Biden Campaign Touts Innovation

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Caught handing out canned questions for audience members to ask the candidate and feeding the answers to him over a teleprompter, Biden spokesman TJ Ducklo defended these strategies calling them “a new innovation in how every candidate will campaign in the future. Trump is just jealous because he didn’t think of this first. Now watch and see him copy us.”

Ducklo explained that “handing out pre-screened questions and feeding the answers to the candidate via teleprompter is so perfect that we’re surprised no one else had done it before we did. Allowing audience members or the press to ask whatever questions they want risks diverting the candidate from his message. Likewise, relying on the candidate to concoct an off-the-cuff response to an unexpected question could result in a ‘misspoke’ moment. Our new approach eliminates those problems.”

This innovative strategy may be less successful than Ducklo imagines. The optics of trying to script Biden’s “meet the people” events has raised some eyebrows. Purporting to want to hear from and represent the people of America while expecting both the people and the candidate to parrot the words written for them by the campaign staff undermines Biden’s notion that he is a genuine “tribune of the people.” It also cannot guarantee against Biden’s notorious ability to screw up. This week, reading off a teleprompter, Biden excoriated Trump for “raising the cost of prescription jugs,” and called it “especially cruel toward transgender women.”

In related news, Ducklo also denied that Biden was ever against President Trump’s travel bans aimed at slowing the spread of the Coronavirus. “I know Joe originally called the ban xenophobic and racist,” Ducklo said. “But those words were just for public consumption. It has always been Joe’s view that unconstrained importation of people from China would turn America into a racial jungle. When Joe is president he will impose travel bans quicker and they will be more systemic than anything Trump could ever conceive of.”

CNN’s Cuomo Defends Coaching Interviewee

This week a video of CNN’s talking head Chris Cuomo coaching former Trump lawyer Michael Cohen on what answers he should give in the actual on-air “interview” fell into the hands of FoxNews’ Tucker Carlson. Carlson criticized Cuomo for “manufacturing a scripted drama written to benefit the Democratic Party. Cuomo told Cohen to use the word ‘shady’ to describe Trump’s dealings and to dodge questions about his role in the non-disclosure payment to Stormy Daniels.”

Cuomo defended his actions, calling them “cutting edge advances in how all political interviews will be conducted in the future. We’ve seen how the Biden campaign has broken new ground in how to assure that the right message is conveyed in simulated spontaneous interactions between the Candidate and the media or campaign rally audience members. Rather than have the repulsive, yet useful, Michael Cohen wander off into the weeds on live TV, I took the proactive step needed to ensure mission success.”

California Reaps Whirlwind

With vast swaths of his state on fire, thousands of homes burned, and millions suffering from chronic power outages one might think that Gov. Gavin Newsom (D) would be second guessing some of his Party’s policies. That would be the sane and honest thing to do. Instead, Newsom insists that the fault lies elsewhere.

In a crusade to end global climate change, California Democrats have enacted strict regulations on viable methods of generating electricity and mandated a massive dependence on unreliable wind and solar energy production. They have also restricted the traditional forest maintenance activities intended to clear out the brush and deadwood that fuel major conflagrations. Now an eerie orange glow pervades the night in the northern half of the state and smoke pollutes the air of all the states within a thousand miles of California.

According to Newsom, though, “it’s all Trump’s fault. His refusal to ban fossil fuels has put the onus on those of us who care about the environment to undertake heroic efforts against great odds to save the planet. He wouldn’t order every household to switch from air conditioning to a more natural reliance on the human body’s evap-cooling system. Our ancestors conquered an entire continent without the aid of air conditioning. Trump’s unwillingness to recapture that triumph endangers us all.”

“Trump’s lame excuse is that his policy is more in tune with what American citizens want,” Newsom asserted. “That’s not leadership. It is the duty of those of us elected to govern to actually govern. Sometimes this requires that the will of the electorate be overridden by those of us who are given a mandate to rule for the good of the entire planet. Ideally, this rule would emanate from the nation’s capital. If Democrats are successful in the November elections this ideal may well be attained and California will be recognized as a model for the rest of the country to follow.”

Dems: “Trump Wrongly Headed Off COVID Panic”

A so-called big revelation in Bob Woodward’s book on Trump was his admission that he tried to head off a panic reaction to the Coronavirus. Democrats across the board say this was wrong and costed lives.

Gov. Andrew Cuomo (NY) attributed his state’s extraordinarily high COVID death rate to “Trump’s efforts to maintain calm. Sometimes panic is the appropriate response to a crisis. If I hadn’t panicked and demanded all the extra ventilators that I thought would be needed, would there have been any chance that Trump would have delivered them? When it turned out we didn’t need these extra ventilators I was able to earn some political capital by sharing them with other states. Then by sending COVID patients into nursing homes we were able to collect the federal bounties paid for each COVID death. As a result, the State of New York ended up in better fiscal shape than we would’ve been if I hadn’t panicked.”

