Clintons Mock Trump's Lewd Conversation from 2005

By  John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

A Washington Post story about a lewd conversation between Donald Trump and Billy Bush of “Access Hollywood” in 2005 was viewed with scorn and derision by both Bill and Hillary Clinton.Bill homed in on Trump's description of his attempt to seduce a woman by offering to buy her furniture. “What kind of a loser has to stoop so low to garner the attentions of aB?” he asked. “On top of that Trump admits that he failed to achieve his objective. Kissinger was the one who had it right—power is the ultimate aphrodisiac. Maybe if Trump had been a governor or president he would've had better luck.”Hillary cited the crude talk as “further proof of his unfitness to be president. Anyone who's view of women is so crass and disrespectful doesn't belong in the Oval Office.” Hillary dismissed suggestions that Trump's attitudes might resemble her husband's, saying “for the record, Bill has neither been convicted or even indicted for inappropriate behavior toward women,” and alleged that “the women who accused him have all been discredited. That's why you won't see the media repeating their lies.”There might be some technical validity to Hillary's contentions. After all, Bill was never indicted. He was impeached by the House of Representatives for perjury rather than for inappropriate behavior toward women. Though he was not convicted by the Senate he was stripped of his license to practice law. And the mainstream media, which has openly veered from journalistic ethics to try to ensure another Clinton presidency, has steadfastly neglected to pursue the testimony of the many women claiming they were physically molested, or worse, by Bill.Sen. Claire McCaskill (D-Mo) defended the Clintons, claiming that “the good they both have done on the political front for women by ensuring that abortions remain freely available outweighs whatever either of them may have done to harm them on a more personal level. Even the high estimates of the number of women fondled or assaulted by Bill and the number whose reputations were smeared by Hillary only amounts to a few dozen individuals. Against this small negative number millions of women have been aided in terminating unwanted pregnancies thanks to the tireless efforts of the Clintons against those seeking to limit this vital women's right.” To date, the worst that can be said of Trump his that his words have sometimes been unkind toward women. No women have come forward with anything stronger than to say “he called me fat” or “he said I was ugly.” The question is whether Trump's words are worse than Bill's actions or Hillary's efforts to trash the reputations of his accusers. Perhaps voters will render a verdict on this come November.Will the US Go to War with Russia over Syria?Tensions surrounding the war-torn nation of Syria ratcheted up this week with Secretary of State John Kerry charging Russia with war crimes, Russia threatening to shoot down US planes that attack its Syrian government ally, and US Army Chief of Staff General Mark Milley boasting to the Russians that “we will beat you harder than you have ever been beaten before.”On one side we have the Russians and the murderous Assad regime. On the other side we have the bumbling Obama Administration and its confusing alliance with anti-Assad jihadis. The unanswered question is whether the issue of which side wins is worthy of a war with Russia. Secretary Kerry seems to think it is.“I've argued for the use of force in Syria,” Kerry said. “The war crimes being committed by Russia and Syria are reminiscent of those committed by the Nazis and Japs in World War II. We didn't back away from the challenge then even though the cost in lives and money were substantial. Humanity demands that we not back away now.”Kerry went on to argue that “the possibility that Donald Trump might win the upcoming election makes it more imperative that action be initiated before he gains the power to block it. From his public remarks about NATO, Putin, and the Cold War it is clear that he is outside the consensus of decades worth of thinking on these matters. The notion that the United States might live on friendly terms with Russia or even become allies with them against an imagined Islamic threat is the opposite of what the Obama Administration stands for. It mustn't be allowed to happen.”In related news, the US Department of Justice decided to drop its case against Marc Turi for illegally trafficking in weapons when it discovered that Turi's sale of armaments to jihadi terrorists in Libya was part of a scheme originated by the State Department during the tenure of Secretary Hillary Clinton. Attorney General Loretta Lynch apologized for persecuting Turi and wasting everyone's time, saying that “if we had known that Mr. Turi had documentary evidence backing up his claim to have been working on behalf of the State Department we'd have never moved against him. We are closing the books on this case and regret any embarrassment it may have caused any of those involved.”Court Rules States Cannot Reject RefugeesJudge Richard Posner, writing for the three-judge panel of the U.S. Court of Appeals for the Seventh Circuit, ruled that “governors have no authority to reject Syrian refugees being sent to their states. Neither do mayors, landlords, or homeowners have the right to block the placement of refugees in their towns, buildings, or households if that is what the President determines is in the best interest of the country. The idea that any of these other parties can refuse to cooperate in the refugee relocation program just because they deem it dangerous is not supported by law or the Constitution.”In support of the court's decision Posner characterized the risks accompanying the importation of refugees from areas infested with Islamic terrorists as “low. In the last year there have been only 62 attacks mounted by jihadis in America. Only 64 people have been killed. In comparison, 16,000 people were murdered by non-jihadis during the same time period. Likewise, there were 35,000 traffic fatalities in this time frame. So, in terms of the odds for meeting a violent death, letting a few terrorists into a state or city will make little difference.”Clinton campaign spokesman Robby Mook hailed the court's ruling as “a vindication of Secretary Clinton's