San Fran to Pay Criminals to Not Shoot People

By: John Semmens

Starting this October the City of San Francisco will pay criminals $300 per month for each person they don't shoot. The program is called the “Dream Keeper Fellowship.” Executive director of the Human Rights Commission Sheryl Davis said “in addition to the bounty for not killing people, street gang members will be paired with newly hired life coaches from the Street Violence Intervention Program, known as SVIP, who will help the them make the right choices and access services.”

“The program will be funded by diverting funding from the police,” Mayor London Breed said. “We decided that rather than trying to scare or forcibly restrain these young men from killing each other we should offer them monetary incentives to do the right thing. I know that $300 is not a lot of money in our city, but when you combine this with our decriminalization of shoplifting and the outlawing of rent, a person can have a comfortable life without being forced to take a job.”

Area resident and Speaker of the US House of Representatives Nancy Pelosi (D) called the program “a model of how life could be changed for the better under a more progressive governance. The conservative delusion that work must precede consumption has been disproven. The federal government has the authority to create a quantity of money sufficient to meet the needs of an unlimited number of people. When we add in the money saved from discontinuing expenditures for law enforcement, national defense, border control and other unnecessary programs we can afford an edenic era of indolence that will unchain the aspirations of every man, woman and child that chooses to make America their home.”