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (Calif), who was urging everyone to visit San Francisco’s Chinatown at the same time that President Trump was trying to avert widespread panic, nevertheless characterized Trump’s efforts “cruel and misguided. To try to compare what I did with what he did is unconscionable. I was arguing against racism and xenophobia. Trump was withholding the truth that COVID is the worst disease to ever strike America. If people had panicked like I did they would have stocked up on their favorite ice cream before all the stores ran out of it. So, in this sense Trump did the nation a great disservice by urging calm.”

Democratic presidential contender former Vice-President Joe Biden called Trump’s effort to avert a panic “criminal. On top of that he did absolutely nothing to try to abate the pandemic or treat its victims.” After a brief pause Biden admitted that Trump “did send medical aid to every state that asked for it. He sent military hospital ships to New York and California. And he accelerated vaccine development. But he didn’t do the big stuff by ordering everyone to wear masks or to shutdown all nonessential activities like businesses and churches. He left those decisions to each state’s governor. My administration will be completely different. That is my promise to voters.”

An unrelated disclosure in Woodward’s book was that Trump’s first Secretary of Defense General James Mattis tried to enlist Trump’s first Director of National Intelligence Dan Coats in a plot to oust Trump from the presidency. This scheme was pronounced “perfectly understandable and justifiable” by Rep. Adam Schiff (D), Chairman of the House Permanent Select Committee on Intelligence. “It is a shame that this extraordinarily patriotic effort to save the country from the depredations of the tyrannical Trump failed to be implemented. As a result, we now see Trump denouncing the military-industrial complex that is vital to maintaining world peace.”

Prof Says Murder Justified

The murder of Patriot Prayer supporter Aaron “Jay” Danielson by Antifa supporter Michael Reinoehl on August 29 in Portland was declared justified by University of Rhode Island Professor Erik Loomis. “The victim’s advocacy of prayer and his apparent approval of the Trump Administration is enough to warrant his elimination by any social justice warrior,” Loomis said.

Loomis contended that “Reinoehl’s shooting of Danielson was a tactical error, not a moral one. Opposition to what Antifa is trying to achieve in cities like Portland is clearly fascist. Fascists have no right to live. The great tragedy is that Reinoehl was himself hunted down and killed by police.” Loomis predicted that “Reinhoehl will become the Horst Wessel of America’s Antifa movement.”

George Washington University law professor Jonathan Turley’s criticism of Loomis’ dehumanization of those who hold different political opinions inspired Loomis to declare Turley “a disgusting human being.” Logically, I guess this would mean that the murder of Turley by a social justice warrior would also be “justifiable.”

Harris Criticizes Biden

A photo that appeared in CNN’s “Fight for the White House: Joe Biden’s Long Journey,” showed Biden and his son at a Redskins’ football game during the 1970s. His vice-presidential running mate sought to distance herself from what she called “an extremely upsetting demonstration of racial insensitivity on so many levels.”

“First, there is the egregious exploitation of Native Americans,” Harris charged. “Using these noble savages as a team ‘mascot’ insults their culture. I am shocked that Joe would be a fan of this team and that he would expose his young son to such filth. It is no wonder that Hunter went so far astray from progressive values in his multi-million dollar business dealings.”

“Second, professional football itself is a degrading activity,” Harris added. “Here we have mostly black athletes put through grueling torture for the amusement of mostly white spectators. It’s like slavery never ended. It troubles me that Joe was so indifferent to the systemic injustice of this sport.”

Harris says she “will bring these issues up with Joe after we are elected. If I see no change of heart or sincere remorse I will seek to invoke the 25th Amendment process for removing an unfit president.”

Nevada Gov Tries to Block Trump Rallies

President Trump’s planned weekend campaign rallies in Reno and Las Vegas were ordered cancelled Gov. Steve Sisolak (D).

Sisolak boasted of “this ingenious method for neutralizing Trump’s ability to directly connect with voters. On the surface, it looks like a simple health rule. But when we look at the contrasting campaign strategies, this even-handed regulation hog-ties Trump without having any negative impact on the Biden campaign. All the Biden events I’ve seen are attended by well under 50 people including aides and staff. So he will not be harmed by the application of a crowd-size limit.”

Sisolak went on to urge other governors to take similar actions, saying “twenty-three other states have Democratic governors. If each of them were to enforce such a 50-person maximum Trump’s chances of winning in November would be sunk.”

Trump is said to have re-branded his rallies as “protests, since these seem to be exempt from all COVID regulations. Luckily, our protests won’t result in any looting, rioting, arson, or murder. We’ll be protesting those things while sharing our love of America and our efforts to make it greater.”

Trump Nominated for Nobel Prizes

This week, President Trump received two nominations for a Nobel Prize.

