By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
Within the latest Friday evening document “dump” from the FBI was evidence that Hillary Clinton’s lawyers deleted 1,000 emails between General David Patraeus. At the time Hillary was Secretary of State Petraeus led US Central Command and later became director of the CIA.
While it would appear that communications between the Secretary of State and Patraeus would be work-related, Hillary offered a different explanation. “David is a very avid yoga enthusiast,” she said. “He and I were in regular communication comparing notes and engaging in some friendly competition to see who could complete the most exercises each week. So, it should be no mystery as to why my lawyers erased those emails.”
Rep. John Ratcliffe (R-Tex) called Clinton’s explanation “as ludicrous a lie from a high ranking government official as one could imagine. The idea that these two were yoga workout buddies is laughable. It is obvious that this woman has no shame. It is also obvious that the FBI investigation of her emails was a charade. Clearly, Secretary Clinton lied under oath on several occasions. Clearly, there was a pattern of obstruction to the erasure of emails and disappearances of numerous mobile devices. Heck, there’s even an email chain with the words ‘Hilary coverup operation’ in the ‘subject’ line in messages sent to and from Hillary Clinton. For FBI Director James Comey to assert that he found no evidence of intent to break the law defies logic and common sense.”
A possible rationale for Comey’s willful blindness on the matter may have been the discovery of emails from President Obama among the recovered deleted messages. Interestingly, the President used a pseudonym to sign his emails. For the record, Obama has denied that he had any knowledge of Clinton’s illegal email practices. Yet, amazingly, he was still able to communicate with her using this illegal arrangement.
Press Secretary Josh Earnest insisted that “the presence of the President’s emails in this system doesn’t prove he consciously knew anything about it. He could have merely been replying to emails originated by Secretary Clinton. He could have used a fake name as a security precaution. In any case, all of this is moot because the investigation has been closed by the Department of Justice and all of the principal co-conspirators have been granted immunity. So, even if a ‘smoking gun’ were to be uncovered there’d be nothing anyone could do about it.”
In related news, WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange released 1700 of Clinton’s emails that he says “show her role in the absolutely disastrous intervention in Libya, which led to the occupation by ISIS of large segments of that country and facilitated weapons going over to ISIS affiliated jihadists in Syria. She was the instigator of an expanded conflict and must bear responsibility for the deaths of thousands of noncombatants at the hands of the bloodthirsty Islamists that were armed and emboldened by her actions.”
Clinton Sics Machado on Trump
At this week’s presidential debate Hillary Clinton contended that rival Donald Trump had “cruelly abused” Alicia Machado, 1996’s Miss Universe, alleging he called her “Miss Piggy” for getting fat during the year she held the title. According to Hillary “this shows the kind of deplorable disrespect for women that proves him unfit to be president.”
For her part, Machado admits that she has no witnesses to back up her claims of “mental abuse,” but insists that “Trump is a horrible person.” What recorded evidence there is suggests that contrary to abusing Ms, Machado, Trump actually tried to help her. When his CBS partners in the Miss Universe consortium wanted to replace Machado with the less rotund runner-up, Trump worked to give her a second chance. While acknowledging that stress can make a person overeat, like he himself has done from time to time, Trump recommended weight reduction training so she could fulfill her contractual obligations.
Since completing her term as Miss Universe Machado went on to engage in some dubious behaviors including threatening a Venezuelan judge in 1998 who was handling the case of her boyfriend who was charged with attempted murder. In 2005 Ms. Machado apparently had sex with host Fernando Acaso on an episode of the La Granja Spanish TV show. This escapade broke up her engagement with then Philadelphia Phillies baseball player Bobby Abreu.
Clinton campaign manager Robby Mook didn’t dispute the checkered past of Ms. Machado, but questioned its relevance. “The issue is Trump’s treatment of women,” Mook argued. “Whether these women be of high or low caliber shouldn’t matter. Voters need to focus on only one thing: do we want a man like Donald Trump as our next president? Or do we want a woman of dignity and distinction like Secretary Clinton? It’s that simple.”
In related news, in an effort to deflect potential criticism of how she has treated women that “became involved with her husband,” Hillary told Washington Post reporter Shawn Boburg that “both Bill and I felt for these unfortunate misguided souls. Sadly, there are many mentally unstable women who fantasize about receiving the attentions of a powerful man. We always tried to reach out to those who accused Bill of improprieties and reassure them that they were always in our thoughts, that we were willing to do whatever we could to help because, as you know, Bill is hypersensitive to the pain of others and would do whatever was necessary to try to end it.”
Passenger Bumped from Seat to Appease Muslims
Booking her flight in advance and paying for her “guaranteed” seat didn’t ensure that Mary Campos would get what she ordered. As she arrived at the boarding gate she was bumped to a different seat to “accommodate the cultural beliefs” of two Muslim men.
