T-Mobile Issues Own Vax Mandate

By: John Semmens

Alarmed that the recent Supreme Court overruling of President Biden's vaccine mandate “could unleash a monster wave of covid that will decimate the world's piopulation,” T-Mobile proclaimed its own mandate. In a memo addressed to everyone alive, the Company announced that every employee, every vendor of components for our products, and every consumer of our services must be vaccinated by April 2, 2022.”

“Those not in compliance will be appropriately sanctioned,” the memo added. “Disobedient employees will be fired, Vendors' contracts will be cancelled. Customers' cell phone service will be terminated.”

CEO Michael Sievert explained, “I was having nightmares that civilization as we know it could be brought down by a combination of aloof and uncaring Justices, the evil machinations of medical quacks, and the indifference of the masses who inordinately prize personal autonomy. While President Biden's heart is in the right place, he lacks the personal discipline to utilize the full power inherent in the Office of the President of the United States to rescue us from the looming catastrophe. T-Mobile will now fill the vacuum.”