First, Christian Tybring-Gjedde, a member of the Norwegian Parliament and chairman of the NATO Parliamentary Assembly, nominated him for helping broker a peace deal between Israel and the United Arab Emirates. “I think he has done more trying to create peace between nations than most other Peace Prize nominees have,” Tybring-Gjedde said. “I expect other Middle Eastern countries will follow in the footsteps of the UAE. This agreement could be a game-changer that will turn the Middle East into a region of cooperation and prosperity.”

Second, Magnus Jacobson a member of the Swedish Parliament for the Christian Democrats party nominated “the US Government and the governments of Kosovo and Serbia for their joint work for peace and economic development, through the cooperation agreement signed in the White House. Trade and communications are important building blocks for peace.”

These nominations did not impress either member of the Democratic national ticket. Presidential candidate Joe Biden sniffed at the nominations, pointing out that “my good friend Barack Obama got a peace prize without having to do anything. He didn’t have to mediate any conflicts. He didn’t have to get long-term enemies to reconcile. He got the prize because of the magnificent human being he is, not because of anything he’s done.”

Vice-Presidential candidate Kamala Harris observed that “Trump was nominated by whites for an award that is given out by the extremely while country of Norway. If Trump wins the prize it will be just another example of white privilege in action.”

Senate Dems Kill COVID Relief Bill

The unity of Senate Democrats allowed the minority party to prevent a COVID relief package from being debated. Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY) cited “the inclusion of a ‘poison pill” for his Party’s filibuster. The “poison pill” is allowing parents to choose the school their children will attend.

“The Republicans know that there is no way a Democrat could vote to permit school choice,” Schumer fumed. “The whole reason why we have public schools is because parents aren’t fit to decide where or how their children should be educated. In states where school choice is permitted, segments of the school-aged population are sent to horrible places where disreputable ideas like speaking favorably about religion and capitalism are rife.”

“Another factor which makes school choice especially dangerous is that in several states where the public schools are still closed, private schools are open,” Schumer complained. “Desperate parents will be tempted to choose to send their children to these places where their minds will be warped by misinformation and dissident political perspectives. It it better that the children remain ignorant than that they be subjected to the kind of brainwashing they’d get in these institutions.”

Michigan Gov Builds a Wall

While Gov. Gretchen Whitmer has frequently scoffed at President Trump’s faith that a wall could protect the United States from being infiltrated by illegal immigrants, drugs and terrorists, she has authorized the expenditure of over a million dollars to build a wall around her residence.

Reminded of the seeming inconsistency between her words and deeds, the Governor contended that “the two cases are completely different. Trump’s wall aims to block people who love America and want to share in the American dream from exercising their human right to live wherever they wish. My wall is necessary to protect me from anyone who might seek to harm me.”

“I have had to make many hard decisions over these past six months,” Whitmer explained. “I’ve ordered schools and businesses to be closed. I’ve had to watch as people’s livelihoods were stripped from them. I’ve seen people who venture out from their homes without wearing masks endanger the rest of us on a routine basis despite my constant hectoring and threats. Now, many in the state call me a tyrant. If this is what they truly believe then my safety is endangered.”

“When times are tough, rulers have to do unpleasant things,” she added. “Ensuring that there is a substantial barrier between the ruler and the ruled is my right. Investing a mere million dollars in state funds to secure this right is only common sense.”

In a related story of separation of the rulers from the ruled, in San Francisco all the private gyms have been closed by government decree due to the pandemic. However, it turns out that gyms inside government buildings have been allowed to stay open. Mayor London Breed attempted to justify this unequal treatment by pointing out that “private gyms were declared nonessential. They had to be shutdown to stem the spread of COVID. Government was declared an essential activity that must remain operating at all times. The gyms in the government buildings had to stay open to ensure that essential government employees could maintain their health and fitness.”

Preferring Trump Economy Is Selfish”

Princeton Professor Eddie Glaude warned viewers of MSNBC’s Morning Joe show not to allow selfishness to lure them into voting for Trump. “I know a lot of you are tempted to place your own prosperity ahead of social justice and vote for Trump’s reelection,” Glaude said. “Well, DON’T DO IT!”

“Granted, Trump’s economic policies of deregulation and tax cuts have helped spur a booming economy,” the Professor admitted. “Unemployment was at historic lows for minorities before the pandemic and the lockdowns hit. Likewise, stock prices have rallied back to where they were in January—enriching every person who has an IRA or 401k investment portfolio. The easy path would be to reelect Trump hoping to keep this momentum going, but that would be selfish.”

“The economic program being advocated by Vice-President Biden seems drab in comparison,” Glaude acknowledged. “This is because the goal is different. The Biden objective is social justice and equality. This can only be achieved if we rein in runaway prosperity. Realistically, not everyone is capable of living by their own effort. If we don’t compel those who are to share their wealth we will never reach full equality.”

“In effect, Biden is asking you to do what Jesus asked his followers to do ‘give away your possessions and follow me.’” Glaude claimed. “Have faith that a Biden Administration will take care of everyone who believes in him. The necessary step on this road to redemption must begin with a vote for Biden.”

Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program. Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.


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