By damaging my chances at the polls these anti-American spies have proven they are a greater threat than the misguided suicide bombers that my opponent would have voters believe is our country's primary enemy.”The candidate asserted that “while military options won't be our first course of action we must reserve our right to use force if force is necessary. I hope that diplomatic pressure will be sufficient to compel Ecuador to turn Assange over to us. I'm confident that with enhanced interrogation we will be able to extract the identities of the Russian agents who breached my emails. Then we can issue an ultimatum designed to bring Russia to heel.”Vice-President Joe Biden attempted to bolster Hillary's position by pointing out that “I’ve got a military aide with me carrying a briefcase. That briefcase has the nuclear codes in it and, if I needed to, I could open it up and launch a nuclear strike on anyone who threatens America.”The audience response to Clinton's and Biden's remarks was polite, but tepid. Ninety year old WWII veteran Joe Middling admitted he was “unpersuaded that the travails suffered by Secretary Clinton represent as clear and present a danger as the kamikazes we had to face at Okinawa. Maybe I lack the computer savvy to appreciate her message, but an ultimatum to Russia seems kind of risky to me. Couldn't she just buy them off with another uranium deal? And should Biden be bragging that he can nuke someone? That sounds kinda nuts to me.”In related news, Clinton insisted that Trump's recent meeting with Mexican President Enrique Peña Nieto was “a failure. Not only did he not come back with a check to pay for his silly wall. He also overlooked the bigger strategic picture. We need to keep the border open to help the United States to acquire the manpower to strengthen the progressive transformation initiated by President Obama. Importing more fecund Latinos will lessen the reproductive burden on Americans. More Americans will be free to pursue their transgender dreams without guilt. More Americans will be able to have their homes cleaned and lawns mowed at a reasonable price. And more will turn out to vote for progressive candidates and policies.”IRS Identifies ID Theft, Does NothingThe Treasury Inspector General for Tax Administration (TIGTA) issued a report this week indicating that the IRS had discovered more than a million cases of identity theft but failed to notify any of the victims.IRS Commissioner John Koskinen defended the lack of effort to inform the taxpayers whose identities were stolen as “not the agency's job. Look, in the vast majority of these thefts the stolen IDs are merely being used by undocumented residents to obtain employment. There is no negative impact on the government. If a person's ID is stolen and someone else uses it to get a job that means that more cash will be flowing to the government because two separate individuals will be paying taxes under the same Social Security number. What's the harm in that?”Koskinen brushed off fears that more income being reported under the same SSN could trigger problems for a taxpayer. “If someone gets audited all he has to do is prove that the extra income wasn't his,” Koskinen reassured. “As for the possibility that at some future date two separate claims for SS benefits might be filed, well, that wouldn't be the IRS' problem. Social Security benefits are handled by another agency.”Kerry Says Media Blowing Terrorism Out of ProportionThis week, US Secretary of State John Kerry took the media to task for exaggerating the threat of terrorism. “I can't open a newspaper or turn on the TV without having to see some story about suicide bombers or Allahu akbar murderers shooting up a shopping mall,” Kerry complained. “Its so repetitive it's tiresome.”“It's not as if we're talking about an existential threat to the United States,” Kerry contended. “The number of people killed in these attacks is relatively small. Most, I would assume, are covered by insurance as are the businesses damaged by the explosions. Life goes on. We need to learn to live with this.”The Secretary suggested that media coverage “should be briefer and less sensational. Unless someone important is among the casualties I can't see the point in stirring up needless anxiety. If they feel they have to cover a bombing or massacre reporters could point out that the President and the nation's leaders are safe. This will help calm people and allay their fears.”Voters Will Have to Elect Hillary to See a Press ConferenceStriving to snag the curious vote, Clinton’s lead press secretary, Brian Fallon, urged “those who are so eager to see Hillary give a press conference can elect her president. Presidents always have press conferences. As the head of government she'll have a lot to say to the press.”Fallon justified the campaign's dearth of media interaction as “just building up the suspense and anticipation. I hear that there is some speculation that the multiple questions and flashing cameras will spark a seizure. Well, the only way to find out is to get her into office and see.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

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