Pfizer Announces “Covicure”

By John Semmens

Fresh off its triumph of getting the Food & Drug Administration (FDA) to approve its comirnaty vaccine, Pfizer has announced its success in developing a cure for COVID.

Company spokesman Brad Lyman explained “while we have every confidence that comirnaty will prove invincible against the coronavirus we acknowledge that it may not be possible to vaccinate everyone as often as is needed to maintain immunity. Not wanting to leave the world without a back-up plan, we developed covicure. This oral medication comes in two versions covicure-H and covicure-I.”

“Both of these drugs contain a proprietary blend of vitamins B, C & D, zinc, lactoferrin, melatonin, N-acetyl cysteine (NAC), quercetin, and an alternate secret ingredient—one called 'H' and the other called 'I,'” Lyman said. “Numerous trials of these substances over the past year-and-a-half have demonstrated a very high success rate against the virus. We're now taking the next logical step of patenting our special blends, which we feel will quickly achieve FDA approval.”

The company estimated that once these products hit the market a two-week course of treatment can be provided at a cost of $5,000 per patient—an amount that Lyman called “very reasonable considering there are no other effective approved alternatives for the treatment of this deadly disease.”

In related news, the American Medical Association, American Pharmacists Association, and American Society of Health-System Pharmacists called for an immediate end to ordering, prescribing, or dispensing of ivermectin to prevent or treat COVID-19. The group labeled the numerous reports of the success of this drug in treating the virus in various places including India, Africa, and Peru “anectdotal” and “not applicable to the far more sophisticated medical knowledge and practice in the United States.”