By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
The Obama Administration filed court papers asserting that “the Government has the authority to use deadly force against its enemies.” The filing came in response to a lawsuit brought by the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) and the Center for Constitutional Rights (CCR) charging that the asserted killing authority violates the US Constitution.
As the US Department of Justice (DOJ) Brief put it, “this Government faces serious threats both at home and abroad. Just this past November 2, over 60 members of the governing coalition were driven from their posts by dangerous right-wing elements who have been identified by the president as enemies of his Administration. Under such a threat, the President, as Commander-in-Chief, has a broad power to take any measures he deems necessary and warranted to protect the nation from this kind of assault.”
The brief further challenged the jurisdiction of the court on this matter: “The voters in America have granted this power to President Barack Obama by electing him to the office he currently holds. For the courts to attempt to place any limits on this grant of power would undermine our democratic form of government. It is our position that the courts have no jurisdiction in this matter. Consequently, the Executive Branch of the Government will not enforce any court finding that interferes with the President’s Constitutional authority as Commander-in-Chief to order the elimination of any person he deems a credible threat.”
CCR Staff Attorney Pardiss Kebriaei characterized the DOJ’s argument as “a brief for lawless abuse of power and a gateway to unconstrained tyranny. The focus in the immediate case may be a suspected al-Qaeda operative, but the scope of the authority claimed would essentially give the President the option of ordering the assassination of anyone he chooses to name as a threat. Today the target is Anwar al-Aulaqi. Tomorrow it might be Sarah Palin or Rush Limbaugh.”
Commission Proposes “Crushing Taxes” as Remedy for “Crushing Debt”
The National Commission on Fiscal Responsibility and Reform’s proposal for dealing with what the Commission warned would be a “crushing debt” is for the government to, instead, impose crushing taxes. The bipartisan commission chaired by Democrat Erskine Bowles and Republican Alan Simpson rejected any significant reductions in government spending as “outside the mandate we were given by President Obama when he delegated this task to us.”
“The Government is the sector that is hurting the most during the economic downturn,” Bowles contended. “Expanding health care, building high-speed passenger rail, bailing out Wall Street, funding employee pensions—these government responsibilities aren’t self-financing. Meanwhile, most people in the private sector clearly continue to possess and consume more than they need to. Many are living in single-family dwellings when multi-family units would be sufficient. Many households have more than one private vehicle when they should be using public transportation. And there’s a lot of idle money sitting in IRAs and 401Ks that the government desperately needs.”
“Sopping up some of these resources sloshing around in the private sector is imperative,” Simpson insisted. “Sopping” measures recommended by the Commission included expiration of the Bush tax cuts, new levies on financial transactions, sweeping existing IRAs and 401Ks into a new government-run “Guaranteed Savings Accounts” program, raising the Social Security retirement age to 69, and inflating the money supply.
School Sued for Teaching that Blacks Were Once Slaves in America
The Margaret Black Elementary School in Sterling Heights Michigan is being sued by one of the parents of a fifth-grade student. The parent, Jamey Petree, alleges that his daughter Jala was permanently damaged both mentally and emotionally by being taught that her ancestors might have been slaves.
“Every girl likes to dream that she might be a princess,” Petree said. “By being told and shown that Black people like her were slaves in the past destroys that dream. For this my daughter deserves compensation.”
Scott E. Combs, the lawyer hired by Petree, dismissed the school’s contention that the lessons were based on factual events as irrelevant. “Just because something may be true doesn’t mean that is right,” Combs argued. “There are many more true facts than the school has time to mention. That they chose these particular facts shows a wanton disregard for the feelings of my client. They have damaged her self-esteem and stunted her life. For this they must be made to pay just compensation.”
The suit names a price of $50,000 as the amount needed to offset the damage to Jala Petree’s self-esteem.
Administration Awards $150 Million to Fatah
The Obama Administration announced that it is adding an additional $150 million to the $900 million in aid the US Government granted to the Palestinian group Fatah last year. Though many consider Fatah to be a sponsor of terrorist activities aimed at Israel, the Obama Administration has accepted its claims that it is working toward a peaceful resolution of its disputes with Israel.
“Unlike others that have vowed to exterminate every Jew living in the region, Fatah is willing to forbear if a peaceful means of removing them from Palestinian lands can be arranged,” explained US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. “By supplying funds we are trying to encourage this sort of moderation among the factions that are vying for influence in the region.”
“As we understand it, they’ve run through the earlier grant and don’t even have enough funds to supply bullets to troops they have in the field right now,” Clinton added. “They’re at risk of being overrun by more radical Islamic extremists and vulnerable to retaliation from Israeli Defense Forces for cross-border incursions.”
The Administration’s action was undeterred by rumors that the bulk of the earlier aid was siphoned off into secret Swiss bank accounts in the names of key leaders in the Fatah movement.
Saudi Arabia Added to Women’s Panel in UN
The United Nations effort to add representatives from Iran and Saudi Arabia to its “super agency” on women’s rights was only partially successful. Lobbying by the U.S. convinced enough of the delegates to vote against allowing Iran’s representative to sit on the panel.
Whether either of these nation’s representatives merited inclusion on this panel seems doubtful. Both have a record of repression toward women. In this regard, Saudi Arabia is arguably more severe in its treatment of women than Iran.
A spokesman for the UN defended the intended addition of Iranian and Saudi representatives, explaining that “We mustn’t let ourselves be restricted to the Western view that women should be treated like men. Cultures that seek to protect women from sin and defilement deserve a voice. Who is to say that keeping women subjugated isn’t in their best interest in the long run?”
Campaign Donations Show It’s the GOP that’s out of Step
Accounting for donations given during the most recent election cycle show that it is the Republican Party that is out of step with America says Democratic National Committee Chairman Tim Kaine.
“If we look at where the money is coming from to support each Party’s candidates, it is clear that the Democratic Party is the one that is in sync with the majority of America,” Kaine boasted. “Defense contractors gave more money to Democrats. Wall Street gave more money to Democrats. Drug manufacturers, hospitals, and HMOs gave more to Democrats. Lobbyists gave more to Democrats by an almost two-to-one ratio.”
Kaine argued that “this should put to rest the notion that Republicans are the ones who speak for the majority of Americans. The voting results for November 2nd are the anomaly. Americans who put their money where there mouths are want Democrats to run the show.”
In line with this thinking, Congress’s Progressive Caucus, a group originated at the instigation of the Democratic Socialists of America, was urged by the George Soros-funded Institute for Policy Studies (IPS) to throw its support behind a plan for the President to rule via Executive Order.
“Progressives won in the 2010 mid-term elections,” said Karen Dolan, a research fellow at the IPS. “What we have now is a more solidly progressive bunch of Democrats in Congress and a President who should be less encumbered by the false illusion that he needs to compromise with his enemies.”
Muslim Says Contact with “Unclean” Michelle Obama Inadvertent
Indonesian Information Minister and devout Muslim, Tifatul Sembiring, rebuffed demands that his right hand be amputated for coming into contact with “the supremely unclean” U.S. First Lady, Michelle Obama during a recent official event. “She was the aggressor,” Sembiring charged. “I should not be made to suffer for her offense.” Sembiring argued that his immersing the hand in buffalo dung was an adequate cleansing protocol.