John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent NewsA Satirical Look at Recent News
This past week, U.S. District Court Judge Roger Titus dismissed the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission’s contention that the use of criminal background checks for prospective employees unfairly discriminates against minorities. Titus labeled the EEOC’s arguments “laughable.”
EEOC Chairwoman Jacqueline Berrien called the Judge’s ruling “clearly erroneous. Statistics show that minorities represent a disproportionate share of those convicted of crimes. A hiring policy that screens out persons with a criminal history will inevitably screen out more minorities. This is illegal.”
Berrien conceded that “businesses may feel uncomfortable with the idea of hiring those with criminal records, but this must be balanced with the rights of minorities to obtain good-paying jobs.”
“The belief that a criminal record indicates a person is just dishonest is what we question,” Berrien argued. “Dishonesty is only one reason why a person might have a criminal record. Equally important is the fact that persons with lower intelligence are more likely to make errors that lead to their arrest and conviction. Numerous studies have indicated that minorities are also over represented amongst the ranks of those with low IQs.”
Berrien expressed confidence that “we’ll win on appeal. Titus is only one judge. He was appointed by Bush and obviously doesn’t understand the important transformations President Obama is trying to make to this country. As we go further up the line in the Courts there’ll be more opportunity for the President’s views to prevail like they did when Supreme Court Justice Roberts ‘surprisingly’ upheld Obamacare.”
City Refuses to Pay Vet Bill for Dog
The City of Leander, Texas says it will not pick up the tab for the medical expenses of a dog city police officers shot during an attempt to execute a warrant at a wrong address last June. The dog survived the shooting, but required $1500 in surgery and medications to recover.
City Manager Claude du Foss asserted that “agreeing to pay in this instance would set a bad precedent. If the City has to pay for every supposedly erroneous act carried out by its employees it’d break the bank. While it may be true that in this case the officers entered the wrong address for purposes of executing the warrant, we contend that the police have the right to enter any property at any time for any reason and to use deadly force if, in their judgment, it is necessary.”
With their request for reimbursement of medical expenses rebuffed by the city, the dog’s owners, James and Renata Simmons say they will sue for damages. “Our dog was in our yard when two strange men broke in,” James said. “He didn’t deserve to get shot for barking at them.”
Du Foss accused the Simmons of “escalating the situation. First of all, having a dog was their choice. If there were no dog there probably would’ve been no shooting. Second, the incurring of a $1500 veterinary bill was strictly voluntary on their part. Disposal of an animal carcass could’ve been taken care of at no extra cost if they’d simply placed it in their trash bin. They’re the ones who are being unreasonable.”
Governor Lashes Out at Perceived Rivals
New Jersey Governor Chris Christie lambasted potential rivals for the 2016 GOP presidential nomination—Kentucky Senator Rand Paul and Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal—as “too esoteric and rigidly principled to be taken seriously.”
“Nobody cares about ‘liberty’ or ‘values’ anymore,” Christie maintained. “Big government is here to stay. The key issue to be decided is who’s going to run it. Convincing our constituents that we’ll get them a bigger slice of the pie is the way we’ll get their votes.”
“Americans want a strong leader to use his heft to promote their interests,” Christie declared. “In that regard I’m easily twice the man either of these two is. Neither of them has the stature or magnitude to do a job as big as president of the United States. I just hope that GOP voters realize this before it’s too late.”
Obama Decision to Raise Cell Phone Taxes Constitutional
This past week President Obama directed the Federal Communications Commission to raise taxes on cell phones in order to fund broadband Internet access in schools. Under the impression that the Constitution reserves tax legislation to Congress, the White House press corps questioned this move.
White House spokesman Josh Earnest defended the president’s action as “fully constitutional. If you read the document you’ll see that all bills for raising revenue must originate in the House of Representatives. The president’s action was an Executive Order carried out under his powers as Commander-in-Chief. So, technically, we believe he is within his authority to order this tax hike.”