United Airlines spokesperson Amir Fuol explained that “we regret that Ms. Campos was unhappy with the handling of the seat assignments on her flight. United holds our employees to the highest standards of professionalism and has zero tolerance for discrimination.”
Campos complained that “this blather from Mr. Fuol explains nothing. How do the beliefs of a pair of foreigners trump my right as an American to equal treatment?”
Fuol maintained that “the switch was as much for Ms. Campos safety as it was a show of respect for different cultural practices. Would she really have preferred to be seated next to two men whose inexperience with scantily clad American women may have resulted in her being fondled or worse? She would be suing us for sure had we rashly seated her so close to these men.”
In related news, YouTube has blocked trailers for the faith-based movie I’m Not Ashamed on the grounds that “its overt and unbalanced promotion of the Christian religion may be deemed offensive by persons of other faiths and as such it can be construed as ‘hate speech.’”
Dead People Submit New Voter Registrations in Virginia
A number of new applications for voter registrations recently submitted in Harrisonburg, Virginia were discovered to carry the names of persons recently deceased. The “anomaly” came to light when an employee in the registrar’s office noticed that one of the new registrations was for Richard Claybrook Sr., the late father of a well-known local judge. Ultimately, 19 of the applications submitted by Andrew Spieles, a member of the Young Democrats club at James Madison University, on behalf of the community activist group “Harrisonburg VOTES” were deemed suspicious.
Republicans are incensed. Virginia House Speaker William Howell (R-Stafford) asked “how often do we hear our Democrat colleagues suggest that voter fraud doesn’t exist or is a myth? Well, this is just one piece of evidence that continuing efforts to defraud the election process are real.”
Del. Marcus Simon (D-Fairfax) pooh-poohed GOP concerns and called the recent flap “small potatoes” and the perpetrator “inept. Registering ineligible voters doesn’t mean illegal votes will be cast in their names. Votes would still have to be cast either in person by elderly impostors or through absentee ballots. There are additional steps that would have to be taken before the scheme would be successful. Besides, 20 bogus votes aren’t likely to sway an election. Republicans are getting all worked up over nothing.”
In related news, it was discovered that Arcan Cetin, a resident alien from Turkey who shot five people to death at a mall in Burlington, Washington, illegally voted in three elections since 2014. A study done by professors from Old Dominion University and George Mason University estimated that about 6% of non-citizens illegally cast ballots in the 2008 election. Washington Secretary of State Kim Wyman told a Seattle TV station that “the State is barred by the feds from verifying citizenship status. They claim that verification is a federal responsibility. Yet, the Obama Administration steadfastly refuses to share the data they have with the states. We are left with no choice except to take the applicants’ word for whether they are citizens.”
Presidential Candidates Name Favorite World Leader
In a bid to probe one dimension of the presidential candidates’ perspectives on world politics and foreign relations, the media asked each of them to name their favorite foreign leader.
Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton tabbed Germany’s Chancellor Angela Merkel as her favorite. “Chancellor Merkel has been an extraordinarily strong leader,” Clinton asserted. “She has opened the doors of her country to more than a million Muslims from the Middle East. She has bravely faced down opposition to her policies in the midst of the difficulties of acclimation for these refugees.”
Clinton went on to contrast “Merkel’s generosity with our own country’s xenophobic hesitancy to welcome those fleeing from war and atrocities in their home countries. Sure, we’ve let a few thousand in, but if we were to be as openhearted as Germany we’d be allowing millions to find safety on our shores. When I’m president this will change.”
GOP presidential contender Donald Trump chose Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu as his favorite foreign leader saying that “here we have a person whose tiny country is surrounded by hostile nations who repeatedly vow to annihilate the Jews. Yet he has the courage and toughness to stand firm on behalf of his people. It’s a model that I will strive to live up to if I become president of the United States.”
Libertarian candidate, former New Mexico Governor Gary Johnson acknowledged what he termed “an Aleppo moment” and admitted that “I have no favorites that I can think of, but the notion that we need to be so active around the world strikes me as the bigger problem. It wouldn’t really matter who led other governments if the United States were to mind its own business. I’d like to see a more mellow and relaxed America. Bringing our troops home and legalizing marijuana will go a long way toward accomplishing this.”
Green Party candidate Jill Stein opted for Elizabeth May, Leader of the Green Party of Canada, saying that “while she doesn’t yet lead a nation she embodies values that I think are aimed at a better world—ending the rape of the planet by humans, abolishing industrial society, and equal sharing of income and wealth. The fact that she is a woman gives greater credence to her Party’s message. Men have played too big a role in ruining the environment. It’s time we gave women a chance.”