Illegal Student Loan Forgiveness Plan Tweaked

Although courts have already ruled that President Biden's attempt to unilaterally decree the forgiveness of a portion of student loan debt is not legal, plans are underway to reissue the illegal decree with a new twist. Students who major in studies that provide few opportunities for remunerative employment will be given "first dibs" on loan forgiveness.

Secretary of Education Miguel Angel Cardona explained "there's little sense in forgiving the debt of students who major in science or engineering. Grads with degrees in these subjects are in great demand in the private sector and will likely be paid well. In contrast, a student with a degree in transgender studies faces a much bleaker future because there is little to no need for such people in the private sector."

"Our plan in the short term is to free the bearers of useless degrees from having to repay their debt," Cardona said. "In the meantime, we need to create new laws and regulations that would make it mandatory for private businesses to employ these people to help them navigate the complex social equity requirements that the new laws and regulations will implement."