“There is also the intent of the Constitution that has to be taken into consideration,” Earnest added. “The document’s purpose includes the promotion of the general welfare. Bringing broadband Internet to our schools promotes the general welfare. Ideally, Congress would recognize their responsibility, but since they haven’t the president has stepped in to take up the slack.”
Rodeo Clown Stirs Up Controversy
A Missouri State Fair rodeo clown wearing an Obama mask while seeking to divert the attention of bulls from goring their dismounted riders has sparked widespread indignation.
White House spokesman Josh Earnest denounced it as “probably one of the top 10 worst things to have ever happened in my home state. We have to ask ourselves how bad has our country become when such egregious disrespect for the president can be displayed so openly. We’re hoping that the lifetime ban on the individual involved will send a strong message to others not to cross that line.”
The Missouri chapter of the NAACP demanded an FBI investigation of the perpetrator. Mary Ratliff, the head of the NAACP’s chapter in Missouri, called the incident “a hate crime, pure and simple. We need the FBI to investigate before this type of denigration of the president becomes common.”
This isn’t the first time a presidential mask has shown up at a rodeo. Back in 1994 a dummy wearing a George Bush mask was gored by a bull while the crowd cheered.
“It’s not the same,” Ratliff argued. “Bush is white and by 1994 he was already an ex-president. So it couldn’t have been a hate crime and it certainly didn’t threaten a sitting president. The FBI has got to protect president Obama from all threats. They may seem trivial to some, but he’s the most important person in the world. We can’t risk even the slightest danger to his well-being. Such a blatant show of disrespect says it’s okay to oppose the president and try to block what he’s doing for the country. That’s what we need to discourage.”
Administration Rejects Petition to Make White House “Gun-Free Zone”
While “gun-free zones” are the Administration’s recommendation for reducing gun violence elsewhere, it pointedly rejected a proposal that it adopt the same policy for the White House.
A statement posted on the White House Internet site argued that “making the White House a ‘gun-free zone’ would do nothing to disarm the criminals and enemies that might want to harm the president or his family. Knowing that their target is surrounded by well-armed Secret Service agents acts as a significant deterrent to those with evil intentions. We cannot afford to give up this deterrent based on misplaced idealism.”
“The situation for ordinary Americans is not analogous,” the statement went on. “Private gun owners are far less trained and skilled. They also have relative anonymity and insignificance working in their favor. They are less apt to be targets. Even if they do become victims of a crime the consequences would be far less damaging to the nation than if the president or his family were harmed.”
The Administration used the petition as a springboard to reiterate its demand that “Congress needs to enact legislation that will substantially reduce the prevalence of guns in our society. The more guns there are in private hands, the more opportunities there will be for unauthorized persons to wreak havoc.”
Kerry Says Internet Makes It Hard to Govern
In a speech to State Department personnel, Secretary of State John Kerry lamented “the pernicious effect of the Internet on our capacity to govern. It used to be that dictators could tamp down dissent with a show of force or by seizing mass communication media. But now, every yahoo can blast his opinions all over the globe if he’s got an email address or an off-shore web server.”
As an illustration of his case, Kerry pointed out that “one rogue individual like Edward Snowden can humiliate the world’s foremost power by divulging its methods of keeping tabs on potential threats to its policies. He may be out of our reach at the moment, but, thankfully, our database remains intact and those who would emulate him can be interdicted before they can escape.”
In related news, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton announced she will be embarking on a speaking tour aimed at restoring people’s faith in government. “A government that has lost the faith of its people is primed for a fall,” Clinton observed. “We saw this in the collapse of the Soviet Union. People lost faith in their government’s willingness to use whatever means necessary to maintain order. As a result all over Eastern Europe people took to the streets to defy those who ruled them. Those who ruled also lost their faith that the people would tolerate the level of force needed to suppress them. The result was a cataclysmic change. Keeping that history from repeating itself here in the United States is what I’m dedicating my efforts to over the next few years.”
A Satirical Look at Recent News
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