Biden Offers Money-Saving Tips

By: John Semmens

As an aid to coping with inflation, President Biden urged families to “switch to renewable energy because it will save them money. The average family car costs over $700 per month to operate. Selling this cash-eater will eliminate that cost. Taking public transit will shift the majority of your travel costs to the government where it will be paid for by taxpayers. An even thriftier and more healthy option would be to walk everywhere you go. There's no fare to pay and the exercise is good for you. It will also help save the planet from Climate Change.”

“You can save on heating and cooling costs by following a few simple energy-saving practices,” the President advised. “In the winter be sure to close all your windows to keep out the cold air. Try to spend more time huddling together for warmth just like the pioneers did. In the summer time open all your windows to let the hot air out. Avoid huddling together. Go outside and sit in the shade away from other people. If you must be indoors use a hand-held fan to cool yourself. This also is good exercise. Do as little cooking as possible. Eat most of your food raw. Considering that a majority of Americans are over-weight, just eat less period!”

“Americans already own too much stuff,” he added. “You don't need all that junk. Rather than waste money buying it learn to get by with less. Most of what you own is going to the land fill when you die anyway. Enjoy just a few simple pleasures like a day in the park or a challenging game of tic-tac-toe—things have have kept me happy and intellectually stimulated all my life.”

“Finally, if you insist on narrowing the gap by boosting your income, do like Hunter does—snag some profitable consulting contracts or favorable trade deals with foreign governments,” his proud father suggested. “He used to be a crack addict, but turned his life around. He now rakes in millions per year through grit and hard work. Maybe you can do the same.”