proposal to boost the importation of Syrian refugees by 500% if she's elected president. For Trump to try to parlay the tiny increase in danger into a winning campaign issue is futile. We're confident that voters will see through his scare mongering and accept the minor hike in their daily risk as a price they're willing to pay to have the most qualified person ever to seek the presidency as their new Commander-in-Chief.”Voter “Irregularities” Popping Up Across the NationAs election day grows nearer reports of voter irregularities are surfacing in numerous locations around the country.In Texas, the Attorney General’s Office is investigating a vote-harvesting scheme involving as many as 20,000 bogus ballots in Tarrant County. The vote harvesting scheme entails Democratic Party operatives “helping” the elderly, mentally incapacitated, and the economically disadvantaged fill out their ballots, if not actually forging signatures and manufacturing non-existent voters. In Philadelphia, a spot check by Joseph Vanderhulst, an attorney with the Public Interest Legal Foundation, found that 86 non-citizens have been registered to vote for years with half of them casting ballots in at least one election. City officials explained that “if the citizenship box on the welfare application form is blank we go ahead and register them to vote just to be on the safe side.” Oddly, 59 applicants with blank citizenship boxes were registered as Democrats, 21 as independents, and 6 as Republicans—ratios officials claim “are proportionate to legally registered voters in the City.”In Indiana, an investigation of voter registration fraud has been extended to 56 different counties. The inquiry was sparked by a discovery that “the Indiana Voter Registration Project was altering already registered voter’s information and changing the voter's address to an address not associated with the voter without the voter’s knowledge or consent,” Secretary of State Connie Lawson said in a statement. Craig Varoga released a statement on behalf of the Indiana Voter Registration Project calling the investigation “a racist attempt to disenfranchise 45,000 African-Americans.” Lawson called the charge “outrageous. We don’t ask for race or ethnicity on our voter registration applications. There's no way we could single out anyone for racial reasons.”In Ohio, an electrician stumbled across a dozen black, sealed ballot boxes filled with thousands of Franklin County ballots with votes for Hillary Clinton and other Democrat candidates already filled in. Since early voting in Ohio doesn't start until October 12 these ballots can't be genuine. Why they would be hidden in a basement electrical closet seems suspicious.In Virginia, a sampling of eight localities found more than 1,000 non-citizens registered to vote. The sampling was undertaken when the Virginia Voters Alliance noticed that the northern Virginia city of Alexandria had more people registered to vote than eligible voters who lived there. Gov. Terry McAuliffe (D) responded by ordering officials in other Virginia localities to ignore any further requests from the Virginia Voters Alliance for voter registration information.In Connecticut, State Rep. Christina Ayala (D-Bridgeport) was arrested for voting in 19 in local and state elections in districts where she she did not live. The Elections Enforcement Commission also recommended criminal charges be filed against her mother Santa Ayala, the Democratic registrar of voters in Bridgeport.In related news, First Lady Michelle Obama delivered a fiery speech In North Carolina urging voters to elect Hillary Clinton because “we need someone who's honest and plays by the rules as our next president.” Half the audience laughed. The other half audibly gasped.Clinton Wins Straw Ballot at San Quentin PrisonIn what was billed as a preview of a newly passed California law that will permit imprisoned felons to vote for real next year, a limited trial run was conducted by the inmate-run newspaper at San Quentin State Prison this week. The inmates were given an opportunity to vote for president of the United States and on Proposition 62, which would outlaw capital punishment.Democrat Hillary Clinton won with 79% of the vote. Green Party candidate Jill Stein finished second with 11%. Donald Trump was third with 9%. Editor of the inmate paper Arnulfo Garcia speculated that “the results might reflect a greater feeling of comfort with the Democrat. On a personal level, many of the men I've talked to express an admiration for her ability to break the rules and elude consequences. On a political level, they feel that Democrats are more in sync with their values. Mrs. Clinton's decision to side with Black Lives Matter in their battle with the police has won many over to her side.”On Proposition 62, inmates voted 91% in favor of repealing the death penalty. Garcia observed that “from my discussions with inmates it seems that most of the so-called murders were really accidents. They hit a person harder than they intended, stabbed him more than they should have, or shot him out of nervousness. In other cases, the claim is that the victim brought it on himself by resisting, not following instructions in a timely manner, or just being a jerk who needed killing.”Sponsor of the legislation Assembly Woman Shirley Weber (D-79^th District) praised the mock election as “a promising glimpse of a bright future. It is long past the time when we ought to have recognized that criminals are also human beings and deserve the right to participate in the election of our government. They shouldn't be slaves to laws created without their consent. Who knows, maybe if prisoners had been voting all along the crimes of which they were convicted wouldn't have been crimes and they wouldn't be in jail now.”In related news, in this week's vice-presidential debate Democratic candidate Sen. Tim Kaine (Va) pronounced his “most difficult moral dilemma as a Catholic when I was Governor was grappling with the death penalty.” He contrasted his personal opposition to “killing a real human being” with “Republicans' obsession with denying women the right to control what comes out of their own bodies. There's no proof that these partially formed biological masses are true human beings as we understand it.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

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