By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
Homeland Security Secretary Janet Nipplitaliano says that her agency’s ability to protect Americans from “man-caused disasters” is being hampered by “an unexpected display of fanaticism and determination by the al-Qaeda organization. We’ve offered leniency, monetary incentives—the types of things that have traditionally worked for prosecutors dealing with even the most hardened of criminals—without success. It’s like these people would rather blow themselves up than make a deal with us.”
The Obama Administration’s “law enforcement” approach to dealing with Muslim terrorists looks like it will be more complicated than anticipated. Umar Farouk AbdulMutallab, the individual caught in the act of allegedly attempting to set off a bomb during a Christmas Day flight to Detroit, has pled “not guilty.” AbdulMutallab’s lawyers are now claiming their client is an innocent victim.
“Mr. AbdulMutallab was duped,” said his attorney, Adlai Forcash. “He had a particularly severe case of jock itch and was told that the balm he was given to put in his underwear would be more effective if he applied heat. He was engaged in an effort to apply heat when he was assaulted by a fellow passenger and sustained serious injury to his testicles. These damages, as well as the slanderous allegations that he is a terrorist will form the basis of a multimillion dollar lawsuit against Northwest Airlines, his assailant, and the media that have completely misrepresented the event.”
Attorney General Eric Holder belittled the threat of a lawsuit and expressed confidence that his office would be “successful in whittling down the amount we have to pay Mr. AbdulMutallab for his losses.”
Press Secretary Rebuffs “Nosy” Media
Complaints from CBS News’ Mark Knoller that President Obama hasn’t taken any questions from the media since July of 2009 sparked a sharp rebuke from Press Secretary Robert Gibbs.
“The President doesn’t really have to answer anyone’s questions, Mr. Knoller,” Gibbs asserted. “He is, after all, the ruler of this country at least until January of 2013. I think he’s been quite generous with his time for the media. You’ve seen him golfing, you’ve seen him surfing, you’ve seen him play basketball—all within the past two weeks—what more do you need?”
“If there’s anything that the President feels you need to know, he’ll tell you,” Gibbs added. “I mean, you’ve got to admit that he knows more about what you need to know than you do. Patience is what’s called for, not nosy prying into matters beyond the media’s or the voters’ expertise.”
In related news, C-Span was denied permission to provide coverage of the House/Senate reconciliation negotiations on the healthcare legislation. “There’s already been too much coverage,” said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif). “Voters are getting stirred up the enemies of progressive change. More exposure at this stage could sabotage the bill’s chances.”
Dems Say More Jobs on the Way
In an effort to offset December’s uninspiring employment numbers—more jobs lost than gained, unemployment still at 10% (officially) and 17% (unofficially: counting those who’ve given up looking for work)—key Democrats announced plans to boost employment.
President Barack Obama boasted that his “green jobs” initiative is expected to create up to 17,000 jobs at a cost of “only” $2.3 billion. “We are putting people back to work in an environmentally friendly way,” he said. “This is the path to a brighter future for us all.”
The viability of the President’s plan was cast into doubt by the $135,000 cost per job. There are currently over 15 million officially unemployed (about 25 million if we add in the unofficially unemployed). At “green job” rates, it would cost more than $2 trillion to absorb the officially unemployed and more than $3 trillion if we include the unofficially unemployed.
Obama brushed off the daunting fiscal calculations as “excessively anal. This isn’t about numbers. It’s about saving the planet and helping people. We should be willing to spend whatever it takes.”
Meanwhile, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) projected that “passage of the heathcare bill will create up to 400,000 new jobs every year for the next decade. There will be jobs devising the new forms that have to be prepared. There will be jobs filling out the new forms. There will be jobs reviewing the forms and deciding whether the proposed treatments are warranted. There will be jobs on panels set up to hear appeals from decisions made regarding treatments requested on the forms. There will be jobs at the IRS collecting the new fees and taxes. There will be jobs prosecuting those who fail to comply with the new rules. And there will be jobs for those who must guard those sent to prison by the courts for refusing to comply. So, aside from the health benefits, passage of our bill will also stimulate the economy.”
Air Security System to Be Tightened Further
Though the air security system allowed an Islamic terrorist to board a plane and nearly succeed in blowing it up over Detroit on Christmas Day, Obama Administration officials say it is basically sound. White House counterterrorism chief John Brennan emphasized that “only one flight on one day was endangered. Over 99% of flights were safe. I’d call that a pretty good record.”
The fact Umar Farouk AbdulMutallab slipped past several barriers already in place—he was on the terrorist watch list, he had no passport, he had no luggage, he paid cash for his ticket, and was not scanned at either of two airports he passed through—the Administration is going ahead with the creation of new barriers. Scanners that penetrate clothing will be installed at more airports. On top of this “random” body-cavity searches will be performed at the discretion of TSA officers.
“Too many travelers have been mocking our inspection of lotions and complaining about having to take off their shoes,” Brennan said. “Let’s see how bold people are when they realize they can be disrobed and probed if TSA officers on the scene order it. I think this will mute a lot of the on-site criticism that’s been directed at our procedures by airline passengers.”
In related news, the Department of Homeland Security announced that in the event of a biological attack, the distribution of antidotes and antitoxins would be handled by the US Post Office. To help ensure that these antidotes and antitoxins don’t fall into the wrong hands, delivery will be via Certified Mail—requiring addressees to sign for the packages.
Reid Warns Massachusetts Voters against Sending Brown to Senate
Worried by polls indicating that the Republican candidate for the seat previously held by the late Senator Ted Kennedy might win the January 19th special election, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) strongly urged Massachusetts voters to “think twice before they make such a big mistake.”
“It would be unconscionable for the seat held for 40 years by the inestimable Senator Kennedy to be allowed to pass to an enemy of everything he stood for,” Reid declared. “Massachusetts is a progressive state, always has been, always will be. Scott Brown is the antithesis of a progressive. He has no business running in this state. His election would be an insult to Kennedy’s memory.”
Reid held forth the prospect that the Senate could refuse to seat Brown in the unlikely event that voters give him the nod. “Each House of Congress is Constitutionally empowered to be the judge of the qualifications for all of its members,” Reid pointed out. “Brown is too conservative to be qualified to represent a state like Massachusetts. Democrats hold the majority in the Senate. We could vote not to seat him.”
In the event that Reid and the Democrats were to carry out the threat not to seat Brown, “Massachusetts would continue to be represented by Governor Deval Patrick’s appointee, Paul Kirk, until such a time as the voters elect a satisfactory replacement,” Reid suggested.
Obama Official Defends Diverting CIA Resources from Terrorists to Track Global Warming
Despite the narrowly averted murder of 300 airline passengers by a Muslim terrorist on Christmas, CIA Director Leon Panetta defended the Obama Administration shift of CIA assets to tracking global warming.
“As Al Gore has pointed out, global warming is a greater danger to humanity than any actions terrorists might take,” Panetta said. “Terrorists might kill thousands or even millions, but global warming could kill billions.”
Panetta admitted that “terrorists might succeed in overthrowing our way of life, but we could always learn to adapt to a different way of life. Everyone agrees that Islam is a religion of peace. Maybe it is our resistance to it that is responsible for the violence. Once that issue is resolved, the violence should abate.”
“However, we won’t have a chance to adapt to a new way of life if we allow global warming to destroy the Earth,” Panetta continued. “To help try to prevent this disaster, I agree with the President that it is appropriate that we reallocate the CIA’s efforts.”