CDC Addresses Monkeypox

By: John Semmens

Pessimistic about the prospects of dissuading at-risk persons from having sex with carriers of the monkeypox virus, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) published “safe sex guidelines.”

The guidelines included: “try to maintain a minimum of six feet between you and your sex partner, avoid kissing—blown kisses cannot be considered safe, so don't do that either, do not remove any clothing, conceal any pox sores on your face by wearing your covid mask and a knit cap pulled down over your forehead, wear gloves if you have sores on your hands, remember to wash off any semen or feces they may get on your hands while masturbating, and burn your clothes when done.”

Tedros Adhanom, Director-General‎ of the World Health Organization (WHO) says “we are working on a new name for the disease because the current name stigmatizes having sex with monkeys. In many parts of the world, polygamy leaves many men without much of an opportunity to interact with a human female. Some of these men have turned to monkeys or other men as substitutes. They don't deserve the added humiliation implied by the term monkeypox.”

“A favored option for a new name is African Covid,” Adhanom said. “In addition to the pox sores, patients experience a flu-like illness. First, most of the victims of monkeypox are Africans, Second, covid is a flu-like illness. Luckily we have lots of covid vaccine doses leftover. By naming it African Covid we can make use of the leftover doses without looking too stupid for ordering so much of an ineffective medication. We can also boost the number of Africans injected up to respectable levels and mute criticisms that Africans didn't get their fair share of the vaccines.”

In related news, Pfizer has discontinued its clinical trial for Paxlovid, its COVID-19 antiviral medication. CEO Albert Bourla explained, “the Trial showed that Paxlovid did not reduce symptoms, hospitalizations, or deaths among those receiving the drug. This replicates the trial results we got for the mRNA covid vaccine. Following the same procedure our next step is to seek emergency use approval. I doubt Paxlovid sales will equal the bonanza we reaped from the vaccine, but a few more billion dollars in profits is better than none.”